Well, today I started thinking more about the fact that there will not be a biological child in my future, barring some kind of miracle. And I got really sad. I have wanted a biological child for so long, but when we were financially ready, all of a sudden, bipolar hit. I couldn't imagine bringing another child into the mess, and I really couldn't stand "That Guy" anyhow, so no child. Now, I'm 42. So basically, no child, no matter what.
What most people do in this type of situation is adopt. However, I'm not sure, with DH's bipolar, whether we would be approved to adopt again now. I suppose someday maybe I'll look into it, but right now I'm kind of scared of what I might find out. So ignoramce is bliss. (?)
Yes, we have DD. And I do love her. But, as she constantly reminds me, I'm not her "real mom". We still allow her to see her "real mom" for about 2 hours a week, because there is s strong bond there. And I know, that if "real mom" and I were both needing help, it wouldn't be me that she'd choose to help first. She's not mine. She's mine to raise, that's all. I'd give anything for a kid who would know me as the "only" mom. Do you think that's selfish? When I read it back to myself, it sounds selfish to me. But I guess this is kind of a selfish post anyhow.
And if bipolar wouldn't have shown up, things might have been a lot different. There'd be more money, more possibilities....I could stay home with DD, which was the original plan....I would have a life, be able to enjoy my home....garden....snuggle with the cats.... walk and train the dogs....take them to the vet when they really should go, instead of hoping the problem(s) will go away....spend more time with my mom.....spend more time with DH's family, too.....I haven't been up to his mom's house since this all started, because at my part-time job, if I don't work, I don't get paid (no vacation) and I can't afford to not have that money.
Bipolar has stolen so much. I hate it.