Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I hoped this wouldn't happen.

I suspect this will be an enormously long post. I apologize to any of you who don't really have time for all my drama...

But it's really hitting the fan this week. And things started out so good!!!! "That Guy", I think, has come back. I started noticing it with little comments that DH made a few days ago, just outright angry and mean comments that were not "normal" for him. I told him I was concerned. He admitted that he knew what I was talking about, and that he was worried too. He told me that "there are some things I need to talk to the psychiatrist about." When I pressed him, he confessed that he's been feeling suicidal again, and very angry. Sad to say, he believes that the onset of these issues coincided directly with his new job.

He told me that he didn't want me to force him to quit his job. I told him (as I have before) that I think working the overnight shift is a terrible thing for someone with a mental health issue, and especially bipolar. Then I told him that right now I am just concerned, and we'll need to pay attention to things.

I DON'T WANT HIM TO QUIT. WE NEED THIS MONEY SO BAD. But I know it's not as important as DH's sanity and/or our marriage (since I know that I cannot stay married to "That Guy" for very long. What a conflict. Probably, in all honesty, he should quit. But the hope that springs from that extra paycheck is difficult to give up, for sure.

Then, cut to yesterday. DD had been having a pretty good week with DH and with me. However, her PCA (personal care attendant--a lady who is paid by the county to come to our house for three hours a day to kind of be an extra set of hands for caring for DD) told DH and I that DD has been very rude to her, and has not been following through on her care plan (DD has certain things that she is responsible for doing when the PCA prompts her--like make her bed, pick up her clothes, do her laundry, etc.). The PCA told us that she is getting very frustrated with the way DD has been treating her. And if the PCA points out anything related to bad behavior OR not doing what DD is supposed to be doing, DD gets very angry. So DH and I agreed that the three of us (DH, me, and the PCA) would all sit down and try to talk to DD about this. In hindsight, this probably was too much "ganging up" on DD, but at the time it felt like the best way to keep the PCA from being the "bad guy".

My intention was to sit down and explain to DD that she needed to respect the PCA just like she would respect a parent or a teacher. Right away, though, instead of "talking", "That Guy" jumped all over DD. He was accusatory and angry sounding. Of course, DD got defensive, and started to have one of her tantrums. She stood up and ran out of the house. Normally, at this point, I/we would let her go and just keep an eye on her, but DH stood up to chase her. I tried to stop him, but "That Guy" angrily told me not to tell him what to do. He ran outside and apparently (from what he told me later) said something to the effect of "What are you going to do, just stand there and look stupid?" (In case you didn't know, "stupid" is the equivalent to a swear word in our house). This infuriated DD, and she started screaming louder, and swearing. Then she hit DH several times with her fist. When that wasn't effective, she picked up a bicycle tire pump that was in the yard and started swinging it like a baseball bat and used it to hit DH. At this point he stormed into the house and wanted to call the police.

I really felt like "That Guy" had antagonized DD. But I couldn't say that at the time, and I still haven't said too much about it. I am very upset and angry that she used a weapon. But I am also very angry and upset that DH started it and egged her on like he did. I convinced him not to call the police. He decided not to, and told me a few minutes later that the only reason he decided not to was that our house was a mess.

DH has been saying things like "I don't understand why, when a woman gets hit, the police get called, and when a man gets hit, it's no big deal." I didn't have much to say to him about that. I think I would feel more like getting the police involved if I thought the incident was relatively unprovoked. I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. DD has an appointment with her pdoc tomorrow, and I am going to do everything I can to make sure I go too. I am having very mixed feelings towards both of them right now.

But....that's not all....while all of this was happening, of course it took up plenty of time. I went to my mom's at 8:30pm, and felt even worse: Last week I had mentioned that I had been thinking that we should have a cookout at our house on Tuesday night. Then I forgot about it. When I got to my mom's, she HADN'T forgotten--she had been waiting in her apartment all evening, waiting to go to the cookout. She skipped supper. And I never showed up. At this point I felt absolutely awful. I still feel awful about that. I told her we'd have the cookout next week for sure, and she seemed fine with that, but I can't get over the sad feeling that I stood her up. So that was another fun aspect of the week.

Then today after school, DD's PCA was there as usual. DH was sleeping. DD decided that she wasn't finished with last night, and started saying all sorts of hateful things to me and to the PCA. Her PCA finally left because she was so upset. I spent three hours listening to DD rant. She told me she was moving out, I told her to go right ahead. She told me I was lazy, and that DH and I don't love her because if we did, we wouldn't treat her like this. She told her PCA that she was fired (DD has no authority in that area) and not to come back ever. I told DD that her PCA would come back whether DD liked it or not. DD told the PCA that if she came back, DD would lock all the doors and put Frosty (our dog who doesn't like non-family members) outside. DD was getting angry because she believes I have no right to be angry about the fact that she assaulted DH. Finally I told her to leave me alone, or I was going to say something I was going to regret. By this time, the thought of DD moving out was looking pretty good. Even at this point she was still trying to get me to argue with her, but I just agreed with everything she said. Then she got angry that I DIDN'T argue. Hmph.

So. I went to Dairy Queen and got my mom a malt to make up for last night. Then I spent an hour at the pharmacy, trying to ensure that DH didn't run out of medications (I knew that would make matters even worse). Then I went home and fed and pottied all the dogs, got everything set so that I could go to work and DH wouldn't have to do anything but get out of bed and go.

He is still on Percocet for his gonad issue(s). He had an ultrasound last week and there is still some swelling. During this entire time, he has been fine with our "system", where I dole out the Percocet. When I leave before him, I get the pills ready for him to take to work. But the doctor (and I) feel that he probably doesn't need the Percocet as much as he thinks he does (story of his life, I know). So I woke him up tonite, and told him it was time to get up. I told him I went and got his meds, they were on the table. Then he said, "Did you prep me?" (Meaning "did you get my Percocet ready?") I told him that I had left one dose for him earlier and did he take that one yet? He said he hadn't taken it. I asked him if he thought he was going to need more. He said, "Well, I'd LIKE more...." and me, thinking it was DH I was talking to, said "Well, I KNOW you'd LIKE about five more, but do you think you'll NEED them?" I was trying to tease him. I wasn't crabby at all (I don't think). But "That Guy" got angry and looked at me with pissed off disgust and said "Go. Just get out of here." So I did.

Have I mentioned I hate That Guy? I suspect that pretty soon, it's going to come down to either he finds a way to get rid of "That Guy", or he quits his job, or I quit this marriage. As I've mentioned before, I have very little tolerance for "That Guy" any more, and every little episode makes me start fantasizing about divorce.

I guess this job isn't as good of a thing as I had hoped.


Mike said...

Hey 2 things, I've recently been at the end of my marital rope as well but a book called 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work has really helped out. Also I would suggest if at all possible get away from the shift work. Sleep is one of the most important things for BPs (as I am up 2 hours past my bed time). Take care of yourself. Mike

DogAteMyFinances said...

I don't have a solution, but I want you to know I'm thinking of you.

perphila said...


Deep breaths right?

I hope you are able to go with DD to her appointment like you want. You are right that hitting is not acceptable and I'm sure you have explained this until you are blue in the face. I am dealing with the very same issue with the boy I watch. Of course he is three so I'm not worried he is going to go and find something that could seriously hurt me. I know for him it is developmental and with consistent care he will most likely stop. I have no idea what you can do for DD. It didn't help DH was in "that guy" mode. Hopefully her pdoc can give you some advice. Is it possible and would it be a good or bad thing if you had a different helper? She may be at the end of her rope but would a change be bad for DD?
You mentioned DH's work was aware of his illness. Would they be willing to make a change in schedule so it didn't mess with his sleep so much. I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask at least. If they say no then decide what to do.
Have you seen your therapist yet? Maybe you can get some stress relief there as well as some tips for DD?
You are NOT lazy! The irony. Take care of yourself.

Miz Kizzle said...

Has your husband been taking his psyc meds regularly? I wonder if he has been ditching them in favor of the percocet or because he thought his psyc meds made him too sleepy to do his overnight job?
I've thought for a long time that you have far too much stress on your plate. Something has to give and maybe it would be a good idea for DD to live elsewhere. I'm not sure where that would be, but it sounds like her behavior is getting worse. I don't know if she has FASD or RAD but it seems like something is going on with her.
Your hubby should be aware that he goaded your DD into attacking him. His comment about the police being called when a woman is abused but not when a man is the victim is completely untrue. He is probably twice your DD's size and his remarks to her in the yard were very inappropriate.
It seems like he acts like another kid when he's around her, making bad choices in an attempt to impress her and her friend (the four-wheeler incident) or by taunting her instead of speaking calmly and with adult authority. I wonder what his mental/emotional age really is?
Don't worry about your mom. She wasn't upset by you forgetting the cookout.

Robin said...

Ok, so here's my two cents :)

I think the police should have been called. DD used a weapon, whether it was provoked or not it was unacceptable. Explaining things to her doesn't seem to work as her brain is different than yours. Maybe riding in the back of a police car and spending the night in jail will help reinforce the idea of consequences. DD behaviour is abusive, even though she has a mental illness.

And yeah, it's really easy for me to say as I'm not living in your situation :) Good luck, my thoughts are with you.