Who's the child, anyhow?

Today I took DD to get a haircut. It's about 30 miles away, so it gave us some much-needed mom-daughter time along the way. I commented on how much she's been helping around the house lately--she takes the garbage down every week, she's been taking care of the ducks and chickens when I'm short on time, and she's been scooping the litter boxes when I ask her to, without an argument! And she doesn't even grumble when I ask her to put her clean laundry away.

I told her that sometimes I don't see her to say thanks, but that I really appreciated all her help. The grin on her face was priceless, I'm glad I didn't just assume that she knew I appreciated her!

And DH had mentioned that he had borrowed $10 from DD (from her Christmas money) for gas to drive to his brother's house to deliver a table. His brother reimbursed him and paid for the gas back home, so that he could pay DD back right away, thank goodness. He also told me that DD had wanted to go into town to spend some of her Christmas money, but DH didn't have enough gas to get back home, so she GAVE him $5 of her Christmas money for gas. This shocked me and proved to me that she is growing up, because her disabilities make her rather self-centered, and she has never done things like that before. I was initially very proud of her.

So I told her that DH had told me that she lent him the $10, and that she had given him the $5 and here is what she said: "Oh--and I bought the hamburger buns for supper, and I bought him a frozen pizza and an ice cream cone, too, because he didn't have any money." First off, DH didn't mention that stuff. Part of his reasoning was probably that I GAVE him $1.25 to buy the hamburger buns with, so I have no idea what happened to that money!!! But he "neglected" to tell me about the pizza and the ice cream, too.

The thoughts that went through my mind were sad. DD only had $25 in Christmas money, she got it from my uncle. She spent a good deal of it on DH. That makes me sad, because the money was for her, not for him. And I'm sad because I imagine she didn't just walk up to him and say, "Hey, Dad, you want me to buy you a pizza?" In other words, the fact that he is asking her for money makes me tremendously sad and I'm not sure how to handle that. I'm proud that she wants to share and help. But she shouldn't have to. And I don't know what to tell her about the situation, it's so "not right".

Oh Dear

Well, I did it.

And the results are terrifying.

I tried to make a budget.

I used the budget form on www.livingonadime.com, it's very convenient and simple.
Too simple. It appears that, if I figure in DH's loans for the Truck and ATV, and I pay the expected amount on each bill and have normal paychecks with no overtime, well, there is a $962/month shortfall. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?????

And that's not even counting incidentals like haircuts or car repairs.

Things have been getting paid on time, as I have been working more hours lately, but you and I both know that I can't count on that...my company is big on outsourcing work to India, so who knows if I'll even have a job in a few months, let alone overtime!

I liked my budget a lot better before I looked at it.

It is pretty clear that unless some drastic changes get made, the bank(s) will make some drastic changes for me. I printed off the budget, and I am going to try to show it to DH when "That Guy" isn't around, and see if it'll convince him to get a job at McDonalds or something. If he doesn't get a job somewhere soon, I am going to have to start slashing things like car insurance on his car that's paid off, TV (we get very basic satellite because there is no regular TV coverage where we live), food, etc. Seeing it in writing really makes me scared. I don't know how I've been doing this for so long!!!!

Last Saturday Spenders Anonymous

I don't really know where to start. Remember "Chuck Wagon"? Well he (and his alter ego, too, LOL) is really getting on my nerves!!!!

Thursday night (Dec 27), DH stayed up all night playing that Sims game. He did not do anything else at all. He stayed up until 10am Friday morning, then went to bed. At 9pm Friday night, I warned him that he had Spenders Anonymous on Saturday and he should probably take his pills and get to bed at a decent time. Of course he said "Yeah, I know". And then he stayed up until 4am playing the Sims game again.

At 9:30am I woke him up for Spenders, he made a whole bunch of stupid excuses, like "the holidays are so hectic, lets wait until after New Years" and "I don't have enough gas" (countered that one with "I filled up my car so you could go to Spenders")....so he sat up and then fell asleep again. So I woke him up again. And he got so mad at me!!! This was very out of character for him, of course it was "That Guy" again....he got up, put his clothes on without speaking to me, slammed the bedroom door, slammed the front door, got in his car and left. I was upset, but just happy he was going to Spenders. But he came back a half hour later, because he had left in his own car and didn't have the gas to get there. He apologized to me, and told me I didn't deserve that kind of treatment, then he told me that the main reason he came back was that he was convinced that I was going to put a virus in his Sims game(???) (What the??!!)

I went to work on Saturday night, and I worked from 10pm to 8am. When I got home, DH was still up. Playing Sims. And the animals hadn't been fed. And Kirby had apparently needed to go out, and nobody had time for that either (yeck). And everything was filthy. I got very disgusted, took care of the animals, and left. And didn't answer my cell phone at all until I could tell DH was starting to worry.

I went home and told him that I don't ask much of him at all lately. And it seems kind of unfair that he plays that game 24 hours a day and I am working both jobs, and coming home to have to clean up a mess, take care of the animals, and make sure DD and my mom have what they need...and DH said "You're right, it's more than "kind of unfair", it's very unfair, and I will try to do better." I was hopeful, but it took a couple more tantrums from me to get the point across again. He's been doing more now, but still not much.

And he's been depressed. He called me last night and told me he's "a waste of a life". And he was feeling suicidal again. But he wouldn't call anyone. It's been a long time since he's been this down. I think he has therapy on Monday, and there's Spenders tomorrow, too....he told me he would never pull "that stuff" again, and that he would keep going to Spenders, so I will wake him up again tomorrow....

An apology

Well, hi and Happy New Year to everyone, I hope you had some time to do whatever is important to you!

I wanted to apologize for not posting for so long. There's been a lot happening, and sometimes I forget that my purpose for this blog was to share these things with other people, in hopes that people wouldn't feel as alone as I have while I've been going through this. And then when things happen, I think to myself "I'm going to have to write about this on the blog" and then somehow I start thinking "If I don't talk about it, I won't have to think about it." It's easy to hope that if you ignore it, it'll go away, right?

But things don't go away, and nobody gets anything out of this blog, if I don't tell you stuff, so I apologize, and I will do better.

Pet peeve for the day

I went to the funeral for my friend Anita's husband yesterday. It wasn't a "regular" funeral, he was cremated, so there wasn't a "viewing", but they still had a lot of photos of him, and then they had a service there at the funeral home.

My thought for the day is this: (and please forgive me if I sound persnickety!)
I get back to work, and someone comes up to me: "Did you go to the funeral?" "How was it?"
Then I go to sit down at my desk and my boss comes over: "I see you went to the funeral, how was it?"
Uh...."it was fun"? "it was great"? "Well, a lot of people were wearing black clothes, so it really wasn't all that fashionable"....? I mean, it seems so obvious to me, it was sad, I wish none of us had to go, my friend cried a lot, they did funeral-type stuff, etc. There were prayers and hymns, too. Probably a more appropriate way to phrase your interest in the funeral might be "How did Anita seem?" Now that I can answer. She seemed to be doing well, considering. She has a lot of brothers and sisters and they have all rallied around her. She's got good support. She'll be ok. I have been praying for her, as have many people.

LOL, now that I've got that off my chest....

Happy Holidays, everyone!

I hope that you got everything you wanted for Christmas, if you celebrate in that way!!! I usually love Christmas, and I love traditions and creating new traditions, it's my favorite time of year, even if there were no presents!

First of all, I need to preface this with the fact that I gave DH $60 to use specifically for Christmas shopping. To the best of my knowledge, he spent nearly all of that, except for a CD for DD, on himself (pop and cigs, etc.) Later he asked me for more, but I didn't have it, and I didn't figure it would go towards its intended purpose anyhow.

I had a nice Christmas, for the most part, but DH didn't have a great start. He got up and watched DD open her gifts, and then he opened the ones I gave him, then he realized that the CD he had gotten for DD was missing, and he couldn't find it anywhere, and he couldn't remember where he had put it. That stressed him out.

Then, he went to give me my "coupons"--that was what I had asked for, "coupons" for me to have him do various things for me, like take the trash down, etc....he gave me some for my birthday a few months ago, and I just loved them!!! Anyhow, he also couldn't remember where he had put the coupons. When that happened, he looked so upset, I thought he was going to cry. The memory problems are really cropping up lately, and they're really bothering him a lot.
:-(

I told him that was ok, he could just give them to me later....but I still don't have them....the presents I got were: a jigsaw puzzle from DD, hand lotion and $50 from DH's mom, and a $100 gift card from my mom--that's what she wanted to give to everyone on her "list", and since she is still able to decide how to spend her money, if someone helps her with it, I had gone out and bought them all for her. Everyone knows how tight money is for us, so it was nice that nobody bought stuff like pot holders or whatever (not that I don't like pot holders, I LOVE them, LOL), but the money helps so much!!!

I'm kind of disappointed that I didn't even get the coupons (and they don't cost anything) from DH, but I just re-read my post about lowering my expectations, and I'm trying to convince myself not to expect anything. I didn't expect much to begin with, but I guess right now, it's just too much. I do believe that he really did buy a CD for DD and that he really did make "coupons" for me, he was so upset that he couldn't remember where they were, if he was acting, well, he would've won an Oscar. So I just tried to empathize with him and told him it didn't matter.

Christmas day itself was nice, we drove with my mom to my brother's house about 90 miles away, and had a nice dinner, and my mom had a nice visit. She refused to use her walker, though, and she was rather unsteady on her feet, so that was kind of scarey, but everyone was impressed with how well she has recovered from her broken hip. I know that statistically, she isn't out of the woods yet, though.....

Well, hopefully you had fun for your holiday, too, and I very much hope you didn't have to work!!! I know that every hour I have off work is a blessing lately, so I hope you had lots of those kinds of blessings too!

My bright idea

Well, in the last few days, "That Guy" was nowhere to be found. Jim left to visit his "real" family for the holidays, and none too soon, as I have been getting more and more aggravated by his presence--I just hate having him always there on the couch....and although he does get things done around the house, he's been doing a lot less to help out lately. So I'm very glad he's gone, at least for a week or two....

I have a friend, Anita. I have worked with her for 17 years, and she and I were on a bowling team with both of our mothers for years before our moms had to stop bowling....anyhow, her husband passed away on Thursday night, of colon cancer. We knew he was dying, but we thought he would make it past the holidays, for sure. We thought wrong, though. I wish I knew better how to be a supportive friend without being overbearing, I know she's going through a tough time right now, and it pains me to think about what she must be feeling.

Anyhow, I was just waking up, pondering all the thoughts that come into your mind when someone close to you suffers a loss like this, and DH came into the room. I, still thinking that "That Guy" was taking a break, started to tell him about how I was sad for Anita, and thinking about her, and he told me that he needed cigarettes, and while I was at it, he needed pop, too, and gas.

I was still in a "Carol has a give-and-take normal marriage" mood, because that's how things have felt these last few days, but I was wrong there too.

I really couldn't afford to get him cigs or pop or gas, but I didn't want to be a jerk anyhow, so I said this: "I'll get you cigs and pop if you feed and water the ducks and chickens." Feeding and watering the ducks and chickens in the winter is a big pain because it's cold out and the water is always frozen, so you have to "pop" the ice out of the water bowls before you can fill them...then there's the actual toting of food and water-did I mention it's usually cold out in December in MN? Of course, "Ducking and clucking" is usually my job, they're my birds. But I thought I was being very reasonable. A slow person can "duck and cluck" in about a half hour.

Right away, he started trying to tell me I was being unreasonable. But I KNOW I wasn't being unreasonable. I let it drop for a while. Then he told me again that he needs cigs, and I asked him if he was going to duck and cluck. He said "I always get duck food from town when you need it." (The main reason I have him get duck food from town for me is because I can give him a 20 dollar bill, have him get the duck food (about $15) and he can keep the change--that way we both get something out of the deal. But I can get the duck food myself if it's that big of a chore....)

Anyhow, I let it drop again, and then I was getting ready to go to my mom's, and he asked me again for the cigs and pop....I asked him if he was going to duck and cluck....he said "I'm sorry, I just don't feel like it". I said, "I go to work every day even when I don't feel like it." And he didn't respond. At this point I knew I was dealing with "That Guy" and so I'd better not press the issue. So I went out and fed the ducks and chickens myself. I went back inside to change my shoes, and he had the nerve to ask me for cigs again!!!! I just looked at him, and he said "oh forget it." So I left.

Eventually I did buy him one pack of cigs before I left for work. But he's mad at me. And I'm having an "isn't marriage supposed to involve GIVE and take, and not just TAKE" moment....
Thank goodness Jim is gone, I can sleep on the couch when I get home!!!

Update on Chuck Wagon

It's pretty funny, and still full of irony--

Chuck (my DH's Sims character), is still depressed, but now has a job...but he doesn't pay his bills and the bill collectors are calling him! Apparently things are getting repossessed, too....and apparently on at least one occasion, Chuck was so tired that he fell asleep on his way to answer the telephone.....I don't know if Chuck can file for bankruptcy or not, LOL

I'm hoping it's a coincidence, but part of me is wondering if the reason Chuck seems so similar to DH is that DH is still making the same kind of decisions as he was before??? I hope not!!! I don't know enough about the game to know how much of it is random and how much is based on DH's actual choices. I guess there's not much I can do about it anyway, right?