Thursday, October 21, 2010

The post you've been waiting for (Nope,it's not here yet)

I’ve been thinking about Anonymous’s not-so-subtle hint (in the comments section of the previous post) that I have been procrastinating my promised post "Why I stay with my bipolar husband", and she’s right. I think about it all the time, but it’s been tougher to put it into words, especially during the "down" times like what we’re apparently going through right now (for about the twentieth time or so). I really think there could be two completely different posts, each one depending on how things are going at the time.

Right now, when I’m very angry at the bipolar and at the situation, I find myself (even without writing it down) fantasizing about just throwing up my hands and saying "That’s it. I can’t do it any more, and it gets harder every day." I come home from work on his day off and I’m instantly crabby because the ONE CHORE that I asked him to do did not even get started. And the fact that he still needs to make that lab appointment, that makes me feel like "he’s not trying, so why am I wasting my time?"

But then, when "That Guy" isn’t around at all, and it’s DH, and he listens to me, supports me, and tries his best to help, I know I can do it—especially if I can get my finances to a point where I would only need one job—I can do it—take care of the stuff that needs taking care of, and still have a better marriage than many people—because that’s really what we have, when things are going smoothly—we have a good marriage with huge obstacles to overcome.

I wish that DH would just stay in one mode or the other—either be "That Guy" all the time, or DH all the time, then it would be a simple thing to figure out.

The tough post (the "Why I stay" post) will be coming over the weekend, I think—it’s harder than I’d like to admit.


Miz Kizzle said...

Your DH will always be bipolar. His moods could become more stable if he took his meds properly but he won't do that so things will continue to be up and down with him.
I'm not trying to be hateful, but saying you have a better marriage than most people when your DH is not being mean is inaccurate. You have no idea what "most people's" marriages are like but what you're really saying is you're willing to settle for doing 90 percent of the work while your DH does (maybe) 10 percent. That's not my idea of a good marriage.
My DH and I have been married for almost 28 years. We both work hard both at home and at our careers to be successful. If I need something my DH will do his best to see that I have it, and that goes for emotional support and friendship as well as the material things in life. We travel all over, have three great kids and two homes where we are proud to invite our friends and relatives.
I'm not bragging that my life is better than yours but I'm trying to point out that we would have none of those things if we didn't both put our best efforts into our marriage.
Your DH is not making much of an effort, from what you describe. It seems like he doesn't value you or himself so my question remains: why stay?

Anonymous said...

Miz Kizzle...
You are comparing apples and beets. A marriage with a mentally ill spouse CANNOT be compared to a "normal" marriage. Yes, any marriage is work and a give and take between the two, but that equation must change when dealing with mental illness. That mentally ill spouse is not capable of giving more than he can most of the time. No more than someone with cancer going through treatment is able to. As a spouse of someone with mental illness, we have to decide that the person we love IS there and is worth the fight. And it is a fight a lot of the time. My spouse takes his meds religiously, but we have still had all kinds of cycles through the ups and downs of bipolar. During the low moments, yes, I am doing the 90%, but then he will eventually recover and do as much as he can. This is not an easy road and WILL NEVER look like the road of a happy marriage that has no mental illness issues. I find it insulting and unfair that you would broadcast how awesome your marriage is when someone has been real enough to share her struggles. We need encouragement and support, not someone's ideals thrown in our faces.