»

Friday, November 26, 2010

Tonite sucked and I'm hurt and scared.

My mom's strange stories keep coming.  There have been strange stories before, but never like this--these are new since the UTI. They're always "bad" stories--like "those three little girls, they were taken away, never to be seen again, and they didn't even remember their mother's name" or "I need to keep my head down because they've been shooting at me all day." Or..."I've heard them talking in the hallway and I'm to be hanged in the morning. I killed 600 people, you know"....you get the idea....this sort of talk has only been "the norm" in the past, when there has been a UTI or other health problem. Prior to the original UTI, there were NO stories like this, and although my mom had little to no short term memory, she know me, could talk about the weather, and tell me what she'd had for supper, so she was as rooted in the present moment as she could be.

I have been visiting my mom at the NH every night after work for a very long time. Yesterday DH and DD (who had a pass for the day from the treatment center where she's been staying) and I had Thanksgiving dinner at the NH with my mom. My mom ate a few bites of everything, but didn't eat too well. In fact, she could barely stay awake, but she did try--I think she knew it was a Holiday....When I went back later, I heard that the aides were very happy that my mom not only ate a little Thanksgiving dinner, but also ate a little of the regular supper, too--they're all worried that she hasn't been eating much.

Today at 10:30am I got a call that my mom was refusing her medications and did I think she would take them for me...? I went to the NH and got my mom to take her pills, then I stayed to help her eat her lunch. She ate: 1 green bean, 1 spoonful of mashed potatoes, one spoonful of hot-dish, 1 90-calorie container of yogurt, and a chocolate chip cookie. She drank a cup of juice, a cup of coffee, and a tiny glass of milk. So that wasn't so bad...

Then when I went back after supper, they told me that she had refused to eat anything at all for supper (again). I had brought a cheeseburger from Hardees (fast food was her favorite up until the UTI hit) and had to beg and plead to get her to eat three bites. Then I tried a chocolate Ensure-type shake, which has worked in the past...and she refused to try that, too. Since we had talked earlier about how important it is to eat so that her body doesn't get sick, I reminded her of this and she said "CAN'T YOU SEE I'VE BEEN SHOT? THEY'VE BEEN SHOOTING AT ME ALL DAY AND NOW I'M SHOT AND YOU WANT ME TO EAT!" I quickly put the food away and just told her that I love her and don't want her to feel bad. And she said "NO YOU DON'T, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU KEEP SAYING THAT." I said "because I'm your daughter, and I come to see you every day and I love you!" and she said "OH I KNOW YOU COME EVERY DAY. I USED TO THINK YOU LOVED ME BUT NOW I KNOW HOW SELFISH YOU REALLY ARE. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU KEEP COMING HERE."

I was so shocked and hurt. She's never said anything like that to me before, even when she didn't know who I was, she always at least liked me....I completely didn't know how to respond and felt myself getting angry because of my hurt feelings, so I left.

I'm so scared and worried. I don't know what to do or think....and I feel bad that I left, because intellectually, I know she didn't mean it, but it still hurt....this is all such a drastic change for my mom, and the not eating--even at her absolute worst health crisis I could get her to eat....

I'm scared that this could be signifying that the end is closer than I ever thought....and I'm not anywhere near ready.....

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

So glad you wrote this down so I can send positive thoughts your way. May you feel wrapped in love and security. April

perphila said...

Your head knows your mom can't help what she may say but your heart doesn't. Sometimes things change too fast for our hearts to keep up and we feel helpless. You are doing your very best with everything that's going on. I'm glad your Thanksgiving at least went well and you were able to have DD there as well. All you can do is keep doing what you're doing and know it's ok to walk away to gather yourself up sometimes so don't feel guilty about that. I will pray for your mom and your family.

GB's Mom said...

I went through spells when my mother didn't like me very much. I tried to keep even during those times and be available for the good moments. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but totally worth it. {{{Hugs}}}

In the Pink said...

(giant HUG) I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. I know you realize this but just know it is the illness talking not the mother who loves you. You are a very attentive and loving daughter. I can tell by how proactive you are in your mom's life. You are a wonderful advocate for her and it is a shame she is unable to voice that to you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. Our mother's words can hurt more than anyone else's, even when we know our mother doesn't really mean what she's saying, but it is the disease that's talking, not the mother you love. As a mother and grandmother, my heart goes out to you. ((hugs))
- Daisy in AZ

Miz Kizzle said...

I'm sorry. When my mom died it was a relief because she had been suffering from pancreatic cancer for a long time and she was in agony and ready to go. She was lucid to the end and her only regret was leaving me, her only child, when I was barely out of college.
Losing a loved one hurts; there's no way around it. Can you ask you mom's doctor what he/she thinks is going on with her not eating?

Michelle said...

I found your blog through the links on BlogHer and first I want to say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you are feeling that sting. My father has Alzheimer's and I've been there and I know. I knew it wasn't 'him' but oh man, it hurt so bad. I feel like each day I'm grieving over losing him again. It's such a cruel disease.
After reading your 'about me' I was surprised at how much we have in common. Both 43, both married 10 years (well, it's 11 for us) and both have a special needs daughter. Ours is our granddaughter who is just like a daughter to us.
You and your mom are in my prayers hun. I hope that today is better for the both of you.
hugs
Michelle