Here's something you probably weren't expecting....

I found out this past week that my cousin, age 35, who, up until this year, has never been much interested in girls, is moving in with his first serious girlfriend.  He's brought her to several family functions, and I have to say, I really really like her.  She fits right in and doesn't have a speck of that condescension that DH's brother's ex-wife had.  She's smart, self-reliant, and kind-hearted.  And I'm really excited for my uncle and aunt, who had pretty much written off the possibility of grandchildren at all, ever--to me, this whole thing seems very hopeful and terrific!

So what's the big secret?  I almost can't write this.  I'm blushing, actually. 

I'm jealous.

I don't want to marry my cousin or anything like that.  I'm jealous that he was willing/able to wait until he found "the" one.  I'm jealous that he's found someone that he truly has a lot in common with, someone that....ok, ok....nobody knows the future, and nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.  But I wonder, if maybe I had been choosier about who I got involved with, maybe I'd be happier?

But as I'm writing this, I realize:  I thought I did it right at the time, too.  DH was employed in a management position at a trucking firm.  He was putting away money to help send his brother to art school.  He had his own apartment.  He balanced his checkbook every day.  If he did have a balance on a credit card, he worked overtime to pay it off as fast as he could.

I'm left here thinking "What happened???"

In hindsight, there were some warning signs that I didn't understand at the time--once in a while "That Guy" would pop out, and I would say to myself "Oh, he must be having a really bad day!"  But why would I do anything else????  Sometimes I wonder, though, and I will probably never know for sure, if the mental illness just suddenly manifested itself or if it was really there the entire time and I just wasn't able to or chose not to notice it.....?  Or maybe DH was better able to hide the problems....I imagine, especially when you're dating and not living together, it's easier to "put on your best face" than it is when you are married to someone, for sure....but I still try to analyze it, try to figure out what I "should" have noticed.

So.....yes.....there's a very long post coming in the next few weeks--"Why I stay".  But every time I start writing it, I go off on tangents.  It's coming, though....

Anyhow.  I'm jealous.  Of the hopes and dreams.  Of the possibility of working as a team member, instead of the "coach".  Of the shared interests.  Potential financial security.  And of course, the big elephant in my living room, the babies.....

Nobody has a crystal ball, for sure.  My cousin and his girlfriend might end up being totally incompatible (I really hope not, though, because they seem perfect for each other).  And maybe there really wasn't much way for me to foresee how my life/marriage would turn out.  I guess tonite I'm just wishing my life was the fairy tale I thought it was going to be.

How's that for a pity party?