Thursday, December 4, 2008

Still dealing with the crisis...

Well, this morning I went to school with DD and learned that she had a "very bad day" on Monday in school, too. The counselor said that she had "meant to get a hold of" me, but she hadn't. In fact, she thought that we had come in to talk about DD's day on Monday. I just told her what had happened, and we brainstormed a little to see if we could put a finger on what is happening, and, as near as we can figure, it's something to do with an ongoing issue that DD has had with two other girls.

Apparently those two girls were in church group last night and DD made a lot of threats and made a lot of people concerned. Two adults from the church group called DH after DD was already in bed to express their concerns about how she was acting. I'm always torn when we get calls like that from adults, because I really want to know how she's doing, but I think a lot of people, even though they know intellectually that she has "issues", don't actually recognize those issues when they come to the surface, so it ends up feeling like "you're not doing your job!" And then I feel defensive. I'm trying. I really am.

Anyhow, DD said hurtful things to DH like "I want you gone!" and "I wish you didn't even live here any more, I wish it was just me and Mom!" and "All you ever do is sit around! You never do anything!!! I'm sick of you!!! You're a bad Dad!!!"

I guess you could say that didn't make DH's mental health any better. He is still very hurt and upset about the things she said. I tried reminding him of things she's said to me in the past, but he doesn't remember any of those at all. I reminded him that she's a teenager and that teenagers (and kids in general) can say very hurtful things. I'm worried about how tonite will go with the two of them, as I had to come in to work.

And at about 1pm, DD's school called and they were concerned about her mental health. They were having a tough time calming her down and they thought that if I talked to her, she might feel better. I don't feel like that was particularly successful, but maybe....

Then I guess, when DH talked to his mom and told her what was going on, she said "YOU'VE GOT TO GET RID OF HER, SHE'S NOTHING BUT TROUBLE." (We've had that conversation with her about a zillion times back before DH got sick and before she was really ours, so I kind of expected that from her.) And then I guess he called his brother and his brother told DH "GET RID OF HER. YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME AND ENERGY ON SOMEONE WHO'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE." I have to admit, that lots of times, DD is tough to appreciate. I just wish these people could keep their mouth shut if they don't have anything nice to say. If she was biologically ours, nobody would be telling us that, they might actually be trying to help us, instead. Oh well, no use wasting my time trying to change people who don't understand.

But on the "upside", if there is one, DD's caseworker gave us the number of a "children's crisis line" in a nearby town where, if DD has another meltdown tonite, we can call the hotline, and they will actually send a cnild/adolescent counselor out to our house to diffuse the situation. I hope we don't need it, but it's very nice to have. She hasn't had a crisis like this in a long time. I'm a little nervous about calling home to see how she's doing. I'm worried that DH will lose his cool and the situation will escalate.


perphila said...

How you deal with this and not be in therapy yourself is beyond me....wow.

I think you handled things really well. You did what you could over the phone, came home and went to the closest counslor. All this on no sleep!

Having the child crisis person you can get to come to your house is so great! I know it would be nice if DH could handle things but he really can't. Even if he could, knowing there is support there must be a relief.

You have such patience on how to handle the relatives on this. I would be beside myself. Especially DH's mother. I mean, have you gotten rid of DH because of his behavior? Besides, DD isn't a pet you get rid of when it does something bad. She is a human being. You guys have made the choice to take care of her and the whole "if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all" seems to apply here. Do they even realize by saying those things they actually make things harder for you? DH in "that guy" mode might say something like that he would regret later. I sure you have already thought about that though. You are doing great at holding everything together. Seriously!

Immi said...

Wow, that's a lot to deal with. I hope it's calmer than you're worried about!