Sex and the Bipolar Hubby--adult topic, sorry!

I need to talk to someone about this, and, this blog seems to be where I do the talking......so.....DH.  He's not working, as we all know....basically, he sits in a chair all day and watches movies.  He doesn't clean the house, doesn't fix anything that needs fixing (and he does know how to fix stuff), doesn't do much at all.  If he's not sleeping, he'll let the dogs out.  And unless I nag him, that's all he does.  If I do nag him, he might bring the garbage down to the end of the driveway.  Or maybe transfer clothes from the washer into the dryer.  But he NEVER folds the clothes or puts them away.    It's the same ol', same ol'.

With that said, I know it's been going on a long time.  I'm not in denial any more, for sure.  The way things are is pretty much how things are going to be from here on out.  I'm sure of it.  If I want things to change, well, I can't hope things will get better "someday".  They aren't going to.  I am going to have to make the changes or quit griping about the things I don't like.  With that said, I'm kind of tied to the chair as far as changes go for right now.  There is no wiggle room in the budget to allow me to save a little for a "new life for Carol" fund.  Our house is way underwater, even if you somehow managed to overlook all the broken stuff.  And even if I decided that foreclosure was the way to go, well, the animals are my family, too, and who on earth would rent to a "family" like this?  I do have "someday" hope, though.  Two of the dogs are elderly.  Several of the cats are elderly.  This won't be the situation forever.  Someday I'll be able to move, with or without DH.  I hope things get better, I really do.  But my tentative plan is to make changes that make things easier for me, and then if I can fit DH into those changes, well, I'm ok with that, as I did marry him "in sickness and in health".  But I'm extremely tired of living like this.  Probably that's a whole 'nother post.

Which brings me to this:  DH and I no longer see eye-to-eye as far as um....marital privileges are concerned.  As far as I'm concerned, there are a lot of reasons why I'm absolutely not interested any more.  Starting with "he's not attractive", but that really is the least of it.  I can see with my heart and not my eyes, so his physical beauty or lack thereof would not even be an issue if there weren't these other issues. He's not a "partner" to me, he's a piece of the furniture on a good day.  We aren't a team any more, I'm doing it all and just supporting him.  I work 60 hours a week, and if you add in commute time, it's well over 80.  My mom has Alzheimer's and he doesn't go to see her, even with me.  Basically, the way I see it, in the "give and take" of marriage, he's just taking.  And I'm just giving.  Very unbalanced.  Yet, he just doesn't seem to get it.

Some nights it just feels like "one more chore".   Other nights, it seems like "I went to work today, I got groceries, I visited my mom, I set up appointments.....I made sure there was something for supper....and you sat in a chair.  And you want me to do more.  To make you feel good.  Not a chance."  And then there's the whole partner thing.  I don't feel like he's my partner.  He doesn't go out of his way to make me happy.  But he expects me to do that.  And for the most part, I do.  And it makes me angry just typing this.  Because it really shouldn't come down to "what's in it for me?".  But it feels like there's already so little in it for me that asking me to give more is just futile.  And he gets all hurt when I am not interested.  I've tried to explain it before.  I just don't really know how to do it well without saying hurtful things.  So I just keep refusing.  I don't even want him to see me in any state of undress any more, because I'm afraid he'll think it's an invitation (he has before).  But this hurts his feelings too.  But unlike other issues we've had in the past, I stand my ground, probably because I just can't bring myself to be ok with it any more.

I admit to feeling rather discouraged lately.  I'm not sure why, really--nothing has gotten worse (but nothing is better either).  There's no end to this in sight unless I create one.   I'm tired.  I've been doing this for over 5 years now, and things are not much different than when I started, except that I've taken steps to control things that I can control.  I'm not getting younger.  I don't have a life except for my animals, and I don't even have time to enjoy them like I should.    I'm trying to be supportive, but nobody's supporting me.  That sounds kind of selfish to me, when I think about the fact that if he had Alzheimer's, I wouldn't expect him to do anything more than what he's doing now (or not doing), so maybe my problem (once again) isn't DH, it's the mental illness....?  And the fact that I don't really know how much is laziness and how much is mental illness.....well....thanks for listening....

This is what I want when I get old

A Dutch village dubbed "The Truman Show" for dementia patients is getting praise from Alzheimer's experts in the U.S.
The tree-lined streets of Hogewey, a tiny village at the edge of Amsterdam, boast shops, restaurants, a movie theater and a hairdresser. Its 23 apartments are carefully crafted to feel like home to 152 residents.
But Hogewey is not a real village; it's a nursing home.
"Our director compared it to a theater," said Isabel van Zuthem, Hogewey's information officer. "The frontstage is what all the residents experience as a normal way of living, their normal home. But backstage, we are a nursing home. Everything is arranged to give all residents all the care they need. But they feel like they're living a normal life, and that's what we think is very important."

To read the rest of this story, click below:
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/AlzheimersCommunity/alzheimers-disease-dutch-village-dubbed-truman-show-dementia/story?id=16103780

Happy Easter

Well, here we are, Easter again.  I'm going to head over to the nursing home at noon to have Easter dinner with my mom.  I'm not bringing DH this time because when I do, he just makes a point of making sure I know he's miserable there--that really really bugs me, because my mom really likes him and he never wants to go see her--but I guess really, it's just one more thing that I wish he would do that he doesn't.

Things here have been pretty uneventful lately--DH is still on the lower dose of Lithium, "That Guy" sometimes seems to be waiting in the wings (DH sometimes gets irritated easier than he used to) but hasn't made a full appearance yet.....DH is still not working.  His nights and days are all messed up.  He "goes to bed" at the same time as me, about 9pm, then by 1am, he is up again.  Then he goes back to bed a few hours later and does it again.  I'm actually a little concerned (but not a whole bunch).  I bought him a frozen pizza because I was so proud of the changes he's made as far as spending--I thought he deserved a treat.  That was almost a week ago now, and he still hasn't eaten it--that's weird.  Very weird.

DH has gone to get the free food a couple of times now, and it helps a lot!  Our grocery bill has gone way down.  Aside from that, he barely leaves home.  Actually, he barely leaves his chair in the living room :-(  but he's not constantly asking me to buy him stuff, not complaining that the generic stuff we have isn't any good, etc....he's been very accepting and that's strange too.  But a very good kind of strange, because it does take some stress off of me. 

My mom still calls me "Donna Mae".  I asked her one night, "Do you remember how you and I met?" (I was trying to figure out who Donna Mae was to her) but she couldn't remember.  So I just said "It seems like we've known each other forever!" And she agreed.

Well, aside from that, things have been pretty boring.  I go to work every day, come home, see my mom, take care of the animals, and go to bed.  There hasn't been much drama.  I'm ok with that.  But it doesn't make for a very interesting blog, does it?

Side Effects

Well, things were going comparatively well.  For a time.  DH was remembering to go to his appointments, taking his pills, cleaning the house--in fact, the house was cleaner than it's probably been in a year.    I was thinking that it might have been an ok tradeoff, if DH not working was the cause of all the new positives.  But no matter what, apparently, the phrase to remember is....."Be careful what you wish for."

I'm not complaining about the "new and improved" DH.  And I'm not saying that he's so improved that I can't stand it (we were actually at that point for a brief period, while he was manic and undiagnosed, but we aren't there now).  What I'm talking about is the fact that our budget has been cut to the bone.  I thought it was tight before, now it's unbelievable.  And DH still says he wants to find a job.  Who am I to object?  Any amount of income he could possibly bring in would help us big time, right?

So, DH has been meeting with the people from the organization that finds jobs for people with mental illness.  I'm very impressed with the fact that he hasn't missed an appointment with them.  Unfortunately, between DH's memory problems, there aren't a lot of things that they can be sure that he could handle.  But that's not the worst of it.....the lead job counselor there called DH's pdoc and told him that "DH is NEVER going to find any job anywhere, as long as his hands shake like they do.  Any employer sees that, and that'll be it." 

So now, DH's pdoc, who does not think that DH should work anyhow, but of course doesn't want to stand in his way if he needs to work or wants to work.....has been cutting back on DH's Lithium, as it is believed that the tremors are a side effect of that drug.  I've been surprised that DH is not having the mood swings yet and he hasn't had a lot of racing thoughts either.  I think DH is surprised too.  He's down to half the amount of Lithium he was on when this experiment began.

However, with every decrease in the Lithium, and I don't even know for sure that it's more than a coincidence, DH has been slipping into more lethargy again.  He sits in his chair and does nothing all day.  Nothing.  Some days he only even eats one meal--and for a guy his size, that's not a normal thing.  He just sits there.  When I ask him questions, he responds appropriately, but then an hour or two later he can't remember what we talked about at all.  It's like having an extra piece of furniture around.  And it seems to coincide with the decrease in Lithium.

DH's pdoc has also started DH on Inderol, which is a blood pressure medication that is supposed to help with the tremors.  So far, the tremors seem to have decreased, but are still very noticeable.  I'm starting to be concerned that the tremors might be a permanent thing.  That's kind of scary.  I know I'd much rather take the hand tremors any day, as opposed to how crazy things were before DH started on the Lithium.....but still....DH can't carry a bowl of soup from the microwave to the table without spilling it.  When he eats with silverware, the tremors often cause his food to fall off the fork or spoon.  And writing is nearly impossible.  I need to find out more information on what to expect.  I'm concerned.  Probably I should've been concerned a long time ago, as the tremors have been going on for a long time, but nobody else was concerned (meaning the pdoc), and I was just so happy that the Lithium was helping so much......

And now that his Lithium has been lowered so much, I'm worried about the lethargy, but also worried that "That Guy" might come back when I least expect him.  And that would really suck.

Donna Mae

I haven't written much about my mom lately, and I guess that's a good thing.  For the most part, she is stable.  In fact, the hospice people are questioning whether they can keep her in the hospice program, because physically, well, she's not really deteriorating much.  She hasn't lost weight, is eating small amounts again, and is accepting her medications again.  I hope that she can stay in the hospice program (although that's kind of bittersweet) because I think that all the attention and pampering from them is helping her.  But I should be happy that things are stable and not WANT her to be in hospice....sometimes this stuff is really confusing.

I still stop by every night after work to see her.  I know that she has a hard time recognizing people, so I usually say "Hi Mom, it's Carol."  and she usually says "Oh, hi Carol."  But I never really knew, for the longest time, if she knew who "Carol" is, in relation to her.

One night we were chatting, though, and she told me she was a hundred and fifty years old.  I decided to take the plunge and I asked her "Do you have any children?" and she said yes.  I then asked her "Do you have boys or girls?" and she said "I have one son."  And I said "No daughters?" And she said "No, I always kind of wanted a daughter, but I never got one." (That was sad for me.)

So then I got really curious as to who she thought I was.  "You're Donna Mae, right?"  me: "no, I think that must be someone else, my name is Carol."  mom: "NO IT ISN'T.  YOU'RE DONNA MAE."  me: "You know, I think you might be right!"

Now I have no idea who Donna Mae is or was.  My mom has never mentioned anyone by that name.  But it appears that I am Donna Mae now.  If I ask my mom if she remembers who I am, she always perks up and says "Donna Mae!"  (and of course I tell her she's right).  It does get more confusing with the staff of the nursing home, because they know me as "Carol, Esther's daughter."  So they ask my mom if "Carol" is coming tonite, and she responds as if I have never existed.  They ask her if her daughter is coming, she says "I don't have a daughter."  (yikes)

One night, I stopped by and a worker was reading some stories to the residents.  There wasn't enough room for me to sit next to my mom without disrupting everyone, so I sat on the other side of the room and listened.  When the worker finished reading, she pointed to me and said "Esther, you've got a visitor, do you know who that is?" and of course, my mom said, really loud "Yes, that's Donna Mae."  And the worker started to correct her, but I shushed her and explained in private what was happening.

Occasionally she asks me (Donna Mae) how my mother is doing.  I believe that she sees Donna Mae as a dear friend.  I always tell her "oh, she's looking forward to Spring." or "Oh, she said to tell you hi."  My mom always likes it when Donna Mae's mother passes a message on to her through me.  But it's sad, just the same.

The best thing(s) about being Donna Mae, however, are that she "knows" me again and likes/loves me.  She tells me "You're such a good friend, I feel like we've known each other forever!"  And when I tell her I love her, she says "I love you" back to me (for a time she would not tell me she loved me, because, as she explained, she could not say that to someone she did not know), so it's kind of a trade off.

I get to be Donna Mae, who she loves.  But Carol appears to be gone forever.

Insurmountable

This past week we got, for the first time this winter, over a foot of new snow.  I called in to work on Wednesday--there was no way I was going to be able to drive 50 miles in that, then hope that the bus I catch is on time, too, or if it was even going to make it to the bus stop at all.  All morning, DH would get up, have a "snack" and "take a nap".  Finally, I asked him if he was going to plow our driveway so that I could get to work the next day.

He tried to procrastinate, after all, it was only 1pm.  I told him I needed it done ASAP.  I didn't really, but I suspected by this time that he wasn't exactly motivated to do it, so it could take a while.

I watched from the window as he went into his shed to air up one of the tires on the 4-wheeler.  About a half hour later, he came out and from what I could see, was just sitting on the back of the 4-wheeler.  Not moving at all.

After another half hour, he came inside and said the battery was dead.  I suggested he bring the battery in the house to warm up--no, the battery is too hard to get out.  I asked about his battery charger--no, the clamps are too big to charge that battery.  He had this "the world is ending and there's absolutely no getting out of it" air.  I told him that I was going to call someone to come and plow us out (and at the same time thinking "how much money could I get if I sold that 4-wheeler?).  When I really started looking in the phone book, he went back outside with that "I am the saddest, most abused person in the universe because my wife expects me to plow this driveway and it's just not possible" attitude.  He came in five minutes later and reported that he got it started.  He went back out to plow.

I watched from the window.  Once again, for about a half hour, I observed no movement, just DH sitting there on the 4-wheeler.  He was just sitting there.  Then he came in and, with that same "the world is ending" air, he told me that the 4-wheeler was stuck.  (and from his tone of voice, it was stuck with Super Glue and would never ever be unstuck again.)

Again I went through some possible solutions.  Did you rock it? (yes) (I didn't see any of that though).  Do you have any friends who could pull it out with their trucks? (no) (I had canceled the insurance on DH's truck to save money, and right now it has no brakes) Can I help push? (no, stuck too bad).  Can we put something under the wheels? (I don't have anything.)  I was pretty frustrated by this time.  I told him we needed to find a solution fast, because I could not call in to work two days in a row for a snow storm that had already been plowed away everywhere but our driveway.  I asked him "If you were living in your hometown, way up North, and this happened, what would you do?"  And right away he said "I'd get a shovel and dig it out and put the chains on."

What I want to know is why this solution was only possible to him if he pictured himself in a different place and time?  Mental illness is strange, for sure.  The driveway got plowed.

When he came back in, I was setting up his meds for the week.  I thanked him for doing the plowing.  He asked me if I'd seen "That Guy" around lately, as his PDOC had made some adjustments to his meds.  I said no, actually, what I had seen, for the most part was very good compared to when DH was working.  But then I added, "I do notice that it seems like when you're confronted with a problem, it's um....very difficult for you to see solutions, it's.......and DH piped in: "It's like a minor problem becomes insurmountable."

Yes, that's it.  And DH, although he couldn't apparently do much about it, had the insight to recognize that.

Ok, this is going to be tough. But I'm hoping I'm up to it.

We found out that DH is not eligible for unemployment due to his pending disability appeal.  "You can't tell the unemployment people you're ready, willing and able to work, and at the same time, tell the disability people that you're not capable of working."  Anyhow, it might be legal to get unemployment, but it could potentially make a mess out of whatever is left of the appeal.  It's too big of a risk, of course.  If DH could get disability, I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs any more.  And right now, the ONLY way I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs.  My full time job pays for the mortgage ($900/mo), our health insurance ($420/mo) and my gas to get there ($400-$500/mo).  That's it.  No food, no clothes, no cat/dog food, car insurance, electricity, phone or heat.  So....as long as I like having those things, the second job is not an option right now.  In fact, we're back to ends not meeting again.

I dropped the insurance on DH's pickup truck.  I'm dropping the internet service at the end of the month.  DH is rolling his own cigarettes (still) and eating cheap food at home.  He's not complaining at all, and that makes things so much easier.  I'm toying with dropping some phone service, but it's hard to decide what to do.  We each have cell phones.  Mine is important to me because I'm on the road so much.  His is important to me because he's been suicicidal in the past and I feel like I need to have a way to get in touch with him if/when things are bad.  But the land line.....I need that in case I'm in the house and my cell phone doesn't get a good signal that day...what if my mom had an emergency and they couldn't get a hold of me?  Still struggling with all of this.  We already don't have TV of any kind, so cutting out cable/satellite isn't an option.  Oh, and DH has agreed to go to the free food distribution again (we did this when Jim was living with us and it helped a lot, but DH hated it because he was always so afraid that someone would recognize him.)

I'll hopefully be getting a raise (about $40 every 2 weeks) from my full time job in about 4 months.  I'm hoping we can hang on til then.  I guess, if gas gets too high, like they're talking about, I can stay at my friend's house in the City.  But as I've said before, I don't always trust DH to be able to care for all the animals correctly.  It's an option, though.....better (maybe, anyhow) than losing the house.

Selling the house is not an option.  The house is valued at 1/3 of the mortgage right now, and even that may be high, what with the roof issues etc.  And compared to rents, it's really not that high.  I can't move into an urban area with these animals, and I won't abandon them or "find good homes for them."  They are my family members too, and I need to keep that in mind when I make plans.

The last resort, of course, might be bankruptcy.  I hope it doesn't come to that.  I'm going to look into the new programs for refinancing under water mortgages, and if I can do that, it might all be possible. We'll just have to cross our fingers.  I've done it before, but in hindsight, I have no idea how--I guess I'll have to operate on the same blind faith that got me through this the last time.

This may shock you.

Well, DH had almost a week of being the exact person I married.  Helpful, considerate, frugal, honest....and then, well, I'm not quite sure what happened.  I'm inclined to believe his story since the ending is rather amazing, but I honestly don't know what to believe any more when it comes to stuff like this.

The thing that foiled it?  Probably my car.  I had to get my brakes fixed in my car as they were grinding badly and I had managed to save up the money to get them fixed  (since DH got a paycheck 2 weeks ago, this is really the first pay period where he hasn't gotten paid, so we aren't hurting much worse than usual yet).  DH volunteered that I could take his car to work.  So I did.  While I was at work, DH called me to say "hi", which he used to do all the time, but since he's been sick, he hasn't bothered.  He told me he had pain in his hip.  I told him to take Advil.  He didn't.  Then, right around the time I was leaving, DH called and said that he had gone in to the E.R. for his hip pain and they had prescribed him Percocet and could I please pick it up on the way home?  To me it came across as very sneaky.  I determined that he had attempted to do this without my knowledge and, in fact, would have, except for the fact that I had his car and his "Benny" card (flexible spending card that can only be used to pay for prescriptions) was in the car.  Since he has no job, and I had the Benny card, he had no way to pay for the Percocet so he had to 'fess up.  Of course he said that was not the case, but it was pretty obvious to me.

So we went through another few days of me being the Percocet police.  I kept the Percocet in my safe, he asked me for them when he "needed" them.  This is because of the times before this when he took nearly the whole bottle at once to get a better "effect".  If you have only started reading recently, please do a search on "Percocet" and learn about this never-ending battle.

He didn't seem to notice, but his "pain" moved around.  First it was his left hip, then it was his right hip, then (of course) it was his back......and he needed Percocet for all of those.  When I asked him what he'd done to help alleviate the pain prior to taking Percocet (heating pad, Ibuprofen, muscle relaxer pills), the answer was always "nothing".  I was pretty disgusted and I told him so.  I told him that things were going to go back to being just like they've been.  And that I was running out of patience.  He continued to ask for his Percocet, I went to bed.  Same thing happened the next night after work, as soon as he saw me he needed more.  I got very angry, told him "I don't care any more, do what you want." And went to bed feeling like a huge burden was off of my shoulders.  (Really, though, it's a whole 'nother post, but I've kind of been turning more towards "I'm going to live my life and if you want to tag along, well, fine, but I don't care if you don't like it."

The next day I had taken the day off for a meeting at the nursing home.  DH approached me and said that he had been thinking about things.  I figured he'd come up with some new excuse.  What he did say was: "You are right.  I do have a Percocet problem.  I can go all day long without one, but as soon as I know you're home, I come up with all sorts of pains.  I will tell you anything to get some.  If I know it's in the house, I'm going to want it and I'm not going to stop until it's gone.  I want you to get rid of the rest of the pills."  I asked him if he was sure.  "Yes, if I know they are there, I won't leave you alone until I've found a "reason" to take them all." I asked him if he wanted to watch me dispose of them so he knew for sure that they would no longer be in the house.  At first he said "no", but then he changed his mind.  I know you're not supposed to flush them any more, but I did because it was the only way I could think of to get rid of them completely without waiting around to bring them somewhere or whatever.  I told him I was proud of him.  He told me that he was tired of lying to me and that he has a lot to lose if he keeps on doing it.  He said he is going to work hard to be honest and accept our situation and not insist on stuff that we can't afford.  I was very proud of him.  He has never done this before.  And I so much want to buy into it.  But.....

That's not to say I really believe that most of it will happen.  But I do know I have seen some good things in the past two weeks and it's possible that things could improve.  Unfortunately, I know that despite his good intentions, history shows that things won't likely be that way.  And he'll probably get some more Percocet.  But I hope I'm wrong.