Monday, February 4, 2008

Tonite he's depressed. Or is it me that's depressed?

I got up at about 5pm again, and right away, DH said he needed to talk to me.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE NEEDS CIGS AND POP AGAIN. I just bought him 5 12-packs of pop three days ago, and made sure he had cigs too. And my paycheck is still missing in action, so I am broker than usual. I tried to be gentle in explaining to him that my funds are limited. I only have so much more room on the credit card, I have nothing in my bank account at all, the cell phones are late getting paid, the land line phone bill is late, too, and a couple of other misc bills that I thought were going to get paid last week when my check showed up (but it didn't)....

Anyhow, here are some things, and I'm probably kind of rambling, because my thoughts are racing tonite, but anyhow....

Jim's grandma passed away yesterday. He has no money to get home for the funeral. So I took a $140 cash advance from the credit card, gave Jim $100 and DH $40. I know that when Jim's taxes come back, he will actually pay me back. Apparently, according to DH, Jim has already said that he is going to be giving me money when he gets his taxes back. I got the impression that DH was a little resentful of that, that Jim will be giving the money to ME and not to DH. Well, too bad, I can't see things working any other way, that's for sure. But as far as Jim goes, I have no idea, if he up and gets hit by a bus or something, how I will pay all this stuff.

And DH was doing the "I'm a no-good piece of shit and deserve to die" thing, because I made a point of telling him that when I am struggling to pay for propane, buying him cigs and pop is not a priority. I told him he needs to lower his sights on whatever jobs he is applying for. I totally don't understand how he can sit here month after month, not contributing, sucking up my cash, and telling himself "I don't want to work for minimum wage." And I told him that tonight, in a nicer way. "Some money is better than no money." He reluctantly agreed, but I doubt that will change anything. He has agreed with me on this issue before, and still only applied for jobs that paid decent, of which there are very few in our area to begin with...Then he said "You know I'm really trying hard to find a job." And all I wanted to say was "You've spent the last four days watching movies, sleeping, and going to therapy appointments and Spenders. How is that going to find you a job? When you're home, you're either sleeping or asking me for money--you haven't gone out and applied for anything at all." But I bit my tongue. After all, if he was thinking as clearly as I am, he wouldn't be mentally ill, right?

Anyhow, I tried to make my point in a somewhat gentle way. There are no more hours in my week for me to work. I cannot do anything more. And the bills are mounting, not going down. I just hate this. I know I am doing so many things right, I just have this cement anchor that keeps dragging me under and no matter how hard I swim, no matter how long I hold my breath, I am going to drown. I'm scared. Really scared right now.

I did call the caseworker guy from the county last week, he said someone would be calling me back, but nobody ever did. So I'm not sure about if I'm going to try again or not....at least I did it.

I just don't know how other families do it. I cannot pay for his vices. I cannot pay the bills, let alone keep buying his stupid pop and cigs. And when I tell him "no" or when I try to remind him to conserve, he gets that "I'm worthless and wish I was dead" thing going on. I just can't win, no matter what.

Sometimes it's just really hard, that's all.


Iris said...

I think families caring for someone with severe bipolar disorder fall into two large categories for the most part - those that drown or bob just above the surface, and those who cut the bipolar person out of their lives completely or institutionalize them. I make no judgment as to either of those routes, as both are incredibly hard things to do. What you want to try to do is what almost no one does. Stay, help, and keep your own situation and finances under control. This is by far the hardest thing to do. Your emotions, your money, your well-being - everything from you - is all that both of you have (not fair is it?). So you have to protect them.

If DH truly goes over the edge because of soda and cigarettes, then there was nothing you could have done to help anyway. He doesn't need them, you can't afford them, and they can actually aggravate his condition. Bipolars need to eat healthy, balanced diets, and the more raw sugar they pour into themselves (soda), the more likely they are to steer even further off course. Tell him you love him, and you can't afford it. End of story. And then don't indulge all the stuff he says in response. He will try to get to you in any way that he can to get what he wants. To a certain extent, most of what he says doesn't matter. You are keeping him alive, whether he understands that or not. Don't let him get in your way. And please, call the caseworker again!!!!

Hugs, Iris

JOANN said...

Iris is right. You are very strong for staying & helping him stay alive. Keep up the good work.
Of course you are going to feel a little depressed or unsure of what you are doing, if you didn't you would not be human.
You will be in my prayers.

joann said...

oh almost forgot please call the case worker again!!!!