Thursday, September 10, 2009

Today's news: I hate bipolar. (warning: whine ahead)

Well, today I started thinking more about the fact that there will not be a biological child in my future, barring some kind of miracle. And I got really sad. I have wanted a biological child for so long, but when we were financially ready, all of a sudden, bipolar hit. I couldn't imagine bringing another child into the mess, and I really couldn't stand "That Guy" anyhow, so no child. Now, I'm 42. So basically, no child, no matter what.

What most people do in this type of situation is adopt. However, I'm not sure, with DH's bipolar, whether we would be approved to adopt again now. I suppose someday maybe I'll look into it, but right now I'm kind of scared of what I might find out. So ignoramce is bliss. (?)

Yes, we have DD. And I do love her. But, as she constantly reminds me, I'm not her "real mom". We still allow her to see her "real mom" for about 2 hours a week, because there is s strong bond there. And I know, that if "real mom" and I were both needing help, it wouldn't be me that she'd choose to help first. She's not mine. She's mine to raise, that's all. I'd give anything for a kid who would know me as the "only" mom. Do you think that's selfish? When I read it back to myself, it sounds selfish to me. But I guess this is kind of a selfish post anyhow.

And if bipolar wouldn't have shown up, things might have been a lot different. There'd be more money, more possibilities....I could stay home with DD, which was the original plan....I would have a life, be able to enjoy my home....garden....snuggle with the cats.... walk and train the dogs....take them to the vet when they really should go, instead of hoping the problem(s) will go away....spend more time with my mom.....spend more time with DH's family, too.....I haven't been up to his mom's house since this all started, because at my part-time job, if I don't work, I don't get paid (no vacation) and I can't afford to not have that money.

Bipolar has stolen so much. I hate it.


Manic Mother said...

Amen! Bipolar steals so much from everyone involved!

Elizabeth A. said...

I always wanted a family, my own children. The older I get, the more medication I need. I occasionally still feel mournful about that dream going poof. Well, like you mention, a lot of dreams go poof, but not knowing life outside my own is a real disappointment.

Grace. said...

Well, you KNOW I'm going to defend adoption. You are on your first child who is still a teen, so you are not yet aware that there is light at the end of the "you're NOT my REAL mom tunnel." All of my kids wound up in contact with their birthfamilies and every last one of them tried the "real mom" language on me. But now that they are all adults (ranging from 19 to 41), either I've gotten more "real" to them or they've grown up enough to realize where the real mothering came from. Birth parents will likely remain part of your daughter's life (and yours) but the perspective gets better. I can also tell you from experience that any grandkids you have will be the 'realest' experience around--no FAE, no dueling moms, just unadulterated love.

Anonymous said...

Yup, manic-depression sucks. I can think of worse fates, and I do frequently, in an attempt to gain some perspective. "It could always be worse". Not much help, but what else can you do. My favorite observation lately has been the contrast between the fawning affectations of friends and family immediately after diagnosis, almost all of whom abruptly made themselves very scarce in my life shortly thereafter. I'd prefer outright shunning to that.

Reighnie said...

I know how you feel Carol. I feel like SCI AND my sister have stolen everything from me.

I've been going through the whole fertility thing here for almost a month. I feel like every corner I turn I get kicked down.

What gets to me the most is that I have no fertility issues whatsoever. It's all Hubbins and because of that I have to have IVF. I've researched over and over and no matter where I go, it boils down to the fact that I don't have insurance to cover it and even if I could find the insurance, I have to prove that I have fertility issues to cover it. So it's all going to be out of pocket for us.


I haven't completely given up yet but I feel like I am just in denial. I have less than 2 years before I turn 35 and then I won't be such a prime candidate for IVF. I don't think I can save $25,000 in less than a year in a half. With 5 kids and all and Sean's medical needs. I'm the only income here too.

I also know how you feel about the adoption thing. These kids will always be my nieces and nephew. Just staying here cause they they have no place else to go. It doesn't matter what I do. I don't want to take that place anyway.

I just hate being punished for my sisters mistakes and for Sean's disability. I hate having to worry if I could handle it all anyway since the current situation is well...you know.

I feel like I am being selfish but then I ask myself, how AM I being selfish? I just want a life. That's all. A family- someone else in the world because despite all those around me...it's still just me. I think you know what I mean.

Karen said...

Life throws curve balls at us.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you, but theree is a reason for everything, or so I chose to believe.I understand completely how you feel about wanting your own child. Maybe adoption is not out. Go with your gut, and do what you need to do. They can only say no, and better you try than never know.

Anna Vosburgh said...

I have a son, age 12. I tried to be a mother to him, I really do love him more than anything in this world, even though all that I've done concerning him has appeared selfish to most people. And it was. This bipolar thing seems to take precedence over everything. So, I see him, he knows me as mom, but my parents are raising him. It breaks my heart, I mourn for him, for the heartache I've caused him. He certainly didn't do anything wrong. And I mourn for myself, I miss him so much. I know it's not an encouraging thing to say, but I think we're going to pretty much mourn no matter what happens. It seems to be the nature of the beast.

perphila said...

I don't think you are being selfish. We all have to take time you think about what we want out of our OWN lives. If we didn't we would lose who we are, our own identity. It's tough doing that because we can see how far off track from where we were or what we had thought we wanted. Then you have to think about how to get back on track and see what things we still want from life and what we don't. How can we keep trying to move forward with what we want for ourselves while considering the responsibilities we have created for ourselves along the way? That isn't selfish, that's maturity. It is good for you and for the people around you.

Bipolar, there is no one word strong enough to say how much it stinks. It's a thief. Sometimes I feel like my husband's problems have stolen my whole future. the things you described you wanted for your own life sound so mich like mine but now because of how this illness has affected our families that isn't possible...right now. I try and think, it can be, it WILL be someday.

I am lucky to have my children. I do think about my daughter though and how hard this is all going to be on her. You just never know. what is going to happen. If I had been pregnant with her and then found out about Sean's bipolar would I have chosen not to bring her into this mess? I guess in a way that's a similar question to, should you adopt and bring a child into a family with one parent that has bipolar? I am beginning to think as long as a child has at least one stable loving parent the child will be ok. Not only that but hopefully with an ability to cope and roll with life's punches better than any child who was brought up without ever having to deal with any kind of hardship. You will always have to make that final call yourself. Follow your heart.

Casey said...

Amen! I have bipolar...and it has stolen years from me. It has also stolen from those close to me. Things have been good for several years now, and I never miss my medication. Still...I wait, wondering when and if it will strike me again. The depressions are horrid and long and dark...but the mania did the most damage in my life.

Thinking of you and yours.

obladi oblada said...

I have a cousin that Im very close to that is bi polar. I dont have to live with her, so I cant put myself in your shoes exactly, but it is heartbreaking. I agree with Grace...you dd will come around one day to know who was always there for you.

Jimmy Casey said...

I hate bipolar, too...words cannot describe the magnitude with which I hate it. I don't think you're being selfish to want a biological child. If you are, then I would have to say that's not a "bad" selfishness, and certainly not uncommon. Adoption is a great thing...one of the best things a person can do for a child and for themselves as well. But, and I don't think it's "wrong" to feel this way, there is something very, very special about having a biological child, having felt it kick in your belly (and I can vouch for this, as a 47 year old man...haha!), observing through the years how his/her facial features develop to favor mother or father...you know, that kind of stuff. It's not selfish at all to want that. It might be selfish to think "that's what I deserve", but otherwise?

My 14 year old son is the best thing that ever happened to me, but I KNOW it's hard on him to have to deal with the effects of my bipolar (which usually manifests as depression). I think my wife is one of the strongest women in the world because she puts up with it, yet I also fear that I have ruined her life and her chances for happiness by the way I am.

Thanks for this post. It kinda reminded me that it IS the bipolar I should hate and not myself.