DD & DH

We have now set things up so that DD comes home every other weekend for a visit.  However, since I'm still working 2 jobs, I haven't been all that involved in the visits--it's been mostly DH.  DD had an exceptionally good visit two weeks ago, where she was like the kid that she was before the worst of this stupid stuff happened.  Both DH and I enjoyed the visit tremendously, and were hoping for more.

This week, however, I'm seeing/feeling things I don't know how to describe.  First off, when we were scheduling the visit, DD got angry with me when I wouldn't do things her way.  She hung up on me.  I imposed a consequence.  That was all normal and as good as can be expected.  But I think since DH had so much fun during the last visit, he's really jumping the gun with this one.  DD's consequence still has not been performed, I think DH has forgotten about it completely.  He consulted with me after we got her home for the visit and asked if I thought it would be ok if she had her friend over for a sleepover.  I said "we should wait and see how she does tonite and tomorrow morning before we decide."  To me that sounded like a "let's evaluate this together when we get to tomorrow."  But to DH it sounded like "if you think she's been good enough, go ahead."  So he decided it was ok.  And I'm pretty frustrated about that.  But maybe it was my fault for not communicating clearly what I was expecting.  I know that when my "gut" feeling is that I'm mad, and I can't put into words why that is, there's still probably a legitimate reason.

Then, Friday was payday for both DH and me.  It's the day when I give DH his "fun money" allowance for the week.  I normally get home from work at 6:45pm.  He had already called me on my drive home to see where I was and did I have his money?  But I had to stop at a place to pet-sit (it's kind of my intermittent 3rd job) for some people before I got home.  So....while I was still driving to the pet-sitting, he called again asking where I was.  And then after I had been there for 10 minutes, he called AGAIN.  Then, when I turned on to our road, DH apparently got both girls in the car and drove up the road to intercept me on the way so that he could get his stupid money as fast as possible.  I'm irritated about this, to say the least.

This was a remnant of one of our/my problems when DD was living at our house--DH is not a dad to her a lot of the time, he's like another kid.  He just wants to have fun as much as DD and he does not make being a parent or setting a good example a priority.  And she takes full advantage of it.  So it makes me angry with both of them, although I realize intellectually, DD is just doing what kids do: taking advantage of a lack of limits wherever she can find them.  There's no excuse for DH not to step up to the "dad" plate.  But then I fall into the "how much is he capable of, am I expecting too much with his mental health issues?"

On a better (for my sanity) note: The residential treatment center where DD is staying is going to petition to have her stay there past her 18th birthday.  This is a big relief to me, because they were really pressuring me to decide if she was going to come home or not and, while I don't think it's realistic to think that she's "better" enough to come home, I also don't want to be the meanie who basically (in DD's mind anyhow) says "we don't want you any more."  We've already had some set-to's on that issue, because DD now knows that if she cannot improve her behavior, there is a group home placement in her future, and she is hurt and angry about it.  So the fact that the RTC does not think she is ready to go anywhere is a big relief to me.  Maybe a miracle will happen and she will be able to turn things around to where we could make it work.  And if she can't, maybe we can procrastinate that decision to where there is less stress and drama in my life at the time (I know--how likely is that?)