Friday, December 10, 2010

Dangerous Thoughts

I’ve been really concerned lately about my relationship with DH. I know that all marriages have ups and downs, but it seems like this "down" has lasted forever. I get so angry, I surprise myself with the anger, when I come home from work after my 2-hour each way commute and find that he hasn’t done anything at all except eat and sit on the couch. Even if I’ve called him from work to remind him to do something, chances are, it didn’t get done.

DH’s hours have been cut for the winter, due to fewer customers where he works, so he’s home three or four days a week.

I used to be able to tell myself that "it’s part of his illness" and "he can’t help it" and all sorts of stuff like that, but lately it seems like all I feel is resentment and disappointment. I’m tired of having to remind him to do everything, including taking his pills. I’m tired of coming home and having to do three loads of laundry even though he’s been sitting there all day. Lately, he can’t even lift a finger to call me and tell me that "the dogs are out of dog food" or whatever.

And I’m starting to think dangerous thoughts. On occasion, I find myself wishing that there was a man in my life who carried his (figurative and literal) weight. Who didn’t need constant reminders for everything. Who would work with me as a team, instead of dead weight. Who was financially responsible and didn’t incur a bazillion medical bills, dental bills and prescription bills…And when I think about that imaginary man, it feels really good. And the scariest thing is, I know I’m not asking for much. At least I don’t think.

I find myself thinking about how hard it is for me to handle everything at our house and how things would be easier if I either moved back to town, or moved to a city. And I find myself thinking about how nice it would be to live somewhere where I didn’t have to take care of DH all the time.

And I recognize that’s a bad thing. I did marry DH for life. I don’t break my promises. And I don’t intend to. But in the history of our marriage, these thoughts are very new to me. It’s likely that I am sensing that DH isn’t trying like he used to. And I’m feeling really beaten down, like I’m on a treadmill and can’t get off.

I’m wondering if I’m depressed? I honestly don’t have time right now to go and ask a doctor about that. But it’s a possibility. In recognizing these new thought patterns, hopefully, if I can’t go to the doctor, maybe I’ll be able to self-analyze and figure out what needs of mine aren’t being met. It’s clear that I need to do something, because these kinds of thoughts tend to feed upon themselves and poison things. So I’ve got to stop them, but not quite sure how right now.


Anonymous said...

Hi, let me start with saying that I feel your pain. My husband is also Bipolar and I know how hard it gets. I love him so much and just the thought of leaving kills me however, I am not so happy around him most of the time. I do stay because I know that with BP there is little you can control, the emotions take over their minds and actions and there is nothing you can do to help but be supportive (although it takes a toll on yourself, i've learned). My advice?
Do things around your house as if you were living alone, just try it for a bit. Let him see you do it and not complain hopefully he will realize he is sitting letting life pass him by. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of him, do things for you, work out, shop, watch a good movie, etc. That way when you finally have to submit to his depressions, etc you will have the strenght.
Also, it is extremely important that he takes the right medications EVERY DAY. I cannot stress this enough. Research shows that the DNA of the cells actually changes with medication to improve the mood extremes of BP disorder. If he doesn't take his meds there is nothing that will ever help. So even if he doesn't want to get up and make the appointment you go make it, everyday if necessary, in the end it will benefit your OWN mental health.
You mentioned you felt depressed? This happens to me too all the time, you probably are, but this is seasonal. It is obviously triggered by his behavior. The one thing that you must understand (and I am struggling with this myself) is that BP men/women live a different, most of the time, illogical reality and you cannot, CANNOT, get sucked into it. So as soon as you feel frustrated start trying to do the things I mentioned before and taking care of yourself. This is especially important since you do not want to compromise your own mental health by any means (your DNA will also eventually change if you are always down and you will become permanently depressed). I hope this helped, I will save your blog and check it every so often, it really helps to share and support each other when dealing with a BP husband or relative.
I am a medical student, married less than a year ago. Hope your weekend goes a little better.

Anonymous said...

Hi there, MEDDI here, did you get my previous post? It's not showing.

My Black Fog said...

I'm not sure if your husband is mentally ill or not as I haven't read your blog and this is the first I have read it. But if he is,... then its not something he has control over. I know its frustrating. My ex left me 10 yrs ago due to my depression/bipolar. I get so annoyed with people who think we can change but just won't. Honestly,... Do you really think we WANT to feel this useless??? We would change if we could. We try.

Anonymous said...

Ok I wrote this whole thing about your situation and it got erased ! grrr.
Anyhow, let me repeat. I am also married to a man with BP. I feel for you, I definitely understand the frustration and pain you go through. Here are the things I've learned to do to feel better and help the situation,

#1 He MUST take his medication, THE RIGHT medication. Unless you are sure the medication he is taking works, talk to the psychiatrist and see if you can try other options. Medication is 100% proven to work in treating BP disorder but it varies from individual to individual as to which is the right combination, miligrams, etc. If he doesn't want to do it on his own, you will have to do it for him, whatever that means. It is not only for his, but your own health which is especially important since you are the one who needs to help him.

#2 I know how frustrating and how bad/down you can feel about yourself for being in this situation, it happens to me. But you have to try and do things for yourself a lot more, work out, go shopping, go to a spa, watch nice movies, etc. Try to do things that will make you happy independently of him so that when you do have good or bad times with him you can be a stronger and more prepared person to be in the situation. If you don't take care of yourself first you won't be able to care for him at all.

Lastly, I know how hard it is, believe me I go through my rollercoaster everyday with my hubby, but I do deeply love him and I want the best, expect the best, and try to work at it. It's hard but it is a big decision of compromise for both of us. When he is not in an "episode" he is perfect for me and so that is what keeps me going. Try talking to your hubby when he is not in one of the emotional extremes, just talking about your love for each other, it'll help. And remember not to snap at him when he seems to be OK, no matter what mood their in they are 24/7 BP and anything will trigger an "episode."
Hope your weekend goes better and if you have any medical questions I am here, I am finishing up medical school so I kinda know a lot about this and more so because I live with my hubby who has BP. I have been married less than a year.


Robin said...

Your thoughts aren't dangerous to me, they are normal.

From what I see is you have a major choice to make. Accept life the way it is, stop expecting anything from DH and live accordingly. Or, decide that this relationship is no longer healthy and make preparations to either leave or get couples counseling.

A lot of his behaviour is a result of his illness...but not all of it.

perphila said...

First of all I hope your mom is having less scary days. I can't imagine what it would be like to live in some kind of fear everyday. It can't be good for the body. It's good she has you by her side even if she doesn't realize it.

The real frustrating thing with someone you love who has bipolar is when you feeling like they aren't trying. I sense that is what is going on right now for you. I know you would endure and deal with a lot as long as it seemed like he was trying to help himself even if it was only in small ways. Even if he couldn't doing anything for a while then tried again. Medications alone are not going to be enough for DH. Sometimes the bad behaviors can become habit and then even though you feel bad for doing them you just don't know how to stop. That is when therapy can help. There again is the frustration when you know you can't really make him go. I am sure you could make the appointment and drag him to the car and sit him in the chair but if he isn't willing to be a part of the process then what can you do? Maybe you do need to drag him in a few times and see what happens. Let him whine and complain and make excuses. Ignore it and bring him anyway. If your marriage is going to end or seems like it might end if things keep progressing the way they are then what do you have to really lose? You aren't his mother of course but at times you do have to be a caretaker of sorts when he can't do it for himself. What parts of his behaviors now are bipolar and what are now bad habits? You remember who he used to be but that isn't who he is now and no amount of meds will bring that old person back. They will only help him to be the best he can be, with therapy, with his illness. Which in the end is what we all want for those we love anyway under the circumstances.

Miz Kizzle said...

You only have one life, as far as I can tell. Yes, there may be reincarnation, but this is the life you're living NOW and the only one of which you're aware. That being said, don't you deserve to enjoy your life? Time flies by and it would be a same for you to get to be your mother's age and have only unhappiness and wasted expectations to show for it.
A two-hour, one-way commute is stressful and aggravating in the extreme. To come home and find a grossly overweight, emotionally absent husband sprawled like a lump on the couch among a litter of empty soda cans and potato chip bags while the house has been neglected and the animals have not been attended to is soul-destroying. To go through years of your husband being unreliable and untrustworthy must be horrible. Yes, he has a mental illness but you don't have to live the way you do because you made a vow to stay married to him until one of you dies. What if you had married him not knowing he was a murderer, would you stay married to him once you found out? What if he were a bigamist, would you still insist on honoring your wedding vows? Obviously not. So there are instances where you would choose to get a divorce. Things just haven't gotten bad enough yet for you to make the decision to leave. I hope things get better, I really do.

Anonymous said...

I'm reading these comments and thinking-when did she ask "what do you think?" Sometimes blogging our thoughts and feelings is just that. It's therapeutic. There's a lot being thrown around here in the comments. Just sayin.

Miz Kizzle said...

To snarky Anonymous #2:
Since the author of this blog has activated the Comment function. It seems reasonable to assume she did so in order to hear the opinions of her readers regarding the situations she has chosen to share with us.
If she didn't want any advice she seems perfectly capable of stating that fact.
But thanks; I can tell you were trying to be helpful, weren't you?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I am saddened by your life story . I am in a similar situation and feel like I am the one who is"crazy" at times. Just keep praying for strength. I always wonder"why me?" Why can't I live a normal life with a normal husband? Sometimes it feels like I am carrying the world on my shoulders.