Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Lower your expectations....

Well, first of all, what I decided to do about the bad check thing was this: I told DH that I would pay it for him, on the condition that he finishes filling out the bankruptcy forms completely. He seemed ok with this, and I felt that it was more than fair. He has until Tuesday to pay it before the warrant is issued, so we'll see what he actually does....I really very much don't want him to go to jail, but sometimes it's so hard to separate his bipolar behavior from his DH behavior, and I just wish there was some way I could get him to see things the way I do...I know though, that if he could see things like I do, then I guess he wouldn't be bipolar (or I would, LOL)!

The second thing is, I took DD to her therapist today, her therapist is aware of what is going on with DH. I like DD's therapist a lot. She asked me how I was doing (when DD was out of the room) and I kind of vented a little to her. And then she told me that the best advice she ever got was some advice given to her in regard to her own special needs adopted kids, the person told her simply to "lower your expectations". "If you lower your expectations, you won't end up disappointed."

And I know that's exactly what I need to do. It feels good even thinking about it. I know I will still be struggling with those times when my "normal" DH shows up and I start revising my expectations as if he was my "normal" husband again. I will need to remember that things seem to go up and down, and I should let myself be pleasantly surprised by the positive things he does, and not let myself start expecting those (like feeding the dogs, or getting out of bed).

For several months of all this, I had to tell myself, "I am a single mom". And that way, I just kind of mentally got rid of all my expectations towards DH. Then, when he started to make some progress, I think I was a little too quick to conclude that "things" were back to normal. He started to do things like laundry. So I stopped doing laundry, because that was always "his" job when he was well. Then, when I come home and see that he hasn't touched the laundry, in fact all he's done is lay in bed all day, I get upset. I need to stop expecting right now. It feels kind of like things are "in control."


Pann said...

Lowering your expectations is a good thing.

I've played the "pretend I am a single mom" game a few times, and then it eased my disappointment issues.