Somethings not working.

Well, we got the Abilify approved.  DH started back up on it.  I think we might've expected too much or something, but basically.....nothing happened.  Nothing.

His last paycheck was $65.00.  That's it.  And he now has enough "points" to lose his job, but because they like him, they are trying to give him one last chance.

While he was not on the Abilify, while things were messed up, I didn't expect much, because I knew that things were not going to be right.  It was back to the sitting around all day, nothing getting done, same old, same old...

When the Abilify finally went through, DH had been on a reduced dose of Lithium, and no Seroquel and no Abilify for 2 weeks.  He started back on the Abilify and we both expected positive changes.  But...

The diverticulitis does seem to be cleared up for now.  But he thinks he might be getting yet another cyst.  I'm sure some of these issues may be related to Percocet and/or poorly managed diabetes, but how can I/we get him back to the point where he would be interested in fixing stuff?  For a minute there, when he started taking the Abilify samples, I thought we might be there.....but.....

He sat around.  He did nothing.  As a matter of fact, things are so "out of whack" that DH even completely forgot that he was not out of Percocet and hasn't even been requesting them.   I caught him smoking in the house (even though that was a rule that has been in effect since before we got married, even).  He has completely (again) stopped caring about the Diabetes, even when I remind him of the possible ramifications.  And he's been getting mad at me again when I tell him we can't afford whatever it is that he wants at the moment.

He has a PDOC appointment today at 2pm.  We'll see what the Dr. says.....I know things aren't all that great right now, but I also know they were a lot worse before, too....I've got to be patient....or something.....

Right now I'm wondering how I'm going to make it another 10 days with $11.00 in the bank.  It'll work out somehow, I hope.  It usually does.

DH talks in his sleep

I guess I need to preface this with a couple of things-first, DH has a tendency to talk in his sleep, if it's funny, I tease him about it....secondly, despite how big DH is (about 400 lbs), he is very masculine-looking.  He has a beard and mustache, and basically looks like a massive lumberjack.  Oh--and when it comes to me picking on him, he's a pretty good sport.....With that in mind.....

I got done with my overnight shift at the group home on Sunday morning, 8am, I crawled into bed for a few hours.  DH rolled over and excitedly said "I've got great news!"

Me: (thinking we could sure use some)--What's going on?

DH: Remember those dresses I was sewing?  (um, no?) Well, I just found out that they're one size fits all!!!  They're interchangeable!!!!  They can be worn by cats or humans!!!!!!!!

Me (to myelf): oh brother.  (I'd love to see that).
Me (to DH): Wow, that's great!  Um...were you wearing one of those dresses?

DH: (as if I was really an idiot) Of course!!!!!!!!

Me (trying so very hard to keep a straight face): Oh good!  What did the dress look like?

DH: It was brown, and it had "pirate flaps", you know?  And it had little pink hearts all over it.

The picture of this was just too much.  I burst out laughing and DH woke up.

I asked him what "pirate flaps" were, he told me they are the ruffles on the shirts that pirates wear.

It was like one of those comedy hypnosis shows where the hypnotized people have no clue how silly they're being....

I told DH that I was very glad that the dresses would now fit both humans and cats as now we won't have to buy all the cats new dresses.

He told me he wasn't going to talk to me any more.

:-)

DH's health issues

I mentioned that DH had a cyst and had been warned that the infection from the cyst could spread and if it did, it might necessitate removal of his manly parts.  This was a huge motivator for him to start paying attention to his diabetes (at least until we ran out of Abilify).

After that, though, it's been one thing after another with DH's health (or lack thereof), and I don't know what to think at all.  He's got so many weird health problems it's unbelievable.

After that first cyst, he got one on his tailbone.  Then one under his arm.  Then under his other arm.  Each time required a trip to the E.R. to have the cyst drained and a prescription for Percocet (please do a search on Percocet in this blog to learn about DH's relationship with that drug).  The doctors were baffled and have instructed DH to make an appointment with an infectious disease specialist to find out why all of these cysts.  The doctors keep handing out Percocet like it was candy.

Then of course the back pain is back with a vengeance, probably due to the state of the medications he was and wasn't on.....more trips to the E.R., more Percocet.

Luckily (or not), for quite some time now, DH has recognized on some weird level that he has a problem with Percocet.  So he gives the prescription to me and I keep the pills in my safe and dole them out one at a time. (The safe is now an integral part of my life, it's where I keep everything that DH might be tempted to steal from me--I know that's sad, but at least things don't get stolen any more....) but it kind of sets us up for a power struggle because he ALWAYS wants Percocet, and even though it was prescribed for cysts or back pain, he wants one because he stubbed his toe or whatever.  So it's stressful and I hate it.  But with the doctors pushing this drug at him every time he goes, I haven't come up with a better solution at this moment.

Then last weekend, DH went to work and was sent from work to the E.R. for severe abdominal pain.  Now he has diverticulitis, a painful infection of pouches in his intestine(s).  He didn't go to work all last weekend after that.  He didn't go to work yesterday or today either.  But he is under the belief that if he has a doctor's note, he won't get in trouble.  I hope he's right.  And....you guessed it....even more Percocet.

And the bills.  I cannot believe the hospital bills.  Things are never going to be ok financially for us, we are always going to have a bazillion hospital bills like this, unless DH loses weight, and that isn't going to happen unless I am there to cook every meal and force him to exercise.

I have never known anyone to have this many health issues consecutively like this.  It's crossed my mind that he might be faking it to get the Percocet, but how do you fake a cyst?  And the way he was breathing with the diverticulitis, I don't think you can fake being in pain like that....at least I don't think DH can......

So it's been a frustrating couple of weeks.

Abilify Saga

Not too long after we lost Tippy Toes, DH ran out of Abilify samples that he had gotten from his pdoc.  When he only had a couple of days worth of pills left, he called to get more, and they were out of samples.  So they gave him a prescription to bring to the pharmacy.

Unfortunately the pharmacy informed us that insurance would not pay for the pills, as the price comes out to around $15-20 PER PILL and of course they didn't want to shell that out.  And at $600 per month, there was no way that we could pay for it ourselves....DH's pdoc informed us that he was going to appeal that decision. In the meantime, we just had to wait and see.....

So there we sat.  The pdoc had reduced DH's Seroquel and also his Lithium, in response to DH being on Abilify.  And it had all been working out so good, he was getting out of bed, and what's even better than that, the Abilify had done something to make him less focused on himself and his own wants and needs and more focused on me and us.  And that was huge.  But with no Abilify and less Lithium and Seroquel, things got weird.

DH brought a bunch of stuff to the pawn shop to get money to buy fast food.  He even pawned an antique rifle that his friend Jim (the one who stayed at our house for so long, but who has helped us immensely) owned, it had belonged to Jim's grandfather, and DH pawned it to go to Dairy Queen.

He went to the liquor store and bought beer.

He started laying huge guilt trips on me when I didn't have (or didn't want to part with) the money that he wanted for (candy, ice cream, etc). 

When he had started the Abilify, he had started, for the first time, to check his blood sugar and he had started drinking diet pop (with the added motivation of the possibility of losing manly parts if he didn't).  But when the Abilify stopped, this stopped, too.

It was all very frustrating, because I just kept thinking "I cannot go through this again.  I am just not capable of doing this again."  And DH knew something was wrong (in moments of lucidity), but he was powerless to stop it, and except for those moments of lucidity, he did not see how bad things got so quickly.

It was a very scary time, topping off the loss of Tippy Toes, and very painful to me.

When we got the word that the appeal to the insurance company had been granted, it was a huge relief.  That was just two days ago.  DH had been off of Abilify and on lowered doses of Lithium and Seroquel for about 2 weeks.  He told me that he had even been thinking about trying to get a credit card(!) during that time.

Despite the fact that DH had made the decision(s) to pawn those items while he was "even less right than usual", I was not willing or able to help him unpawn them.  I have had it with bailing him out (at least directly out of my pocket), and I'm done with it.  He wasn't happy with that, but too bad.  He, of course, in his deluded state, had been sure that he could make enough money to get the items out of the pawn shop, and when he started to come back to reality a little, he realized he had made a huge mistake.  He had to come up with nearly $500 to get the stuff back.  Luckily for him (but not really lucky for me so much), just in the nick of time, he found out about a program that the place where he works offers--he could take out a $500 loan, no credit check required, and they would take $25 out of every paycheck until it was paid off.  So that is what he did. 

I'm so very tired of this pawn shop stuff.  I sat him down and we wrote up a contract that states that he will not bring any items (no matter who they belong to) to the pawnshop without talking it over with me first.  And he signed it.  I guess whether he sticks to it is dependent on where his mental health is at any given time, but usually, for DH, no matter his mental state, a promise is a promise, and breaking it is a big deal.  So I'm hoping, but being realistic about it, too.

The one good thing that came out of this (if you can call it good) is that for all the times DH has wondered if maybe he should just go off all of his meds because he really was a lot better when he was off them, well, this little experience showed us how things could go bad really fast without proper medication.

Tragedy at the Kitty House (warning--extremely sad)

Well everyone, this event was kind of what started off my non-blogging streak.  I have so much wanted to share it with you, but the pain was so raw, I really couldn't bring myself to.  But somehow I was "stuck" on it, and felt like it was so important, I had to put it in here.  But I couldn't.

DH, on his new Abilify, was out of bed and (wonder of wonders), doing laundry.  I was sleeping (I go to bed at about 9pm on nights when I don't have to work at the group home).  I was happy.  More like thrilled.  DH was trying, and he was helping.

At about 2am DH woke me up, panicked.  "Carol, it's Tippy Toes, she's in the dryer".  I was asleep, so it didn't register with me at first.  "Carol, Tippy Toes is dead."

Tippy Toes, one of the more adventurous and mischievous kitties, and also a slender and dainty little girl, had somehow gotten into the dryer while DH had the dryer door open but was not paying attention.  DH had loaded up the dryer with a full load of wet clothes and run the dryer.

He heard strange noises, and opened the dryer to check, but didn't see anything unusual, so he started it back up.  He didn't find her until the load was done.

OMG, OMG.....it was surreal.  I couldn't bring myself to imagine what she must've gone through.  And DH, he was absolutely beside himself with guilt.  I tried to tell him that it could have just as easily been me, but he was just despondent.  And I can honestly say that I was, too.  In shock, disbelief.

I've been aware of the danger of cats and clothes dryers for years.  And in all those years, I've never even had a concern, as our cats never seemed interested in the dryer until Tippy Toes. 

We both cried and cried and remembered her and felt awful.  I felt awful, and DH felt worse.  I've never lost a cat to a preventable accident before, it's much more heartbreaking than losing one to cancer or kidney failure--oh the guilt. 

And the dryer.  I can barely bring myself to use it.  And DH hasn't touched it since.  We are looking for a new dryer on Craigslist (a free or extremely cheap one) because of the association of the current dryer, and because it doesn't run right any more now.

I buried Tippy Toes in the back yard.  DH couldn't bear to be a part of burying her.  He still can't think about her without tearing up.  I'm crying as I write this.

R.I.P. Tippy Toes, we loved you very much, and we're so sorry.

 

Apology

Um...hi, it's me......I think I owe you an apology.  No, I'm certain of it.  I have no excuse really, but for a myriad of small reasons and nothing I can really point a finger at, I have not been updating this blog.  And I have so much to tell all of you......I guess I get in these "ruts" where I put it off for a while and then starting back up (like this) is hard, so I put it off some more.....anyhow, I'm sorry.  You don't deserve to be treated like that.

I've missed you all.  I hope you can forgive me.

Ok, something's up here......

DH just called to tell me that he made an appointment to go to physical therapy for his back.

What the???!!!!

Basically every doctor in town has told him that he needs to go, but after more than three years he's made exactly one appointment (at my behest) and attended that and never went back.

But he called and set up the appointment himself.  I absolutely cannot believe it.

Maybe the med changes are a good thing.....?  (Or maybe he's feeling good about taking care of his diabetes and it's overflowing?) I don't know, but I'll sure take it!

Med Changes are Scary

Well, DH has been VERY good this week about monitoring his blood sugar and avoiding overtly sweet things, like non-diet pop, candy, etc.  Better than I ever imagined he could be--teehee.  He still is having a tough time recognizing that things like white flour can be bad, too.  But he's just beginning to take this seriously, so I guess it'll come.  He's been checking his blood sugar twice a day, writing it down, when it's higher than usual he's wondered out loud what he did wrong....and he hasn't taken the class yet, but he wants to (it just hasn't started yet).  It's so refreshing to see him taking care of himself, even minimally--I don't even care that he's doing it to preserve his "man parts" and not because he wants to be healthy--whatever motivates him!

And he went to his PDoc.  Explained about the lack of initiative, the complete lack of motivation, the missed work, how a few times on days off he didn't get out of bed all day except to smoke (of course), and the PDoc thought things were bad enough where he wanted DH to check himself into the hospital where the PDoc is on staff so that DH could be monitored closely and kept safe.  DH didn't want to do that,  because he would likely lose his job, so he said no.  So the PDoc made some med changes.

DH is no longer on Seroquel at all (he was taking 150mg at bedtime).  I remember when the PDoc started DH on Seroquel and how it was the first medication that started to change DH's out-of-control manic behavior.  At the time it felt like a miracle drug.  So thinking about DH not taking it any longer......well, that terrifies me, because while things are bad right now as far as him being lazy, unmotivated and whiny, things were so very much worse back at the time when the Seroquel was first prescribed.  And to help DH be more energetic, the PDoc prescribed Abilify.  I don't remember if he was on that before or not, but it all scares me--I guess I'd rather deal with "the devil I know" as opposed to "the devil I don't know"!

So far, I'm not sure if it's the fear of losing his "man parts" or the Abilify, or the lack of Seroquel, or a combination of all three, but DH did a load of laundry, folded it, put it away, fixed the dryer, and made an appointment with the eye doctor without me even saying a word.  So something's definitely better.  Now my question is.....for how long?  If it's just the "fear of losing man parts" causing the motivation, I suspect a lot of the motivation will wear off soon, although the motivation to be careful about the diabetes might remain.  If it's the med changes that are helping, well, WOW!  I'll remain cautiously optimistic for now.

So far I haven't seen "That Guy" yet.  That doesn't mean he's not around, and I keep expecting him to pop up--but so far, so good.  Sometimes it's a tough call as to whether I would rather be married to DH who is somewhat motivated but "That Guy" shows up regularly, or would I rather be married to an unmotivated, lazy DH?  Tough call.  I'd much prefer a somewhat motivated DH with no "That Guy".  I wonder if it can be done?