Sunday, October 31, 2010

Last word

Ok, well, I just somehow feel like I need to explain/defend my thoughts on DH and suicide still/again, as I don't feel like I've explained my point of view correctly.

I don't think I'm being manipulated or threatened with an "If you leave me, I'll kill myself".  I believe strongly that if I asked DH if he would harm himself if I left him, he would deny it vehemently.  However, I strongly suspect that is not the case.

To better explain this, I'll use a different-but-parallel situation.  My mom is in a nursing home.  My brother only visits every few months.  I visit her every single day.  Without fail.  Even if the visit is only 20 minutes, I'm there every day.  I tell her about my day, ask her about hers, tell her I love her.  Make sure she has everything she needs.  (For those of you who know my mom has Alzheimer's, she does still know who I am).  She is happier than I ever thought she would be there at the nursing home.  But she is very proud of the fact that I visit every day and she waits for my visit.  And....I am sure that if I died or stopped visiting, she would lose her will to live and pass on much sooner.  She is not manipulating me or threatening me, and I'm not even sure she knows this.  But I feel it is true.  And that is how I feel about DH and the likelihood that he would harm himself if I left.  Not that I'm that wonderful, but to both DH and my mom, I am a very important person, a person who takes care of them, helps them, hugs them.  It is my opinion that MANY PEOPLE, if they only have one person in the world who is really that kind of support, would see no point in going on if that support person were to be gone forever for whatever reason.  The difference between my DH and my mom is that DH has the means and ability to end his life, where my mom's only recourse would be to curl up and die.  In my mind it's not manipulation at all.

And I also wanted to say that the possibility that DH might kill himself is not the only reason that I stay, not by far.  But it does merit my consideration, for sure.  And my thoughts on that might change if I were to lose so much of my love for him that I was only staying for that one reason.  But I'm not.  I love him and unless "That Guy" moves in to stay, I won't be leaving any time soon.

And now back to our regularly scheduled blog.


In the Pink said...

I think it is beautiful how loving you are with your mom and DH. And I get where you are coming from with DH probably hurting himself if you left. If my man left me I would probably stop taking good care of myself. When something bad happens to a person with bipolar it can send them over the edge. They do not choose to go to that place, it just happens. It could happen to someone who isn't bipolar.

Galen Pearl said...

I admire your wise perspective on your life. It can't be easy, and I'm sure it isn't. When I was going through dark times in my own family life, I wish I had had your insight. I think your view of things must sustain you, but I'm wondering what else sustains you. Do you have any particular things that you do for yourself that feed your spirit and energy?

Also, I agree with In the Pink about these things happening to anyone. That is so true. Adversity and challenge happen in all lives. We can learn from each other's struggles and triumphs. Thank you so much for sharing you life. It helps so many people, and I hope it helps you, too.

obladi oblada said...

You are an important person in these lives, and God bless you for being so unselfish.

Carol said...

I appreciate these comments, and wanted to respond to Galen as to things that feed my spirit, because I thought it was a good and valid question.

There are a lot of things that, pre-bipolar hubby and pre-unstable DD and pre-Alzheimer's mom, I enjoyed--gardening, exercise, learning, volunteering....

Now that my life seems to be full to the brim with mentally unstable people and the debt-consequence(s) of DH's previously undiagnosed illness, there is not much time for me. What feeds my spirit? LOL, not to make a joke, but....pizza--my favorite food--and it's so sad because sometimes I just need alone time, and I use food as an excuse. And the scale shows it, too.

And the animals. I wish there were less, of course, but I could never decide who to part with--I love them all so much. I wish some saintly person would knock on my door and offer to give Sarah a good home so that I wouldn't have to clean that up every day, but the animals...even Sarah sometimes....they make my heart smile.

And solitude. I don't really meditate, but I enjoy the chance to be alone with my thoughts and beliefs.

I know that my mom's illness is closer to the end than to the beginning, and I know that regrets can last a lifetime, especially when they pertain to someone you love--my mom needs me, needs the security of knowing that someone cares every day and so that's what I do. And I probably could take steps (like bankruptcy) to make my life easier, but it seems like that would come with its own set of problems.

I acknowledge that right now I don't have much of a "life". But there are some responsibilities that can't be avoided--it does seem to be getting harder to keep up lately, but I'll keep on doing my best...