Ok, something's up here......

DH just called to tell me that he made an appointment to go to physical therapy for his back.

What the???!!!!

Basically every doctor in town has told him that he needs to go, but after more than three years he's made exactly one appointment (at my behest) and attended that and never went back.

But he called and set up the appointment himself.  I absolutely cannot believe it.

Maybe the med changes are a good thing.....?  (Or maybe he's feeling good about taking care of his diabetes and it's overflowing?) I don't know, but I'll sure take it!

Med Changes are Scary

Well, DH has been VERY good this week about monitoring his blood sugar and avoiding overtly sweet things, like non-diet pop, candy, etc.  Better than I ever imagined he could be--teehee.  He still is having a tough time recognizing that things like white flour can be bad, too.  But he's just beginning to take this seriously, so I guess it'll come.  He's been checking his blood sugar twice a day, writing it down, when it's higher than usual he's wondered out loud what he did wrong....and he hasn't taken the class yet, but he wants to (it just hasn't started yet).  It's so refreshing to see him taking care of himself, even minimally--I don't even care that he's doing it to preserve his "man parts" and not because he wants to be healthy--whatever motivates him!

And he went to his PDoc.  Explained about the lack of initiative, the complete lack of motivation, the missed work, how a few times on days off he didn't get out of bed all day except to smoke (of course), and the PDoc thought things were bad enough where he wanted DH to check himself into the hospital where the PDoc is on staff so that DH could be monitored closely and kept safe.  DH didn't want to do that,  because he would likely lose his job, so he said no.  So the PDoc made some med changes.

DH is no longer on Seroquel at all (he was taking 150mg at bedtime).  I remember when the PDoc started DH on Seroquel and how it was the first medication that started to change DH's out-of-control manic behavior.  At the time it felt like a miracle drug.  So thinking about DH not taking it any longer......well, that terrifies me, because while things are bad right now as far as him being lazy, unmotivated and whiny, things were so very much worse back at the time when the Seroquel was first prescribed.  And to help DH be more energetic, the PDoc prescribed Abilify.  I don't remember if he was on that before or not, but it all scares me--I guess I'd rather deal with "the devil I know" as opposed to "the devil I don't know"!

So far, I'm not sure if it's the fear of losing his "man parts" or the Abilify, or the lack of Seroquel, or a combination of all three, but DH did a load of laundry, folded it, put it away, fixed the dryer, and made an appointment with the eye doctor without me even saying a word.  So something's definitely better.  Now my question is.....for how long?  If it's just the "fear of losing man parts" causing the motivation, I suspect a lot of the motivation will wear off soon, although the motivation to be careful about the diabetes might remain.  If it's the med changes that are helping, well, WOW!  I'll remain cautiously optimistic for now.

So far I haven't seen "That Guy" yet.  That doesn't mean he's not around, and I keep expecting him to pop up--but so far, so good.  Sometimes it's a tough call as to whether I would rather be married to DH who is somewhat motivated but "That Guy" shows up regularly, or would I rather be married to an unmotivated, lazy DH?  Tough call.  I'd much prefer a somewhat motivated DH with no "That Guy".  I wonder if it can be done?

A wake-up call DH can't ignore!

Well, if you remember from my post regarding the Wellness Walk, DH was supposed to go but he had a "health issue".  Well, that issue has turned out to be bigger than we thought.

(Warning--slightly grown-up material ahead--and not for the squeamish)

DH had a rapidly growing lump on his inner thigh.  He thought it might have been from his pants rubbing his leg or something, he could walk, but he didn't do the Wellness Walk because he was afraid it would make it worse.  As usual, I didn't pay too much attention, as he always has a reason not to do something that requires a little effort....

Anyhow, the lump continued to grow, so DH went to the doctor.  What the Dr. said has caused DH to sit up and take notice like no other health problem he's ever had.

Basically, the lump was a cyst.  They had to cut it open to drain it, and the doctor said that he had seen bigger ones, but not too many.  DH has to go back to the hospital to have it "re-packed" with cotton/gauze because it is draining really bad.  It will recur, and since diabetics are more prone to infection, especially if the diabetes is poorly controlled, eventually, the recurrence will almost certainly become infected.    This particular kind of cyst becomes more difficult to combat each time it recurs, can cause scarring and "tunnels" under his skin.  Once the infection is present, because of the extremely close proximity to DH's "manly parts", and the increasing difficulty in treating the cyst, it is likely that those parts would become infected/gangrenous and require amputation.  The Dr. was absolutely serious about this and said that unless DH starts controlling his diabetes, it was almost a certainty.

DH has suddenly decided that it is time to take control of his diabetes.

He's been buying diet pop, considering the sugars in what he eats, and has decided to attend a "control your diabetes" class.

Priorities, priorities  :-)

I guess all those times I "reminded" him that if he didn't start taking his diabetes seriously, he'd lose his legs and maybe his arms too, and end up in a nursing home because I can't lift him.....I was threatening the wrong parts!  Sheesh.

Precious day

Today I took the day off (but I'm at my other job right now typing this)....

The nursing home where my mom is had their first ever Walk for Wellness.  Family, friends, volunteers, nursing staff and nearly all the residents took part in a one mile walk, including my mom and me.  The goal was to raise money for new exercise equipment for the Wellness program that they have at the nursing home, which helps residents with strength and balance, enhancing their quality of life.  DH was "supposed to" come too, but he had several health concerns that may or may not have been as troublesome as he made them sound....anyhow, he didn't go.....

When I got there this morning, I could tell it was going to be a "good" day.  I asked my mom if she wanted to go on the walk and she did.  Not only that, but she was ready to get out of her wheelchair and REALLY walk! :-)  (but I told her she could ride!)

It was a warm summer day and everything went off without too many snags.  My mom said it was nice to be outside.  We did the entire walk, then went back to the nursing home for hot dogs, beans and watermelon.  I couldn't believe it, my mom ate the entire hot dog (but only a couple of bites of bun)....and all of her watermelon and a couple of small spoons of beans, too!  I asked her if she was tired and she said "No, this is fun!"

There was a bit of a lull, which was filled by a very talented 14 year old girl who sang songs from many eras--she started off by singing "We Will Rock You", and I wondered about the choice of music for all these elderly folks....then....I noticed....MY MOM WAS SINGING ALONG AND TAPPING HER FINGERS!!!  When she noticed I was watching her and smiling, she said "I don't even know this song!"  I've been smiling all day just from that memory....

We sat for quite a while in the sun, and I frequently asked her if she wanted to go inside, and she didn't.  Then they had an auction of donated "goodies" with a real auctioneer.....my mom loved it, and I loved seeing her so happy....and judging from the prices that some of the donated items brought ($7.00 for 12-packs of pop!), they raised quite a bit of moolah.

I do have to mention that at least twice she said to me, "You've been so nice to me, what is your name again?" :-)
I only minded a little, because it really doesn't matter to me at this point who my mom thinks I am, if I can make her smile, or if I can get her involved with something that she enjoys...

It was a precious day, full of memories, made so much better by the fact that my mom had such a "good" day....

DH is now down to 3 days a week

He hasn't gotten fired yet, but I know it's only a matter of time.  They've cut him down to 3 nights a week, which, after gas expenses, pretty much pays for pop and cigs and not much else.

He has another PDoc appointment on Monday, hopefully he is able to express what he feels has been happening--it seems like this could (and should) be better.

He still has no initiative at all, and his thinking is funny, lots of "all or nothing" stuff, like the dryer broke down and he says "Why does bad stuff always happen to us?" and then "We've GOT to have a dryer....." (I'm fine with a clothesline, at least until winter.....)

But I am trying to look on the bright side as much as I can--we have so much more than lots of people.  We have options.  We (both of us, amazingly, especially in this economy) have jobs....and the bills get paid.  Despite the fact that things aren't easy, we've been blessed.  And I'm trying to remember that, so that when DH says "why does it always happen to us?", I can look past that.

I can't believe I'm considering this but....

Nothing huge.  In the grand scheme of things, anyhow....

I told one of DH's friends that I would pay him to cut our grass.  I cut about half of it last week and it took forever, because the grass was just that long :-(  And the weeds along the fences and close to the house and stuff....they're as tall as I am, no kidding!!!!

So, rather than beat myself up over why it isn't getting done, I'm going to pay DH's friend to do it.  He might be sorry.

It's a jungle out there.

I've become unsympathetic.

And it shocks me.  When DH is moaning in pain from his back, I don't even feel bad for him.  I find myself getting angry, because all he wants is for someone to give him a pill (preferably Percocet) to get rid of the "pain" and he doesn't do anything at all to make sure he doesn't get the pain in the first place, like go to physical therapy, exercise a little, or maybe make a half-hearted effort to lose weight (I know weight loss is hard, even for people without mental health issues, but if he just showed me he was trying to do something, even if he was failing, it would make me feel better)....

And when he comes home from work all sad because he was sent home from work for having high blood sugar, instead of being the "supportive wife", I turn into the "angry and disgusted" wife.  Because the problem is so easy to avoid, yet he doesn't. 

And he doesn't realize these things for whatever reasons, every time it happens, even if I've told him that it will happen, he is shocked and surprised.  And I'm not.  I just get more disgusted.

And that surprises me on some levels.  I know he believes his problems are not of his doing (don't a lot of us?) and that he has a mental health condition that warps his thinking.  So should I really be angry with him for something he can't seemingly control?  I feel bad.  But I just can't see how it can be pointed out to him, step by step, and he still doesn't do anything about it.

I have no sympathy.  When he goes to the Emergency Room for his back pain, I don't even go with any more.  Because every week there's some different ache or pain.  And it's never anything serious.  Last week he was having strange pains in his ribs, under his arm, on his right side.  I just got angry, wasn't even worried about what might be going on, because it's always something.  Then, I was glad that he was gone to the E. R.  Then, I kind of mentally chastised myself, because what if I feel that way and he's really having a serious health problem?  It's like I have run out of sympathy.  It's not something I'm proud of.  But after rereading what I've written here, it might not be as surprising as I thought it was.

Signed my mom up for Hospice

It's been a strange few weeks, mom-wise.....there were about 2 weeks where she was adamantly refusing food and water, refusing all medications, and very delusional when she was awake, which wasn't very often.   There were days where they couldn't wake her up enough to get her out of bed, there were days when she refused to let them clean her or change her.  I thought "the end is near".  And opted to sign her up for Hospice, mostly, I'm afraid, selfishly, because I know I am going to need support as I go through this and I know the hospice social worker will be a support and the nurses will tell me what to expect.  I don't really believe that it is going to help my mom all that much, as she states she is not in pain (when I can get her to answer) and I believe that is the truth, because most of the time she is just groggy and sleepy, not agitated as if she was hurting.  When she is agitated, it's because of her delusions.

So I signed the forms to get the ball rolling, and set up the "intake" appointment with the hospice program, and then.....mom rallied.  She started getting out of bed, eating at least 50% of her meals (although she can no longer feed herself) and talking about real things, like the weather and supper.  And she was like that for about 7 days to the point where I wondered if maybe I had jumped the gun with hospice.  Then today was the "intake appointment" and she was back to being lethargic again.  She ate well today, but she did not want to participate in life, she only wanted to sleep.  I was disappointed, again, and I kind of mentally rolled my eyes at myself--here she is, can't feed herself, needs help with everything, can't remember things from one minute to another, but I am still getting my hopes up for the "good" days.  And I know the letdown is coming, but I just hope it doesn't, then I'm sad when it does. 

It's almost an exact parallel to my reactions to DH's issues.  Every time there's some good days, I start to think things are getting better, but really, I'm just setting myself up for another crash.  When I recognize this pattern, I feel like maybe I've got a Pollyanna outlook and maybe I need to do something to make my thinking a little more reality based.  I think intellectually, for both my mom and my husband, I know where things are at and that they aren't going to get as better as I want them to......but emotionally, I still cling to hope......