I'm falling apart.

First, I need to tell you about our doctor's visit. The doctor doesn't seem to think that what is going on with my mom is a "natural progression" either. So even though all the tests say otherwise, he put her on some more antibiotics, in case there is still a UTI or other infection that is not being picked up by the tests. And he re-upped her Aricept, which is an Alzheimer's drug. When my mom first started on Aricept a couple of years ago, we saw an immediate improvement, even though we had been told by the doctor that the drug isn't supposed to be able to improve things, it just slows down the progression. Then when she was in the hospital in January of this year, they doubled her Aricept dose, but that didn't do much. And when she was having so much trouble in the hospital in June, they thought that maybe she was getting too much Aricept for her system, so they brought it back down again. Now the doctor is raising it again. He also did a bunch of lab tests that they don't do on a regular basis, but for various things that can cause confusion (or delirium, as he called it). He said it is possible that it is a natural progression, but he doesn't typically see it happen this quickly. So since I'm not all that confident in the Aricept, I'm really hoping the antibiotics will do some good. I have to call the doctor on Thursday and tell him what I'm seeing, and he will decide what our plan is from there. I like him, he's a really compassionate and thorough doctor.

Last night my mom called my brother and told her that the people on TV were invading her apartment, so she was telling them off and she needed help. I have been trying to tell him how weird she's been, but I don't think he really believed me until that. And he was very disturbed. But not disturbed enough to come up and help. I shouldn't say that, I know he's busy too, but sometimes I do get a little resentful. I'll get over it.

In the meantime, my mom told me today that "I think Thor (her elderly cat) has a girlfriend." I asked her what made her think that. She said, "Well, there was this bowl full of food, and I don't know where it came from. And he went over there and ate a lot of it." (How she got a girlfriend out of that, I'm not sure, but it was cute.) I said "well, I'm glad she can cook." And then I told her about my cat Ninja, who, when the food bowl is empty, will climb up onto the counter and rip open the bread and snack on that. She laughed and laughed. That was great, she hasn't done much laughing lately, and it was nice to be able to say something that would make her laugh.

So anyhow, more about me. I just realized that our garbage didn't get picked up this week. And there's only one reason for that and it's "Carol didn't pay the bill." And I'm so embarrassed. I'm going to have to go in there on Monday and pay it...That means the truck payment will be later than usual, because I'll have to take the garbage money out of that...I always put the garbage bill in the "Pay it when I can" pile, because I can't pay that one on line. I have no idea how late I am/was. I don't remember getting a recent bill. But things have been so crazy, I might've gotten it and not even realized. It's getting where I'm avoiding the mailbox because I feel like I just can't think about all the juggling I do to keep things afloat. I just can't do it. So I ignore it. Not a good solution, but maybe since I'm telling you this, I'll recognize how pathetic that is and get on the ball. At the very least, I should call some people and tell them that the payment is coming, just not right away....

And then I went to put gas in my car. I was doing pay at the pump, and my credit card was declined. I knew I was close to the limit, but I was kind of surprised that I was already there. Luckily, I had the other credit card. (I know it's not god to use a credit card and I know that it's bad news when your card is maxed out, but there are so many bills that often after I get paid, then pay all the bills, there's no money left for gas, etc.....DD's child support has been really sporadic in the last two months....I usually get $300 a month, but last month we only got $6, and this month we only got $3. I don't know what's been happening, but I've been relying on the credit card(s) to make ends meet.

When stuff like this happens, I really feel like I'm not doing a very good job of holding things together. I keep telling myself I've just got to make it 'til spring, and then we'll finally have "wiggle room" (when the damn truck is finally paid off). But when things get this close to the edge like this, I go into panic mode and think I'm not going to make it until spring. I hate feeling out of control financially. I just hate it. I'm not like this. I'm the "saver" in the family. Unfortunately, there's not much left over to save.....but I still try. I feel like I'm losing control. And I still don't know where the propane money is going to come from. I guess what I'll try to do is get the tank filled around Thanksgiving, and use wood as much as possible. Last year I think we turned on the furnace on Dec. 3 or 4? And we kept the thermostat at 58. If we wanted the house warmer than that, we had to use the fireplace. It's a high-efficiency fireplace and it puts out a lot of heat, so the only reason we really need propane is to keep the pipes from freezing when we aren't home to keep the fire going. But the propane...they won't deliver less than 200 gallons, so that's at least $400. I'm just trying not to think about it.