Oh happy day (not)

Well, I had heard rumors, but I chose to "trust". Haha.
We had been told that if there were going to be layoffs, everyone involved would have 6 months' notice.

Not so.

My last day of work at my full time job is January 29.

I'm bummed, relieved, scared, excited....about every emotion a person could feel.

But they offered to pay me for today if I want to take the day off.

So that's what I'm gonna do.

And I think I'll pray a little, too.

Sorry for any inconvenience but....

I am absolutely sick of all the stupid comment spam I've been getting. Links to pharmaceutical sites, and oriental characters....one of my posts has received eleven comments in some oriental script that I can't read. Another one got three links to buy Cialis.

So, in order to try to combat this problem and cause you the least trouble, I am going to enable comment moderation on posts that are older than four days old. So you should still be able to comment on my most recent stuff without any hitch, but if it's been "out there" for more than four days, I'll have to "approve" it first.

From what I can figure, this is the best way to limit this stupid comment spam. Again, I'm very sorry if this causes you trouble!

Well, that was easy after all....

I hemmed and hawed, went back and forth, trying to decide whether I should call him or not. Finally, after acknowledging the fact that I tend to regret things I don't do more than the things I do do, I decided to call.

So, with my heart pounding and hands shaking, I dialed his number. I couldn't really even figure out what I was going to say.

"The number you have dialed is no longer in service."

Ok, maybe I dialed wrong.

Nope.

Checked the phone book just to make sure, that's the number that's in there....

Ok, then....I called. Right?.....

I feel weird.

Back before I met DH (so this was years ago), I was in a relationship with someone else for six years. Towards the end, it came very close to being abusive, and I gave him an ultimatum: Get counseling for the anger within the next 30 days or we're through. He didn't. So I walked. But it wasn't that easy, of course. There were a lot of things said and done by both of us that weren't very nice.

I wasn't very grown up. Neither was he. And "fighting fair" was just a concept. There was a lot of yelling. He even went to my mom's house one day and told her things about me that I never wanted anyone to know. But I also did some things I regret--and could have handled differently. I played a lot of games. He responded by being angrier. It took me many years to see that, of course. I still believe that the relationship was very doomed. I should've left long before I did.

But it is a part of my past. There are still some happy memories, although the unhappy ones outweigh them.

I was at the thrift store in town when someone said "Hi Carol!" It was his sister and his mom. I hadn't seen them since probably 1996 or so. His mom looked so old--of course, what did I expect after all that time???? Anyhow, there was some small talk, then his sister said, "He's not doing well. He's not taking care of his diabetes at all. (I didn't know he had diabetes, of course). His leg's all black and he won't go to the doctor. He got arrested for driving without insurance and they wouldn't put him in jail, they told him to go to the hospital, because he was in too bad of shape. He keeps saying, "If I die, I die." And all he does is sleep. He's going to lose his leg for sure, but we think he's going to be dead soon."

That really freaked me out. I don't know how to feel. I never, even when we broke up, never hated him. But I was afraid of him. Now that I'm older, I can see that he didn't have very many skills in the relationship department. I'm not afraid any more. He never had another girlfriend after me. That kind of freaks me out, too.

Part of me wants to give him a call and tell him that I'm thinking about him and urge him to get to a doctor before it's too late. But another part of me does not want to open up a can of worms. I'd like to tell him that I know he did the best he could and that no matter what I said at the time, it wasn't all his fault (our breakup). I think I would regret not telling him that, if he were to die.

I told DH about all of this. He told me that if our positions were reversed, he'd probably call. He said he understood that this person was a part of my history and I didn't stop having that just because DH and I got married. (For all his shortcomings, DH is good at the relationship stuff...) But I also know that he might've just been saying that. The thought of me contacting someone who was a big part of my past has to make him at least a little uncomfortable. It makes ME a little uncomfortable.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do. And how to do it. I can't even imagine this person in such bad shape that he might die. I know we all do, but I guess you kind of tend to think of your friends and family as super-human, know what I mean? I'm kind of shocked and sad.

And it makes me want to force DH to take better care of HIS diabetes (or whatever). I know they were giving him insulin in the hospital. So he should at least be checking his blood sugar....and I should be trying to cook healthier, too. It's scary. Mortality sucks.

Humility

Today I brought my mom to the church services that they hold in the nursing home that is attached to the assisted living where my mom lives. Every week a pastor from a different church in town (they take turns) comes and holds a short service. The one this week was really dry. He kind of jumbled a bunch of bible verses together and I didn't understand what the point of the sermon was, so I know my mom didn't, then, the songs he chose were unfamiliar, and since most of the "churchgoers" can no longer read or write, that kind of flopped, too. (Most pastors choose things like "Amazing Grace" and "Rock of Ages", hymns that all the seniors know and love).

So on the way back to her apartment, when my mom started to lament that there hadn't been ice cream for lunch, I offered to bring her to Dairy Queen, and she got really excited. Unfortunately, when we got out to my car, I saw that I had a flat tire.

I've been babying my tires, all four of them for weeks now. Every day I need to put air in one or more of them. They're really old, and I've been trying to hold out "for a couple more weeks, until I can afford to get some better ones." But it's just been so hard to come up with that money. I knew I wasn't going to be able to put it off any longer.

My mom was kind of upset about not being able to go to Dairy Queen. So when I called DH to come and help, we took her there first. Then we stopped and bought a can of fix-a-flat and used that to get the car to the tire store, where we left my car for the overnight.

I went home and tried to take a nap before work, but all I could think was "I can only come up with enough money (maybe) to buy two used tires at the most. But I know I need four tires. So should I put the two better tires on the back (because that's where the worst tires are) or in the front because that's where one would normally put the "better" tires?" And I was really getting myself down, because it feels like we're just getting farther and farther behind. (I just finally got the bill paid off at the vet's office from when Kirby died and I've started getting the bills from when DH was hospitalized for the H1N1, and I have no idea how to pay those either). It's just been so hard. There's absolutely no wiggle room, for when something like this happens. And my car has 250,000 miles on it, so I know there'll be more "somethings", for sure. I was worried that I might not even have enough "wiggle room" on my credit card for the two used tires. Maybe not even one. I couldn't sleep. But I tried.

When I got up, DH said, "well, I've got some good news, I think..." and I thought he was maybe joking. But he told me that his mom (my mother in law) had called him and he told her about my/our day. And I guess when he told her that I've had four bad tires for a while now and just kept driving, hoping nothing would go wrong, she got kind of angry and told him that I drive too far to be doing that. And he told her that I was doing the best I could. And she told him that she wasn't going to sit home and worry about me driving "all that way" on tires like that, she's buying me four brand new tires(!) When DH told me this, I couldn't stop crying.

It used to be, when DH's mom offered me money, I would always say no. She's not my mom, I'm (supposedly) a self-supporting adult, and I didn't want her to think that I was a "mooch". It's hard for me to realize that at this point, I really don't have much of a choice. I owe so many people for so many favors and handouts. It's really a blow to my pride. I just keep telling myself that things won't be like this forever (I hope, anyhow), and someday I'll be able to show my mother in law and everyone else who's helped me out, that I really do appreciate and remember.

Happy Thanksgiving!

What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Whatever it is, I hope it's full of family, food, and love......

I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's apartment. I suggested to my brother that the 2 hour drive to his house might be hard on my mom. But when I brought it up to her, she wanted to go. My brother "compromised", by telling her that he'd come up with his family to visit over the weekend. I got the impression that he was happy we weren't coming. That made me kind of sad, but it is a long drive....

So anyhow, when I get home from work in the morning, I'm going to make the Hillbilly Housewife's Easy Crockpot Stuffing (see my blogroll for a link to her amazing site)...and then take a nap for a couple of hours. Then I'm going to my mom's to get the turkey started. If I organize it right, there's really not too much to do.

Here's our menu:
Turkey (cooked in a Reynolds oven bag--the only way I can consistenly get a really moist turkey!)
Stuffing (see above)
Mashed potatoes and gravy....I'm not very good at making my own gravy, so I did buy a backup jar :-)
Candied sweet potatoes
Watergate salad (with pistachio pudding, marshmallows, Cool Whip, and fruit coctail....)(I'm going to have my mom make this, I think it'll make her feel good to be a part of things)
Jellied cranberry sauce (from a can)
Some kind of rolls
Pickles/olives
Pumpkin pie

That ought to be enough, right? I'm hungry.

Black Friday....I'm sleeping in. Not sure how shopping will work this year, but right now there is $34 in my bank account, and I'll be needing cat/dog food....so no Christmas presents yet....I've been trying to figure out why things feel tougher this year than they did last (financially) and maybe it's just because I'm tireder(?)

Today when I got up (after 6 hours of sleep) DD, who didn't have school today, said "Mom! Your eyes are really white!"

Sigh.

Anyhow, I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday, and don't spend too much on Black Friday....I'll talk to you soon!

Almost afraid to post!

Things have been amazingly good (with my mom, anyhow). I don't know if it's a matter of the old medications getting out of her system, or the new medications taking effect, but the difference has been nothing short of miraculous! She's been remembering things that she hasn't known for over a year. She's not getting lost in her apartment. She's having ZERO incontinence problems. And she's laughing and singing. Amazing. She's still in her apartment. We are not staying with her any more. She didn't need us, she was doing everything by herself, and what she needed help with, the "helpers" had no problems with.

Thor's girlfriend seems to be gone. Sometimes my mom is still a little confused, but nowhere as bad as she was. She called my brother "what's-his-name" today (grin). But she is, for the most part, making sense, and doing better than she has in months. So the move to the memory care facility is on hold, no pressing need at the moment. I keep waiting for this to "crash", for the "honeymoon" to be over, but so far it's been great. She even remembers what she had for breakfast--"An apple turnover" as opposed to "some kind of roll". Wow.


On the other hand, I got pretty angry with DH. He was bringing DD (and her bio mo) to the movie theater in town. That's one of the things we allow them to do without us supervising, because it has a "start" and an "end". This time, however, nobody realized until they got to the theater, that the movie was rated "R". (The movie theater in our town only has one screen, so it's "take it or leave it" when you go to see a movie.) DD begged. And begged some more. She (and DH) know very well that we don't allow her to see "R" movies. She's so impressionable, we don't want her to think that life is really like that (full of sex and violence) (even though it is, to a certain extent, if she believes that it's ok, she'll be more likely to try to imitate)...DH let her go.

I haven't been so angry in years. I slammed cupboards, slammed doors, Didn't talk to him for two days. He knows better. But he took the "lazy" way out. He didn't feel like dealing with one of DD's tantrums, so he just let her do whatever. I'm still angry, thinking about it. Really angry. He's been helping out so much with my mom, but in other areas, the laziness is just taking over. He can't take three steps on the deck to put his cigarette butt in the ash tray, so there are cigarette butts all over the ground. The trash can that we put our aluminum cans in is full, so instead of emptying it into a trash bag and starting over, he throws his cans on the ground. And the dogs. Buffy, is a full-blooded collie. And she's a bur magnet. She doesn't go too far away from the house, but every time she is given any freedom, she comes back covered in burs. And I don't have time to groom her every day. But DH is too lazy to walk outside and put her on the leash, it's so much easier (for him) to just open up the door and let her go.

I'm sick of the laziness. Really. DD does more work around our house than he does, and that's not saying much. I've started speaking to him again, but mostly because Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I don't want to ruin it by being mad. (But I still am, LOL). I figure I'll wait until after Thanksgiving to bring up the laziness.

But really....except for keeping an eye on my mom, I really don't ask much of him at all.....

Thank goodness, I think.

We/I finally found the owner of the dog. He was two miles away from home when I found him....they were sure he had been shot by a deer hunter...I hope they keep him closer to home from now on....DH will miss the dog, and actually, so will I--there's something about an older dog that's already "broken in"--you don't have to teach it all the doggie-manners that you have to teach a younger dog...but....we do have five other dogs that need attention, too....and most of them are already "broken in" too :-)

My mom is, apparently, being discharged from the geri-psych unit tomorrow. So right now, the tentative plan is to bring her back to her apartment, and see how things go until Monday or Tuesday and at that point decide if she'll be moving. I did look at the dementia/memory care assisted living, and I do believe that it's what my mom really needs. But, of course, it's not that cut and dried, because it's quite a bit more expensive than where she has been living. Her current apartment with services is about $3,000 a month (not a typo, for those of you who have never had a parent in a "facility"). The demential care assisted living would run about $5,000 a month. That's quite a difference. My mom is not rich. Her funds consist of social security and the money she got when we sold her modest house (we sold it for about $160,000). So it will run out. And since we don't have an "official" plan in place as far as my mom moving yet, it seems like we should give it the old "schoolyard try" and see if she can make it for another couple of months before she moves. I'm rather doubtful. And I'm a little bit more comfortable with the idea of her moving, now that I've seen where she would probably be going. It's a pretty nice place, a lot newer than where she lives now, and LOCKED. She would have more attention there than she does (from the aides) at her apartment right now. But she would have to give up her cat. I'm not sure how big of a deal that would be for her. Sometimes I don't think she'd notice much, and sometimes I think she really depends on him. I guess we'll have to see what happens.

Oh--and yes, I'm stressed out about all this. I wasn't ready for my mom to come home yet. I wish she could stay there for another month. It's so nice to know that she's someplace where they know what she really needs....now comes the hardest part, I guess, seeing if she can handle her apartment for a few more months or not....luckily, if she does end up moving, the weather is still pretty nice....

And DD. I don't know how I'm going to make it three more years with this crap. Let's see....yesterday she threatened another kid at school and the kid's parents called us. DH told them that it was ok for them to call the school--that maybe they could do something. DH was, I could tell, on the brink of a mood swing, so I told him not to even bring it up with DD, because if they both have short fuses, there's no telling what could happen....

So then today the school called and DD had apparently written or copied some kind of poem about "I want to die" and something about school. It was about two years ago that she told a bunch of kids at school that she had a "hit list" and that they were all on it, so the school takes things rather seriously. Apparently when DD was confronted by a teacher (or an administrator, I don't know which one) regarding the poem, she had a tantrum there in school. And refused to go to the EBD room to calm herself down. So they called us about that. I was visiting my mom at the time.

So apparently then she got home and had a tantrum because she didn't want to do her chores. And so DH had said "Ok, then I'll do them." And she just flew into another rage. DH was so mad that he was yelling at me when he was telling me this stuff. I'm just so sick of all of it. I'm sick of DH's drama and DD's drama. I've got enough real-life drama, and I wish they'd both just shut up.

It's three more years until DD graduates if she manages to stay out of jail until then. I have no idea how I'm going to do it.