Tonite sucked and I'm hurt and scared.

My mom's strange stories keep coming.  There have been strange stories before, but never like this--these are new since the UTI. They're always "bad" stories--like "those three little girls, they were taken away, never to be seen again, and they didn't even remember their mother's name" or "I need to keep my head down because they've been shooting at me all day." Or..."I've heard them talking in the hallway and I'm to be hanged in the morning. I killed 600 people, you know"....you get the idea....this sort of talk has only been "the norm" in the past, when there has been a UTI or other health problem. Prior to the original UTI, there were NO stories like this, and although my mom had little to no short term memory, she know me, could talk about the weather, and tell me what she'd had for supper, so she was as rooted in the present moment as she could be.

I have been visiting my mom at the NH every night after work for a very long time. Yesterday DH and DD (who had a pass for the day from the treatment center where she's been staying) and I had Thanksgiving dinner at the NH with my mom. My mom ate a few bites of everything, but didn't eat too well. In fact, she could barely stay awake, but she did try--I think she knew it was a Holiday....When I went back later, I heard that the aides were very happy that my mom not only ate a little Thanksgiving dinner, but also ate a little of the regular supper, too--they're all worried that she hasn't been eating much.

Today at 10:30am I got a call that my mom was refusing her medications and did I think she would take them for me...? I went to the NH and got my mom to take her pills, then I stayed to help her eat her lunch. She ate: 1 green bean, 1 spoonful of mashed potatoes, one spoonful of hot-dish, 1 90-calorie container of yogurt, and a chocolate chip cookie. She drank a cup of juice, a cup of coffee, and a tiny glass of milk. So that wasn't so bad...

Then when I went back after supper, they told me that she had refused to eat anything at all for supper (again). I had brought a cheeseburger from Hardees (fast food was her favorite up until the UTI hit) and had to beg and plead to get her to eat three bites. Then I tried a chocolate Ensure-type shake, which has worked in the past...and she refused to try that, too. Since we had talked earlier about how important it is to eat so that her body doesn't get sick, I reminded her of this and she said "CAN'T YOU SEE I'VE BEEN SHOT? THEY'VE BEEN SHOOTING AT ME ALL DAY AND NOW I'M SHOT AND YOU WANT ME TO EAT!" I quickly put the food away and just told her that I love her and don't want her to feel bad. And she said "NO YOU DON'T, I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU KEEP SAYING THAT." I said "because I'm your daughter, and I come to see you every day and I love you!" and she said "OH I KNOW YOU COME EVERY DAY. I USED TO THINK YOU LOVED ME BUT NOW I KNOW HOW SELFISH YOU REALLY ARE. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU KEEP COMING HERE."

I was so shocked and hurt. She's never said anything like that to me before, even when she didn't know who I was, she always at least liked me....I completely didn't know how to respond and felt myself getting angry because of my hurt feelings, so I left.

I'm so scared and worried. I don't know what to do or think....and I feel bad that I left, because intellectually, I know she didn't mean it, but it still hurt....this is all such a drastic change for my mom, and the not eating--even at her absolute worst health crisis I could get her to eat....

I'm scared that this could be signifying that the end is closer than I ever thought....and I'm not anywhere near ready.....