Monday, August 31, 2009

I've been wondering...

Why is it, that DH was gone, but I worked the same hours as usual, nothing at all changed with my work routine, but still, I got so much more done when he was gone? Does he really bother me that often, for cigarettes and pop, or does he just suck the energy out of me so that I don't have the energy to do more than I already do?

Or maybe it was just the novelty of the whole thing, and if he was gone every week like that, I might not get anything more done that normal....

Or maybe I just expect him to carry some of the weight, and when I don't have him around to help, I just up and do it myself without that expectation? Hmmmm

Not sure....

Back to normal.

Well, DH is back. And to be honest, I was a little (ok, more than a little) disappointed when he got there. I had such a good time!!!!!I ate my favorite cereal, and a frozen pizza. I finished a book without anyone interrupting me. And during the time I was home, there was not one dog "accident", from either Kirby or Sarah--I got up to get them outside before there was a problem (yes, it was a little more inconvenient, but it's so much more pleasant to not have to clean that up....)

So then, I went out and cut the entire lawn....it ends up being about 2 1/2 acres of lawn, so that was most of my day on Saturday, but it felt so good to have it done!!!! See, when DH does it, he might do the "front", and then put off doing the "back" until tomorrow, when it rains, and then it never gets done. It really bothers me when things don't get all the way done, so I made sure the lawn did, when I was in charge. And it felt good. Really good. And when DH got home, I think he was a little chastened that I did all that, so he fired up the wood splitter and split some wood (Thank Goodness!)

I so much enjoyed having the place to myself, I wished I had the nerve to tell him to stay up there for the whole week....but then...that's not fair to the dogs, because I work such long hours and they really need to get outside.....drat. Oh well, it was a very refreshing couple of days. Now it's over, and I'm back to work. Tomorrow's the fair, and I'm looking forward to that, too. Even though I won't have much money for food, I've always loved all the things you can see...and the people-watching is good, too! I already bought discount admission tickets. DH is a little disappointed that I don't have more money for food and such (I only have about $40.00 to split between the both of us) but I figure if each food thing costs about $5, that should still be plenty. We'll just have to be careful. I think it'll be fine. And if DH doesn't like it, he can go back to his mom's!

Friday, August 28, 2009

I lied.

Me: What time are you leaving tomorrow?

DH: Oh, about 8am

Me: That's pretty early...

DH: I wish you could come with...

Me: Me too.

Tee hee.

I've got all sorts of plans.
Cut grass
split wood
clean house
eat frozen pizza
read read read
sleep sleep sleep
snuggle with critters
I am so looking forward to this, I can barely stand it!!!!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Oh, it's gonna be a good week!!!!!!

I found out yesterday that DH's mom has volunteered to take DD for a week!!!!!!!! School doesn't start until the 8th of September this year, so on Friday this week, DH will drive DD to Grandma's house, where she will stay for a week!!!!!!

And that's not even the good part!!!!!

Friday, which, as of right this minute, unless I get called to fill in at my 2nd job, is a day off for me, DH will be leaving with DD early in the morning, and staying overnight at his mom's. He'll be back Saturday night, about the time I'll be leaving for work. So basically, on Friday and Saturday, I'll have the house to myself...I won't have to buy cigarettes or pop, I can buy my favorite cereal and even get to eat some of it, and I can have PEACE AND QUIET. And spend time with my critters, too.

I am so excited I can barely sit still.

Plussss.....on Monday, DH and I will be able to go to the State Fair without DD, which means that it will be much more fun, and much more frugal!!!! Yayyyy!!!!

It's fun to be excited about things.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Bipolar hubby takes the MMPI....

DH is back to "stable". I guess the problem is that I start thinking that he's going to be "stable" forever now, and I need to recognize (albeit reluctantly), that any little thing can, and will, throw him off. Even though his thinking's still not right, and he forgets at least half of everything I tell him, I'll take this "stability" any day. Things have been so much worse.

And interesting.....DH took the MMPI test recently. We (of course) didn't get a copy of the results, but one of the things that showed up most prominently was that he has a tendency towards having a lot of pain(s) that is/are mental health related. It was referred to as (I think, but didn't write it down) "conversion disorder" and/or "somatization disorder". Nobody, to the best of my knowledge, aside from me and some of the commenters here, has ever seemed to give serious credence to the possibility that DH's back pain might be "all in his head". I felt rather vindicated. I think DH STILL didn't want to believe it, he really didn't jump right up and say, "You know, that's absolutely right!" but I think he's at least thinking about it.... Other things that showed up..."extremely dependent on spouse", "difficult time starting tasks", "possible addictive tendencies"....
Nothing was mentioned about bipolar per se, or spending, or depression....but it could be that since we already knew about those, the therapist just didn't bother reading that part to us? Anyhow, it was very interesting.

DH and I marveled at how a 2-hour test could pick up on things so accurately. He said it was kind of scary that they could know so much about him with just that one test. To the best of my knowledge, it's the first time he's taken it since he became mentally ill. (When he went to the Police Academy, he had to take it, and he was not rejected, so we are assuming that nothing out of the ordinary showed up at that time...?) I wish I could've taken it. I'm curious.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My new job (funny)

Time: 4am
Place: bedroom

DH: Are you there?

Me: Yes, I'm here. What's going on?

DH: Yeah, it just happened! There were two cars up there, and they fell off, and then another one went up there, and that one fell off, too!

Me: (smiling) Oh, wow, how did they fall off????

DH: Well, hey--......Carol?????!!!!!!

Me: Yep, that's me!

DH: ZZzzzzzzzz. ZZzzzzzzzz.

DH: Carol?

Me: Yes?

DH: When did you become a 911 operator?

I love when DH talks in his sleep.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

His kingdom for a cigarette....

I'm pretty disgusted (as usual, huh?). I really thought things were stabilizing, but I'm finding out that even "stabilizing" doesn't really mean much.

It actually started with me. I continued to get upset because DH and DD would spend the day fishing, watching movies, hanging out with DD's pca (I know I should be happy that he's at least getting out of bed, but....), and I was coming home to the usually filth. I asked DH to clean the bathroom. He swept the floor. The rest of it is absolutely filthy. I asked him to please do the dishes. He did one load of them (dishwasher) and then forgot about the rest. So I was getting angry, and I told him it wasn't fair that there were two (basically) grown up people sitting home all day (or going ot to have fun) and I was the one who was coming home from work and having to clean all the crap. And the house is smelling because we are still drowning in pee, and DH can't be bothered to let them out often enough....but that's a whole 'nother post. I was angry. And DH said all the right things, like "you have a right to be angry" and "this has got to change" and "I would've lost my temper a long time ago, and probably left"....but I didn't take it as sincere. It might have been, but it didn't feel that way this time. I really felt like this time he was just saying things because they shut me up. So I just got really sad, because nothing is like I wanted it to be and I've been feeling pretty discouraged. DH was very supportive and understanding, even though he was the cause of the problem, he was very nice about it. He didn't make excuses or anything like that.

Then, my mood started to lift, and I could see "That Guy" coming out occasionally....like one time DD mopped the floor and DH was telling me that she did it, and DD told him "don't be taking credit for my floor!" Normally that would just be majorly annoying, because he wasn't taking credit, and to the best of my knowledge isn't like that. But he got so angry and started swearing at her, totally out of character for DH, but completely true to form for That Guy....anyhow, there've been a few episodes like that, and he's just generally been down. Then Tuesday night he told me, "I was getting ready to set up my pills for the week, and when I looked, the slots for Monday and Tuesday morning still had pills in them." So he had forgotten to take his pills for two days in a row. So that could be the cause of some of this, but...

Over the weekend he asked me if he could take some change out of my piggy bank(s). I told him that I had been putting all of my at-home savings in the locking safe (he doesn't have a key) and that the piggy bank(s) were empty. Because he had helped himself one too many times.

Anyhow, he told me his mom was sending him money. Originally she was going to send the money on Monday, so it would be at our house on Tuesday. It wasn't there. His mom said she didn't get the money mailed out until Tuesday. So yesterday (Wednesday), I was getting ready for work (I stay at Anita's on Wednesday nights, so I wouldn't be coming home that night) and DH asked me to buy him cigarettes. Since the money from his mom was supposedly on its way, I only bought him one pack (he's a pack-a-day smoker). He was kind of mad about that. But I told him that if his mom was sending him money, I wasn't going to buy his cigarettes. I could tell he didn't like that, but hey, I knew it was reasonable....anyhow, so he had cigarettes for Wednesday and a little into Thursday. At 4:45 he called me. The money didn't come.
So I said, "Well, you're just going to have to wait until I get home (around 2am). There's nothing I can do now." I could just hear him blaming me for this in his voice. Because it was all my fault that he was out of cigarettes with no way to get more. I told him "try to take a nap or something to take your mind off it." I called him an hour later and he had already gone to the pawn shop. I have no idea what he pawned this time, because I know he lost his brother's Fender electric guitar and his brother's gun back in April. But it made me so disappointed that he did that, regardless of what he pawned. This is just like the "old" bipolar DH, making stupid impulsive decisions. Today I am wondering how much more of "That Guy" I will be able to put up with before I say "enough's enough!"

And the saddest thing of all....DD, with all her problems, has been doing virtually everything I ask her to help with, and doing a good job (mostly). She has been doing more than 10 times what DH has been doing. DD, who never had a family before, who is a "lazy" teenager, is more valuable to the family than DH is. And that makes me extremely sad, too. And I worry about what impressions she will take into adulthood related to DH's bipolar.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Talked to the credit union manager....

Well, it finally ate at me so much that I decided to write a letter explaining what has been going on. I knew if I just went down there and tried to talk, that I'd end up in tears and not be very effective, so I wrote it all down. The spending, the bankruptcy, the loans that I didn't even know about....and I pointed out that I still have a pretty darn good credit report--the only thing that hurts me is the balances on my credit cards....no late payments on anything.... I pointed out that if all the bills that I am paying every month were added up, there was about $20 a week for food/gas and not much else. But that I still haven't missed a payment, and boy, would it be easy to let those vehicles go....I don't drive either one....

As far as parking the ATV, I learned that taking the plates off wouldn't make a difference, because they are off road vehicles. Because of DH's banking issues, which were tacked on to the end(s) of these loans, we still owe more on the 4 wheeler than it's worth, so we can't sell that. And the truck is a 1992, so I doubt very much that we could get the $3,000 that is still owed on that, either....maybe....but the truck only gets 10 miles to the gallon, and it has some problems, so not likely....

Anyhow, at the end of the "conversation", where I still, even though I had written everything down, was in tears, the bank manager apologized to me, and made a cryptic note to herself in our file that she had talked with me. Actually, although I was very angry and prepared to hate her, I really liked her a lot--I felt like she could be a friend of mine except for the money thing....I felt like a huge load had been taken off my shoulders, so I am glad I went.