Thursday, September 11, 2008

Should I be this excited?

Lately it seems like my posts have been much more optimistic, hopeful, and accepting of DH and his illness than they used to be. (The thing that just popped into my brain is, "am I complaining about being hopeful?" LOL--I hope not)

But here's the thing: There have been a lot of "positives" lately. Between my brother helping out by paying off that loan, and DH paying off his debts with his own money, we have not received any phone calls from the school yet regarding DD's behavior, and it's all peachy, right?

Actually, it's such a nice feeling to know that MAYBE there won't be a crisis today, that I had to stop to realize that I've had time to be stressed out by other things(!)

It would seem, that with things being more stable, that I would have more time to spend with my mom. But somehow, I work so much, that I always feel like she gets the short end of the stick. She needs (wants) me to go and get her something from the store every single day. Sometimes I don't have time. And she is disappointed, because she's kind of in a more childlike way of thinking now--she knows I work a lot, and she also knows that DH has had some problems, but that all kind of goes by the wayside if I fail to pick up the air freshener before I go to work. She never has a list, it's always two or three things today, one thing tomorrow, and two more things the next day. I know, as I'm writing this, that I'm being set up--that there is no reasonable way for me to excel at this situation, but I try, I really do. I hate letting my mom down. And sometimes I'm so busy running to the store for her, that we don't have quality time. No time to chat, no time to sit around. And I hate that, too. I just do my best. A couple of times I tried to suggest that we just do the shopping one day a week, but she always had something that "couldn't wait" that I had to go get today. I have told my brother that I believe that it's her way of making sure I pay attention to her, and gives her a feeling of control, too. Sometimes I wish it was a little less, though.

And there's still DH, too. He told me today that he "hasn't felt depressed in a LONG time." He was pretty proud of it. He's still not working. I still haven't called the job service guy, every time I think of it, it's past closing time for them (that happens to me a lot, since I work nights, when my brain finally gets in gear, it's too late for normal people. But that is my intention, it seems I just take a while for everything to get moving in the right direction.

Aside from the jobs thing, though, DH has basically not done a darn thing for the last two weeks. He says he isn't depressed, but it looks like I'm going to have to cut the grass (a 6 hour job) this weekend or we will be taken over by the "jungle of yardland"... sigh. On the last day off I had, I folded a bunch of laundry and it is still sitting on the dining room table. The rest of the laundry has not been touched. DD will do her "chores", like bring down the garbage, if she is policed into it, but if I'm not there, that gets forgotten, too.

As I've been writing this, I've decided that I'm just noticing these stressors because they are farther down on my "what stresses Carol out" list. I haven't noticed them before (much anyhow), because I've been paying attention to the "how do I manage to pay the bills" and "DH is having another crisis" or "DD had a meltdown in school today" or "Mom broke her hip" stressors. And now that those are starting, just starting to settle down, I guess I'm seeing other stuff. So my complaining isn't over yet!!! (I'm fairly sure you weren't worried about it, LOL)


Anonymous said...

I'm glad that things are going a little easer for you. Maybe if DD
can do a littl more chores to help out & maybe have DH try to do a little more, since he is feeling better. I no it is very dificult but just maybe one more chore to get him going more.
Any way GOOD LUCK & my prayers are with you & your family...
Also I konw my father can make me crazy to . Hang in there.

perphila said...

Two thoughts. Even if DH says he isn't feeling depressed couldn't that be a matter of degree? I mean if he wenr from feeling completely awful to just awful then that alone would feel like a huge relief. What would make the rest of us say we had a bad day or felt bummed out could be where he's at. I have had days where I wasn't really feeling "bad' but just down enough to not have ambition to do anything but watch tv or something.
Second thought. My mom was saying something the other day about her sister you said about your mom. She was just so stressed out having to go to the store almost every day because my aunt wanted cookies or something. My aunt is in a nursing home and my mom feels responsible for her. I told my mom that is was ok to say no sometimes. She isn't responsible for how her sister reacts. I told her about aking for a list and going once a month. Then she could still go for her visit every week as well. She feels so responsible I doubt she will do it though. The bottom line though is she has to take care of herself first or she won't be able to be there for her siblings. Take care of youself too..:)

Immi said...

Here's somethign that helped me get back to regular life more after I was extraordinarily ill. For months after I was hospitalized, trying to live through the day was all I could focus on at all. As I started feeling better, first I got to the "oh I feel better but can't do anything or the feeling will vanish" stage. That's kind of hard to get past, but it can be gotten past. My mother helped me get past that by asking me to do one chore. If I didn't do it, she would ask me, "I see you weren't up to _______ today. Did you feel overwhelmed today? Are you ok?" instead of bitching. She was really concerned more about whether I was ok than the chore, and that eventually helped make it safe for me to do what I could with the chore without either undoing myself or stressing overly if I couldn't. One thing led to two and so on, and now I'm hugely more useful around the house, and working again. It would have undone me to have a bunch of stuff thrown at me at once, though. Actually it did a couple of times. LOL So we tried this. Slow process, but maybe something like that would help? Just a thought.