Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I'm struggling

Well, DD is home, she came home on Sunday. I have to say that although I thought she was somewhat contrite, her attitude still sucks and I am still having a tough time coming to terms with this whole situation. The hospital recommended "family therapy" with a therapist that does not know me, DH, or DD, but in our rural area, there are only two therapists qualified for this type of therapy, and both are booked out to the end of November. So really, I guess, back to the same old thing.

And my mom. She seemed to be getting better, then yesterday she started to be more confused again. She didn't know who my brother was, didn't know where the bathroom was, told my brother she'd been "up walking around the apartment for hours", although she told him that she had just come back from supper....and it was more of the same today...so I spent the day at the clinic again, hoping that her UTI was back, because that is/was fixable. But nope. They couldn't find anything wrong. They checked her urine, a chest Xray, bloodwork, and an EKG and all came up normal. So what do I think?

I finally, for the very first time, allowed myself to think about the fact that it's probably time for her to move to a nursing home. There's no way she could live at my house, with DD so unstable and the house is only a 2 bedroom....and I work all the time....the nursing home is going to be the only choice. And if there is no medical reason for what we're seeing, well, she can't keep living where she's at. I keep trying to comfort myself by thinking that "if she's confused like this, chances are that the nursing home won't be that big of a change for her", but I'm wrong on that, I know that even if she can't verbalize it, it's not home and is going to suck. When I think about it, I get really really scared. And kind of relieved, too. And panicky. And sad. And guilty. And relieved.

We're going to try to wait a week and see what happens. She has a Dr. appt on Nov. 6, so we'll see what he has to say. I know we're very lucky that my mom has lived where she does for such a long time....the staff are so fond of her, and they don't want her to leave either, so they'll do whatever they can to keep her there....so I think that even if this next week is tough on them, they'll wait to see what the Dr. says....maybe he can change a med and make a difference....I sure hope so....

It's just getting to be too much. I don't have time to recuperate between crises any more. I'm so emotional, and I'm turning into this frustrated angry person I don't like very much. I think I'm starting to accept the fact that unless things stabilize soon, the options are limited.

I hate this. It's so much harder than the books make it out to be. I never imagined.

P.S. DH got his rejection letter from Social Security for his disability claim.


perphila said...


I wish I could be of more help to lift some of your burdens....:(

I was thinking about the family therapy. I would call the two ppl in your area and tell them about your situation. Since DD just came out the hospital they might be able to see you sooner. Especially if you have a recommendation that this is needed from the doctors at the hospital. If not then at least get on the waiting list. Also, this may might not be suitable for a family situation but for yourself think about looking at the online therapy options. Being rather isolated myself I know how hard it is to see a doctor with availability as well as find the time when you have to add in transportation time. It would take a little time to research to find someone right for you but it's an option and they take insurance. There is the down side of not meeting face to face and the therapist maybe missing out on body language but it's better than nothing. You can do it in live chat, email or even video cam and the costs are the same as live sessions. It could be something to shore you up while you wait for a family slot to open up.

As far as the Social Security goes it's not a shock it was denied. Most claims are denied the first time anyway. Sometimes more than once. You need to get a lawyer who specializes in SS and have them advocate for DH to see a different doctor. You have a good claim of him being biased due to his former speciality. Don't freak about it being denied yet. I know it's disappointing though. The timing could be better.

I think you are wise to see the doctor first before making any big decisions about your mom. It's great you have the support of the staff there when things are so uncertain right now. For the moment try and not go over the what if's and cross that bridge if you need to when you get to it. You don't need that extra stress right now. If you do have to move your mom I know you will be there for her every step of the way. You knew this would happen at some point if not right now. When it does happen she will be in a safe place. Change is never easy even if you are prepared for it. I know it will be hard on your mom. I will send her some prayers.

One other thing you said really gave me pause. Feeling like the tough times and awful situations are making you change into a angry person. I know that feeling. In my own situation I have felt like I was becoming a bitter or angry person. I felt I was more jaded and suspicious towards ppl and wondering when I met new ppl how they were going to hurt me instead of what they had as ppl to offer. It is scary to see things like that in yourself. It's a good thing though to be able to even see them in the first place. For myself I felt I had to just make a choice. I knew, know I have been forever changed. It's called life experience and it sucks. What do I with it? I gave myself permission to be angry when I need to but I know who I want to be. What I liked about myself and am choosing to stick with it. I know full well that means I might get hurt again. You are doing so amazingly well. Really. Just take things one step at a time, one second at a time if you need to. It's ok to feel upset with everything going on. You are a remarkably strong woman. Every one in your life is lucky to have you in it...:)

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry. Everything seems very overwhelming. Keep breathing.....slow steady breaths. I'll be thinking of you.