On friends....

I've written before about how, when DH started to act "weird", most, nearly all, of his friends drifted away. The only one he is still in touch with is Jim. And we are talking about a guy (DH) who used to make friends everywhere he went. He would start talking to some guy at the hardware store, and the next thing you knew, he was going to their house, or they were coming over. That's all gone.

But this post is about me. And what bipolar has done to my friendships. When this started, I had three close friends. I'm kind of an introvert, so I was fine with that. The first friend of mine, I've known since I was 11 years old. We've known each other through a lot. But when it comes to DH, she doesn't want to talk about it. She'll ask me how I'm doing. And I'll say something about what is going on in my life and, if it involves mental illness, she ALWAYS changes the subject. I feel like she wants to be my friend, but is afraid of the bipolar. And she has no idea how to support me, because she's never dealt with this before. I don't know how I would act if I was in her shoes. It's uncomfortable, to say the least. For both of us. Maybe we'll be back to being close friends when DH is more stable, or when his problems are not front and center in my life any more (i.e., if I "get used to" the situation and it becomes "normal").

My other good friend, I've known since DH and I got married. We have so much in common, so many shared interests and I really enjoyed her company. We could email each other literally for hours and hours! We both moved to our town at about the same time, and had similar upbringings. It was a lot of fun. So, maybe she "drifted away" too, you think? Nope. I blew this one. Big time. Because of bipolar and my own insecurities about it. When DH started to have problems, I, who had shared so many happy times with my friend, didn't know how to talk about it. I was embarrassed. I was nervous. And I didn't want to think that any "weird" stuff from DH was more than just a fluke. I'm sure my friend would have sympathized. I have no doubt. But the more time went on, and when she would tell me that she and her DH were going on a big vacation, and how excited she was, I just couldn't bring myself to tell her what was going on in my life. I was afraid of the stigma. I was afraid of being the one who didn't have the perfect marriage any more. And I didn't want her and her husband to look at us differently. Well, that happened anyhow, so in hindsight, all I did was make myself miserable.....I couldn't tell her that the reason I never sent her a Christmas card was because I was too busy dealing with working 2 jobs and taking care of DH....I couldn't tell her that the reason I never sent a card for her daughter's graduation was because I didn't have any money....and I couldn't invite her over any more, because this was the friend of mine who had always teased me that our house was so clean, people could eat off the floors....now, if she saw it, she might not even want to walk on those floors!!! Anyhow, there were a lot of things that I didn't think I could do. And now, I'm realizing, as the emails from her are less and less, that I did this to myself, although I didn't know it at the time. That is sad. I'll try to learn from it, for sure....but still sad....

My third friend, I'm still friends with her. She's the one whose husband passed away last year. I don't remember why I felt like I could confide in her and not my other friend, but that's the case. She tries to understand and she worries about my lack of funds. But she has never experienced anything like bipolar either, so sometimes it's hard to explain my thinking....and I don't want her to know details, because I'm still kind of scared as to what she would think, even though my heart knows better than that.

But you know, despite the fact that bipolar has helped me to grow away from my friends, there is a friend-related benefit, and that is all of you!! I had no idea that there were people with relatives with bipolar, people who actually have bipolar who can give me their point(s) of view, and friendly people who really just want to offer support, advice, or a cyber-hug....I had no idea. When I started this blog, it was all for me. It was a diary where I could express my feelings without hurting anyone. I never envisioned all the other benefits I would get out of it. So in that sense, I just wanted to say "thank you" to everyone who reads this blog, and, whether you comment or not, I appreciate you and treasure you all!

Carol and the animals...

Ms Kizzle left a comment that was very supportive of me, regarding my dog Sarah, and her vet bill(s). I really appreciated that, but it made me think that there are probably a lot of you who wonder why, if we are so broke, do I/we have so many animals....and I really don't know the exact reason, but I wanted to share a few things that popped into my head just so you know me a little better :-)

The very first thing I need to share is that they say that everyone has a "special talent". Well, it appears that my most special talent is that I'm a "stray magnet". Stray cats and dogs will come to me under very strange circumstances. I don't understand it and probably never will. The animals just find me.

I don't go out and "get" animals. I've only done that two or three times in my life. I went out to "get" Kirby when he was a puppy, sixteen years ago, from a farmer, because I wanted a dog. I set out to "get" a friend for him, when he was about 6 months old, that was my/our dog Oreo (I didn't know DH at that time, it was 16 years ago!). We got Oreo from the Humane Society, and she died when she was 12 of hemangiosarcoma. Then, I missed Oreo so much, that we went to a different shelter and got Sarah. Otherwise, strays just find me. I've been like that my entire adult life. Even in college, stray cats would find me. It was easier back then, though, because there were people around who were willing to help.

I only take in an animal if I feel that it's life is in immediate danger. And I always try to find the owners. It's still very difficult for me to recognize in my heart that someone could "throw away" a dog or a cat.

I hate having this many animals, especially when I'm not home enough to give them the kind of care I feel they should have. But there's no way to decide who would stay and who would go, because I love each individual one.

There are no animal shelters in my county. None. There are some people who take in stray dogs, but stray cats...? Well, if someone finds a stray cat in my area, the options are: a) shoot it b) let it die on its own or c) find someone to care for it

Even the vets really don't value cats. When my cat Que-Queek was dying of kidney failure, the vet told me, "you know you could get a new cat for a lot cheaper..." I was appalled. But that's kind of how it is around here. Animals, especially cats, are a dime a dozen. Or even less than that.

Most farmers I know just shoot the cats they run across. There really aren't a lot of options. So the cats that come into my life stay. All the animals are spayed or neutered. I understand way too well that the reason there are so many animals in my house is because there are more animals than there are homes.

Many of these animals were family members of mine long before I was struggling financially. And a couple of them arrived while I believed that DH would get better, and things would get "back to normal". They didn't, as you know, but I had already made the commitment. For me, it's a lifetime thing.

The chickens and ducks, I've been just letting the numbers dwindle via attrition. I hate dealing with them in winter, and right now I'd be fine with just two or three chickens for eggs, and that being all. But...I've made a commitment to them, too, and I'll let them live out their lives if at all possible. I'd be really sad, thinking that any of them ended up in a soup pot.

And the two rabbits. I think they're about 6 years old. Supposedly Mrs. Bun has uterine cancer. DH bought the buns as babies for a dollar each at a farm auction when nobody else wanted them. I don't find stray bunnies (yet anyhow, LOL) so there won't be any more.

And as crazy as things get, I have to tell you, that there are many days when those animals have saved my marriage. They've saved my sanity. They've made me laugh when I was miserable. And the love and gratitude is so worth it to me. I wish I was home more. But they don't complain. Some days, those animals are all I cling to....when DD is being hateful, and I'm married to "That Guy", the animals are my family....and I'll deal with their old age issues just as I would any family member, to the best of my ability.

I love my pets. They're the best.

My mom had a bad day.

When I got to my mom's yesterday, she didn't know what day it was. I told her it was Wednesday, and she said, "Oh, ok!" I didn't think TOO much about it, because hey, when you don't go to work or school and eat where you live, I can see how it would be easy to get mixed up. But then she asked me again.

I said, "Today's Wednesday, and remember, I won't be coming home tonite." (That way she knows not to try to "call" me at home) (She can't actually dial a phone, but she has a voice-activated dialer to do it for her. All she has to do is tell the phone who she wants to call--i.e. "Carol's cell phone".)

So then she said, in a surprised voice, "You're working tomorrow?" And I said, once again, "Yeah, today's Wednesday, and that's the night I stay over at my friend's house." She said, "You do?" "I'm all mixed up." I thought that maybe she was just waking up from dozing off or something. Normally she knows my work schedule better than I do.

So then I told her, "I put some money on the kitchen counter for when you get your hair done tomorrow." And she said, "I'm getting my hair done tomorrow?" (She gets her hair done EVERY Thursday, at the salon where she lives. And EVERY Wednesday, I put $15 on her kitchen counter for her to pay for it.) And I reminded her once more that "Today is Wednesday, tomorrow is the day you get your hair done here, by Cheryl, the hairdresser. Tomorrow's Thursday."

At this point I really had to go to work, so I told her that I would talk to her on the phone later. And that she didn't have to worry about calling me, I'd get a hold of her even if she didn't call. Then she said, "Carol's cell phone, right?" And I said, "Yes, if you want to call me on my cell phone in the next two hours, call "Carol's cell phone". After that, you have to call "Carol at work" because I'll be at work. And she said, "Carol's cell phone". And I was still thinking that maybe she had just woken up, and that in a little while she'd be back to knowing. So I just told her again that I'd talk to her later.

Then, about three hours later, I got a call at work from my brother. He said, "Can you call Mom? She's worried about you. She said you were coming over in two hours and you're still not there. And you're not answering your cell phone. She says she's called you about ten times now." (Of course I didn't know that, because I was at work and my cell phone doesn't get a signal when I'm at work) So I called my mom and reassured her. But the way she got confused has me concerned. It's probably just a "bad day"...I hope....it's so painful....

Kinda stressing out....

I always tend to think that if the need is truly heartfelt, the money will come from somewhere. But now that I'm thinking about it, I'm kind of stressing out about where in the budget that money for the veterinarian is going to come from....and another test on Friday....

I guess I've still got the roof money....and I can work some extra shifts to make up for it....well, when you have animals there are some things you can put off, but this wasn't one of them. So be it, things will work out. Right?

I guess it could be worse...

Well, here's something for "That Guy" to chew on:

You know all those urinary problems with Kirby? Remember he's got kidney failure probably cancer....? Well, Kirby still seems to be feeling better, he's following me around outside when I do my chores, wagging his tail more, digging in the garbage more (I know, not usually a good thing, but in this case I think it is....) and all in all seems to be feeling better. But still not able to go through the night without an accident. Every single morning I have to clean up the floor in the laundry room. But I know Kirby doesn't have much time left, and that's just how it is going to be for now.

I'm lucky that for this week, anyhow, "That Guy" seems to only be lurking in the background...DH has been trying to do more around the house to help, being more considerate and less selfish....not quite "normal" DH, but doing pretty good.

But...

Last week, Sarah, our 14 year old blue heeler dog (that's her in the picture--the white kitty next to her is Que-Queek, he died two years ago of kidney failure) started having accidents in the house. LOTS of them. Everywhere. Mostly in front of the door, but some of them were like she knew she had to go, but couldn't get herself up and to the door in time, so there was a trail....anyhow, it's been pretty bad. So I brought her to the vet yesterday. And after $250 worth of tests, here is what we found:

All of her blood work--kidneys, liver, white count, blood sugar, thyroid, etc., are fine. Absolutely perfect, and probably better than you would expect in a 14 year old dog. But....her urinalysis proved otherwise. They did a test called "specific gravity" and it was way low. The vet believes Sarah may have a disorder called "Diabetes Insipidus". It's not regular diabetes, but it's where a dog (or a person) can no longer concentrate urine. Which means that there is a lot of drinking and a lot of peeing. Supposedly this is caused EITHER by a lack of a certain hormone, or the body's inability to respond the hormone. So we may be able to try treating her with the hormone, but the vet says he hasn't really seen good results. Not much else we can do. Not life threatening, unless she doesn't have access to water, because she can get dehydrated very quickly. The vet recommended that Sarah become an "outside" dog.

We are going to have one more test on Friday to determine "for sure" whether she has it. We have to take away her water Thursday afternoon and they will check her urine on Friday to see if the specific gravity has changed at all.

I'm really lucky that "That Guy" has only just peeked in occasionally to let me know he's still around. He did get upset with the peeing until we knew completely that it wasn't Sarah's fault. Then he seemed to accept it. And today, I told DH that "Every time I think about starting to get Sarah used to being an "outside dog", I get really sad. I hate the thought of that. But I also hate the thought of all these accidents." Then I told DH, "I completely understand if you want to start leaving her out more, I am just having a hard time with it."

And DH said, "Yeah, I know what you mean. She's old. And she's been an inside dog all this time, and we can't explain to her why she has to live outside. Maybe I can tear up the carpet in the entry way by the door and put some linoleum down. I don't think I'm going to be able to make her live outside either."

I'm afraid to even think about what "That Guy" would've said, but I know it wouldn't have been that. This is part of what is so confusing about the bipolar. I never know which guy I'm married to that day. This guy is the one I married. Too bad I'm stuck with the other one, too.

Smile for the day!

Clarification

From a couple of the comments on my last post, I felt like I needed to clarify things regarding the youth "ministry" group in our town. I don't know them personally. These kids are not from my town, they COME to our town in order to become a part of this "ministry". I do know that they have all been in trouble with the law and that the ministry was started "to give them a chance to turn their lives over to God." I do believe very strongly in forgiveness and in second chances... and I think that most of these kids are just doing the best they can....

And if DD was a "normal" teen, I'd feel a lot less trepidation about them. But she has FASD, and that makes her very impulsive, with little cause/effect judgment, about as mature as a 10 year old, and she also wants desperately to have friends and fit in. My fear regarding the "ministry" kids is really less about them than it is about DD.

Even if every single kid in that group has changed his/her life, I have no doubt that they have had experiences that I would not like DD to have.

A 16 year old with "normal" judgment could filter out the bad, and dwell on the good. But DD is not like that. If she thinks another kid is "cool", she is going to want to be just like them. If they joke or reminisce about their past(s), she is going to want to be "like them".

And, the very real possibility exists that a number of those kids are not doing this because they want to give their lives to God, they are doing it to get out of going to juvie. DD could and would very easily be misled. Since, as a parent, it is my job to keep her safe, I think that keeping her out of situations like that is my responsibility (and DH's too, if he can do it).

And for those of you who asked, here is why DD did not get a consequence that day:

She does not truly understand DH's illness or that he is sick at all. Since her maturity level is still around 10 year old, everything is "all about her" and she does not have a very good ability to recognize another person's situation/problems.

And on that night, she wouldn't have known that DH was not "with it" that night, all she knew, really, was that "Sometimes Dad says no, but sometimes if I ask him again, he might say yes." So that's what she did. Any kid would do that.

I think the first night, the one that DH didn't remember, where DD lied about her plans, called for a consequence. And the consequence was that she not be able to hand out with her friend that night. (DD lies almost all the time, so a bigger punishment (piled on top of the consequence for tomorrow's lies, and the next day's, etc....) might end up causing consequences to stretch into next year!)

But this time, the only thing DD really did was ask. DH was the one who didn't remember the previous time.

I keep telling myself: She's 16. She's not doing drugs. She's not pregnant. She's not in trouble with the law (yet). So she's doing better than a lot of teens. But part of that is a result of being proactive and knowing how she operates.

Memory problems in my non-Alzheimer's family member

Prologue:
There is a "ministry" group in our town. It is made up of teens who have been in trouble with the law and have decided to turn their life around as Christians. I think that's wonderful. But no matter what is in their heart, they make me very nervous. And many parents in our town.

Last week:
DD asked DH if she could go to a "church program" in the library basement. Supposedly her friend's church. I was at work (as usual) but DH was doing pretty good on the parenting stuff, and, after a few questions, it came out that the meeting wasn't actually AT the library, it was in the park across from the library, and it was with this "ministry" group, not a church. After a call to DD's friend's parents, we learned that they felt the same way about that group, and no, their daughter goes to the Baptist church in town. So DH knew something was up, and said no way. I thought that was a good call. DD is very impressionable and needs to be around people who are GOOD influences.

Tonite:
I was at work (again) and called the house. No answer. I called DH's cell phone. "I'm at (DD's friend)'s house, waiting for them to get done at that concert."

Me: WHAT???? I thought we talked about that last week.

DH: We did?

Me: Yes, there was a "meeting" in the library that turned out to be in the park, supposedly a church group, but it was this "ministry" and DD lied about it....and we decided that it was an absolute "no way"??????

DH: That sounds familiar....

Me: What is going on?

DH: I don't remember all that from last week.

Me: You don't remember how DD lied about her friend going to that "church" for years and years????

DH: Well I kind of remember about that....

Me: I thought we decided that she wasn't going to be allowed to do that!

DH: Well, um...I....

Me: I'm not mad, I'm confused and worried.

DH: I'll call you after I get DD in bed.


Next thing:
Earlier this week, I bought some little tomato plants for the garden, and some rhubarb. I told DH that the rhubarb needed to go in a spot by itself, because it comes back every year and if we put it in the garden and dig up the garden, then the rhubarb will not do well. I told him this twice.

Then yesterday, he came in and told me that he'd put all the plants in the garden, and I asked, "And you put the rhubarb in a spot by itself, right?" No.

He didn't even remember me telling him anything about the rhubarb. Or to save some of the dirt to start some seeds with, either.

I don't even know who to be mad at. He doesn't remember. And he clearly isn't on the "good parent" bus this week, either. Everything is so unpredictable. I just wish I knew what to expect from one minute to another. I think when he goes back tohis PDOC, I am going to bring up the memory problems. It's scary sometimes.

He thinks he remembers just fine, until he doesn't.