Monday, December 29, 2008

Somebody stop me!!!

Hi everyone, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and I also am hoping that 2009 brings wonderful things for all of us....

Christmas was fun, but it should've been "funner". I love Christmas, it's my favorite time of year. I can get very much into the spirit, and things are usually a lot of fun. This year, though, I think all the crap is wearing me down. For example, every year since DH and I have been seeing each other, I have been in charge of "the games".

"The games" evolved because DH and his family would get together to play poker every Christmas Eve. But I, not being much of a poker player, thought that was boring, and so I came up with my "own" games, which are kind of like games that you would play at a wedding or baby shower, with little prizes that were either free samples, or from the dollar store. It's turned into the highlight of the year, and every year I try to come up with new games and some serious and some very wacky prizes. I love that! But this year, I really didn't have the gumption. I went through the motions, and it was fun, but honestly, if someone had said, "Hey, maybe we shouldn't do those games this year", I would've jumped at the chance. And I did all my (what little there was) Christmas shopping online, because I had no time in between snowstorms and work to go anywhere at all. And even my half-a**ed attempts at holiday spirit were really pretty lame. And after it was all over, and I was left with that "Holiday Hangover", where all I wanted to do was sleep all day and all night, I was left asking myself, "What's wrong this year?"

After all, when you consider that my mom had broken her hip last Fall, and DH was not on Lithium back then, and I had less money than I do now, because I am working that extra day this year, it would kind of seem like I should've been more stressed out last year, not this year. I guess maybe things are starting to catch up to me and that's scary when I think about it, because I start wondering how long I can keep doing this....a while, I hope!

Anyhow, there is a bright spot: DH is doing better than he has in ages. I'm almost afraid to write that, I don't want to jinx it. But here's the thing--he's been working hard at taking his meds on a schedule--that is, he is taking his morning meds at about 10:30am, and his nighttime meds, which include the Seroquel that makes him sleep, at about 11pm. With that being the only change, I can say that the changes in DH have been quite remarkable!!!

First off, for Christmas, he gave me coupons, for chores that I don't like to do or don't always have time to do. He thanked me for staying with him, and wrote me a very nice letter, too. So far, I've used 4 coupons. One to fill the feed hopper full of duck food, one to duck and cluck, one to unload groceries, and one to get him up at 8am to go and get a Christmas tree at 50% off (at the day after Christmas sales). And he did all of those chores right away, no complaining. Then, DD got a gift card for Christmas, and DH took her to the store to use it, and he did not buy one single thing!! He told me he looked at a CD, but he decided it was "too expensive"!!! Can you believe that???? No back pain, no discussions as to why it would be better if I would just let him die....DH is shocked by the difference, too--he says he feels like he did five or six years ago, when things really didn't bother him much and he looked forward to each new day--Now how's that for a Christmas present, huh?

Ok, the title. I'm pretty nervous about controlling my expectations when DH is doing so good. Like I've told you, it seems like when DH has a period of "good" time and then he slides back into "That Guy" mode, I'm having a harder time accepting that and I find myself getting more angry and disgusted when I shouldn't be. So even though right now, DH is the best I've seen him in years, I'm afraid to even acknowledge it on some level, because as much as I hope that he can go back to being the wonderful guy I married, so far, history hasn't borne that out. So there's this little fight going on inside me--the part of me that is SO loving this change, the part that remembers that "this is how it used to be", and then there's that part that's (I hate to say cynical, maybe reality-based?) telling me, "Don't worry, it won't last...."

Despite all my ranting and complaining, though, I guess I'm an optimist, because I'm still hopeful. I love him so much, what I would give to have things stay like this forever....


perphila said...

I felt the difference this year from last as well. We had even less but I did more. I was more excited about seeing the kids open presents. I liked finding gifts that we cheap but meant more. It was fun. I just didn't want to bother this year. I did all the decorating and wrapping but something was missing even though I was happy. True I had a lot of blows recently but I did last year too. I know how you feel about that.

I have wondered if it's a stage. A place in the healing process when you are afraid to relax a little. When Sean acts more or less normal for a phone call or two. A few weeks pass without any nasty emails or threats I start to relax then....bang...he does it again. When he does act like the clone again I get really angry and tired of it all. I get mad at myself for letting my guard down. I think in m mind I know he is going to slip and in my heart I want the old guy back who would at least treat me with respect. Maybe there will come a place and time where I can accept the crap when it comes and it won't bother me anymore. You have a DH who is taking meds and is improving. You also are with him everyday to see the ups and downs which can be hard to deal with. What you are saying sounds so familar even though our situations are so different. Things will never be what they were no matter how much we might want that. I think that is what make me upset a lot. Grieving that loss. It's ok to feel mad sometimes. Just trying to recognize what exactly is make us mad is the hard part.

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