Trying to muster up the nerve

Today DD and I met with DD's therapist again. DD has been doing really well, so we didn't have much to discuss with her therapist. DD wanted to draw on the white board in the therapist's office, so she (the therapist) and I went into another room and talked a little about DH.

I told her about how much better DH is doing, but that he still isn't back where he was. I said, "He's not where he was 5 years ago yet, but he's doing a lot better than he was last year." I think that's pretty accurate.

Then I talked with her about DH's work situation (or lack thereof). She (the therapist) is of the opinion that DH will improve greatly if I (we) can get him back to work. I told her about how I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on him, and that if he could work, he would, and she agreed with me. I told her that sometimes I don't know how to be a good wife--if I remind him five times to go look for a job, one day I'm nagging him, and the next day, I remind him five times, and he's grateful, because he forgot to do it (all five times). So when I told her I had decided to just assume that he wasn't going to be working soon, and she asked me about the jobs guy. I told her what I knew, and she believes (and I think she's right) that DH is presenting himself to the jobs guy as more capable and more independent than he really is right now. That he probably hates to admit that he needs help to work. And so he "talks the talk" and says all the right things to the jobs guy, so the jobs guy thinks all DH really needs to do is go out and apply. But DH really needs some more support than that. He probably needs someone to actually place him in a job, and it needs to be a job that he can succeed in, and a job where, if DH has a "bad day", and breaks down crying or something like that, it will be understood.

DD's therapist strongly urged me to contact the jobs guy myself and tell him what I see and think about DH. Kind of like I did with the NP before DH got put on the Lithium. It really sounds like something I need to do. But it also feels so wrong!
I would never ever "interfere" with my husband's job search/work life before this. It's a boundary that I would never dream of crossing. Intellectually, I know that this is more of a mental health issue than a "work" issue, but when I start imagining myself actually calling up the jobs guy and telling him about DH, I feel kind of like a traitor, anyhow. And it's not something I think of consciously, it's more like a physical aversion to the thought. I just am having a tough time bringing myself to do it. I'm hoping that if I keep mulling over it, that on Monday, I'll be able to give that guy a call and put a bug in his ear. It seems like it would be so easy, doesn't it?

It's kind of (but not really) a similar thing to the people in town here that have given DH a "charge" account. What those "accounts" are really for, is, if you have an emergency, and you don't have any money, the hardware store, will still sell you that special screwdriver, and you can pay them back on payday. DH owes three different stores in town over $500 each. On the one hand, I know that I should go and explain the situation to the store owners, work on paying off those bills, and ask them not to extend credit to DH any more. But that is also a tough thing for me to do, because a) it'd be nice if the whole town didn't know DH had a mental illness, b) some of those people are "friends" of his, and might think less of him if they knew and c) I would never dream of crossing that boundary if DH was "normal". But he's not. And there's a lot of these sorts of things that a wife has to think about. And it's not fun.

Evolutionarily speaking, mental illness might not be a bad thing!

The following is an excerpt from an interesting article from MSNBC, explaining how evolution may have played a part in man's development of what we call "mental illness". It lists all of the most common mental illnesses and explains how they might have started as something that was a benefit, but either got overdeveloped, or isn't useful any more. Very interesting!

(click here to link to read the full article at MSNBC)

Mental ills may have an evolutionary upside

People with bipolar disorder have more sex, for instance, research says

By Robin Nixon

LiveScience

updated 3:31 p.m. CT, Tues., Aug. 26, 2008

....

Mental illnesses hinder one in every four adults in America every year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. And this doesn’t count those of us with more moderate mood swings.

To explain our susceptibility to poor mental health, Randolph Nesse in "The Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology" (Wiley, 2005) compares the human brain with race horses: Just as horse breeding has selected for long thin legs that increase speed but are prone to fracture, cognitive advances also increase fitness — to a point.

Let's take common mental conditions one-by-one.

People with aggressive and narcissistic personalities are the easiest to understand evolutionarily; they look out for number one. But even if 16 million men today can trace their genes to Genghis Khan (nature's definition of uber-success can be measured by his prolific paternity), very few potential despots achieve such heights. Perhaps to check selfish urges, in favor of more probable means to biological success, social lubricants such as empathy, guilt and mild anxiety arose.

......


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(I'm trying a) New Attitude

Well, they're back. It was a very short respite, made even shorter by the fact that I had to work way too many hours. All I really did while they were gone was work, sleep, let dogs out, and run errands for my mom. But it was nice to know that I didn't have to come up with any "surprise" money, and it was nice to know that I could sleep for 7 hours straight and there probably wouldn't be a crisis.

During the time when DH was gone, I gave a lot of thought to a lot of things that have gone on in the last year. I thought about all the bills. I thought about how much better DH has gotten since he started the Lithium. And I calmly came to the realization that the "Serenity Prayer" directly applied.

"Lord, please grant me
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

I think this is a time when I need to exercise the "wisdom to know the difference, and accept the things I cannot change."

Somehow, even though it had been staring me in the face for quite some time, I realized that DH is doing the best he can. Not only that, but he's pushing himself. He knows who he was 5 years ago. I know who he was 5 years ago. A hard worker, assertive, kind, ambitious, rational, organized. And I realized that based on the fact that I know DH well, I can assume that none of those traits are probably things that he would like to change, if he had a choice. Which has led me to the realization that, well, he is doing the best he can. And that especially means that he's doing the best he can job-wise, too. I (and DH too) cannot keep "encouraging" him, pressuring him, getting frustrated with him, when he can't bring himself to look for work. The DH I married would have a job in one day, if he had been out of work and out of money. But as much as I pretend, DH is not that same person right now. I can't keep "acting as if" and hoping that suddenly I'll wake up and everything will be normal once more.

So I've made myself a goal: I'm going to stop pressuring DH about working. It's going to be hard, because his ambition was one of the things that attracted me to him. But I need to accept that right now, working might not be possible. And I think that my frustration makes him more stressed out about working and makes him feel worse about himself, too. So I've just got to stop. I told DH what I had decided to do, and he didn't want to admit, either, that he can't work right now. But then he told me that when he thinks about working, he gets this "sick, scared feeling, way deep inside, I've never been scared like that." Which just reinforces my thoughts. I did bring up the possibility of DH talking with the jobs guy to see if he could get into some sort of sheltered program for the mentally ill. One of those "workshops" where there are all kinds of support people there to help, where the work is very simple, and they get paid something like minimum wage, and all the coworkers have some kind of mental illness. DH seemed like he liked that idea, but I did not comment when he did not call his worker about that, either.

For right now, to the best of my ability, I am going to accept the possibility that things with DH may never get back to where they were before he got sick. Things might never get any better than they are today. I will plan for that possibility, and if things do get better, I'll be pleasantly surprised.

On my own!

Well, they're gone. DH and DD, both off to his mom's until Sunday night. I'm pretty thrilled. My stress level has gone down so much. I wish I had some time off, where I didn't have to work, and could enjoy it even more, but I'll take what I can get!!! Last night, I got home from work, and Kirby Puppy (age 15) had had a "garbage party" in the kitchen. I was prepared to clean up his messes that were due to me not being there to let him out, but that made me mad!!! He's been digging in the garbage since he was a puppy, and he still does, especially when he thinks he's not getting enough attention....I cursed at him in my head, then I remembered he might not be around too much longer, and when that time comes, I'd give anything to have him spread the garbage all over the house again. So I counted my blessings, and was grateful that I still have him to get mad at.

DH called and said he's "homesick". My mother in law doesn't have any animals, and it's a very small house. Even smaller than ours. And my mother in law, well, she's very outspoken and direct. I love her, but that's something about her that was difficult for me to get used to. And I know that spending too much time with her can get to DH, too, because she starts in on the "Why aren't you working?" and "You ahould do this" and "You should do that" and just sometimes doesn't notice that it makes him feel bad. She might have to have a defibrillator put in for her heart. I think she's supposed to find out in the next day or two. I hope they can "fix" things without doing something that seems as drastic as that.

Even though he's homesick, I think that being at his mom's is good for DH, because he can see some of his old friends, and maybe it will move his mind back closer to a place where he was healthy. Does that make sense? I guess what I mean is that maybe since he's there and not at our house, he'll find a place to be in mentally, that reminds him of who he used to be, not who he seems to be now.

Oh--one more thing. As I was driving to work today, I realized that "That Guy" doesn't come out nearly as often as he used to, and I also realized that DH rarely has the abrupt mood swings that were so unpredictable for so many months. He still has mood swings, but they're more like, if I say something that reminds him that I'm working a lot, then he'll go from being happy to being full of self-pity. But the angry mood swings, where I might say something about having to go to work and he would accuse me of "trying to make him feel guilty all the time" or whatever, those mood swings seem to he almost gone, too. Knock on wood, of course!

I'm looking very forward to the next few days.

Dog owners, please read this!!!

This is a story about a dog who was injured by a toy his owner bought in a pet store. It's horrifying. My dogs had one of those balls just a few weeks ago. Luckily (more lucky than I knew, apparently), Frosty destroyed the ball and we no longer have it. But holy cow!!! This could have been her!!!

Click here to read the story.

A not so ideal situation...maybe?

Well, DH's mother, who lives about 4 hours from us, wants DH to come and do some work for her, and she will pay him. When I first heard that, I got pretty excited, because I might actually have some alone time! We talked about him possibly leaving on Thursday. We decided that the best idea would be for him to bring DD with him, even though she will undoubtedly interfere with any work he is trying to do, I am scheduled to work 66 hours in the next 6 days, and I cannot fathom leaving her alone for those long stretches of time, even if most of them are past her bedtime.

Because of my long commute, it would be impossible for me to run home to help with a crisis, too. I explained all of this to DH, and he agreed, there really was no question: he has to take DD with him. Ok, then, it's all settled.

Except it's not. DH just called me and told me that his mom wants him to come tomorrow instead. His mom can be kind of impulsive and demanding, so that in itself didn't surprise me. But then he says, "She sounded a little disappointed that I had to bring DD." And then he asked me if, wouldn't I rather have her stay home so that DD could let the dogs out and all that? I said no. If it was one night, then I'd have no problem. But now we're talking about FIVE nights. And the shortest shift I am working on any of those nights is 10 hours. I can't even fathom doing that.

It seems very common sense to me. If he goes, she HAS to go with him, and if his mom is disappointed, well, too bad. Maybe that's being a little too assertive, but this is my kid, and she needs to be supervised. Just because her birth certificate says she's 15 doesn't mean that she is 15 developmentally. (And who would leave a 15 year old alone that much anyhow? Just asking for trouble if you ask me.) If I'm working 10 or 12 hours a night, and sleeping 6 hours, that basically leaves her all by herself for 5 days!!! No way.

So then DH starts in with the "I probably shouldn't even go."

I didn't buy into his guilt trip, though. I just told him that was his choice, but in case he does go, "DD MUST GO WITH."

If he were to bring DD with, it would be hard on a couple of the dogs. Four of the dogs can "hold it" for a very long time hours and be ok. I found that out when DH was in the hospital. But the two senior dogs, well, Kirby needs to go out every 3-4 hours or he (ahem) uses the laundry room. And same with Woo-Woo. So I'd probably have to clean up some messes. But the thought of it, nobody asking me for money...no drama....no whining....oh my, if they really did go, what a wonderful mental health break for me!!!!! I'm crossing my fingers that I can get him to see things my way. If they don't go, I'm sure I'll be the "bad guy" and things'll be a zillion times worse! So cross your fingers with me!

What is it about the nighttime?

Every night, around 10pm, it's the same old, same old:
Me: Did you take your pills yet?
DH: Uh....
Me: Go take your pills. You know you are going to sleep for 12 hours, so if you take your pills now, you'll get up at a decent time.
DH: But I can't take them yet, I wanted to do some laundry!
Me: You can do it tomorrow when you wake up.
DH: No I can't, I won't be in the mood then.
Me: Take your pills.
DH: You're mean!
Me: I know.
DH: Ok, I'll take the stupid pills.

Every night we have some kind of variation on that conversation. Tonite he wanted to "get a lot of stuff done." But if we get up tomorrow and I suggest he work on "all those things you wanted to get done", he either isn't in the mood, or can't remember what they are.

And another thing, almost every night, his mood gets worse as the sun goes down. He wakes up in a healthy state of mind, and then when the day starts to wind down, he gets depressed. Tonite he got depressed and could not explain to me anything that might have set that off. I don't know what the evening depression has to do with the evening ambition or the unwillingness to take the pills at night, or the inability to see that if he wants to get up before 3pm, he will need to go to bed before 3am.

I have read in several places that bipolar affects the circadian rhythms in a person's body. That bipolar people seem to prefer staying up all night and sleeping all day. But I'm not sure I understand it at all. I'm hoping that DH can get up early enough tomorrow to make some appointments, so that maybe we can figure out if there is a way to help with this. It's one of those things that I can see, but apparently the bipolar glasses keep him from seeing.

If any of you have any ideas, please feel free to comment--I've learned so much from everyone in the blogosphere, I'm happy to learn more.

A tribute to Leroy Sievers

A long time ago, when my friend Anita's husband (who passed away in December) was diagnosed with colon cancer, I searched the web to find some way to help, some way to understand, to hope. In the process of that search, I found Leroy Sievers, a cancer survivor, who blogged about his journey. His quiet calm was very comforting and I shared the link to his blog with my friend. I don't know if she ever checked it out, I hope she did.

I didn't check Leroy's blog every day. Things have been very chaotic in my own life, and sometimes, thinking about the fact that someone so amazing could pass on, well, it was just too much for me at the time. When DH began his Lithium therapy, things started to calm down, and I decided to see "what had ever happened to Leroy" and, finding that, against all odds, he was still alive and blogging, I began to follow his journey again.

You know, when someone, especially someone "young", is dying, you always hear about them being referred to as "brave". I've never been sure if that is an accurate word, because I think that for most people, when you get cancer, you do what you've gotta do, not really like CHOOSING to go and fight a war, or CHOOSING to run into a burning building to save a child, there's not much choice involved (on the surface, anyhow), when a person has cancer. But Leroy showed me how many choices there really are, when you get stuck with something like that. What kind of attitude to have. When to call in hospice, whether to buy new clothes or not, so many choices that those of us, who still are living with the illusion that we are going to live "forever", don't even think about. And he shared his struggles over these choices with the world. To me, that really is brave. He didn't have to do that.

I have no idea how many cancer patients, spouses, and others he touched, but I can speak for myself. His support of others with his disease, sharing of his hopes and dreams, and the love he had for his family, on a regular basis, he helped me to see my mortality in a way that I wouldn't have otherwise. I'm so sad to learn that he has passed on.

And thinking about him, and all the things I learned from his journey, and the pain his wife must be experiencing right now, I just wanted to say one more thing. My husband didn't get to choose whether to have a mental illness either. I love him so much. I can't imagine losing him. Not now, not in 50 years. And he has faced his illness with a courage that, despite my complaints, I really do admire. He strives to be the best man he can be, even if he is learning that it's not the same man he was 5 years ago. And I'm happy to have him. I'm sure Leroy Sievers' wife would give anything to be in my shoes right now. Please keep her (and Leroy too) in your prayers.