Thursday, April 15, 2010

Tired of DD's lies and tantrums and defiance and intimidation.....

DD turned 17 this past week. Because I was feeling like maybe things were finally changing for the better, DH and I opted to buy her a little portable DVD player. She's not allowed to have TV in her room, but I figure we have more control over that, and maybe she wouldn't be so needy if she had a mini-babysitter (I know that's bad, but she's 17 and she acts like she's 3!)

The day after her birthday, which involved a trip with a friend to the zoo (I paid) and cake and ice cream (and two new outfits and the dvd player), her pca (personal care attendant) who is awesome, requested that she be allowed to go home early because DD's attitude was awful and she was afraid she was going to say or do something unprofessional. So of course I said "sure, I completely understand." Then, as soon as the pca left, DD TOLD me that "I'm going to go watch movies now." And I told her, "Um, you were so rude that your pca asked to leave (that's never ever happened before)....you don't get to do fun stuff just because she's gone." And DD said, "It's mine, I can watch movies if I want!" and I said, "Actually, I still have the receipt, and I can return it...."

DD: You can't return it, I already opened it!

Me: I can, they take stuff back all the time, all I have to do is tell them I didn't like it.

DD: No! NO!!!! I HATE YOU!!!! YOU'RE A BITCH!!!!

Me: That's fine, but you need to go to your room now.

DD: You can't make me.

Me: Nope, I can't, but I can bring that movie player back.

DD: Ok, Ok....I'm sorry!!!! Geez, mom.

Me: (trying to go into the other room) Ok.


Me: Not when you sound like that.

DD: Can we talk about this?

Me: No. It's not negotiable. I will count to five. If you are not in your room with your door closed by the time I get to five, the movie player goes back.

DD: (screams at the top of her lungs)

Me: One.

DD: (screams some more)

Me: Two.

DD: OKAY. (slams the door).

Me: You know that you just lost your door, right?

DD: (screams some more)

That's just kind of how things went that night. I don't even want to talk to her. I'm so tired of her stupid 2-year-old tantrums....she really strains every ounce of self-control I have lately. And I don't know what to do. Except not give in.

I've got to go for now, but I'll be posting more on this later.


GB's Mom said...

All you can do is not give in and try not you take it personally. BTDT- it's not easy.

perphila said...

Don't give in. I know that at times you are just so tired of it you want to cave. I have a friend who tells me when I have stuff like this that happens with Connor to let it all slide off like water on a ducks back. So sometimes when I get beat down by words and insulted or guilt tripped I think "quack, quack" in my head. My own personal mantra...:) You can do this.

Annie @ The Upended Buffet Table said...

Good job mom!

Elizabeth A. said...

I was at Target and this child was screaming. Just intermittent bursts of screaming and after about 30 minutes I realize it has stopped. (Thank God.) Then I see the mother opening a box on popsicles in the freezer section. I appreciated the mom making my shopping experience more pleasurable, but that kid's going to be a nightmare. Can you imagine the mess?

You know you're doing the right thing. I like Perphila's idea of a mantra.

Anonymous said...

I think that once a child is given something it belongs to them and therefore it shouldn't be returned to the store as a form of punishment. However, disrespect is not OK and so I think you should take it away from her until she shows you she is sorry.
You're right; her behavior is that of a much younger child.

DogAteMyFinances said...

I don't even know what a PCA is, and this is awful.

I wonder what it would be like you actually had a father to help you, or maybe it would be the same.

Why does no one in your house accept any responsibility except you??

Grace. said...

O My! Has your daughter been hanging out with my 19 year old (who also has FAE)? Maybe they read the same "25 Ways to Get Your Parents" handbook?

I think you handled it just fine even though I generally agree with Anon about taking the DVD player back. In my house, it was the "privilege to use the item" that was lost, not the actual item (which would go into my locked closet for whatever period of time I'd chosen).

Dog--reasoning with a child/teen with FAE works, but only after the 1,642nd time!

Anonymous said...

That was so smart to bring up that you had the receipt and could take it back. I would have been to flustered by her behavior but you are a pro. Way to stand your ground with grace and composure.

Anonymous said...

Carol, I have a 13 yr old granddaughter who believes she is 21. She is constantly telling her mother (my daughter) that she is a 'bad mom', because my daughter can't buy her everything she wants, and because dd asks her to help around the apartment. DD is a single mom after 12 years of marriage...she works full-time ($8.50 hr) and also goes to college full-time while also doing her precept work (required for her course work)at a shelter for abused women. I love my granddaughter, but for the sake of my dd's mental health, I believe gd should go stay with her father for a few months so she can finally appreciate what her 'bad mom' is trying to do for her.

marythemom said...

I just found your blog so please forgive me if I've missed too much of the "backstory" for my comment to be helpful.

When my children act like this (I have 2 adopted teens, one with RAD and one with "attachment issues"), I try to look at the cause for the child's behavior. Sometimes I can't figure it out or there just isn't one (they are both bipolar and have some brain damage), but in this case if it had been my child the behavior could easily have been triggered by - birthdays (always an issue, even for my biokids), overwhelmed (they find most stores too crowded and shopping for a long time or for different things - even if it's for them, is too much), trauma trigger (something caused a flashback to some event in the past...

Believe me this doesn't justify the behavior and there will still be consequences, but it helps me stay calmer and a little more sane (can't claim full sanity - I'm bipolar and the mother of 4 including 3 teens). And if I can prevent or lessen the liklihood of this happening again that's better than being in a constant state of crisis or always putting out fires.

If you have time to read (do any of us with teens?). I love Katharine Leslie's book Coming to Grips with Attachment and did a whole series of posts on my blog about a recent seminar of hers that I went to, unlike most books which seem geared toward younger children, she gives advice that is really helpful for dealing with teens.

Mary in TX