Hopeful update

Well, we made it through the Bankruptcy thing, supposedly in a month it'll be discharged and we'll owe $40,000 less than we did. I did give some thought to joining him in the bankruptcy, to get rid of the credit card bills, but I'm not ready to give up my good credit rating, and I think I'd have to give up my car, too, because it's worth more than what they allow you to keep. I'll just keep plugging away on the cards, if I can keep them from being used, they'll get paid off eventually....

Today, DH went out to the yard with Jim and split a bunch of firewood. Then he did laundry. And folded it. And that in itself was a good day. But the best part was when he started talking about going job-hunting.

He called me at work and had me look at the casino's website, and they have a lot of openings for jobs that pay $7 an hour and $8 an hour. I told DH this, and he started to get really excited! (Remember pre-Lithium, when he didn't want to work at the casino at all "because someone might see him working there"? He says he doesn't care any more.)

So I reminded him of the jobs lady that knew "someone" at the casino, who had offered DH a job several months ago, that he opted not to take. He started to get even more excited, and started to wonder if he could still take advantage of that--he said he is going to call that jobs lady first thing in the morning, so that hopefully she can help him.

I also found some fast food restaurants that are hiring. And I fantasized about DH having a "regular" job. He seems really excited, and ALMOST seems to have let go of that other place. He did bring up going back there to "talk to them", but I told him to wait until he was at a good place mentally, where he felt like he could handle them saying negative things about him and probably still not paying him. I don't have a problem at all with him trying to get the money that's owed to him, but I don't want him to go there and end up feeling a million times worse than he does, and still not getting anything good out of it....does that make sense? Maybe I'm wrong, but he gets so down when he thinks he's a big piece of ****, and it seems like if he goes there, he's just inflicting more of that pain on himself. And it also seems like an honest employer would have just up and mailed the check out if they wanted him to have it...who knows? I really don't expect I'll ever know what happened there.

But hearing DH sound so positive about going job hunting made me really feel good, too. Lately I feel less stressed about money. I don't know why, I don't have any more of it than usual, but I'll take that peace, any day.

Funny Video

Hi everyone, I don't usually put videos on this blog, because they usually aren't at all relevant, and this one is no different....but I thought it was so funny, I had to share with you...I guess it's been around for a while, so you might have already seen it, but maybe some of you haven't....I apologize for being off-topic from the usual drama :-)

Lots going on

Well, despite my pity party, it was a very nice birthday. Much nicer than last year, where DH, not having any money, decided that he couldn't do ANYTHING for me for my birthday, not make a card, not clean the house, nothing, so he had a pity party of his own...this year was much better. He still didn't have any money, but he handled it much better, for sure!

Tomorrow is his meeting of the creditors for the bankruptcy--no, it's still not over...but hopefully it will be all done with in about a month. I am hoping that there are no surprises, I keep feeling like "you can't just walk away from $40,000 of debt and not have something dreadful happen," but I guess people do it all the time. I am not a part of the bankruptcy. I did not file, and my credit as of right now is intact and perfect. I have heard from some people that I might end up with a notation on my credit that my husband filed bankruptcy, but I don't know how true that is--I've never done this before (thank goodness, I guess!)

As far as DH's job goes, well, we've had several arguments about it. He went back to the lady to get his "final check" and she was "in meetings". Then the next day, she was "on vacation" and the day after that, she was "at lunch". Finally one of the peon employees told DH that "they" are disputing his final check. Of course he got all upset again. The "boss" seems to be completely avoiding him. To me, the writing is on the wall, and, taking into consideration DH's fragile mental health, I told him not to waste any more time trying to get that money. "But she owes it to me!", he keeps saying. "She's ripping you off," I say, "Do you think that you going down there to argue is going to make her more honest?"
DH: That's not fair, it's my money!!!! She can't dispute that!
Me: It's $200. It's like if a plumber came to your house and you didn't like his work and decided to not pay him, except you're the "plumber". There's no sense in trying to get it, she's clearly avoiding you, she's not going to give you that money, and no attorney in the world is going to waste their time on this. Attorneys make $50 an hour, at least, so really, we just need to let it go."

Then the next day he says "I need to go down and see her about that check."
And we have the same argument all over again, because every time he goes down there and doesn't get paid, he gets more depressed and that isn't doing anything good for anyone. $200 we can live without.

And he hasn't brought up the pawn shop stuff again. Maybe he's starting to see that I can't keep doing it. I think we are going to have to let the pawn shop stuff go, even though it is his brother's gun and not DH's that got pawned. Maybe when DH gets a job again, we can just buy another gun for his brother and nobody will ever be the wiser....I hope, anyhow....

Not much else going on, I guess....I suppose that's enough, huh?

Melancholy Thoughts On Turning 41

You know, this isn't what I expected at all. My birthday's today--July 7, I'm 41. No way around it, unfortunately....I feel like there's so much not done, and the grief over not having had a biological child is very strong. That's what I'm feeling most, this birthday, is that I wish things had been different. I know the odds of me having a biological child at 41 are so slim, and I also know that the odds of DH and I being approved to adopt another child are probably even slimmer than that now, due to the mental illness, and I'm so sad. I'm such a nurturer, it really makes me feel sad that I won't be able to have that part of my life fulfilled. I wish that DH and I were farther along the road to stability, I might go to see a fertility doctor or something, but right now, it probably wouldn't be fair to the child anyhow--I know that things aren't fair to DD, and she's much older....

I never expected things to turn out like this--but I suppose there are very few brides who get up on their wedding day and think, "I'd sure like to know what it's like to be married to someone with a serious mental illness." But it's gotta be someone, I guess...why not us...I feel like by the time these debts get paid off, that everything will be "too late". Too late to have quality time with my mom, too late to stop working two jobs, too late to enjoy DD's growing up years, too late to have another child, or adopt another, too late....I hate birthdays, I really do. Sorry for this bummer of a post.

Ugh.

That's what I feel like. "Ugh" is what DH always says when he is angry and doesn't know how to express it. "Ugh" when there's a lot troubling him. And that's how I feel tonite, so I'm stealing his expression.

The 4th was not too bad. DH seemed a little peppier, and lit some fireworks off for his mom and my mom who had come for the "big show". Mostly, though, he just stayed in bed. This morning, he couldn't wake up for anything, and he had to go to Spenders. He did get out of bed, but I guess he fell asleep in the meeting and was saying things that didn't make any sense. So he came home, and while I was sleeping, brought DD to visit her bio mom in a situation that was not well-controlled and I could not get him to understand that we probably should have discussed it first, even if it meant he had to wake me up. Eventually I figured it was a lost cause and just "forgot" about it.

After that, DH was basically in bed all day. I guess he got up long enough at about 9pm (I was already on my way to work) to tell DD to go to bed. So she did, for about 5 minutes, until DH went back to bed, then she got up again and made a huge mess. I don't know who to be angry with, since DH should've been supervising her, and DD should've known better anyhow, and Jim was there the whole time.....

And DH brought up his pawn shop crap again, too. "It's time"...."tomorrow's the 6th"....like I'm going to be able to just whip out a wad of bills and pay for all of his stupidity. But if I don't, then I'm not a good wife, then I don't love him, etc....I just hate it all today.

I'm feeling very fed up today. I can't do it all, I just can't. I can't work both of these jobs and still be there to supervise DD and supervise DH too. And do 78 zillion loads of laundry, and a few loads of dishes....oh--and my mom is upset because her ice water at dinner didn't have any ice in it. I tried to tell her that maybe it was just warm out and the ice melted, and she said, "well, it never has before." Ugh.

I feel like everything is out of control and no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be able to do everything right. So Ugh. Ugh-Ugh-Ugh.

Bipolar thoughts don't make sense.

I was hoping I could make my next post say something like "Well, he woke up and everything was much better." But it's about the same. DH talked to Jim about the job thing, and Jim told him the same things I did, and to forget about it, chalk it up to "bad luck".

So DH stayed in bed again all day today. Then he finally called me, about a half hour ago. I can't believe it, HE WENT BACK TO HIS WORKPLACE TO SEE IF HE HAD MISUNDERSTOOD. I had told him to stay away from there, Jim had told him to stay away from there, and DH had agreed that it was a good idea to stay away from there.

So he calls me and tells me that he went down there, and nobody (in the office) joked around with him and nobody talked to him. He asked to see his boss, and was told "she's not seeing anyone right now." Pretty much what I would've expected, given what he had told me the other day.

But apparently somehow, his bipolar thinking had convinced him that he had misunderstood, and so going down there set it all in motion again, just like it had just happened. I told him he needed to "let it go", "put it in the past", and he said he couldn't. I told him that he was in charge of how he responds to things, and if he can't get past this, he will end up in the hospital again. He told me I don't understand.

He's right. I don't understand his thinking at all. It's pretty clear to me: Something happened at work, they decided that it wasn't working out, got a replacement worker. Except for the fact that DH has no idea what happened (as far as I can tell anyhow), it seems pretty clear to me. No need to go back there and "make sure". To me, if someone says "Don't call us, we'll call you.", mostly you just assume that they're giving you the brush-off, and if someone actually calls, then it's a better day than you expected. I just don't get this "I just went down there to make sure". That is not how my rational DH thinks--when I married him, he was as clear-headed and perceptive as the next person. So it's gotta be the bipolar and the depression making him do this stuff?

I have briefly thought about going down there myself and politely asking the lady if she could help me understand what happened, so I can help DH not have to go through this again....but since I'm very shy and not very assertive, right now that doesn't seem like it'll happen...I had thought that maybe she could tell me what really happened, and then I wouldn't have to tell DH I was there, but I would have a better idea of what went on and how to help him...I don't even know if she would talk to me, though....well, probably a little daydream of mine....

Just an FYI for all of you: I might post later tonite, depending on what develops, but I have a day off work tomorrow, so unless I get to the library, I won't be posting until Saturday....but I'll give you the lowdown then, for sure.

I'm so scared and worried now

DH, from the sounds of it has been in bed all day :-( I called him and he said, "I'm having a lot of bad thoughts." I started questioning him about the thoughts and he said he really just wants to go to a bar and get drunk. With that comment you need to understand that prior to bipolar, DH and I were such non-drinkers that liquor from our 2000 (year) wedding was still in our house, untouched, in 2005. In other words, neither of us, in our natural state(s), is a drinker of any kind. So this comment was scary in that sense, and also scary because that was one of the big problems that was happening last year--he was going and getting drunk at bars and lying to me about it. And since Lithium, he hasn't had an urge to do that at all, so this seems like a big deal to me.

Then I was asking him more questions, trying to figure out what was bipolar and what was normal feelings (considering his job loss, I'm sure), and I apparently was overzealous, and he said, "I'M NOT ANSWERING ANY OF YOUR QUESTIONS. YOU INTERRUPTED ME THREE TIMES AND SO I'M NOT GOING TO TALK ANY MORE." I felt bad, I hadn't realized I was interrupting, and it's possible that I thought he had paused in his talking when he hadn't, but whatever, in my attempt to figure things out and possibly help or offer advice, I made it worse. Now he won't talk to me at all, and I'm pretty sure he's suicidal. I asked dd if he'd been out of the bedroom all day and she said "no".

I don't know how to handle this, and I'm scared. I'm scared that we are going to fall back into the place we were a year ago, and things had been going so well. Even the "bad" days weren't so bad. I was starting to remember what it was like to have a husband again. And most of it wasn't related to work, although it felt good to have him contributing, and his self-esteem went up, that wasn't it at all. It was seeing him smile, having him ask me how I was doing, how could he help, do you wanna have a "date night"....

I tried to apologize for interrupting him, but he wasn't interested. He just said "I'll call you later." And so far, he hasn't. I wish I had some sort of coping mechanism for these situations, I feel so helpless and frustrated.

Back to square one...

Well, DH came home from work early yesterday, his boss told him that she was "going to spread the work around to several maintenance men" and that she'd call him when she had some work for him. Based on some of the questions he said she asked him, and the fact that he made a mistake on Friday--he accidentally reversed the hot and cold water on a washing machine--and nobody called him to come and fix it and "people were upset all weekend and couldn't do their laundry". Doesn't that just sound stupid??? They've got his number, nobody even called to see if he could/would fix it...then, if the cold and hot water were reversed, couldn't they just wash their stuff in hot water instead of cold and just make it work? Stupid. Of course, I don't know the whole story, I tend to think there's more to it than that, but anything is possible. Yesterday, his alarm went off for him to go in to work and he didn't bother to get up until 11am (he tries to start work at 8am). He told me that they weren't concerned with when he got there or how many breaks he takes, etc., could be that he was wrong about that....I don't really know.

Bottom line is, I think he got canned. I think that ultimately, realistically, that is probably a good thing, because I don't think he was/is ready to take on a job with these kinds of responsibilities, and I think our home life has suffered since he started working there....but financially I wish it hadn't happened, of course...and DH is taking it hard and taking it personally, saying "What am I doing wrong?" "What is wrong with me?" "I must be a piece of ****--I can't keep any job".

I tried to explain to him that when he gets a job where it's basically a one- or two-person situation, it's almost always doomed. The other person might have unrealistic expectations, if they don't do the same kind of work, there's nobody to ask questions to or to train you in properly, and if the one person who's the boss has second thoughts, well, there's not much safety there. I tried to tell him how much better it would be for him to have coworkers, to have others doing the same kind of work, etc., and he said he understood. But I'm not sure I explained it right, the words weren't really fluent....

Then after that conversation, last night before bed, DH told me that he was going to get up and fill out some job applications. But he didn't get up until 1pm. So he didn't do anything at all. I'm feeling pretty frustrated. But I think that once again, my expectations are too high--after all, he's just coming off two years of doing nothing, with virtually no expectations of him, and this work thing was tough and letting go is tough, too. Sometimes it seems like no matter how great the Lithium is, no matter how much better our relationship is, it's just not happening "fast enough" for me. I need to slow down and remember how bad things COULD be and be grateful for what I've got now....