Procrastination

Well, I wanted to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I sat with tears streaming down my face, being so grateful to all of you....really.

And I know that everything you all said was very true. It's very confusing for me, because if it weren't for the mental illness, I would have made my decisions long ago. But the mental illness clouds my thoughts, as if DH had cancer, or even if he had a stroke or something, I could not imagine leaving him....

There is a lady that I work with at my full time job. She's in her mid-50's, and two years ago, her husband had a stroke. He's recovered fairly well physically, but she says, "He's not the same person I married. He's a lot more angry. His personality changed. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it." I have not told her about DH, because I don't like to share my personal life with my coworkers much. But I can so much relate to her.

And then there's the fact that he was "normal" when I met him. He was "normal" for years after I met him, years after we married. And there's that stubborn, stupid little part of me that says "well, it's not like a stroke, he was normal once, we can get him normal again." And despite the fact that I am getting sucked into this abyss, I don't want to stop trying.

I've found myself being more direct with him. Yesterday I told him that I was angry because there was so much to do around the house and I didn't have the time or the ability to get it all done. I didn't point fingers any more than that....just called his attention to the fact that I am angry. I'm angry about a lot more things than just the condition of the house, but it would not benefit me to bring those things up right now.

Most of the time, I've been pondering the things that you all said, and imagining me sitting down with him and just saying, "Look. I'm afraid that if you aren't able to pull a little weight around here, that our marriage is going to be destroyed. So I'm telling you, in case you have any control over this stuff, so that you might have a chance to change that." I would be comfortable having this conversation with my DH, as long as "That Guy" was gone for the day. I still need to muster up some nerve, though, for sure.

Numb.

I don't know what to do. It's very alarming, on one level, but on other levels, it's not surprising at all....but I never in a thousand years, ever imagined that I would feel this way.

I feel numb. About DH. I really just don't care right now, and I'm very shocked.

I don't care if he takes his stupid meds on time, I don't care if he gets out of bed, I don't care if I have to do 8 loads of laundry all by myself even though he was home all day....and I don't care if he's out of pop or cigs or if his back hurts.

He told me he loved me today, and I thought to myself, "yeah, that's nice".

And there's a little voice inside me making snide comments every time DH says anything. I just don't feel much of anything....disgust, and then nothing. Is this why marriages end? I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to talk to him. All he thinks about is DH all the time anyhow.

Tonite he's angry again because his mom is at the casino and didn't invite him, although he (according to DH) had been looking forward to it all day. Big whoop. I'm working.

And he's angry with Kirby again, too. I know I've got to find a solution for Kirby. But I also know that he isn't doing it on purpose, he just needs to go out virtually every time you can think of it. I don't think he has more than a month or two, at most...but I don't think it's time yet....maybe....? And DH doesn't get it and gets mad. As long as he doesn't physically do anything to the animals (and he never has ever...) I don't care if he's mad. Too bad for him.

Numb, I tell you.

I keep thinking that he needs to go to his mom's for a while. But I'm afraid that he'll become suicidal if I ask him to. I'm also fantasizing about going and staying in a motel for the next couple of days, but it couldn't be too far away, because I've got to make sure the animals get taken care of.

I just want a different life. Same pets, different husband, different house, etc...

Our trip to McDonald's

Today I had to go to the bank (which is an hour away), so I asked my mom if she wanted to ride along--of course she did!! I guess I was kind of mean, because it was DH's birthday, and he wanted to go too, but I knew his only reason for wanting to go was to go out to eat (because he knew my mom would want to) and I wanted some quality time with my mom, so I said no and that I'd take him someplace when I got home. He wasn't too happy, but I made him a cheesecake earlier, gave him a card, and a $20 gift card for the store in town....so it's not like I totally forgot about him...or maybe I was a jerk. Mostly I'm not caring lately. More on that later, I guess...

But my mom was having a really good day, memory-wise....when I got to her apartment, she already had her shoes on and also her hoodie (although it wasn't zipped--she lost the ability to zip things a couple of years ago), all ready to go. She told me "I've already gone to the bathroom, too!" I was thrilled. Usually when we are going someplace, I have to plan on about 1/2 hr to 45 mins to get ready. We usually get the shoes on, then a jacket, don't forget the sunglasses, and then she needs to go to the bathroom....this was quite momentous!! I don't think she's been that "ready to go" in at least a year.

Then I started to get a little worried, because it seems like the exceptionally good days are followed by exceptionally bad days, but what can I do about that? I decided to just take the day as a blessing.

There is a small town nearby, where, to the angst of the citizens, a strip bar has opened up. And my mom NEVER forgets it. "Is that the town with the strip bar?" But what she said today just cracked me up, and it was further evidence of her having a "good" day.....

Mom: Is that the town with the strip bar?

Me: Yes, I think it is.

Mom: Do you think they're still in business?

Me: Well, I don't know much about it, but I haven't seen anything in the paper that they closed.

Mom: (as we drive through the small town, where the strip bar is at least 6 blocks away, on the other side of town from the highway)
I don't see any strippers.

Me: Well, they probably stay in the strip bar.

Mom: Well they should have some of them come out and show us what they do.

Me: (trying not to laugh) I'm not sure the police would like that.

Mom: Well they should!

I am laughing at the memory of this conversation. My mom is and was a very old-fashioned lady, very modest. I cannot believe we had this conversation!!!

Anyhow, we proceeded on our way and stopped at McDonald's, which is my mom's absolutely favorite place to eat. She had a double cheeseburger, medium fries and a hot mocha drink and she ate it all, with gusto!!! And then she said that she wished there was a McDonald's in her assisted living facility because that place (her assisted living place) doesn't know how to make a hamburger.

I love my mom so much.

Tomorrow's Mother's day. As I said, I'm going to her place and making "brunch". She did not forget that, either. She asked me "what time are you going to be by to cook for me?" I couldn't believe that she remembered that I was going to do that....it was a very good day!

"That Guy" is mad at my dog.

I'm really torn up about this. My dog Kirby is 16 years old. I've had him since he was 6 weeks old. And he's not a little dog, for sure, so he's pretty elderly. He's very deaf. I've known for over a year now that he has kidney failure, and the last time we went to the vet, I learned that he probably has some kind of cancer, too. But I elected not to do any procedures to find out for sure, because I knew there wouldn't be any treatment....at age 16, even if I had the money, it's probably not realistic to put hundreds of dollars into a dog who's already older than most....

Anyhow, due to his kidney failure, Kirby has been drinking more and more water. And experiencing the consequences of that. In the last couple of months, it has been that he needs to go out every two to three hours, or he just can't "hold it". And, since I'm working a lot, and DH is not dependable, he often does not get out when he needs to go. Luckily, he (Kirby) seemed to have some understanding regarding this, as he would go into the laundry room and pee on the floor in there. So it wasn't too big of a deal....sad, and frustrating, but I will put up with a lot from someone I love, if I know they can't help it....

Anyhow, today, DH called me and told me that last night Kirby didn't make it into the laundry room several times. DH was very angry. I felt like he was angry with me, too, for having a dog that would do that. He told me it "ruined his whole day". The DH I married would not think like that, for sure. I felt bad. But not about DH. Too bad for him. Deal with a little stress once in a while. But for me, my impending loss, and my dog.

I know what's coming. Every morning when I come home from work and Kirby is sleeping, I hope and pray that he's died in his sleep, so I don't have to decide when it's his time. He still wags his tail, still begs for treats. Still walks to the mailbox with me on his good days.

But he's pretty skinny now, and on some of his "bad" days his back end kind of sways, he's pretty weak.

I won't put him down just because DH is angry, not at all. But it all just makes me think about it more, and I know there isn't much time left. Kirby has been my friend for ages, my very best friend for a lot of those years. I'm getting a lump in my throat just telling you about him. And DH being angry about him does not help one bit.

My plan for Mother's day...

Well, Mother's Day is on Sunday, and even if I had money, it is very difficult to find any kind of present for my mom. Basically, either clothing or blankets....seeing as how she doesn't read, doesn't really understand movies or TV, can't work the remote control....doesn't play games and only listens to music on the radio. She does really like to go to the casino, but the only way I could bring her there would be if she paid for it, and then the Mother's Day thing is kind of lost.

A couple of restaurants in town are having special Mother's Day brunches on Sunday. But once again, I don't have the money for that.

So here's what I'm doing. I'm going to buy some eggs, sausage, bacon, and Bisquick. And I'm going to bring the griddle over to her place. And we (don't know if DH or DD will go, but for sure me and my mom) will have our own little Mother's Day Brunch, all you can eat :-)

For under $10.

No gift to open, no card that she can't read anyhow, but some time and good food. And she doesn't have to get stressed out about going anywhere, either.

Alzheimer's HBO Series

Hi everyone, I know this blog is mostly to do with bipolar, but, as most of you know, my mom has Alzheimer's, and it is heartbreaking. Anyhow, on Sunday, May 10, HBO is going to begin airing a documentary series on Alzheimer's. This is a big deal. It is also my understanding that some cable networks will allow access to the programs even if you don't subscribe to HBO. You will also be able to stream the programs or get them via NetFlix.

Here's a link where you can get more information. There are a lot of other Alzheimer's resources there, too.

The Alzheimer's Project

My hope is that if any of you have loved ones who are living with Alzheimer's, that you will find this information helpful. I am very anxious to see it, probably won't be able to until later next week, unfortunately....but....better late than never, right? I am expecting to learn a lot.

Happy Birthday to DH

Tomorrow is DH's birthday, he'll be 37 (yup, I'm older than him...)

Anyhow, I was browsing in the card shop--I really don't have money to buy him a present, but I thought maybe I'd get him a card...

I found a card. Here is what it says (honest!):

"Another birthday? Time to take the OLD GUY oath:
Raise your right hand and repeat the following:

I, (your name here), being of questionable mind and aging body, do solemnly declare myself an "OLD GUY" and am hereby officially permitted to:

Scratch my butt in public, drive forever with my left blinker on, pass gas on a crowded elevator, mumble incoherently to myself, snore like a chainsaw, wear hats, call all teenagers "stupid, little punks", constantly kvetch about my lower back, and fall asleep with absolutely no warning.

Signed (your name)"

Now you might be thinking, "ok, it's really a pretty stupid card". But in reality, with the exception of one or two of them, DH does them on a regular basis :-)
It really made me laugh. The DH I married would see the humor in it. "That Guy" would be hugely offended. Since I'm not sure which guy will be there for the birthday, I'm not sure if I'll give it to him or not....

But I had to share!

What do you think about Lithium in drinking water?

My attention was brought to this article from the BBC:

(Paraphrased) "A Japanese study suggests that the element Lithium in drinking water may reduce the risk of suicide". Hmmmm!!!

To me, that opens up all kinds of "what if"'s. I'm not sure what I think about it. On the one hand, suicide is bad, and although prior to DH being sick, I never understood how it could be a chemical "imbalance", I do now. It would be nice to find a way or ways to prevent more suicides, for sure.

But what about people already on Lithium?

And what about people who react badly to Lithium?

And shouldn't people be allowed to choose what they put into their bodies?

On the other OTHER hand, we've had fluoride added to drinking water for ages, and it seems to be an accepted fact of life now, for people who live in cities or towns. So what is different?

I'm truly not sure how I feel about this, but thought I'd bring it to all of yours' attention(s)!

Here's the link for you:

Click here for Lithium story