I’ve been really concerned lately about my relationship with DH. I know that all marriages have ups and downs, but it seems like this "down" has lasted forever. I get so angry, I surprise myself with the anger, when I come home from work after my 2-hour each way commute and find that he hasn’t done anything at all except eat and sit on the couch. Even if I’ve called him from work to remind him to do something, chances are, it didn’t get done.
DH’s hours have been cut for the winter, due to fewer customers where he works, so he’s home three or four days a week.
I used to be able to tell myself that "it’s part of his illness" and "he can’t help it" and all sorts of stuff like that, but lately it seems like all I feel is resentment and disappointment. I’m tired of having to remind him to do everything, including taking his pills. I’m tired of coming home and having to do three loads of laundry even though he’s been sitting there all day. Lately, he can’t even lift a finger to call me and tell me that "the dogs are out of dog food" or whatever.
And I’m starting to think dangerous thoughts. On occasion, I find myself wishing that there was a man in my life who carried his (figurative and literal) weight. Who didn’t need constant reminders for everything. Who would work with me as a team, instead of dead weight. Who was financially responsible and didn’t incur a bazillion medical bills, dental bills and prescription bills…And when I think about that imaginary man, it feels really good. And the scariest thing is, I know I’m not asking for much. At least I don’t think.
I find myself thinking about how hard it is for me to handle everything at our house and how things would be easier if I either moved back to town, or moved to a city. And I find myself thinking about how nice it would be to live somewhere where I didn’t have to take care of DH all the time.
And I recognize that’s a bad thing. I did marry DH for life. I don’t break my promises. And I don’t intend to. But in the history of our marriage, these thoughts are very new to me. It’s likely that I am sensing that DH isn’t trying like he used to. And I’m feeling really beaten down, like I’m on a treadmill and can’t get off.
I’m wondering if I’m depressed? I honestly don’t have time right now to go and ask a doctor about that. But it’s a possibility. In recognizing these new thought patterns, hopefully, if I can’t go to the doctor, maybe I’ll be able to self-analyze and figure out what needs of mine aren’t being met. It’s clear that I need to do something, because these kinds of thoughts tend to feed upon themselves and poison things. So I’ve got to stop them, but not quite sure how right now.