Saturday, February 19, 2011


We have now set things up so that DD comes home every other weekend for a visit.  However, since I'm still working 2 jobs, I haven't been all that involved in the visits--it's been mostly DH.  DD had an exceptionally good visit two weeks ago, where she was like the kid that she was before the worst of this stupid stuff happened.  Both DH and I enjoyed the visit tremendously, and were hoping for more.

This week, however, I'm seeing/feeling things I don't know how to describe.  First off, when we were scheduling the visit, DD got angry with me when I wouldn't do things her way.  She hung up on me.  I imposed a consequence.  That was all normal and as good as can be expected.  But I think since DH had so much fun during the last visit, he's really jumping the gun with this one.  DD's consequence still has not been performed, I think DH has forgotten about it completely.  He consulted with me after we got her home for the visit and asked if I thought it would be ok if she had her friend over for a sleepover.  I said "we should wait and see how she does tonite and tomorrow morning before we decide."  To me that sounded like a "let's evaluate this together when we get to tomorrow."  But to DH it sounded like "if you think she's been good enough, go ahead."  So he decided it was ok.  And I'm pretty frustrated about that.  But maybe it was my fault for not communicating clearly what I was expecting.  I know that when my "gut" feeling is that I'm mad, and I can't put into words why that is, there's still probably a legitimate reason.

Then, Friday was payday for both DH and me.  It's the day when I give DH his "fun money" allowance for the week.  I normally get home from work at 6:45pm.  He had already called me on my drive home to see where I was and did I have his money?  But I had to stop at a place to pet-sit (it's kind of my intermittent 3rd job) for some people before I got home.  So....while I was still driving to the pet-sitting, he called again asking where I was.  And then after I had been there for 10 minutes, he called AGAIN.  Then, when I turned on to our road, DH apparently got both girls in the car and drove up the road to intercept me on the way so that he could get his stupid money as fast as possible.  I'm irritated about this, to say the least.

This was a remnant of one of our/my problems when DD was living at our house--DH is not a dad to her a lot of the time, he's like another kid.  He just wants to have fun as much as DD and he does not make being a parent or setting a good example a priority.  And she takes full advantage of it.  So it makes me angry with both of them, although I realize intellectually, DD is just doing what kids do: taking advantage of a lack of limits wherever she can find them.  There's no excuse for DH not to step up to the "dad" plate.  But then I fall into the "how much is he capable of, am I expecting too much with his mental health issues?"

On a better (for my sanity) note: The residential treatment center where DD is staying is going to petition to have her stay there past her 18th birthday.  This is a big relief to me, because they were really pressuring me to decide if she was going to come home or not and, while I don't think it's realistic to think that she's "better" enough to come home, I also don't want to be the meanie who basically (in DD's mind anyhow) says "we don't want you any more."  We've already had some set-to's on that issue, because DD now knows that if she cannot improve her behavior, there is a group home placement in her future, and she is hurt and angry about it.  So the fact that the RTC does not think she is ready to go anywhere is a big relief to me.  Maybe a miracle will happen and she will be able to turn things around to where we could make it work.  And if she can't, maybe we can procrastinate that decision to where there is less stress and drama in my life at the time (I know--how likely is that?)


Anonymous said...

What, exactly, does your DH contribute to the household? Not to be a big bummer of a meanie but he seems to be more of an overgrown teenager than a partner and a helpmate.
As for your DD, RTC followed by a group home seems like the best route.

Anonymous said...

Next time your he pesters you for money tell him you spent it all on pop and cigarettes, then get on the computer and play games for eight hours.

perphila said...

Another way of looking at it could be that DD would, like any grown up child, have gone away and lived somewhere else. The same problems of making sure your child knows you aren't "kicking them out" and that you still love them and that you are still a family are just a part of change. It's just in varying degrees. DD will need more reassurance but at least she is in the best place for her and for you. I wouldn't feel guilty for that. As for the visits, recognizing that the old problems are still there is a good thing. Just removing DD from the situation doesn't solve the "problem" but it does give you a break. The issue is really DH. You can add it to the list of things to discuss with him in his stable moments and another thing you would like to address in therapy. If he ever gets that far.

Grace. said...

What is the outlook for DD's ability to function on her own as an adult? Is it likely she will always live in a group setting? Will the RTC help transition her into a permanent living situation?
My situation with my two daughters with FAE was different in that neither was sufficiently handicapped to need group living as adults. Which is NOT to say that they still didn't need a whole lotta help!

Carol said...

General consensus is that DD will not be able to live independently as an adult unless things change drastically. She cannot effectively communicate/get along with others, she needs constant reminders, cannot manage money at all, cannot dress appropriately, cannot cook safely....and she is currently getting SSI.

As was stated previously by a different commenter, DH seems to best be able to "step up to the plate" when it's an urgent situation....like when I have a flat tire, or when my mom needs someone to help (but I have to work). I long for the way things used to be, when DH was the "leader" and would "step up to the plate" just because it's what a husband should do....but I suspect (although mostly I don't like to admit it) that those days are gone, never to be seen again...

I appreciate all the comments!