Tuesday, July 20, 2010

DD called last night.

She's been moved to a longer-term house on the campus where she's been staying.  (We all [DH, me, the therapist(s), other staff, social worker] had a meeting last week and it was agreed that her violent behavior demonstrated a need for her to stay in residential treatment for as long as 6-9 months...)

Anyhow, apparently it hasn't been going well there.  I know they had taken a weekend "outing", so I wasn't able to call her or find out how she's been doing....so Monday night, she called and said she wants to come home.  She was crying and told me she doesn't like it there.  She told me that she has been getting into a lot of trouble every day, and nobody likes her, not even the therapist.  I asked her how she knew the therapist didn't like her, and she said "because she says I start things."  "Can I please come home?"

I wanted to say "well, you were having those same troubles at home, too--at least there, someone'll do something about it."  But instead I told her I wished she was at home too (a lie--I want the OLD DD back, not this angry and violent DD). 

I felt like my heart was breaking when she started to cry.  But then I realized, as she talked about how nobody likes her, etc., that she still has absolutely NO insight into what the problem(s) are.  It's pretty bad when she's at a place FULL of kids with emotional problems, and none of them like her either....makes me really sad, but also, when I hear that she's having so many troubles there, I know that handling her at home truly would not have been realistic.  I still feel bad.  I wish things were different.  I hope they can get her on the right meds.


GB's Mom said...

Sometimes all you can do is hope and pray. {{{Hugs}}}

perphila said...

I'm so sorry. I hope they can get a handle on the violent behavior. I will pray for all of you. I know you feel the loss of the "old" DD from your family.

Anonymous said...

How long can she be institutionalized before she's out on the street and of "legal age"? I assume the state is paying for all this. As bad as the situation is now, if state funding craters (all but a few states are completely broke) or her term is up, then what?

marythemom said...

At first my daughter was upset while in residential treatment because she wasn't allowed to exchange contact information with the kids there (we talked about how kids were there to concentrate on their issues, and were not ready to focus on others). Then she got upset because she wasn't able to make friends (she's super friendly and has always been able to make friends, just doesn't have the social skills to keep them). We repeatedly talked about how kids at places like this have difficulties with making and keeping friends. It led to several conversations about boundaries, reciprocity (give and take in a relationship), knowing how to "fight fair," all the skills the "other" kids needed before they were ready to have relationships. By talking about what the other kids needed of course we had an opportunity to talk about skills she needed.

Mary in TX

Grace. said...

It IS hard having a child in residential treatment who doesn't want to be there. But the key is to presevere, keep restating your goals for her (NO violence!), and tell her that she has to make the best of the situation by learning how to manage her own behavior before she can permanently return home. Stress to her that there have to be measurable and permanent changes, not just the desire to return home because if that's all it took, she would have been home yesterday. The other problem is figuring out if this particular treatment center is the right place--i.e. do they really know how to handle kids with FASD. That's another tough one. My personal experience with residential treatment was not so hot--the very young staff did not have experience with FASD, or adopted children--they kept wanting to blame me for my child's behavior, never mind that she was 11 years old when she first came to me.

Hang in there--you know she can't come home with her current mindset.

Lisa said...

My daughter was in residential treatment for 9 months. Reading your blog is like reading my secret thoughts. My daughter turned 18 on July 14. She moved out, and is quitting all her meds. She is also bipolar and since she is 18, there is nothing we can do. On the one hand, it's over! I don't have to deal with it any more! On the other hand, Oh my God she's on her own!