Been a long week!!!

Hi everyone, sorry I've kind of been AWOL lately....lots going on, but still not much going on!!! But here's the big big news: DH started his job as a janitor yesterday!!!!!!! Can you believe it????? Yaaaayyy!!!! I'm kind of excited but mostly scared that it won't work out, and then that he'll be suicidal again. But I guess we'll never know until we try, right? He worked three hours yesterday. That's already more than he worked in the last 2 1/2 years put together!!!! My fingers are crossed.

"That Guy" seems to have gone back to wherever he came from. As soon as I started making sure that DH was taking his meds, "That Guy" disappeared. DH even told me that the generic cigarettes that I've been buying are fine with him ("That Guy" would never agree to that and would have tried to find a way to pressure me into buying more expensive ciggies!) Thank goodness he's gone, because I am finding myself with much less patience for "That Guy" than ever. It surprises me, how fast it happens. "That Guy" shows up, and I instantly start thinking that I can't stand this any more and a divorce would bring me great pleasure. But when he's gone again, so is that sentiment (thank goodness, because I couldn't afford a divorce!)

Me, well, I've turned down two interview this past week. One was as a customer service rep about 45 miles from home, but they did not have set hours--I was told that the hours could be "anywhere from four to forty, no guarantees", and since I need to be able to pay bills, that wasn't going to work, so I didn't go. Now this second interview, I'm not completely sure I'm doing the right thing, but it's 2 hours away from home for $12/hr (which is much less than I was making at my other job). And it's five days a week, and daytime hours. So that would mean that in addition to the 2-hour commute, I'd be driving in rush hour traffic, every single day. I just got stressed out thinking about it, so I decided to keep looking. Part of me thinks I should've gone just to get the interview experience, and part of me is saying "You know, $12/hr isn't really that bad...." but I don't think it's the right job (is there one? LOL)

On the hopeful side, there is a job, right here in town (4 miles away from home) that is right up my alley. I've been working on tweaking my resume so that I have the best chance possible. But I imagine that in this area, there will be oodles of applicants, so even getting an interview will be like winning the lottery. But you don't win if you don't buy a ticket, right? :-)

My mom has been asking me cooking questions lately. So I told her that tomorrow night, we'll make supper at her apartment and she can help cook. She got pretty excited about that, although she doesn't remember anything at all about cooking any more, I figure that at the very least, she can make some instant pudding or something, so she can feel like she is doing some of it....I do like having this extra time, for sure....just wish I knew what the future holds!

It's pouring.

I don't know where to start!

First, DH went to another job interview, for a janitor (part time) and they told him in the interview that he had the job and that they'd call him this week to let him know when to come in for orientation. But they haven't called. I know it's possible that DH misunderstood them, that maybe he really didn't get the job like he thought or whatever but.....

And DD. She's been hugely unstable this week. Lots of tantrums, lots of insults, pushing, shoving, I cannot even make my voice do what she does when she screams for hours on end. And she can't get in to get her meds re-evaluated until March 1. I don't know how I'll survive because....

DH admitted to me that he hasn't taken his pills this past week. I had wondered about that, because he was losing his temper with DD a LOT more than usual, and taking her stupid rantings personally. He was on the verge of punching her a few times, and it scared me. I could tell it was "That Guy", and he wasn't being rational at all. I just thought, though, that it was "one of those times" when "That Guy" isn't completely controlled by the medications. But then he told me that Sarah (our most elderly dog) had an accident on the floor (she has a lot of them because of the diabetes insipidus) and that he wanted to take her out back and shoot her. I haven't heard talk like that since he got started on the Lithium. And that alarmed me very much. But I didn't find out until yesterday's tussle with DD that he hadn't been taking his medications. Apparently he thought he'd do a better job at his new job, if he had all the ambition he had before he "had to take the meds". ARGH. So I personally watched while he took them yesterday, I hope he continues taking them, because "That Guy" will find himself single if he doesn't go back where he came from. I HATE "THAT GUY".

So.....on a very good note.....I found out that we'll be getting $4,000 back in my/our tax refund. I'm really excited about it, because I'll be able to pay off DH's truck, and then we won't have to have full coverage for the insurance any more. All in all, paying off the truck will give us about $400 more per month. Which will actually bring our budget from "there's no way possible to live within our means" to "if I'm very careful, we might have a few dollars left every month."
And, that's a very big thing, since I still having found a full time job.

Luckily, though, my part time job has been very happy to oblige me with more hours. I just wish I liked it better and that it paid more. I have decided that I need to find a job where there are mentally stable people. There are too many unstable people in my life and I need some stability.

Anyhow, on another tangent, DH's car (the one his mom gave him/us) is having some kind of problem which is probably the water pump going out. DH contacted his friend Jim and asked if Jim could help. Jim sent us $200 (yay!!!!!). But now DH (remember he's been "That Guy" this week) has been bound and determined to spend that money and he's been getting angry with me again when I tell him that we need to save it to fix his car. Today I told him that part of the tax refund showed up, and he got angry when I wouldn't give him any money, although when I left home he had personally told me that he has: pop, cigarettes, a frozen pizza and a candy bar. And plenty of gas. And now he's mad that I won't give him more money. Trying to make me feel like the "bad guy". I'm glad I'm stronger than I used to be, for sure.

But I guess right now, "I'm very angry at DH and at "That Guy" and fantasizing about how much easier life would be if I was on my own" would be a very good way of summing up my thoughts and feelings right now.

So far this week, I'm discouraged.

First of all, I am proud of DH, because he went to the workforce center and actually applied for four jobs! And then....to my shock and amazement, he got an appointment for an interview!!!! I couldn't believe it, and I have to admit, I was a little jealous, since I have applied for TONS of jobs and haven't even gotten a call back.

So anyhow, DH was very excited about his interview. I wasn't so sure, because, again, it was a position that involved more responsibility than I think he can handle...but....

The interview was Monday, at 1pm, an hour away from us. We were in the middle of a snowstorm, so it was probably going to be quite a bit longer than an hour to get there. I woke DH up at 10am. And 10:01, 10:02, up to about 10:15. "Stop poking me!" was the best response I got. "You've got a job interview at 1pm, remember?" And he says, "YEAH. I REMEMBER. WHY ARE YOU WAKING ME UP SO EARLY?" I said, "because I thought you might want to take time to get ready, and because the roads will probably be bad." By this time it was 10:30 and I was pretty crabby. DH said, "Well don't worry about it. I've got it under control." I said, "You sure?" And he said (in a not very kind voice) "YES. STOP WAKING ME UP." So I did.

And you can guess what happened. He woke up at about 1:15pm and has spent the rest of the day beating himself up about it. I'm beyond being mad. I know that if he could've gotten up, he would have....but that's the whole point, isn't it? He can't even get up for one job interview, how is he going to make it to work on time every day? Argh.

And then.....I got home from the library last night, and DH says, "Your old company just called about that job you applied for." I got all excited. Except DH didn't take down a name or a number. "I....think....her name was Amy....?" he said.

It's a major corporation. How am I going to find "Amy"?

I got kind of hopeful, though.....maybe they were calling for a second interview after all????

Anyhow, it was after 5pm, so anyone who could have helped me had gone home for the day. So I was hopeful all night. After all, they wouldn't CALL me to tell me that I didn't get the job, would they?

Yep, they would. And they did. I knew it, and had I gotten something in the mail, I wouldn't have been surprised or disappointed, but that really sucked.

And in the process of trying to find out who "Amy" was, I realized that there are so many things happening to me and around me that are not within my control....I need to figure out what I can change and what I can control, and concentrate on those things.....if I can....

My next therapy appointment is on Feb. 18. We'll see how that goes....

I finally did it.

I figured that since I have some time on my hands, it would be a good time to start counseling for myself. I had my first appointment yesterday. It was kind of awkward, it seemed like the counselor (a lady, younger than me) kept waiting for me to talk, and I'm a quiet person. I told her what's been going on (you all know that), and that I'm feeling stressed out, scared, and overwhelmed. I told her that I try very hard to accept DH's mental illness but that sometimes I can't tell if it's his mental illness that makes him a slug, or if he's just being lazy. I told her that sometimes I resent him for not contributing more, and that I wished we could be a team again, instead of me doing everything or nagging until he does SOMETHING.

But she really didn't have much to say. So I'm not sure about this....but I know you've got to start somewhere. There aren't a lot of counselors/therapists in our area, and I had to find one who wasn't already familiar with our family/situation. I don't know if she's any good. Maybe she's just waiting until I show up in the middle of a crisis so she can help me "get through" it?

I haven't heard back from that interview yet (the one at my old company) but I'm sure it wouldn't be good news anyhow....bleh. I get angry just thinking about it. I know it probably wasn't meant to be, but jeez.....