He's extremely depressed these last two days...

Well, yesterday, basically everything I could say that in the least bit implied that I didn't think DH was perfect, got him very upset and convinced that I don't love him. He's also convinced that he's "a piece of sh**" and shouldn't be allowed to live. He met with his therapist yesterday, I don't know what was said, but the therapist definitely didn't make things better....the nurse practitioner (who prescribes DH's meds, and recently upped his Effexor dose), had wanted the Crisis team to come out for a few visits, but, according to DH, his therapist didn't think that was necessary, so they got cancelled.

I'm really discouraged. The snow has been melting, and I look at our yard and I just don't know what to do. DH has completely quit with finding any kind of trash can for his trash that happens to not be in the house, like cans/wrappers from his car. The entire yard is littered with cans, wrappers, cig butts, etc. I just look at it and get so discouraged. DH used to take so much pride in how the yard looks, now it's like he's lost all respect for himself and also for the yard. But I don't want to say anything to him about it, because that'll just be more reason "why I don't love him" and "why he shouldn't be alive."

Tonite, he's called me, but he doesn't say anything, he's been in bed all day and all night. He says he's "thinking about life." That's a new one. I don't know if I should be scared or not. I never know what to do. I do know, though, that if I wait around long enough, things'll change...they always do.....

Oh--and he was planning on going to Emotions Anonymous tonite, I guess, but the PCA that was supposed to stay with dd while he was gone up and decided at the last minute, that she was going home, so that left dd with nobody to stay with her and we try very hard not to do that.....so he didn't go. We need to talk to the PCA company about the PCA, because she's horrendously undependable, and we've been putting it off, because we like her, but we also don't have her come just for "fun", we really do need the help sometimes. And I know DH isn't likely to address the matter, so once again it'll be me...

You know, after a while, I start wanting to tell him to shut up already with his "poor me" stuff, I am sick of him feeling sorry for himself. I know it's part of the disease, but I get so sick of it, and for the most part, I don't really listen very closely any more, unless I think it's truly warranted....