Oh for Pete's sake!!!

Well, he called me back because he's "scared". I know he's "scared" that I'm going to tell him to leave. I never have yet, but I get closer every time something like this happens.

I told him he should be.

He asked me if I want him to leave, I lied and said "no, but you need to make sure this never happens again. I WILL NOT TOLERATE ABUSE." "Talk to your therapist, get anger management, I don't know, but I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS."

He said he didn't abuse the dog(s) and I said "well, if you had punched ME, it would have been abuse, so what's different?"

He said "WOMAN, I HAVE NEVER HIT YOU." And I said "that is true." "But there's a first time for everything, and when you abuse the animals, it makes me scared and angry."

And he hung up on me. WOMAN. Right.

It sure would be easier if he was gone when I get home. But I suppose he won't be, because his stupid truck is stuck in the woods. Oh. And the gun(s) are home now, too, for hunting season, so who knows what mistakes I've made by trying to be understanding....

Absolutely fed up

Well, earlier today I got a call from DH who had received a call from a bill collector who was threatening to put a lien on our house if he didn't pay up. I have done quite a bit of research on this, because my name is on the house, too, and from what I can tell, the worst they can do is put a lien on it, they can't force us to sell the house or anything like that, because MN has a homestead exemption of $200,000 and our house is only worth half that on a really good day, so as far as having a place to live, I think we're safe, but I am not a lawyer and have never dealt with this before, so I could very possibly be wrong. I advised DH to start filling out his bankruptcy papers ASAP because I do know that if he gets those debts discharged in bankruptcy, nobody can do anything to our house. "Oh, I will do that as soon as I get home."

Well, a couple of hours later I called to remind him to fill those forms out, because he either "forgets" or "never gets around to it" or "gets sidetracked" without a zillion reminders.

The first thing he tells me is that his pickup is stuck really bad on the far edge of our land. "Why on earth did you bring it back there?" "Well, Jason bought a deer stand and we wanted to set it up". Never mind that it has been raining for about three weeks straight, there are puddles in the puddles, and the truck can get stuck back there without any rain...to me this seems like a really really stupid thing. Now he's either got to ask our weenie neighbor who I hate for help, or leave it up there, unless he and Jason come up with some other solution. But waiit!!! There's more!!!!!

Our screen door doesn't close right. It closes but unless you latch it yourself, it doesn't latch. Megan (our lab/pit bull mix) has figured that out and decided she was going to leave. Then DH let Molly out and she left with Megan and they were running up the road. So DH got Megan in the truck by promising her a ride, but Molly wouldn't come to him. I guess his friend Jim got a hold of Molly and put her in the truck. DH says that he "punched her hard" and she bit him. So that pissed him off more, so he kicked her and "threw her in her kennel". I am absolutely speechless and furious. I think I need to ask him to go someplace else. I cannot live with someone who abuses my animals, and I cannot live with someone who scares me. And the fact that he would do that to our innocent animals does scare me.

I'm about ready to cry. I keep expecting him to act like he used to, and things just keep getting worse and worse. I'm afraid of what his not paying the bills will do to me, our house, our family...I'm afraid that he keeps on making really stupid decisions, and I'm afraid because he admittedly used violence towards our animals. I hope he feels bad enough and just leaves. Maybe he can go get a place with his brother. Right now I can't see straight and am absolutely furious.

Jobs for all

Well, today I was able to fill in for the same company that I work for at my second job, but at a different location than usual, only 4 miles away from home. That was a real treat, and I really really wish I could find some work that's closer to home. My main full-time job involves a 90 mile one-way commute, and after doing that for nearly 8 years, it's getting really really old. So my second job, which usually only involves a 30 mile one-way commute, seems so close to home!! But working at someplace just 4 miles away from home, now that's heaven!!!! I wouldn't even need a car, if I could find a job that paid the bills!!! But that's not likely, as it's a small rural town and there are very few jobs of any kind available, especially the kind that pays the bills! But it's still fun to think about, and I do apply for everything that even remotely seems like something I could do, but from what I understand, most of the time you've got to "know someone" to get in around home. Darn.

On a brighter job front, tomorrow DH is meeting with a lady who works for an agency that places mentally ill people in jobs. So he is hopeful that soon he will have a job, and that would be nice too. But then I think about the creditors and how they can garnish your wages or seize your bank account (not that he has one any more), and all the money worries start up again. I sure wish he could get that bankruptcy back on the road. ...I hope that if he starts working again, that maybe he'll be able to contribute to the family again, that would make me feel so much better, and I'm sure he would feel more manly too. But with his last job, he wasn't doing that, he was just spending his entire check(s) on fun stuff, not even paying HIS bills, let alone anything that I was responsible for, so I'm not holding out a lot of hope, but a little, anyhow....

Bipolar hunting solution

I think we have worked out a solution to the deer hunting situation that I can live with.

The guns will be locked at all times, with DH's friend in possession of the key(s). The guns will only be unlocked for hunting, and if DH's friend or I determine that we are concerned about his mental state at the time, the guns will remain locked. After hunting season, the guns will go back to my mother-in-law's house. DH agrees that he is ok with this. I think he believes that I am on some kind of power trip, out to just boss him around or something. When I made it clear that I really don't care what happens to the guns as long as he can be refused access to them if his mental state dictates, he seemed to be less angry, but I still think he doesn't really get it, that this is not me being the "controlling bully" (that's what he has called me in the past, when I've tried to get him to see that certain things that I advocate are in his best interest(s)).

That's been the toughest thing about this whole mental illness thing, HE expects that I (and everyone else) treat him as if he was a normally-functioning adult, and becomes angry when that isn't the case. Even when it is pointed out that right now, he is not a normally-functioning adult, it doesn't matter. So, sometimes I give in to the benefit of a doubt, and treat him as if he was a normally-functioning person, and I end up disappointed, because he continually fails to hold up his end of the bargain. And then the next time it happens, he doesn't remember it at all, so we do it all again.

I always thought that a person with, say, depression, was just sad all the time, or maybe slept a lot. I thought that a person with bipolar was either really really happy or really really sad. Nobody ever told me about this "losing touch with reality" stuff, and the fact that I see it is bad, but the fact that he DOESN'T see it, is even worse.

Bipolar deer hunting

We live in a rural area, in the "north woods". The unspoken culture of our area is "All real men go deer hunting. People who don't hunt aren't real men." Basically if you are a male over the age of 12 and have to functioning legs, you are expected to hunt.

The problem I have been having is this: Deer season starts in early November. In March, I took DH's guns away because he was suicidal. Now he wants them back for hunting season. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't, because he is still not mentally stable, although I don't THINK he's suicidal, I'm not absolutely positive about that. But for me to refuse to allow him to have his guns or go hunting or whatever, that is tantamount to me taking away a claim to his manhood and while I don't have a problem with that, he is getting very angry about the possibility. I don't know what to do. I go back and forth. On the good days, I am absolutely positive that it would be fine for him to be hunting, and on the not-so-good days, I'm scared to death of the prospect. It's a horrible place to be in.

And I hate being the "grownup" in our relationship. I hate making the decisions because he doesn't make good ones. Today I'm just tired of worrying about all of it. It's times like this that I just get sick and tired of being married and wish he would just go somewhere else. I know I'll probably get over that, but right now, that's how I feel.

Is my marriage doomed because of bipolar?

I have seen a statistic several times that states that "90% of marriages in which one partner is bipolar end in divorce". I saw it when DH first started to do the wild spending. I looked up the strange things that I was seeing at home, and all my searches came up "bipolar". So I knew for quite a while, even though the "experts" were still treating "depression". And the statistic has stuck with me. When things are going well, and when things are going not so well, that statistic pops into my head and makes me scared.

I can easily see why people would give up. A person can only take so much!

And when I realize that I am vicariously getting some of my emotional needs (regarding appreciation and recognition) met by DH's friends because he is not able to, I wonder about it, and how long it will be before things start to resemble "normal" again, and if I can hang in there that long. Today I am SURE that I can, but all it takes is a lie, or another bad check, or DH getting angry with me because I'm a "controlling bully" and I start worrying again.

It's like finding out you have cancer, and you have a 10% chance of making it. So incredibly discouraging. But I try to keep in mind that even with those kind of odds, 10% do make it, and my goal is to stay in that 10%.

Standing up to Bipolar

Today I read a blog post that advised loved ones to Stand Up to Bipolar.

As I read it, it seemed to speak directly to me, as that is one of the things I've found so difficult with this. I want to be a supportive wife. I want to say to myself, DH, and everyone else that "DH is ill, he can't help himself."

But sometimes it seems that when I do that, I'm really giving him permission to make things even tougher than they already are. Even though I know that the resentment that comes my way when I stand up to bipolar is much less troublesome than some of the consequences of not standing up to bipolar, I tend to choose the pain that will probably happen tomorrow over the pain (of standing up to bipolar) that I KNOW will happen today.

One of the greater aspects of this is DH's memory. I couldn't begin to count the things that he SHOULD be doing that he forgets to do without reminders. I don't know how much of that is due to the bipolar, but I know some of it is, he was never this forgetful before. For example, he decided in May that he needed to file bankruptcy. His creditors are threatening to sue him, and it depresses him to think of all the spending he has done (and is still doing). About a month ago, his mother gave him money to pay for the bankruptcy. (I had given him money a month or two before to apply to the bankruptcy, and he spent that.) He contacted an attorney who sent him some papers to fill out. Those papers have not even been opened, and his mother's money has been long since spent. Every time a bill collector calls, DH gets very depressed and down on himself. It's very clear to me that getting the bankruptcy started could only help, both with his mental state and with the bill collectors calling. But I remind him and I remind him and he never "gets around to it". So as far as I see it, I have a couple of options regarding the bankruptcy:

1) I can tell him that he WILL fill out those papers or I will obtain power of attorney or whatever is applicable and I will do it for him. If I take this option, he will no doubt be very resentful.
2) I can pretend like I think he knows what he's doing. So basically we keep going as we are now.
3) I can tell his mother what has happened with the bankruptcy. This is probably the worst idea.

It's pretty clear that option #1 is the most realistic. I have yet to talk to an attorney about protecting my interests as best I can, I keep telling myself "he is getting better" and that is not helping me any. So this is a situation where I need to "stand up to the bipolar" and I'm finding it terribly difficult. Our marriage has always been a partnership. It is so very far out of my comfort zone to take charge and say "WE ARE GOING TO DO THINGS MY WAY, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT". It pains me to even think about it, because that is not the kind of person I am, and I continually put off acting like that person in hopes that by the time I get around to it, things will be back to normal.

So the "standing up to bipolar" post was more relevant than I would like to think about. But reading it made me feel powerful.

Comfort and Relaxation

Here I am at work (again, as usual), and I've been thinking about how relieved I am to have DH's friends there this weekend. Not so much because they've been helping me out more than he has, but mainly because they are not mentally ill and they are not tied into buying any of his weird ideas or excuses. That being said, he is still spending huge amounts of Jim's money, but I know that Jim is mentally healthy and will put a stop to it when he feels it is completely out of hand. I also feel comforted by the fact that if something goes wrong at the house, there is someone stable there to take control. I didn't realize how nice that was, until his friends got here.

DH is very worried that his friends are going to realize that he is not the same person he was two years ago, and that they won't like him any more. Jason knows DH has been diagnosed as bipolar, but I don't think Jim knows quite as much, because DH is afraid to tell him. Jason has kind of tended to lose interest in spending time with DH since this started, and I really can't blame him, it's absolutely no fun, even on the best days lately. He's whiney, full of self-pity, and can't do a single thing without spending money, and most of the time, doesn't get around to doing much at all. So when a person is broke, things are even worse. I'm married to him, I'll be there no matter what. But I can see where it would be hard for friends to want to be a part of that. I expect that in the next week or two, I'll have a chance to talk to Jim about everything, if he wants to bring it up (I won't, that's not for me to do), I'm sure he has a lot of questions. DH has told me that he has told Jim "a lot", but I get the impression that it has been "sugar-coated" because he doesn't want Jim to think less of him because of the mental illness. It's a troubling state. I am hopeful, though, that he won't lose these two friends, because they have been his friends since childhood, and so things will probably go on still.