Ok, this is going to be tough. But I'm hoping I'm up to it.

We found out that DH is not eligible for unemployment due to his pending disability appeal.  "You can't tell the unemployment people you're ready, willing and able to work, and at the same time, tell the disability people that you're not capable of working."  Anyhow, it might be legal to get unemployment, but it could potentially make a mess out of whatever is left of the appeal.  It's too big of a risk, of course.  If DH could get disability, I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs any more.  And right now, the ONLY way I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs.  My full time job pays for the mortgage ($900/mo), our health insurance ($420/mo) and my gas to get there ($400-$500/mo).  That's it.  No food, no clothes, no cat/dog food, car insurance, electricity, phone or heat.  So....as long as I like having those things, the second job is not an option right now.  In fact, we're back to ends not meeting again.

I dropped the insurance on DH's pickup truck.  I'm dropping the internet service at the end of the month.  DH is rolling his own cigarettes (still) and eating cheap food at home.  He's not complaining at all, and that makes things so much easier.  I'm toying with dropping some phone service, but it's hard to decide what to do.  We each have cell phones.  Mine is important to me because I'm on the road so much.  His is important to me because he's been suicicidal in the past and I feel like I need to have a way to get in touch with him if/when things are bad.  But the land line.....I need that in case I'm in the house and my cell phone doesn't get a good signal that day...what if my mom had an emergency and they couldn't get a hold of me?  Still struggling with all of this.  We already don't have TV of any kind, so cutting out cable/satellite isn't an option.  Oh, and DH has agreed to go to the free food distribution again (we did this when Jim was living with us and it helped a lot, but DH hated it because he was always so afraid that someone would recognize him.)

I'll hopefully be getting a raise (about $40 every 2 weeks) from my full time job in about 4 months.  I'm hoping we can hang on til then.  I guess, if gas gets too high, like they're talking about, I can stay at my friend's house in the City.  But as I've said before, I don't always trust DH to be able to care for all the animals correctly.  It's an option, though.....better (maybe, anyhow) than losing the house.

Selling the house is not an option.  The house is valued at 1/3 of the mortgage right now, and even that may be high, what with the roof issues etc.  And compared to rents, it's really not that high.  I can't move into an urban area with these animals, and I won't abandon them or "find good homes for them."  They are my family members too, and I need to keep that in mind when I make plans.

The last resort, of course, might be bankruptcy.  I hope it doesn't come to that.  I'm going to look into the new programs for refinancing under water mortgages, and if I can do that, it might all be possible. We'll just have to cross our fingers.  I've done it before, but in hindsight, I have no idea how--I guess I'll have to operate on the same blind faith that got me through this the last time.

This may shock you.

Well, DH had almost a week of being the exact person I married.  Helpful, considerate, frugal, honest....and then, well, I'm not quite sure what happened.  I'm inclined to believe his story since the ending is rather amazing, but I honestly don't know what to believe any more when it comes to stuff like this.

The thing that foiled it?  Probably my car.  I had to get my brakes fixed in my car as they were grinding badly and I had managed to save up the money to get them fixed  (since DH got a paycheck 2 weeks ago, this is really the first pay period where he hasn't gotten paid, so we aren't hurting much worse than usual yet).  DH volunteered that I could take his car to work.  So I did.  While I was at work, DH called me to say "hi", which he used to do all the time, but since he's been sick, he hasn't bothered.  He told me he had pain in his hip.  I told him to take Advil.  He didn't.  Then, right around the time I was leaving, DH called and said that he had gone in to the E.R. for his hip pain and they had prescribed him Percocet and could I please pick it up on the way home?  To me it came across as very sneaky.  I determined that he had attempted to do this without my knowledge and, in fact, would have, except for the fact that I had his car and his "Benny" card (flexible spending card that can only be used to pay for prescriptions) was in the car.  Since he has no job, and I had the Benny card, he had no way to pay for the Percocet so he had to 'fess up.  Of course he said that was not the case, but it was pretty obvious to me.

So we went through another few days of me being the Percocet police.  I kept the Percocet in my safe, he asked me for them when he "needed" them.  This is because of the times before this when he took nearly the whole bottle at once to get a better "effect".  If you have only started reading recently, please do a search on "Percocet" and learn about this never-ending battle.

He didn't seem to notice, but his "pain" moved around.  First it was his left hip, then it was his right hip, then (of course) it was his back......and he needed Percocet for all of those.  When I asked him what he'd done to help alleviate the pain prior to taking Percocet (heating pad, Ibuprofen, muscle relaxer pills), the answer was always "nothing".  I was pretty disgusted and I told him so.  I told him that things were going to go back to being just like they've been.  And that I was running out of patience.  He continued to ask for his Percocet, I went to bed.  Same thing happened the next night after work, as soon as he saw me he needed more.  I got very angry, told him "I don't care any more, do what you want." And went to bed feeling like a huge burden was off of my shoulders.  (Really, though, it's a whole 'nother post, but I've kind of been turning more towards "I'm going to live my life and if you want to tag along, well, fine, but I don't care if you don't like it."

The next day I had taken the day off for a meeting at the nursing home.  DH approached me and said that he had been thinking about things.  I figured he'd come up with some new excuse.  What he did say was: "You are right.  I do have a Percocet problem.  I can go all day long without one, but as soon as I know you're home, I come up with all sorts of pains.  I will tell you anything to get some.  If I know it's in the house, I'm going to want it and I'm not going to stop until it's gone.  I want you to get rid of the rest of the pills."  I asked him if he was sure.  "Yes, if I know they are there, I won't leave you alone until I've found a "reason" to take them all." I asked him if he wanted to watch me dispose of them so he knew for sure that they would no longer be in the house.  At first he said "no", but then he changed his mind.  I know you're not supposed to flush them any more, but I did because it was the only way I could think of to get rid of them completely without waiting around to bring them somewhere or whatever.  I told him I was proud of him.  He told me that he was tired of lying to me and that he has a lot to lose if he keeps on doing it.  He said he is going to work hard to be honest and accept our situation and not insist on stuff that we can't afford.  I was very proud of him.  He has never done this before.  And I so much want to buy into it.  But.....

That's not to say I really believe that most of it will happen.  But I do know I have seen some good things in the past two weeks and it's possible that things could improve.  Unfortunately, I know that despite his good intentions, history shows that things won't likely be that way.  And he'll probably get some more Percocet.  But I hope I'm wrong. 

Something good is going on

I'm not sure what it is--is it me taking control of DH's meds and making sure that everything is there every day.....or him not having to go to work.....or the fact that he's sleeping at night and awake during the day....or a combination of all these.....?

But here is what I am seeing:
DH is drinking cheap bottled water and not complaining about no pop
DH cleaned my pantry.
DH cleaned the living room.
DH made himself sandwiches without whining about how there was nothing to eat--not only that, but he used very old bread, saying "we've got to use this up, we can't waste it just because it's all dried out...it's not moldy yet" (very very unusual for him).
DH called the "jobs for the mentally ill" worker twice (she hasn't returned his call yet)
DH applied for unemployment.
DH is rolling his own cigarettes and not complaining at all about how bad they taste.
DH has been feeding/pottying dogs before I get home at night so I don't have to.

I could go on and on.

But you get the idea.  He's smiling more, too.  For a long time I hadn't noticed the lack of smiling, until he was laughing one day. 

I know it's probably just high spot on the roller coaster of bipolar.  But the way he's been these last few days makes me remember why I married him to begin with.  And right now, he's doing great.  And I'm amazed and thrilled.