Spenders Anonymous

Sometimes there's just so much to write about, I just can't type fast enough, you know?



Last Saturday morning, before I found out about all the gun-pawning and all, DH went to his first Spenders Anonymous meeting. I really wasn't sure he was going to, especially after his flat-out refusal the previous week, but he did get up and go, and he went without me. He called me when he got there.


Anyhow, I think he was impressed. He said that there were several people there that had problems similar to his--not necessarily bipolar, but blind, uncontrollable, overspending. He said it made him think. It also made him feel bad because of all the people he has "screwed over" in the last couple of years. (Apparently it didn't help him draw a parallel from his recent spending behavior to that of others, or even to his past behavior, but I suppose that comes later).


When he got home, he said, "I have a lot of thinking to do." And he seemed sincere in that he wants to go back. So that is hopeful, isn't it???


Anyhow, so the meetings are on Saturday mornings, and its about an hour's drive to get there. Tomorrow "afternoon" is supposed to bring us a foot of snow. So I am hoping with all my heart and soul that it is not snowing tomorrow when it comes time for him to go--it's so important, I just NEED to know that he is working on the spending issues, you know?
If you were to ask me, and if you can't tell from my posts here, the biggest problem affecting our marriage is not necessarily the bipolar illness, it's the overspending. It seems like he is never happy with what he has, not even for a day. And he has to find SOMETHING to buy all the time. And a lot of forgiveness is going to have to happen. Both in our marriage and between DH and his friends, and DH and our community, too. The bipolar is small beans compared to all the spending issues, so if he could get that REALLY under control, I know our marriage would undoubtedly be stronger....

Something happy brings new worries

DH got a job. Apparently he interviewed for this job before the worst of the bipolar showed up, they hired someone else, that person didn't work out, so DH got the call. He is very excited.

It's a type of work he's done in the past, so he's confident that he can do a good job. Me? I'm very excited in one way, as this job, if it works out, could double our income. And it's so nice to see DH looking so excited and acting confident again.

But I'm terrified for about a zillion "overprotective wife" reasons:
1) What if his memory problems cause issues at his job?
2) How is he going to be able to go to all of his appointments? The new job is an hour and a half away from home...
3) What if he just "can't handle" it, and ends up losing this job, too? Will that put him "over the edge"? Will it make his illness worse? Will he try to kill himself?
4) What if he starts spending again?
5) He still hasn't filled out the bankruptcy forms--how is DH having an income going to affect that? And they will probably garnish his wages (whoever gets there first, I imagine...)

In short, I'm worried that while this is something potentially wonderful, if it doesn't turn out as planned, it could be worse than DH never having gotten a job in the first place. I hope that's not the case, of course, but I always try to "plan for the worst, hope for the best."

He's still really down

Sometimes I just feel so defeated. I know that the choice(s) he has made are his, and I shouldn't feel so upset about that, but I'm really worried that he is going to alienate everyone that cares about him, and he isn't going to have a clue what happened--like Jason, who seems to be "not quite as eager to hang out" as he once was....after DH basically spent him dry, and then joked about it...

Let's see....he's stolen from me, lied to me....mooched huge amounts of money from every person who has mentioned they have access to some....spent the money his mom gave him for filing bankruptcy--and it didn't get spent on bankruptcy-- lied about that....he pawned his brother's deer rifle, and today I found out that he did pawn his own $1300 deer rifle (the one that I urged him not to pawn) too. I have said before that him not having that gun isn't that big of a deal to me; if he doesn't have any guns, then he will have a harder time shooting himself....but I know he won't get it back, and also, his mom had told him that she wanted to use the gun for collateral for the bankruptcy money that doesn't exist any more, to assure that he would pay her back. I just think that once everyone really starts to realize what is up, things are going to hit the fan, and more people besides Jason are going to throw their hands up and say "I can't do this any more".

And when I try to say anything about that to DH, I am the "bad guy". The "meanie" who won't give him any money. Even though I have a credit card (rolling my eyes)....I just wish I knew how to handle this better. He is so sure that he is making good decisions. So sure, that he is absolutely offended that I would even consider the possibility that his decisions aren't the best ones. I absolutely hate watching him do this. And it's so hard to not be able to just say to him, "Look. Most people can survive without pop." No matter how I word it, it turns out that he just can't. (survive).

Tonight I feel like it's all so hopeless. I wish he'd just get so mad at me for not giving him money that he'd go and move in with his mom or his brother or someone....I don't want a divorce, not really....I just want him to go away and be someone else's problem for a few days.

Well, I found out

And he's right, I'm not happy.

Remember that five bucks I wouldn't give him?

Well, apparently he "needed" pop so bad, he pawned his brother's deer rifle.

And then he blamed me. "You've been getting so mad when I ask you for money, I just wanted to be able to buy my own pop for once." "And I was almost out of gas too." I have absolutely no idea where all that gas went that I bought three days ago went. I don't go through that much gas on all my commuting, even allowing that his car doesn't get as good of mileage as mine. I really wonder what on earth he did with all that gas.

But his brother's gun???? Isn't that stealing??? Again???? I didn't point that out to him, but I thought it, loud and clear.

I asked him how on earth he was going to get it back. First he said his brother wouldn't notice, then he said that Jim was going to give him money when he gets his taxes back (which is going to be three months from now, or somewhere along those lines....)

Then I tried to gently explain to DH that he "needs" a lot of things that most people can live without. Of course everything I said, he had an excuse for, and I am a big meanie. Because I am the one who gets so mad. I really really really wanted to say "maybe you should ask Jim about these differing points of view", but I knew it would be unfair to get Jim involved. Jim has never said anything directly to me about DH's spending, but sometimes when DH asks for money for stupid stuff, Jim catches my eye and I know he sees it for what it is....

Then in this sobby voice, DH says "I'm trying to look for a job..." and I had to bite my tongue in order to not say, "all you had to do was call the casino lady. You turned that down. And you haven't exactly been pounding the pavement, either." In the last two weeks he has applied for exactly three jobs. One of them he for sure didn't get. One was the casino job that he didn't want. And one was supposed to call him today to let him know, but they didn't call back. He was so sure that he had that one, that he had already spent his entire first paycheck in his mind. And that's the extent of the job search. I didn't say anything, because I am sure that in his mind, he has been working super-hard to find a job and I'm just not being understanding enough.

So ultimately, DH is suicidal again, because I am mad about the spending, and I am mean and selfish.

I made him promise not to hurt himself. He really didn't want to promise that, but he did. I will call back in about 15 minutes for an update. (just to ease my mind).

I am finding, that I am falling into his guilt trip thing a lot less than I used to. My expectations are reasonable, I am pretty sure. If you are reading this, and you think I am not being reasonable, please comment or email me, because maybe I haven't considered everything, or maybe I'm being more selfish than I realize....but I don't think I am.

The suspense is killing me.

DH just called, he sounded really down. So I said, "What's wrong?" "Nothing."

"Did therapy go ok?" "Well, it was a little troubling".

"What happened?" "I'll tell you later when I'm alone."

"Is there anything else wrong?" "Not really."

"Not really???" "Well, there's something I need to tell you. You're not going to like it."

"What's going on?" "I'll tell you later when I'm alone." "It's nothing that directly affects you, and don't worry, I didn't steal anything from you." "But I'm afraid you're going to leave me."

But he wouldn't tell me what is going on. I hope it's just more drama and whatever it is, isn't that bad. I have no idea how worried I should be.

I'll keep you posted.

Scary economic stuff from the econ geek in me

The story below is one that I read couple of days ago, but the statements made in it, coming from mainstream media, make me want to share this with everyone, even though most people who know me just end up rolling their eyes and saying "Oh, there she goes again with all that financial mumbo-jumbo"....so if you're not interested in economic stuff, I'm very sorry!!!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21939337

New wave of mortgage failures could create a nightmare economic scenario
By JOE BEL BRUNO
AP Business Writer
The Associated Press

NEW YORK - When Domenico Colombo saw that his monthly mortgage payment was about to balloon by 30 percent, he had a clear picture of how bad it could get.
His payment was scheduled to surge by an extra $1,500 in December. With his daughter headed to college next fall and tuition to be paid, he feared ending up like so many neighbors in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., who defaulted on their mortgages and whose homes are now in foreclosure and sporting "For Sale" signs.

Colombo did manage to renegotiate a new fixed interest rate loan with his bank, and now believes he'll be OK _ but the future is less certain for the rest of us.

In the months ahead, millions of other adjustable-rate mortgages like Colombo's will reset, giving them a higher interest rate as required by the loan agreements and leaving many homeowners unable to make their payments. Soaring mortgage default rates this year already have shaken major financial institutions and the fallout from more of them, some experts say, could spread from those already battered banks into the general economy.

The worst-case scenario is anyone's guess, but some believe it could become very bad.
"We haven't faced a downturn like this since the Depression," said Bill Gross, chief investment officer of PIMCO, the world's biggest bond fund. He's not suggesting anything like those terrible times _ but, as an expert on the global credit crisis, he speaks with authority.

"Its effect on consumption, its effect on future lending attitudes, could bring us close to the zero line in terms of economic growth," he said. "It does keep me up at night."

Some 2 million homeowners hold $600 billion of subprime adjustable-rate mortgage loans, known as ARMs, that are due to reset at higher amounts during the next eight months. Subprime loans are those made to people with poor credit. Not all these mortgages are in trouble, but homeowners who default or fall behind on payments could cause an economic shock of a type never seen before.

Some of the nation's leading economic minds lay out a scenario that is frightening. Not only would the next wave of the mortgage crisis force people out of their homes, it might also spiral throughout the economy.

The already severe housing slump would be exacerbated by even more empty homes on the market, causing prices to plunge by up to 40 percent in once-hot real estate spots such as California, Nevada and Florida. Builders like Chicago's Neumann Homes, which filed for bankruptcy protection this month, could go under. The top 10 global banks, which repackage loans into exotic securities such as collateralized debt obligations, or CDOs, could suffer far greater write-offs than the $75 billion already taken this year.

Massive job losses would curtail consumer spending that makes up two-thirds of the economy. The Labor Department estimates almost 100,000 financial services jobs related to credit and lending in the U.S. have already been lost, from local bank loan officers to traders dealing in mortgage-backed securities. Thousands of Americans who work in the housing industry could find themselves on the dole. And there's no telling how that would affect car dealers, retailers and others dependent on consumer paychecks.

Based on historical models, zero growth in the U.S. gross domestic product would take the current unemployment rate to 6.4 percent. That would wipe out about 3 million jobs from the economy, according to the Washington-based Economic Policy Institute.
By comparison, in the last big downturn between 2001-03 some 2 million jobs were lost, according to the Labor Department. The dot-com bust early this decade decimated the technology sector, while the Sept. 11, 2001, terror attacks hurt the transportation and allied industries. Economists said the country was officially in recession from March to November of 2001, but the aftermath stretched to 2003.

There is increasing evidence that another downturn has begun.
Borrowers who took out loans in the first six months of this year are already falling behind on their payments faster than those who took out loans in 2006, according to a report from Arlington, Va.-based investment bank Friedman, Billings Ramsey. That's making it even harder for would-be buyers to get new mortgages _ a frightening prospect for home builders with projects going begging on the market, and for homeowners desperate to unload property to avoid defaulting on their loans.

Meanwhile, the number of U.S. homes in foreclosure is expected to keep soaring after more than doubling during the third quarter from a year earlier, to 446,726 homes nationwide, according to Irvine, Calif.-based RealtyTrac Inc. That's one foreclosure filing for every 196 households in the nation, a 34 percent jump from just three months earlier.

Such data suggests more Americans could lose their homes than ever before, and those in peril are people who never thought they'd welsh on a mortgage payment. They come from a broad swath _ teachers, pharmacists, and civil servants who were lured by enticing mortgage terms.
Some homebuyers gambled on interest-only loans. The mortgages, which allowed buyers to pay just interest at a low rate for two years, were too good to pass up. But with that initial term now expiring, many homeowners find they can't make the payments. The hopes that went along with those mortgages _ that they'd be able to refinance because the equity in their homes would appreciate _ have been dashed as home prices skidded across the country.

"It's been said a lot of people have been using their homes as ATM machines," said Thomas Lawler, a former official at mortgage lender Fannie Mae who is now a private housing and finance consultant. "The risk has a lot of tentacles."

This example illustrates the distress many homeowners are in or will find themselves in: A subprime adjustable-rate mortgage on a $400,000 home could have payments of about $2,200 a month, with borrowers paying 6.5 percent, interest only. When the teaser period expires, that payment becomes $4,000, with the homeowner paying 12 percent and now having to come up with principal as well as interest.

Minneapolis resident Chad Raskovich found himself in a such a situation. He hoped _ it turned out, in vain _ to gain more equity in his home and that a strong record of payments would enable him to secure a better loan later on.

"It's not just me, it's a lot of people I know. The housing market in the Twin Cities has dramatically changed for the worse in the years since I purchased my home. Now we're just looking for a solution," he said.

Colombo, who lives in the planned community of Weston just outside Ft. Lauderdale, said the reset on his home would have "destroyed' his financial situation. He went to Mortgage Repair Center, one of hundreds of debt counselors trying to bail out desperate homeowners, to work with his lender.

"But many people in my neighborhood didn't get help, and some have literally just walked away from their homes," said Colombo. "There are over 133,000 homes on the market in Broward-Miami-Dade counties, and some of them were actually abandoned. People in this situation don't like to talk about it, and end up getting hurt because they don't."

Many Americans are unaware that a borrower defaulting on a loan can have an impact on everyone else's well-being and that of the nation. After all, the amount of mortgages due to reset is just a fraction of the United States' $14 trillion economy.

But the series of plunges that Wall Street has suffered in past months prove that no one is immune when mortgages turn sour.

Today's financial system is interconnected: Mortgages are sold to investment firms, which then slice them up and package them as securities based on risk. Then hedge and pension funds buy up such investments.

When home prices kept rising, these were lucrative assets to own. But the ongoing collapse in housing prices has set off a chain reaction: Lenders are tightening their standards, borrowers are having a harder time refinancing loans and the securities that underpin them are in jeopardy.

This has resulted in more than $500 billion of potentially worthless paper on the balance sheets of the biggest global banks _ losses that could spill into the huge pension and mutual funds that also invest in these securities and that the average worker or investor expects to depend on.
There's more pain left for Wall Street: "We're nowhere close to the end of the collapse," said Mark Patterson, chairman and co-founder of MatlinPatterson Global Advisors, a hedge fund that specializes in distressed funds.

"I just assumed banks could stomach these kind of losses," said Wendy Talbot, an advertising executive when asked about the subprime crisis outside of a Charles Schwab branch in New York. "I guess you don't really pay attention to things until your forced to. ... You put out of your mind the worst things that can happen."

The subprime wreckage could dwarf the nation's last big banking crisis _ the failure of more than 1,000 savings and loans in the 1980s. The biggest difference is that problems with S&Ls were largely contained, and the government was able to rescue them through a $125 billion bailout.

But this situation is far more widespread, which some experts say makes it more difficult to rein in.

"What really makes this a doomsday scenario is where would you even start with a bailout?" housing consultant Lawler asked.

Sen. Charles Schumer, D-N.Y., a key member of Senate finance and banking committees, said borrowers are the ones who need relief. The playbook to bail out the economy would not be applied to the banks and mortgage originators, but money could be funneled through non-profit organizations to homeowners that need help, he said in an interview with The Associated Press.
"There is a worst-case scenario because housing is the linchpin of our economy, and more foreclosures make prices go down, that creates more foreclosures, and creates a vicious cycle," Schumer said. "You add that to the other weakness in the economy _ on one end is the home sector and the other is the financial sector _ and it could create a real problem."

He also believes Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke should do more to help the economy. Bernanke said in recent comments he has no direct plans to bail out the mortgage industry, but to instead offer relief through cheap interest rates and further liquidity injections into the banking system.

There's also been talk of letting government-backed lenders like Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac buy mortgages of as much as $1 million from lenders, pay the government a fee for guaranteeing them and then turn them into securities to be sold to investors. This would extend the government's support, and its exposure, to the mortgage market to help alleviate stress.
Either way, the impact of a fresh round of subprime losses remains of paramount concern to economists _ especially since there's little certainty about how it would ripple through the U.S. economy.

"We all know that more hits from these subprime loans are coming, but are having a devil of a time figuring out how it will happen or how to stop it," said Lawler, who was once chief economist for Fannie Mae.

"We've never been in this situation before."
Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

Giant Money-Sucking Machine!

I just re-read the post about me charging $137 at the convenience store...I forgot to add that DD's bio mom had asked DH to haul a TV for her, so I also gave DH the $20 in cash that I had in my pocket, so he could put gas in his truck (he has a car and a truck, because the truck really uses a lot of gas--and yes, I pay the insurance for both, plus my own car)--so Friday I gassed up his car, then Saturday I gave him $20 to gas up his truck....do you know...last night, DH was grabbing a can of pop out of one of his 12-packs that he had gotten that night, and he says "Oh. I've only got three cans left." I said, "YOU DRANK TWO ENTIRE TWELVE PACKS IN TWO DAYS?????" and he said "no, it was three days." Then he did the math and said "well, Jim had one can, I think....."

Then he looked at me and in the context of this same conversation, said (with three cans still available, along with two 2-liter bottles left over from Thanksgiving), "do you have five bucks? I'm going to need it for pop for tomorrow."

I thought he was kidding. It was so absurd, I honestly thought he was kidding. How on earth could he be serious???? But he was. He acted like I don't love him at all, when I said "NO!". I told him to take one of the 2-liters to therapy if he needed pop that bad. He said, "I can't go into therapy with a big bottle!", so then I said, "Well, maybe you should save your three cans until tomorrow then...?" He didn't answer and just did that "never mind" thing, you know, the one that makes a person feel guilty....?

I thought that was it. But then this morning when he was getting ready for therapy, once again, he said, "Can I have five bucks?" I got irritated and snapped at him "No!!! I don't have five bucks!!! I have given you all the money I had." And he got offended again and left.

Luxuries...and Carol makes some bad choices

Hi, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

What I did was brought all the food and such over to my mom's apartment and cooked it there, then I went over to the nursing home and wheeled her over for dinner. DH and Jim came too. It was a really nice day. I hope yours was spent with people you care about, too.

The day after Thanksgiving, that was another story. The cell phones got shut off because I hadn't paid the bill. In the grand scheme of my impossible budget, "cell phones" are the last bill that gets paid, and apparently during the last two months that bill did not get paid at all. Ok, I was the one who was supposed to pay that (who else?), but like I said, there is usually only a finite supply of money, and the cell phones were on the short end.

Realistically, in a normal family, cell phones are a huge LUXURY. People did without them for many years and I was one of those. I would not much miss my cell phone, for the most part. But our family isn't normal for a few reasons. The most important one is DH's fragile mental health. If he is suicidal, or otherwise having some kind of crisis, I feel that it is very important for me to be able to get a hold of him, no matter what. In fact, we even have a deal with each other, made in the therapist's office, that if I call DH's cell phone in a crisis, and am unable to reach him for 10 minutes, I am to call the police. I've only come close to doing that once since we've had the agreement, but it sure gives me peace of mind.

Another reason the cell phones are important is that I work 90 miles away from home, and a lot of my drive is rural and desolate. I feel like I am safer when I have a cell phone.

And lastly, DD has some behavior issues. On occasion, her behavior at school has escalated to her being out of control, and the school has called for advice.

Now granted, I think that for the most part, if we really had to, we could all live without the cell phones. It's not like we really use them all that much. I'm not a tech junkie or anything--the cell phones we have were bought "used" and are probably considered "obsolete" by any cell phone provider, but they do what we need them to do. So anyhow, I held off on paying the cell phone bill and the cell phones got shut off. My fault totally.

But it did really bother me, not having them, so I decided to do something that ultimately makes matters worse (I've been mentally kicking myself for this, but there's no paycheck in sight that could've paid the bill): I dug out a credit card that I hadn't used for over 2 years and used it to pay the bill. In the process of "digging out" the card, though, I made the mistake of telling DH what I was looking for, and that I couldn't remember where I had put the card. He said something like "If I find the card, will you take us out to eat?" and I was feeling kind of desperate, so I said "sure". So he told me where to look for the card and he was right.

So we (DH, Jim, and I) went out to eat. On the way back, DH asked me if there was any way I could "top off' his gas tank on his car, and buy him some cigarettes. I asked him how empty his tank was, and he said he had almost 3/4 of a tank, which meant that "topping it off" would probably cost about $10.00.
So we went to the gas station. I was going to buy DH and Jim each a pack of cigs. Then DH ordered a CARTON for each of them, and grabbed 2 12-packs of pop for each of them and said, in front of the checkout people, "You don't mind, do you?" The total, when it was all said and done? $137.00. At a convenience store!!!! And of course I did mind. Very much. I made up my mind then and there that I would do it for him this time, but never ever again. I was so angry. I said something to him like "You are really high-maintenance, you know that?" and that upset him. He got that cold sound in his voice and told me to "never talk to him like that again, it embarrassed him."

I determined, but didn't share with him, that based on the fact that I married him forever, it's probably fair for me to be expected to keep a roof over his head, make sure he has some food, and make sure there is some kind of heat. Beyond that, not my problem, right???? Beyond that, it's all luxuries. I am aware that there is a possibility that he could steal from me again, in an effort to have his "needs" met, but you know, sometimes I just wish he would decide I'm that "bully" that he always says I am, and that he no longer wants to live with me.....fat chance, I know, but that's how I feel pretty often....not very Christian of me, and certainly not very wifely either....