Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Struggling with DD's issues

Ok, it's really tough for me to admit this, but I currently intensely dislike DD.  She has been living in the adult foster care group home for mentally ill adults now for about a year and a half, and every time I talk to her, I am so very glad that she no longer lives in our house....

Last weekend was just an example:  She came home for a visit.  The very first thing she told me when she got in the car was "Mom.  My friend committed suicide yesterday."  I felt terrible.  What an awful thing, even for a mentally stable person to have to cope with.  I was hugely sympathetic, told her that suicide is caused by mental illness, offered to help her in any way I could.  She said "her mom (the friend's mom) is going to let me know when the funeral is."  I told her I would help her get to the funeral and even go with her if she wanted me to.  I just felt so awful for her.  Then, as she was rambling on about it, she stated "And they don't even know if she's going to live."  WHAT?????????????

Turns out the friend wasn't dead after all.
The friend DID attempt suicide, but was already out of the hospital.  DD realized though, that she'd get more attention if her friend actually died, so that's what the story became.  At that point, I wanted to bring her right back to the group home, but I didn't, of course.....she then went on to tell me about (same old story) how she is getting "bullied" at work.  (She works in a supported work environment with behavioral supports and such for people with mental health issues). 

The story on the bullying?  The same thing.  She has latched on to the word "bullying" because so many people are talking about it these days.  Usually, at work, she is the one doing the bullying, is what I am told. 

So we went home, and I clearly explained to DD the difference between attempting suicide and committing suicide.  She said she understood.  I warned DH about this conversation.  And DD?  She told her dad the exact same thing!  "My friend committed suicide."  And he very patiently explained again the difference and that no, she did not.

So cut to Friday.  We got a call that she and the boy who had been "bullying" her, had been given feedback about an inappropriate conversation they were having at work.  The staff at work separated the two, and DD "flipped out".  The group home had to come and bring her home, where they were not able to calm her down.  The episode culminated with DD cutting herself superficially in the arm and being brought to the hospital.  When the nurse called me, she (the nurse) told me that DD has been under a lot of stress at work and also stress from her friend killing herself. I wanted to scream.

I am struggling with the lies and the manipulation.  I know it's hallmark to FASD.  But I am having troubles accepting it.  Frankly, in the "real world", I pick up on people like this and avoid them like the plague.  And DD is no different.  I don't want to spend any time with her.  I don't want her to come over, I don't want to call her.  Because it's all going to be a bunch of drama that isn't true.  And I know that I'm her mom and I said that I'd love her forever.  But I wish she would just stay away.  I don't like her.  And I feel hugely guilty about that. 


Maia G2 said...

oh my heart just aches for you. My situation is the same - just reversed. It's my mom who pulls this stunt. Last Christmas she told everyone she had breast cancer. She had a biopsy and had a small begnin lump removed...but I can't tell you how many people called me to say, "you should be kind to your poor mother who is dying of cancer." I wanted to kill her...and felt hugely guilty as well. You'll probably get some flak for calling it...but you have to. if not this manipulation and tiny white lies take over your entire life....just know someone out there is sending you all their best vibes. Hang in there.

perphila said...

This is kind of like what I tell the kids when they want to rip their hair out about their dad when he lies or exaggerates the truth. You know this is how she/he behaves. You may not like it but you just have to accept this because she/he probably isn't going to change. So, when this stuff happens to the kids I just tell them if you truly accepts it then it won't bother you as much. It your expectations of having a "normal" dad that is hurting you. Let it go. Sounds easy but it isn't. You know you will be getting phone calls from nurses/parents/case workers saying this or that and even if you have told them once they are just not going to remember. I have to do the same thing when I get calls from teachers or doctors or lawyers about thing Sean has said or done that are out and out lies and at first I just wanted to strangle him and blamed him. I never knew what was illness and what just might be him being a jerk. Next, I just wanted everything to stop. I cried, got frustrated and angry, wished he just didn't exist anymore so I would get a break. I am kind of Zen about if now with little lapses here, what can you do. Just being able to acknowledge your feelings is a good thing. You can't move on to a better place if you try and hide from thoughts you might be feeling guilty about. I'm with you on this one...

Wynn Anne Sibbald said...

Has your DD been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? Even this short post sounds a LOT like BPD.

Anonymous said...

I know this is an old post, but I agree with the previous poster that said this sounds like borderline personality disorder. Obviously I am nowhere near qualified to even offer a diagnoses, but based on my experiences, that sounds very similar to BPD. Just from the few entries I've read, it sounds like you have so much on your plate. Hope things are looking up for you.