Thursday, August 7, 2008

(My) Pride and (possible) Prejudice

Well, I'm ashamed to say it, but today I gave in to something, and I'm still not completely sure if it was the right thing to do or not.

My brother, has offered to pay off one of the big loans that I'm paying on, so that I can have some "breathing room". At this time, he can, apparently, well afford it, but I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing. I'm a grownup, after all, and I shouldn't need a bailout. I really hate the thought of that. So there's the pride. He spent nearly two hours convincing me that it would be ok. I know I didn't get myself into this by being irresponsible or lazy or anything like that, life happens....but it happens to everyone, doesn't it?

When I put it all down on paper, though, I really felt like I had to accept his offer, no matter how I wished I couldn't. There's no money in my miniscule budget for savings, no money for heat, no money for school supplies for DD. But by him paying off this loan, there would be all of that. I could stop putting stuff on my credit card, when there's anything that is not in the "normal" expenses. When I thought of that, it felt really good. But that's not how it's supposed to be done.

I'm trying to be grateful. I'm not actually TRYING, I am very humbled and grateful. For sure.

I hope very much, though, that it doesn't change how my brother views me. (I've never really been concerned about that before, but this is something beyond lifestyle differences, and I know how money can change people.) He made it very clear to me that it is not a loan, it is a gift. I'd like to make a promise to myself, that when things are a little bit easier, I could pay him back anyhow....who knows, maybe by then the tables will be turned.

Until then, though, it's a very strange jumble of feelings that I'm experiencing tonite--gratitude, humility, shame, pride, sadness (that I have to accept), relief...
I'm really not sure how to end this post, but it's been a very strange evening.


Anonymous said...

Oh I do know that feeling when a family member wants to help you out. I think @ this point you should let him help & I'm glad that you are. Like you said maybe one day you can pay him back or even help in out. Isn't that what true family is anyway there for when you need them. I no it's hard due to so many emotions you are feeling now but just think of how great it is that you have a brother that see you need help & wants to be there for you.
Didn't mean to go on, & on.

Lorna said...

I know how you feel, well sort of. My dad had a very large amount of money saved away for us to use as a deposit on a house one day. I was the one the one though that actually asked him if we could use the money to pay off our debt (it was the same amount as the debt)now, as it will be years before we could buy a house of our own anyway, and we were wasting so much money just on minimum payments on our cards. I said we could still save up that amount again by saving less than half of the money being wasted on repayments. I felt bad, and stupid for asking, as we supposed to be grownups and they have bailed us out so many times. I thought he would say no, but he agreed it would be a good idea. Since it was all payed off we seem to have so much more spare cash (well not spare, but we are doing so much better on a much smaller income). It also helps that DH isn't manic spending all the time too! It has made such a difference to us, so the embarassment of taking it has well outweighed the hellish reypayments!

Take the money, don't feel bad and enjoy the breathing space and spare cash. I hope it really helps you out. You are very lucky to have someone who wants to help too.

Take care x x

Grace. said...

Been there. Done that.

My sister is a married but childless banker who makes over seven figures annually. I make umm--considerably less than that.

At two points in my life, she has gifted me with money to help get me through. Both times I paid off a boatload of debt. Both times, I wound up back in the same place a few years later. Both times I intended to pay her back. Both times, that never happened.

Still, I am not sorry I took the money. We are close, and she had the money to give. God knows, I needed it.

What I do wish, in retrospect, is that I had gotten myself educated about debt and savings sooner.

Pann said...

I sympathize. Is your brother just gifting this money to you? Or are you planning to pay him back?

If you are planning to pay him back, maybe it would make you feel better about the whole thing if you make a payment plan of some kind.

Lorna said...

Hi, i made my blog private, but if you send me your email address I will add you as a reader :-)

Mrs. Dreamer said...

I am glad that you have family that can help you out. Remember, an illness struck your family.