DD called last night.

She's been moved to a longer-term house on the campus where she's been staying.  (We all [DH, me, the therapist(s), other staff, social worker] had a meeting last week and it was agreed that her violent behavior demonstrated a need for her to stay in residential treatment for as long as 6-9 months...)

Anyhow, apparently it hasn't been going well there.  I know they had taken a weekend "outing", so I wasn't able to call her or find out how she's been doing....so Monday night, she called and said she wants to come home.  She was crying and told me she doesn't like it there.  She told me that she has been getting into a lot of trouble every day, and nobody likes her, not even the therapist.  I asked her how she knew the therapist didn't like her, and she said "because she says I start things."  "Can I please come home?"

I wanted to say "well, you were having those same troubles at home, too--at least there, someone'll do something about it."  But instead I told her I wished she was at home too (a lie--I want the OLD DD back, not this angry and violent DD). 

I felt like my heart was breaking when she started to cry.  But then I realized, as she talked about how nobody likes her, etc., that she still has absolutely NO insight into what the problem(s) are.  It's pretty bad when she's at a place FULL of kids with emotional problems, and none of them like her either....makes me really sad, but also, when I hear that she's having so many troubles there, I know that handling her at home truly would not have been realistic.  I still feel bad.  I wish things were different.  I hope they can get her on the right meds.

You are all going to say "I told you so".....

Once again I failed to account for DH's perpetual font of creativity related to spending money.  I am clearly a slow learner and apparently not mean enough, either.

DH has a friend who is "laid off" (but didn't actually work at the job long enough to get unemployment.  So one day a couple of weeks ago, DH asked me if "someday, maybe we could get friend to come out and help with the lawn (which actually makes most foreclosed houses look really good), seeing as how he needs money and all...."  And I said "yes, someday.  But right now is not a good time."  And then I very firmly stated that any work that is done by anyone on our property will be done on a "so much money per job completed" basis, NOT hourly, because we've had too many problems with that before.  Cut to Wednesday night:

DH:  Doesn't the lawn look good?

(you can guess what comes next)

Me:  What price did you agree on......and why wasn't I involved?

DH:  Well, I need to talk to you about that.  See....I told him that I'd give him $30 to cut the grass and trim the weeds.  Because I had that money.  Then he kept on working, PLUS he went out and bought a new belt for the lawn mower that I didn't know about.  Now he says we owe him $135.

Me:  WHAT!!!?????

I got very angry.  But because I knew that DH is currently not at his most stable, and that he was making an attempt to get something done, I lied and told DH that I was really angry at the friend.  (I was angry at the friend, but I do feel that DH could/should have been able to prevent this, so I was more angry with him).  After I ranted for about an hour, DH told me that it was really his fault and not to be so angry with his friend (so he did recognize that it WAS his fault).  I told him that I was going to pay the guy because the yard does look nice.  I am not going to pay for the belt, if it can't be returned then too bad.  Maybe someone'll learn from that. 

And last but not least, I made clear (I hope) to DH that from now on, NOBODY will be doing any work at our house for pay, unless there is a price set up ahead of time, WITH ME, and any related purchases are to be ok'd before they are made.  If work is done at our house without my knowledge or acquiescence, then DH will have to find a way to pay for it.  I will not do this again.  I got the impression that DH thought I was going too far.  I don't.  Despite the fact that I'm apparently a really slow learner, I'm getting really tired of this.

I also got the impression that DH felt like I was being rather controlling.  But hey....I control the money and there is a reason for that, right?  If I am trying to live within our means and stuff like this keeps popping up, how on earth is "living within our means" going to be possible?

I have a headache.

Giveaway winner--Congratulations

Since there were six valid entries to the drawing, I did a dice roll to get the winner.

Congratulations to Jody who is the random winner of the "Manic" book.  Jody, I'll send you an email so that I can send it out to you as soon as possible!!!!  Thanks to everyone for "entering"--I wish I had a copy for everyone!!!!  This was fun, I'll probably do more giveaways in the future....

Do you ever stop and shake your head???

I think I'm getting to that point, and I wouldn't be surprised if many of you are there already.  Could more crap just happen to me???? (slightly bitter laugh).  Of course.  I barely have time to get upset about the drama in my life any more, because the instant I adjust to something, something else happens.

Well, I managed to meet a deer on my way home from my "part time" job.  The deer, unfortunately, didn't live to tell the story (at least I'm pretty sure--she ran away but had to be hurt pretty bad) and neither did my car.  My little car is totalled.  The deer hit on the hood, slid up the hood, went partially through the windshield (shattered the glass and added big hole) and also managed to dent the roof of the car.  Due to the 180 mile round trip commute that came with my prior full time position, my wonderful little car had 275,000 miles on it.  So I'm not probably going to get enough insurance money to get another car like it....and I'm sad.  I really liked that car.

So DH and I have been sharing a car (not easy, but apparently mostly doable) until I get the insurance check and we can go car shopping.  I've been looking on line to see if I can find a car that comes close to what I had.....my car was a 2004 Toyota Corolla--and I'm getting about $4500 for it.....it's not looking good :-(

I'm ready for something good to happen.  I'm only half serious there, though....because interspersed with all this dramatic bad stuff, there have been a LOT of blessings--I'm ok, for one....just some glass slivers.....and happy that I didn't, in the name of penny-pinching, decide to drop the collision insurance on the car....and like my mom--she actually is pretty comfortable in the nursing home.  I guess it just was time....?  And DH's job--if he wasn't working, I don't know how I'd get the propane tank filled for winter....and even more small blessings.....so I know I shouldn't complain.  But jeez--most people I know only have one big thing like this happen at a time, you know?????  Not like an entire lifetime of crises in just a couple of years.....I want to be one of those "one crisis at a time" folks!

Bipolar Giveaway

I've decided that I'm going to offer a copy of "Manic" by Terri Cheney to one lucky reader.

The book is a paperback, used.

It's a New York Times Bestseller.

From the cover:  An attractive, highly successful Beverly Hills entertainment lawyer, Terri Cheney had  been battling debilitating bipolar disorder for the better part of her life--and concealing a pharmacy's worth of prescription drugs meant to stabilize her moods and make her "normal".  In explosive bursts of prose that mirror the devastating mania and extreme despair of her illness, she describes her roller-coaster existence with shocking honesty, giving brilliant voice to the previously unarticulated madness she endured.  This book does not simply explain bipolar disorder, it takes us into its grasp and does not let go.

I read this book and found it so real that I knew I'd never read it again.  There were parts where I had to put it down because some of the things were very similar to what DH has experienced.  I thought, though, that probably one of my readers might be interested in reading the book.

If you would like to be entered into the drawing, please comment below with an email address where I can reach you.  On July 16 I will use Random.com to select a winner.  I will post the winner here, and notify you by email. 

Huh-oh.....

Well, the "red flags" are popping up all over the place.  DH is having a much harder time going to work.  He's come home early twice, and called in once :-(  I am convinced now that he is not going to be able to keep this job.  I have been quietly rejoicing every day that he makes it to work, because it's a little more money to pay some things off before we can't.....but it's becoming clear that it's a short-term thing :-(

He's been getting into disagreements with his supervisors again.  Over stupid stuff.  And disagreements with his coworkers, too.  He got into a big argument with a guy who comes back from his break later than he should.  That guy apparently griped to either DH's supervisor or to HR (nobody is exactly sure) and he got in trouble for "harassing" the guy.  So then he (DH) took the issue to the director (but it didn't go too far, of course).  He's getting so worked up over "normal" workplace stressors that I feel like it's only a matter of time before he either gets fired or quits.

And then.....my brother came up to see my mom, and he wanted to go to the bar with DH.  So DH went, but it was awful.  If you saw DH, you would've thought that his best friend, AND his mom AND his dog had died.  He was so depressed.  And he was doing that "talking in slow motion" thing again.  My brother (who doesn't notice much at all) said "I've never seen DH like that, not ever.  It's like he's a different person and I can't cheer him up.  What's going on with him?"  (My brother only knows a little about the mental illness thing, and when I told him about that a couple of years ago, he was convinced that he could "fix it" by talking with DH and being his friend.  It was a nice idea, just not realistic, of course.

Oh....and did I mention that the back pain is back????

Anyhow, there's a NAMI meeting for families on 7/17 and I think I am going to go.  It's about 45 miles away, but I think it's about time I met some other real-life people who have been through similar stuff.  I'll keep you posted, of course.

DD and my mom

DD, from what I've heard, has been having a tough time at the residential treatment center.  I guess she's been picking fights with other kids over stupid stuff, and the other night, when staff tried to intervene, she picked up a fork and attacked the staff with it--they had to physically restrain her :-(  Her "discharge" is supposed to be on Thursday (has it really been 30 days already???) and she is very much looking forward to it.  However, the therapist at the RTC has said that she is so out of control that she really needs more treatment (they're thinking like 6-9 months).  DD has no idea, and it's going to be a "mother" of all tantrums when she finds out.  I am not planning on being the one to tell her.  I'd rather not even be within 10 miles of her when she finds out.  She called last night and sounded better than she has in a long time.  But I thought that the night before the fork incident, too.


My mom is adjusting surprisingly well to the nursing home.  We have decided to keep telling her she's in "rehab", because I'm afraid if she thinks she's never getting out of there, she might lose her will to live.  Sometimes I'm not sure she even realizes that she's in a different place--she sleeps a lot and some of the activities are the same in the nursing home as they were in the assisted living......She still tells me I need to get her out of there.  I just agree with her and tell her I'll get her out as soon as I can :-(  She tells me she is "doing much better now".  And she is.  But I think that's because she's getting so much more help there.   It's shocking, really, she's now incontinent, and sometimes doesn't recognize me, even when I tell her my name :-(  I keep wondering if I was in so much denial that I just didn't see how bad she was, or if it was a sudden "step" down for her....?  I've been trying to do more research on Alzheimer's so that I know what to expect.  Based on what I've learned, my mom appears to be in the "late" stages of the disease.  Every time she takes a step down I grieve for the mom I've lost this time.  Sometimes I feel so guilty, because I just wish it would be over with.  But I love my mom so much--I can't stand this "death by a thousand cuts".

We are keeping my mom's cat in DD's bedroom by itself.  I'm so afraid he isn't going to fit in to the "general population".  I guess as long as DD isn't using the room, he can.  I know he's lonesome, though.  But he's eating and drinking, and asking for attention when I come in to check on him.....so I guess, all in all, so far anyhow, the transition for both the cat and for my mom has gone smoother than I would have expected.