It's going to hit the fan tonite.

Well, we had just tentatively made the decision to plan for DD to come back home after her stay at the RTC.  The staff there had made such a point of telling us "how she's turned it around" and "she's really working hard to make this work", so we felt like she should have a chance.

That was less than a week ago.

Over the weekend, she was assaultive towards another kid and a staff, then ran away from the RTC and the police brought her back.  She continued to be verbally abusive to staff and peers after this, and bordering on becoming physical again, so the staff there has changed their recommendation to a group home or foster care setting.

They're going to tell her tonite.  And I'm certain that it won't be pretty.

We will be meeting with DD, therapist and staff tomorrow night.  Not looking forward to the blame that she will heap on us for the choices she made.  But they were her choices.

I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I thought all along that this was what the outcome would be.  I was hoping I was wrong.

Since she's on the brink of 18, there will be a lot to learn....for sure.

In my "bad mom" moments I just want to wash my hands of the whole situation, but I (most of the time) love her too much to give up completely.

The RCT told us to prepare for phone calls tonite.  Yikes.

P.S.  We still have not heard anything about DH's disability--it's been 6 weeks now, and they said 2-4.....probably not a good sign :-(

I don't like my daughter.

We've had several "home visits" now, where she comes to our house and spends a couple of days.  Of course, with me still working both jobs, I don't have a lot of time to spend with her, but that's ok, because most of the time I don't want to spend time with her at all.  Isn't that sad?

It's as if she is constantly looking for an "excuse" to get angry with me.  Here's an example:  About a week ago, DH and I picked DD up at the place where she's at.  DD had been talking about applying for a scholarship so that she could attend a rather prestigious cooking school.  While I do think that cooking school is a much better and much more realistic choice than her previous choice (paleontologist), when she showed me the scholarship rules, I got worried.  The scholarship can only be won by achieving a certain score on the ACT college entrance exam.  I know that unless things change drastically, she can't do that.  She has yet to pass the skills test for graduation, and she's taken it several times.  I hate to see her disappointed, so, thinking ahead, I said "that's great!  And I know if the scholarship doesn't work out, there are a lot of programs for former foster children that can pay your way, too!" And she got right up in my face and told me that "I have my heart set on this and you never want to let me do anything I want!"  And she kept right on yelling at me, even when I asked her "Did you even hear a word I said?"  Sadly, this is kind of a typical exchange for her and me.

The treatment center where she is at has said that they have now talked with the county and the county will only pay for her to stay there until June.  And at that point, we have to decide where she is going.  They are pushing for her to come back to our house.  I don't want to live with her, but I feel like a bad mom when I even think like that.  So I keep going along with things....

Then.....this week they started bringing up the possibility of allowing DD to go on unsupervised visits to her bio mom's.  "Because her bio mom has been going to therapy and appears to have cleaned up her act..."  Everything about this made me want to scream "No, no, no, ABSOLUTELY NOT!"  But once again, since they (the therapists) seem to think it's a good idea, especially since DD will be turning 18 soon (and despite the fact that supposedly the legal guardianship is moving along) as they don't want DD to resent us for keeping her from her bio mom.  So once again....I feel like a bad mom, because these visits are the last thing I want and the last thing I think will be good for DD.  Her bio mom has very good intentions but cannot say no to DD, not ever.  Kind of like DH, but there's nobody there (at bio mom's ) to step in when that happens.  And....I admit it....I know DD will always choose bio mom over me, so I'm already a little hurt and jealous in advance.

It's all very hard for me.  DH doesn't seem to see anything wrong with these things at all.  Mostly right now I just want to throw up my hands and say "all right already, she can do whatever the hell she wants and I'm not going to waste any more energy on maintaining a relationship with this hateful little person!" But I know that's not the answer either....it's just that I'm overwhelmed without worrying about these things, and I don't think there's a way I can make a good decision here, at least one that I'm comfortable with.....

P.S.  Please say a heartfelt prayer for everyone in Japan right now....my cousin (who is Japanese-American) was in Tokyo when the earthquake happened, and she and her husband are ok, but we aren't sure if they're coming back to the U.S. now or not (they weren't planning on it).....

DH: on the brink of losing his job

Well, I've mentioned it a little before, but DH went in to work last night and found out that because he's missed so many days, they're cutting his hours.  He was a little upset, but I honestly don't see how he can be too upset, because on his very first day of work, he explained to me how it works, and every single time he's called in since then, I've reminded him of what could happen....and now it's happening.  They go by a "points" system where he works.  If you are tardy, it's one point.  If you call in sick on a weekday, it's 1 point.  If you call in sick on a Friday or Saturday, it's 2 points, and there are some days when they are super busy, where if you call in, it can be 3 points.  When you get to eight points, they take one of your shifts away.  At 9 points, they take another (total of two shifts) away.  And when you get to ten points, you're fired.

I'm nervous.  Even losing one shift is a lot of money.  But I've known since he started that this job of his probably wouldn't last....

But.....I'm still hoping that maybe the disability will come through....that way, we'll still have some sort of income from him if he loses his job.

On a more optimistic side....I have had my 6 month review at work (it was a good one) and I passed probation, so I'm now a permanent county employee there.  I also got a .60/hr raise (yay!).  I'm still quite a bit below what I was making before, but doing quite a bit better than if I was working at WalMart.....

I'm so much hoping that the disability comes through.  DH has told me a lot about the hearing, and he hasn't told me anything that would make me think that the judge realistically thought he could do anything....but, like I told DH, "based on how things have been for us these last few years, good financial stuff (with the exception of my job and possibly his) just does not seem to happen to us."  So it'll be nice if it happens, but "par for the course" if it doesn't.

Along those lines, this past week, one morning I got into work, logged on to my computer, and went to check my bank account to make sure my balance was what I thought it was.  It wasn't. (!)  Someone somewhere had charged internet service and textbooks to my check card somehow.  So I lost about $150 before the bank shut the card off.  It appears that the purchases were made only minutes before I signed on to check my account, so that was lucky--who knows how much damage they would've done if I hadn't been so anal about keeping track of that stuff?  But.....that money was earmarked to pay DH's year-old dentist bill (which totals $400) and now I won't be able to pay that until the bank fixes things (they said they'd put the money back into my account in about 2 weeks)....sigh....just one more stressor...

I just seem to get so panicked when the money stuff doesn't leave me/us any "wiggle room" at all.  If the car broke down again, there would be no way to fix it.  I'm lucky that the vet, if there was an emergency, would hold a check or let me make payments, but I don't want to take advantage of that if I don't have to.....DH's disability back pay would help so much.....right now I can pay most of the bills on time.  But there's nothing left over, especially with gas going up....I desperately don't want to use my 401k to make things more manageable.  Right now, I'm hoping against hope that I don't have to.  I know what a bad idea it is, and every financial planner in the world says not to do it.  But sometimes, when I'm trying to figure out how to pay everything so that nothing gets shut off, it seems like a way to make things a little less stressful.  My plan before the disability potentially came into play was that I would use a relatively small sum from the 401k to pay off the bills from town here that are kind of "handshake" loans, where people/places gave us credit because they're nice and so are we.  I so much don't want to ruin any "good name" that's left.....but....beyond that, the credit cards.....well, I'm a lot less averse to filing bankruptcy on them.....I don't want to, but I would not use my 401k to pay those.  So if it came down to it, the plan would not be to use up all of my 401k to pay debt, just use a small amount to give a little "wiggle room" and take care of debt that I owe to people who I will have to look in the eye someday.  If the disability comes through, I won't have to worry about any of this.....and I'm sure hoping that it does....

Disability Hearing

DH had his disability hearing today. I’m amazed, but it sounds extremely hopeful. Apparently there were statements from numerous doctors regarding the fact that he can not function on his own, and if he was required to live independently, he would likely require a group home.

So…..it sounds like….DH made "too much" money last year at his security job. But what that means is, that if the judge finds that DH is/was disabled, he would still get the back pay, and he would be "on disability" but he would not receive any payments until/unless his income went down (i.e., he starts working less or loses his job).

Apparently the attorney made it sound like the back pay is almost a sure thing (it would be about $18000 for us!) and then if he loses his job, he could just fill out an application to have his benefits redetermined and he would be getting about $1400/mo!!!!!!!

I’m still not confident. I’ll believe it when I see it J

But DH told me that the attorney told him "in two to four weeks, things will be a lot better for you guys…." And that she (the attorney) was very confident and said that everything went exactly as she wanted it to…..and that this particular judge "likes" when a person keeps trying to work despite their disability……

This would be potentially triply good news, because where DH is working, they have a "point system", where if you are late, you get 1 point, if you call in on a weekday, you get 1 point, if you call in on a weekend or a holiday, you get 2 points, and when you get to 10 points, you are fired. Yesterday, DH called in to work again….and that makes 9 points. So….potentially, if he gets fired, we might not be completely "up a creek".

And also….I had just decided that I was going to raid my 401k from my previous job to pay a couple of things off (like the engine) (and the $1400 hospital bill from last year’s hospitalization for DH)….I know it’s a bad idea, but things are so very tight right now that there is no other way I could ever pay for these things. I really did not want to take that tax hit, but didn’t see a lot of alternatives short of bankruptcy….and I don’t want to file bankruptcy on bills that are local—does that make sense? Like the 4-wheeler loan, that’s with a local credit union….and the hospital bill….with a local small-town hospital….I just couldn’t stand the thought of hurting my local economy in any way (but hurting a big bank isn’t so personal….I guess…-).) For the most part, I really felt like the 401k was the best route, even if I had to rob from my future.....

Now I think I’m gonna wait 2-4 weeks and see what happens……

DD & DH

We have now set things up so that DD comes home every other weekend for a visit.  However, since I'm still working 2 jobs, I haven't been all that involved in the visits--it's been mostly DH.  DD had an exceptionally good visit two weeks ago, where she was like the kid that she was before the worst of this stupid stuff happened.  Both DH and I enjoyed the visit tremendously, and were hoping for more.

This week, however, I'm seeing/feeling things I don't know how to describe.  First off, when we were scheduling the visit, DD got angry with me when I wouldn't do things her way.  She hung up on me.  I imposed a consequence.  That was all normal and as good as can be expected.  But I think since DH had so much fun during the last visit, he's really jumping the gun with this one.  DD's consequence still has not been performed, I think DH has forgotten about it completely.  He consulted with me after we got her home for the visit and asked if I thought it would be ok if she had her friend over for a sleepover.  I said "we should wait and see how she does tonite and tomorrow morning before we decide."  To me that sounded like a "let's evaluate this together when we get to tomorrow."  But to DH it sounded like "if you think she's been good enough, go ahead."  So he decided it was ok.  And I'm pretty frustrated about that.  But maybe it was my fault for not communicating clearly what I was expecting.  I know that when my "gut" feeling is that I'm mad, and I can't put into words why that is, there's still probably a legitimate reason.

Then, Friday was payday for both DH and me.  It's the day when I give DH his "fun money" allowance for the week.  I normally get home from work at 6:45pm.  He had already called me on my drive home to see where I was and did I have his money?  But I had to stop at a place to pet-sit (it's kind of my intermittent 3rd job) for some people before I got home.  So....while I was still driving to the pet-sitting, he called again asking where I was.  And then after I had been there for 10 minutes, he called AGAIN.  Then, when I turned on to our road, DH apparently got both girls in the car and drove up the road to intercept me on the way so that he could get his stupid money as fast as possible.  I'm irritated about this, to say the least.

This was a remnant of one of our/my problems when DD was living at our house--DH is not a dad to her a lot of the time, he's like another kid.  He just wants to have fun as much as DD and he does not make being a parent or setting a good example a priority.  And she takes full advantage of it.  So it makes me angry with both of them, although I realize intellectually, DD is just doing what kids do: taking advantage of a lack of limits wherever she can find them.  There's no excuse for DH not to step up to the "dad" plate.  But then I fall into the "how much is he capable of, am I expecting too much with his mental health issues?"

On a better (for my sanity) note: The residential treatment center where DD is staying is going to petition to have her stay there past her 18th birthday.  This is a big relief to me, because they were really pressuring me to decide if she was going to come home or not and, while I don't think it's realistic to think that she's "better" enough to come home, I also don't want to be the meanie who basically (in DD's mind anyhow) says "we don't want you any more."  We've already had some set-to's on that issue, because DD now knows that if she cannot improve her behavior, there is a group home placement in her future, and she is hurt and angry about it.  So the fact that the RTC does not think she is ready to go anywhere is a big relief to me.  Maybe a miracle will happen and she will be able to turn things around to where we could make it work.  And if she can't, maybe we can procrastinate that decision to where there is less stress and drama in my life at the time (I know--how likely is that?)

My mom is falling apart, piece by piece....

The nurse practitioner called me and let me know that my mom's hemoglobin was at 8.2.  8.0 is usually the cut-off for when someone needs a transfusion.  She offered me some options--1) do nothing, let nature take its course (since I was already agonizing about life and death decisions with Sarah, this one was tough to entertain.... and 2) do the transfusion and see how long her hemoglobin improves for and reconsider...and 3) do a whole bunch of tests to see if we can figure out where the bleeding is coming from.  That one isn't under serious consideration, because first of all, my mom has been anemic for years and has had CT scans, MRIs, colonoscopies, esophageal scopes and other tests to find the source and nothing has ever turned up and also....my mom is so frail right now, even if we did find something, there probably wouldn't be much we could do about it--it's not like if we found colon cancer, for example, that we could do surgery or chemo or radiation, so what's really the point of putting her through all those tests that are so stressful....?

After looking online and talking to some people, I had pretty much decided that a transfusion (at least the very first one ever) would be minimally invasive and with very little risk of side effects, so I was pretty set to go ahead....

Then I went to visit her, and the first thing she said was "I'm not sure how to tell you this, but I'm going to be coming into a lot of money tomorrow. More than a hundred dollars! I'm in shock! The caretaker here (NH?) is going to give it to me."....so right away I ran into the hallway, caught the charge nurse and asked her to order a UA--sure enough, hazy urine with "many" bacteria I'm losing count of how many UTIs this makes. They're starting her on a CEPHA antibiotic until they get the culture back. I'm suspecting, since the NP warned me that it could happen, that this is the VRE again....sigh....

But wait! There's more! The charge nurse examined her and there was a small amount of bloody fluid coming from her left ear. Then, a few hours later, there was bloody fluid coming from her right ear, also. NP will be officially checking this today, but general consensus is ear infection(s) in both ears. My mom says she has no pain, thank goodness...

They say the CEPHA antibiotic will also help the ear infection(s)....but this is very scary to me, as I cannot remember the last time my mom had one ear infection (maybe 30 years ago?) let alone two (never?)...

It's like an old car where more and more parts wear out until you just can't fix it any more.

And I'm not ready for this.

Rest in Peace, Sarah (woowoo dog) 1995-2011

Well, that part of my saga is over.  I made the appointment and brought her in.  And though I "pottied" her twice in the fifteen minutes preceding her appointment, she still had an "accident" when we got to the vets.  I'm not sure why, but I saw that as some kind of sign that I was doing the right thing.

The vet, whom I've known for several years, was awesome.  I've had a number of animals "put to sleep", but this time, with Sarah, it was really like she did just go to sleep.  She was even snoring.  I still had some doubts and trepidation right up until the last minute.

When the vet announced that she was "gone", I was sitting on the floor with her, rubbing her ears.  It was so peaceful, it was hard for me to believe she wasn't just taking a nap.  The vet sat down on the floor with me and asked me how we got her, how old was at the time, and I shared some stories.  Then he told me that he thought I did the right thing and he talked briefly about old age and lingering, as he knows about my mom (he was the vet who put my mom's cat to sleep not too long ago, too) and the Alzheimer's, and he shared that his father had recently passed away at age 85.  "He was just walking along and he dropped.  And that was it."  And we talked about that for a little.

I left, feeling comforted and at peace with the decision.  Of course, every time I come home and there's no mess on the floor, it hits me again--isn't that pathetic?  I cry because nobody peed on the floor.

That dog was one of a kind.  I'm going to miss her.  Sometimes I'm still not sure if maybe I should have waited a while longer, but there were some very direct parallels to my mom's illness--Sarah had "good" days and "bad" days, and on the "bad" days, I was very certain that it was her time.  It was the "good" days that made me doubt myself.  However, I can't change it now, so I just need to revisit all the "bad" days and convince myself that it was right.  Most of the time I can do that.

Time to make a Dr. appt...I suppose...when I have time...

I participated in a clinical study for caregivers recently.  Yesterday I received this in my email:

"......Hope you are having a good week!

We have been looking at caregivers' responses to the first set of questionnaires that you completed. One set of questions asked about caregiver burden and stress, and the other set asked about feelings of depression. I wanted to share your score on each questionnaire. Note that this information is and will remain confidential. These questionnaires are used by health care providers in many settings.


Zarit Caregiver Burden Inventory

The Zarit questionnaire measures feelings of stress and burden. Possible scores on this scale range from 0 to 48. A higher score means a higher level of stress and burden.

Scoring guidelines:
0 – 11 = little or no burden
12 – 23 = mild to moderate burden
24 – 35 = moderate to severe burden
36 – 48 = severe burden

YOUR Zarit Caregiver Burden Inventory score: 35

If your score is 24 or above, I strongly encourage you to bring this up with your doctor as soon as you can.


Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression Scale

This scale, called the CES-D, measures feelings of depression. Possible scores range from 0 to 30. A high score means a higher level of depressive symptoms or feelings.

Scoring guidelines:
7 or lower = few or no depressive symptoms are present
8 or higher = some depressive symptoms are present

If your score is 8 or above, I strongly encourage you to bring this up with your doctor as soon as you can.

YOUR Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression score: 20


Now what?

These questionnaires do not provide a diagnosis, but may indicate an area of concern. You may want to talk about your feelings with your doctor or a counselor since your scores on both assessments were on the higher end. I have also attached two documents for you that discuss caregiver stress and depression, which may be of some help."

I know I've been stressed out, and suspected I was depressed but...jeesh!  I'll be making an appointment as soon as I have time (it will have to be on a Saturday, but I can do it....it can only help, right?)