Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Memory problems in my non-Alzheimer's family member

There is a "ministry" group in our town. It is made up of teens who have been in trouble with the law and have decided to turn their life around as Christians. I think that's wonderful. But no matter what is in their heart, they make me very nervous. And many parents in our town.

Last week:
DD asked DH if she could go to a "church program" in the library basement. Supposedly her friend's church. I was at work (as usual) but DH was doing pretty good on the parenting stuff, and, after a few questions, it came out that the meeting wasn't actually AT the library, it was in the park across from the library, and it was with this "ministry" group, not a church. After a call to DD's friend's parents, we learned that they felt the same way about that group, and no, their daughter goes to the Baptist church in town. So DH knew something was up, and said no way. I thought that was a good call. DD is very impressionable and needs to be around people who are GOOD influences.

I was at work (again) and called the house. No answer. I called DH's cell phone. "I'm at (DD's friend)'s house, waiting for them to get done at that concert."

Me: WHAT???? I thought we talked about that last week.

DH: We did?

Me: Yes, there was a "meeting" in the library that turned out to be in the park, supposedly a church group, but it was this "ministry" and DD lied about it....and we decided that it was an absolute "no way"??????

DH: That sounds familiar....

Me: What is going on?

DH: I don't remember all that from last week.

Me: You don't remember how DD lied about her friend going to that "church" for years and years????

DH: Well I kind of remember about that....

Me: I thought we decided that she wasn't going to be allowed to do that!

DH: Well, um...I....

Me: I'm not mad, I'm confused and worried.

DH: I'll call you after I get DD in bed.

Next thing:
Earlier this week, I bought some little tomato plants for the garden, and some rhubarb. I told DH that the rhubarb needed to go in a spot by itself, because it comes back every year and if we put it in the garden and dig up the garden, then the rhubarb will not do well. I told him this twice.

Then yesterday, he came in and told me that he'd put all the plants in the garden, and I asked, "And you put the rhubarb in a spot by itself, right?" No.

He didn't even remember me telling him anything about the rhubarb. Or to save some of the dirt to start some seeds with, either.

I don't even know who to be mad at. He doesn't remember. And he clearly isn't on the "good parent" bus this week, either. Everything is so unpredictable. I just wish I knew what to expect from one minute to another. I think when he goes back tohis PDOC, I am going to bring up the memory problems. It's scary sometimes.

He thinks he remembers just fine, until he doesn't.


Karen said...

This is so frustrating for you and I understand how annoying it can be. There is nothing wrong with my Hubby but he does the same thing to me. Its called selective hearing. At least your guy has a good reason.
Perhaps there is something that can be done medically so good call to find out.

Miz Kizzle said...

Your DD pulled a fast one on her father. What consequences will there be for her?
Have the kids in the program actually done anything to be concerned about since they joined the group or is it their past deeds and the way they dress and talk that makes parents concerned about them? I don't need to tell you what attitude Jesus had toward marginalized people but if these kids are actually up to no good then your daughter shouldn't be around them.
It's interesting how determined she was to hang out with them. Do you think there's a boy involved?

Elizabeth A. said...

My husband tells me things three or four times and I write everything down. I keep little notepads with pens by my bed, kitchen table, counter, and fridge. I forget I put Draino in the tub, and then to flush it with water. I've forgotten to turn the dryer on right after putting the clothes in there. I don't remember events where my friends told me I was there for hours. I just don't remember.

Index cards with pens everywhere. If I need to go somewhere, I look at all my notes before I go. (I date each blurb and cross it out later) It helps.

Don't know what to tell you about DD, but I agree consequences are in order. At the very least, I would go to one of these meetings with her first if she still insists on it.

perphila said...

I have the same problems with Sean and Connor. With Sean when he was here I just reminded him and got mad until I gave up and just did things myself. Now, I put everything in an email and when he says he can't remember, I'm lying or some other thing I tell him to check his email AND resend it. In therapy he jokes around about how "that could be anything" etc. which I reply how it is all in an email and I can copy it and bring it into our next session for verifcation. That shuts him up. I KNOW he can not remember. It is annoying but doesn't make me too mad anymore. What I am more frustated at is the fact I know it stems from his illness which he still refuses to accept.

I brought up the memory issues with Connor's therapist and we are trying different things and asking him different questions. I am learning to write things down for him. I have tried calendars for events but then he forgets to look at it. He can remember half a sentance but not the rest. Some is him not listening fully. His mind fills in the blanks. I may say, "Take the dishes into the kitchen and..." That will be when he stops comprehending. I might have finished by saying, "put them into the sink with some hot water to soak." He thinks I said, "leave them beside the sink for me to wash later." He is always saying, "I thought you said..." or "I didn't hear that part." or "I don't remember you saying that part." or " No way! You never said that!" When you write about DH and the garden thing that was100% Connor.

Interestingly he has a similar problem with his spelling. When he rechecks his own written works he fails to pick up spelling mistakes because his mind is going so fast it automaticly "fixes" the mistakes in his head. His teacher said that was a common problem in well read students. Connor sometimes forgets whole converations but not as much as his father. With a little prompting he remembers quickly but the "content" is not quite right. Which makes him quite frustrated and full of denials. I have really thought of carrying a voice activated recorder with me where ever I go...:)

Gala said...

As for dd lying to you/dh - somehow a consequence to fit the crime, yet having DH be able to follow thru with it in the end. Not sure what advice to give you on this.

As for the other advice I have. hmm...what I will say is I've btdt and been on both sides of the fence.

If/when I can pull myself together (read yesterdays post) I will try to email you...