Funding for new mental health and dementia drugs dries up

Following is a snippet from an article in the journal "Nature" regarding funding for new mental health drugs.  Click on the link to read the entire article--it's surprisingly easy to understand and scary.

Psychopharmacology in crisis

Researchers warn of 'withdrawal of hope' as funding shrivels.

Daniel Cressey

Patients face a "withdrawal of hope" as neuropsychopharmacology funding falters.SOVEREIGN, ISM/SCIENCE PHOTO LIBRARY

Many people affected by mental illness are facing a bleak future as drug companies abandon research into the area and other funding providers fail to take up the slack, according to a new report.

Produced for the European College of Neuropsychopharmacology (ECNP), the report warns that "research in new treatments for brain disorders is under threat". With current treatments inadequate for many patients, it says, "withdrawal of research resources is a withdrawal of hope for patients and their families"¹.

Here is the link to the entire article....

http://www.nature.com/news/2011/110614/full/news.2011.367.html?WT.ec_id=NEWS-20110614

I always comfort myself, when I look at my mom and wonder if that's my destiny, too, by telling myself "well, if it is, the treatments will be much better by then...."  so this article was an unwelcome eye-opener.

I finally did it.

I figured that since I have some time on my hands, it would be a good time to start counseling for myself. I had my first appointment yesterday. It was kind of awkward, it seemed like the counselor (a lady, younger than me) kept waiting for me to talk, and I'm a quiet person. I told her what's been going on (you all know that), and that I'm feeling stressed out, scared, and overwhelmed. I told her that I try very hard to accept DH's mental illness but that sometimes I can't tell if it's his mental illness that makes him a slug, or if he's just being lazy. I told her that sometimes I resent him for not contributing more, and that I wished we could be a team again, instead of me doing everything or nagging until he does SOMETHING.

But she really didn't have much to say. So I'm not sure about this....but I know you've got to start somewhere. There aren't a lot of counselors/therapists in our area, and I had to find one who wasn't already familiar with our family/situation. I don't know if she's any good. Maybe she's just waiting until I show up in the middle of a crisis so she can help me "get through" it?

I haven't heard back from that interview yet (the one at my old company) but I'm sure it wouldn't be good news anyhow....bleh. I get angry just thinking about it. I know it probably wasn't meant to be, but jeez.....

Coming to PBS: Minds on the Edge--Facing Mental Illness

This sounds like a very insightful program--I don't have TV right now, so I have to wait until I can watch it on line (after Oct. 1).

"MINDS ON THE EDGE: Facing Mental Illness zeros in on wrenching situations playing out every day in hospital ERs, on city streets and school campuses, in courtrooms and in jails, as Americans struggle with serious mental illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. The dramatic scenario of this Fred Friendly Seminars program reveals personal dilemmas facing individuals and families, medical practices that can be obstacles to treatment, and public polices that are falling short."

"Moderated by Frank Sesno, the program features Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, Nobel-Prize-winning neuroscientist Eric Kandel, Pulitzer-nominated journalist Pete Earley, and other panelists from law, medicine, and public policy — including several who have personally faced the challenges of mental illness and offer their riveting insights."



Here's a link for more information:

Minds on the Edge

Bipolar hubby takes the MMPI....

DH is back to "stable". I guess the problem is that I start thinking that he's going to be "stable" forever now, and I need to recognize (albeit reluctantly), that any little thing can, and will, throw him off. Even though his thinking's still not right, and he forgets at least half of everything I tell him, I'll take this "stability" any day. Things have been so much worse.

And interesting.....DH took the MMPI test recently. We (of course) didn't get a copy of the results, but one of the things that showed up most prominently was that he has a tendency towards having a lot of pain(s) that is/are mental health related. It was referred to as (I think, but didn't write it down) "conversion disorder" and/or "somatization disorder". Nobody, to the best of my knowledge, aside from me and some of the commenters here, has ever seemed to give serious credence to the possibility that DH's back pain might be "all in his head". I felt rather vindicated. I think DH STILL didn't want to believe it, he really didn't jump right up and say, "You know, that's absolutely right!" but I think he's at least thinking about it.... Other things that showed up..."extremely dependent on spouse", "difficult time starting tasks", "possible addictive tendencies"....
Nothing was mentioned about bipolar per se, or spending, or depression....but it could be that since we already knew about those, the therapist just didn't bother reading that part to us? Anyhow, it was very interesting.

DH and I marveled at how a 2-hour test could pick up on things so accurately. He said it was kind of scary that they could know so much about him with just that one test. To the best of my knowledge, it's the first time he's taken it since he became mentally ill. (When he went to the Police Academy, he had to take it, and he was not rejected, so we are assuming that nothing out of the ordinary showed up at that time...?) I wish I could've taken it. I'm curious.

Seroquel. Not just for bipolars any more.

They are putting my mom on Seroquel to try to stop the delusions and paranoia that she has been having. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But I guess I'm willing to try almost anything at this point. They also took some blood samples to make sure that they (once again) weren't missing anything. I'll keep you posted, of course. DH has been unbelievable, for the most part, helping, being supportive, and last night when we went to the grocery store, he didn't whine or complain at all when I didn't want to buy candy or ice cream....he just said "ok". That's a big one for him, really. He's really been trying hard. And I can't imagine what would be going on if he was unstable right now. I'd probably become mentally unstable myself.

Memory problems in my non-Alzheimer's family member

Prologue:
There is a "ministry" group in our town. It is made up of teens who have been in trouble with the law and have decided to turn their life around as Christians. I think that's wonderful. But no matter what is in their heart, they make me very nervous. And many parents in our town.

Last week:
DD asked DH if she could go to a "church program" in the library basement. Supposedly her friend's church. I was at work (as usual) but DH was doing pretty good on the parenting stuff, and, after a few questions, it came out that the meeting wasn't actually AT the library, it was in the park across from the library, and it was with this "ministry" group, not a church. After a call to DD's friend's parents, we learned that they felt the same way about that group, and no, their daughter goes to the Baptist church in town. So DH knew something was up, and said no way. I thought that was a good call. DD is very impressionable and needs to be around people who are GOOD influences.

Tonite:
I was at work (again) and called the house. No answer. I called DH's cell phone. "I'm at (DD's friend)'s house, waiting for them to get done at that concert."

Me: WHAT???? I thought we talked about that last week.

DH: We did?

Me: Yes, there was a "meeting" in the library that turned out to be in the park, supposedly a church group, but it was this "ministry" and DD lied about it....and we decided that it was an absolute "no way"??????

DH: That sounds familiar....

Me: What is going on?

DH: I don't remember all that from last week.

Me: You don't remember how DD lied about her friend going to that "church" for years and years????

DH: Well I kind of remember about that....

Me: I thought we decided that she wasn't going to be allowed to do that!

DH: Well, um...I....

Me: I'm not mad, I'm confused and worried.

DH: I'll call you after I get DD in bed.


Next thing:
Earlier this week, I bought some little tomato plants for the garden, and some rhubarb. I told DH that the rhubarb needed to go in a spot by itself, because it comes back every year and if we put it in the garden and dig up the garden, then the rhubarb will not do well. I told him this twice.

Then yesterday, he came in and told me that he'd put all the plants in the garden, and I asked, "And you put the rhubarb in a spot by itself, right?" No.

He didn't even remember me telling him anything about the rhubarb. Or to save some of the dirt to start some seeds with, either.

I don't even know who to be mad at. He doesn't remember. And he clearly isn't on the "good parent" bus this week, either. Everything is so unpredictable. I just wish I knew what to expect from one minute to another. I think when he goes back tohis PDOC, I am going to bring up the memory problems. It's scary sometimes.

He thinks he remembers just fine, until he doesn't.

Division of Labor

Now that DH is, for the most part, quite a bit better than he was a year or so ago, it's been difficult for me to know where to keep my expectations. If you remember, most of the time, I've needed to remind myself to "lower your expectations." And that mantra has gotten me through some pretty stressful stuff!

But now, DH is awake most of the day. He's there with DD and I'm working. He's making parenting decisions and "forgetting" to talk to me about them first. And since I've been the "only" parent for quite some time, I get pretty frustrated with that. But he doesn't see that part, all he sees is that he's there, I'm at work, something needs to be done. Ok. I can be grateful and frustrated at the same time.

And he is helping. Sort of. He got a huge burst of energy and rearranged our bedroom. But half way through, he just stopped. So now there's furniture all over the place, the TV is over in a corner of the room where there isn't even any electric outlet. There's an empty book shelf on top of the dresser, and all the books are scattered all over the room, because the cats don't like "nice, neat, piles" of books. And he still hasn't groomed Buffy, our Collie. I'm going to end up paying a groomer to do it, because while he's been "getting around" to doing it, she's getting more and more matted. She's losing her winter coat, and DH had said he would do it. He finally did fix the bathtub drain, I thought I was going to have to figure that one out.

My problem is that he has such good intentions. He feels good, starts a project, or volunteers to take on some household chore, and then midway through (or not at all), he loses motivation. And there it sits. And I end up with more work than if he hadn't done anything. But somehow "lower your expectations" doesn't seem to work, either, because it seems like he should be more capable now. The key word, I know, is "seems". Apparently, he's not as capable as he thinks he is. Apparently he's not as capable as I want him to be. Apparently I still need to "lower my expectations." I just wish I had more time for all this. Last week, including training, I worked 73 hours. And took my mom's cat to the vet, and my dog to the vet. And my mom to the dentist, too. I so much want DH to just say, "I was feeling energetic, so I cleaned the bathroom." And have it really be all the way done. Not just sweep the floor, but clean the tub, clean the toilet, scrub the floor, clean the mirrors, etc.

I just reread that last sentence. And I can tell you I have better odds of winning the lottery. Yup....gotta lower my expectations....

What is it with the memory stuff????

I was driving with DH in the snow. He said, "By the way, why are you driving and not me?" I said, "Because the last time you drove me anywhere, (click here for the story) you almost killed us and I was scared." He said, "I did not!!!" "How do you figure?"

I said, "Last time you drove me to the bank, you were so tired, I can't even count the times when I had to yell at you to get back on the road." "You were veering into the median, and off towards the ditch, and everywhere in between." DH said, "I was not!!! When did that happen?" I told him again: "About two weeks ago." "We were driving to the bank." "DD was in the back seat." I still thought he was pretending not to remember because he was embarrassed or something.

He said, "We have never gone to the bank with DD." At that point, I realized it was possible that he truly had no idea what I was talking about. I said, "yes, we did, and we all went to McDonalds." He said, "Are you making this up?"

He truly has no memory of that day at all. Scary. Almost as scary as the ride was that day.

Evolutionarily speaking, mental illness might not be a bad thing!

The following is an excerpt from an interesting article from MSNBC, explaining how evolution may have played a part in man's development of what we call "mental illness". It lists all of the most common mental illnesses and explains how they might have started as something that was a benefit, but either got overdeveloped, or isn't useful any more. Very interesting!

(click here to link to read the full article at MSNBC)

Mental ills may have an evolutionary upside

People with bipolar disorder have more sex, for instance, research says

By Robin Nixon

LiveScience

updated 3:31 p.m. CT, Tues., Aug. 26, 2008

....

Mental illnesses hinder one in every four adults in America every year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. And this doesn’t count those of us with more moderate mood swings.

To explain our susceptibility to poor mental health, Randolph Nesse in "The Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology" (Wiley, 2005) compares the human brain with race horses: Just as horse breeding has selected for long thin legs that increase speed but are prone to fracture, cognitive advances also increase fitness — to a point.

Let's take common mental conditions one-by-one.

People with aggressive and narcissistic personalities are the easiest to understand evolutionarily; they look out for number one. But even if 16 million men today can trace their genes to Genghis Khan (nature's definition of uber-success can be measured by his prolific paternity), very few potential despots achieve such heights. Perhaps to check selfish urges, in favor of more probable means to biological success, social lubricants such as empathy, guilt and mild anxiety arose.

......


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MSN Privacy . Legal
© 2008 MSNBC.com

Bipolar logic at its best!

Today, DH called and said that he went down to the apartment building to turn in his keys. He told me that the lady seemed very humble and told him that she still wanted him to work there. He called me and said "I'm confused."
So here's our conversation:

Me: What's going on?

DH: I went into town and dropped off my keys and stuff at that apartment building. And (that lady) was there. And she said she still wants me to work for her.

Me: Bad idea. Did she pay you?

DH: No, but...

Me: REALLY BAD IDEA.

DH: But this shows that I didn't do anything wrong!

Me: Yes, it sure does, but so what? You now have that boost to your ego, that you didn't do anything wrong, now take that and your pride and tell her, "No, I can't work for someone who plays these games."

DH: I bet it was Dick at the hardware store, though. He must've stuck up for me. I can't let him down.

Me: Dick is a man. He will understand that you are not going to tolerate getting jacked around like this.

DH: But I really like the people!

Me: Look what this has done to you! It has set you way back in your recovery. You have been feeling bad, and every time you talk to those people you feel bad. BAD IDEA!!!

DH: But I need a job!

Me: I would rather you not work for the next year, before I would tell you to go back and do that again. There are other jobs out there, you just have to go and apply for them!

DH: I applied at Subway, the manager said that she has worked with the mental health program before...she's going to talk with the guy at the mental health jobs program.

Me: Oh that's wonderful!!!!!! It sounds very promising!!!! Good news!!!!

DH: But I was making a lot more at those apartments....

Me: What would you tell me if I was telling you this, if I was the one who had been treated like you have, and now I wanted to go back and work there again?

DH: I'd tell you you were crazy, and I'd probably get mad at you if you went back.

Me: So what's the difference here??? It's a BAD IDEA--DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!

DH: (smiling and sarcastic at the same time) I'm not sure I'm understanding what you're saying!

Me: Right. Ask Jim. Ask anyone. Going back there is a bad idea, no matter what they say. Just take your pride and work for someone who is a) going to pay you for your work, and b) going to be straight with you.

DH: Oh, all right...

Me: Promise you won't go back there?

DH: I promise.

I couldn't believe that he was even giving this the time of day. I still have a lot to learn about mental illness, for sure. It's very hard for me to understand that he can't see this as clearly as any rational person would. But he did apply at Subway, that sounds GREAT!!!!

LOL, DH just called me back. He said, "I asked Jim what I should do. He said I should embrace the opportunity and go back there and work for free because I like the old people."

I said, "What did he really say?" DH said, "He said it was a really bad idea."

I'm giving in to bipolar

First off, I am sorry for not posting until now, the computers at one of my jobs have been down and I have had no access until tonite. I am hoping that things will be fine from now on, though.

Unfortunately, despite me hoping otherwise, things went about as you all would expect this past week--not as wonderful as one should hope! DH went to see the jobs guy, who helped him fill out the application for the casino, and DH went out there to turn in the application and the lady he needed to talk to was not in. So, instead of trying to get some other applications in, he came home, went to bed, and said to me, "I don't know how much more rejection I can take."

Once again, I tried to explain that from my point of view, there might have been rejection, but there might have been other reasons, too. For example, his boss at the apartment building might have wanted to have a relative of hers do the work instead. It might not have anything to do with DH at all. But he just kept fixating on "what is wrong with me?" I finally told him that he had to just up and decide, either he is going to look for a job, or he isn't, and he needs to be happy with the consequences of either decision. If he isn't going to work, there's going to be a lot less fun in his future. A lot less pop, a lot less gas. That's all there is to it. He didn't like me saying that, but that was how I was feeling.

Oh--and DH had an appointment on Monday with his Therapist, he called to double check the time and everything, but then he forgot to go. I don't know how many times they are going to let him do that before he needs to find a different therapist, but I also know that he really needs to talk to his therapist right now and it isn't happening!

Then today, DD had a get-together with some kids in town, so I got home from work at 6am, went to bed, woke up at 10am, tried to wake up DH but he wouldn't wake up, drove DD into town, came home, took a nap, got up at 1pm and took care of all the animals, went into town, picked up DD, and when I got home, DH was STILL SLEEPING. AND SO WAS JIM. When I left for work, they were both still sleeping. That made me crabby. I was the one who worked all night, but they are the ones who get to sleep all day? ARGH.

Anyhow, today I am in an "I just give up" mood. I feel like throwing up my hands and saying "Whatever!" So that's what I wound up doing today....I just kept trying to "lower my expectations" and it did make me more comfortable...I tried to get my mind back to "single mom" status again, because when I don't expect DH to do anything, I don't get so angry when he doesn't.

On the happy side, we learned that the county where we live has some extra funds and wants to send DD to horseback riding camp for FREE!!! How cool is that? Good luck for once!

I think I forgot to tell you all?

Hi, there were a couple of comments expressing concern about DH getting a job at the casino--I think I must've neglected to mention that the casino has a rule that if you work there, you cannot gamble there, even if you are off duty. It's probably because of people like DH, spending their paychecks before they even get home, LOL....even if he gets a job in the hotel, he still can't gamble there. So it might actually be a double benefit! The jobs guy wasn't available though, until Monday, so I'll let you know what happens....our area is so economically depressed, that there really isn't much, except the fast food/convenience stores, an occasional restaurant (but in the current economy, those are struggling and laying off people), or the casino.

There is only one factory within driving distance, and they are NEVER hiring. People in town who are lucky enough to get in at the factory stay there for life....and they make things out of plastic there, too, so they might be facing layoffs in the near future if the price of oil doesn't stabilize....so I think, if DH isn't so worried about someone seeing him working at the casino, that he should do that. With the numbers of employees that they have, they've no doubt got training and if he goes through the jobs guy, they'll already on some level be aware of his mental health, so that might be good too. Cross your fingers!

Back to square one...

Well, DH came home from work early yesterday, his boss told him that she was "going to spread the work around to several maintenance men" and that she'd call him when she had some work for him. Based on some of the questions he said she asked him, and the fact that he made a mistake on Friday--he accidentally reversed the hot and cold water on a washing machine--and nobody called him to come and fix it and "people were upset all weekend and couldn't do their laundry". Doesn't that just sound stupid??? They've got his number, nobody even called to see if he could/would fix it...then, if the cold and hot water were reversed, couldn't they just wash their stuff in hot water instead of cold and just make it work? Stupid. Of course, I don't know the whole story, I tend to think there's more to it than that, but anything is possible. Yesterday, his alarm went off for him to go in to work and he didn't bother to get up until 11am (he tries to start work at 8am). He told me that they weren't concerned with when he got there or how many breaks he takes, etc., could be that he was wrong about that....I don't really know.

Bottom line is, I think he got canned. I think that ultimately, realistically, that is probably a good thing, because I don't think he was/is ready to take on a job with these kinds of responsibilities, and I think our home life has suffered since he started working there....but financially I wish it hadn't happened, of course...and DH is taking it hard and taking it personally, saying "What am I doing wrong?" "What is wrong with me?" "I must be a piece of ****--I can't keep any job".

I tried to explain to him that when he gets a job where it's basically a one- or two-person situation, it's almost always doomed. The other person might have unrealistic expectations, if they don't do the same kind of work, there's nobody to ask questions to or to train you in properly, and if the one person who's the boss has second thoughts, well, there's not much safety there. I tried to tell him how much better it would be for him to have coworkers, to have others doing the same kind of work, etc., and he said he understood. But I'm not sure I explained it right, the words weren't really fluent....

Then after that conversation, last night before bed, DH told me that he was going to get up and fill out some job applications. But he didn't get up until 1pm. So he didn't do anything at all. I'm feeling pretty frustrated. But I think that once again, my expectations are too high--after all, he's just coming off two years of doing nothing, with virtually no expectations of him, and this work thing was tough and letting go is tough, too. Sometimes it seems like no matter how great the Lithium is, no matter how much better our relationship is, it's just not happening "fast enough" for me. I need to slow down and remember how bad things COULD be and be grateful for what I've got now....

Hit the nail on the head!

Well, I know I've complained before about how DH doesn't wear his CPAP machine, even though he had all the tests and they determined that he needs it, right? Have I mentioned how many times I've urged him to put that CPAP on at night, how many times I've told him to roll over so he'll stop snoring (I can't go out to the couch because JIM is still there, but that's another post...) and how many times he's gotten angry with me for "treating him like a child" regarding the CPAP?

He just called me. And this is what he said. "You know, my mood has gotten progressively worse since I've started working. I'm tired all the time and when I get home from work, even if I've only worked a couple of hours, all I want to do is sleep. And on the weekends things get better--did you realize that's because on the weekends I can sleep as much as I want?"

I'm thinking "Ok, here comes "That Guy" logic, going to tell me that in order to be mentally healthy, he needs to get at least 18 hours of sleep a day..." Or something like that...I was ready for it, I really was.

And he said, "I really think it's because I haven't been wearing that CPAP. And I need to get to bed earlier, too. I have less time to sleep now than I did before, and I need to get quality sleep so that I don't get so tired."

And his wife rejoiced. And didn't say "I told you so" at all.

I let him think it was his idea all along.

Interesting Personality Test

Have you ever wondered if you have a "personality disorder"? Are you Obsessive-Compulsive? Are you really paranoid? Here's a fun test to take. When I took it, I got "low" and "moderate" for all of them except I scored "high" for "avoidant". That didn't really surprise me, as I'm shy and not a very social person. It was interesting reading about the different personality disorders, too. Anyhow, here's a link, if you wanna to take the test--I'd love to have you let me know what your results are/were, if you're comfortable sharing with me!


Click here for the personality disorders test

I am never satisfied, but I am grateful that it's only bipolar.

You know, before DH was on the Lithium, if you would've talked to me, all I really wanted was someone to talk to once in a while, someone who got out of bed every day...or even once or twice a week....someone who had a sense of humor and someone who could remember that DD goes to bed at 9pm. It really seemed like so much to ask, it almost seemed impossible, when you looked at how things really were.

Now, after Lithium (it's funny, DH and I both categorize these times as "before Lithium" and "after Lithium", LOL), I've got all of the above and more. I've got a husband who goes out and gets firewood, a husband who cleans every once in a while. A husband who has more "easy-going" days than I dared to even hope for "pre-Lithium".

But I'm still complaining. The improvements are great. And it's so exciting. But I still want a husband who can get up in the morning without me prodding him. I still want a husband who has a job. I still want a husband who can go to the store and say to himself, "well, it's on sale, but I still can't afford it." A husband who can say "Let's save up for that big vacation." I really do appreciate all the positive changes that have come in the last few months. And I love my husband. Very much. I guess I still really wish for the exact same guy I married. And I realize on an intellectual level that he might be gone forever. And despite all the good that has come, still I whine. Poor me.

But there are wives of Iraq veterans who are facing a lifetime of PTSD, a lifetime of brain damage far worse than anything DH has...wives who are facing a lifetime of having their "rock", their strong protector, soldier, husband, be completely dependent on them. Not able to get the firewood or crack a joke. Not able to walk or talk or even be left alone safely. And all of these with absolutely no hope for recovery. No Lithium is going to help. I need to remember that what DH and I have gone through is trivial compared to many couples. It feels worse, because it's happening to US, but when I manage to think of all the ways things could be worse, I am grateful, for sure.

My painful realization for the day

As much as I might hope and plan, he's not ready for work yet.

He's been doing so well, and he's so determined to get back to where he used to be. But he's still "blowing off" his appointments with his therapist, and the Jobs Program lady, too. My rational self goes "how on earth could you or anyone expect him to be able to hold down a job for more than a few days if he can't even get up for an appointment?"

And I can fend those thoughts off by telling them, "Yeah, but if it was something on a regular schedule, something predictable, he could do it, probably."

And then today.

He and Jim went and got a bunch of firewood from the woods behind our house. Since it's looking like propane is going to be extremely pricey, the more firewood we can come up with now, the better. And since we have the wood at no cost, we might as well make use of it. Some of the logs were just massive, from a huge old tree that got struck by lightning, it was almost 4 feet in diameter....very sad that it had to die after what I would presume to be a very long, lightning-free life....but...so the wood came back up to our yard, and it was basically impossible to split with an axe. Not to mention that we didn't want to aggravate DH's back problem, if it has any physical sources whatsoever. "Luckily", we have an old wood splitter. Two years ago, DH was able to get it going, and split all of our wood without straining at all. It was fun to use it. Last year, he didn't get any firewood for us at all, he was too sick. We relied on what was left from the year before, and now every last log of that is gone. The splitter didn't even get dusted off.

So, he set out to get the wood splitter started. He worked on it yesterday, and then today he went and got some advice from a small engines guy in town, and it still won't start. And that has sent him into a tailspin. His voice is thick again, like it was before Lithium. He keeps saying "I've GOT to fix it", "I've GOT to fix it", and when I told him he didn't have to fix it tonite, he got even more depressed. I suggested that he go to sleep and wake up with a "fresh brain" to figure out the problem. I reminded him that creativity and problem-solving don't work well when you're frustrated. All he kept saying was "I've GOT to fix it." And the more he talked about it to me, the more depressed he got. He started telling me things like "I don't know anything." "I don't know why I even tried this, what was I thinking? I'm so stupid." And he wouldn't go to bed, and all he wanted to do was wallow in the fact that the job turned out to be harder than he expected, and he's having a tough time figuring out the problem.

It's sad, but this has caused me to get "straight" with my self and admit that he really isn't ready for work. If he was to get a job right now, all it would take was one day (or a few) like this, and he'd either quit or be fired, and the self-fulfilling prophecy would start over. It's suddenly very clear to me. He's better, but not better "enough". It's tough to admit.

Back pain and mental health

Just a little note: Today DH told me that he really hasn't had any back pain since he started the Lithium. And he told me that he hasn't been taking any methadone (he was taking it for his severe back pain) and he is no longer taking any muscle relaxers, and no more ibuprofen, and no more pain killers of any type. He marveled at the fact that he is no longer even putting the methadone in his pill box any more. I had always thought that there was definitely a link between his mental health and his back pain, but this really proves it to me.....I had read some things by Dr. Sarno and it was very convincing. But when DH was sick, I could never get him to realize it...another cool thing!!!

Remind me again why I did this?

You know, during all this time, when DH has been so unstable, DD's therapist and I have given thanks for the fact that she is stable for the time being. It was almost a miracle, her behaviors really settled down right as DH's got out of hand. I don't know how I could have handled two of them being out of control at once, that's for sure.

I don't think I've specifically told you what DD's disabilities are, she has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Which basically means that she can have little insight into the consequences of her behavior, and also that she can be very defiant beyond what a normal kid would be. And you would have thought that while DH was at his worst, the insecurity of all that would've caused DD to act up, but the exact opposite happened. For about a year, she was almost a "normal" kid. She didn't get suspended from school, no angry parents stormed over to our house because she choked their kid, she passed all of her classes, and all was well. I guess I kind of got lulled into complacency.

DH has been more stable since starting the Lithium than he has been in probably two years. So now, apparently, it is DD's turn. I wrote about her tantrum yesterday about not being allowed to go to her bio mom's. Well, after she apologized to me for that, she managed to call her bio mom and tell the bio mom that "Carol says I can NEVER visit you again. Why? Because she said so. And she says that I don't deserve anything for my birthday either. And she wouldn't let me call you."

(The part about me not letting her call her bio mom is true, because I knew what she was planning on saying. But of course that part wasn't mentioned.)

Needless to say, bio mom was a little upset, and she has a rather low intellectual capacity, so it didn't really occur to her that maybe this matter should not involve DD but should involve the adults....so she said a bunch of choice things to DD about me, and of course DD says "Guess what? My "real" mom said you're (blah blah). And then bio mom called and was very cross with me. It didn't take a lot of thought to figure out what happened and patched things up with the bio mom. I then was clobbered by the realization that after DD had apologized for throwing a tantrum regarding this, she still told lies and did her best to get me in trouble. That doesn't make for a happy mom, for sure.

And to top it off, today was her birthday. I had bought her a few things from the thrift store, although I had told her when we went to the zoo that that was her birthday present....anyhow, she didn't even pretend to enjoy them and got upset that we didn't get her a skateboard (to understand the stupidity of the skateboard idea you need to know that we live in the country, on a dirt road, with no sidewalks, and a dirt driveway--so there was no point in wasting money on a skateboard). I'm having a tough time remaining civil to her. Luckily we meet with the therapist on Wednesday, because I think if I had to wait much longer, I might lose my temper.

I guess it's not the Effexor....Bipolar sucks!!

I guess it's just more of the bipolar ups and downs that I keep seeing. And the "ups" get me hopeful, and the "downs" crush me, disgust me, make me furious....

Today I talked to him, he hasn't been out of bed yet, except to go to the store to see if they had a better mirror to help him put in his contacts. He told me he fell asleep in the truck in the driveway. And he doesn't know why he's so depressed. I still could barely understand what he was saying, it sounded like he had a mouthful of toilet paper. But what I got was, he's basically been in bed all day. He's really depressed. He's worthless. I should leave him (per DH). But please don't leave (again per DH). No, nothing happened. He has no idea why he's feeling like this. He doesn't know if we need to call someone. No, he hasn't talked to the mental health worker yet.

Time out, ok, he just called me again. Remember he had that money from cashing in all of those cans? Well, apparently he couldn't wait to spend it, so he drove his truck (that gets 10 miles to the gallon) to WalMart, which is 30 miles away from home, to get a mirror so that he could put in his contacts, which, as a former contact lens wearer (I had the LASIK surgery in 1998) I know isn't going to help much, if at all, and a pair of sunglasses. Neither of which was so urgent that he should spend $18+ in gas money to travel to get them, and he couldn't afford that anyhow. I am not going to be angry, I am not going to be angry.....

Things change around here faster than I can even type in this blog. And I feel so helpless sometimes. He's apparently out "spending away" while I'm sitting here working, and I can't stop him, and it's pretty clear that he's making poor choices again, and now I'm wondering if he'll be able to handle that job when it starts, too. I used to be a happy person. But now all of this is so draining.

And you know what else? I think, that no matter what the "professionals" are telling him/us about his bipolar, if this (all these good days followed by crashes) is going on, then he is not stable. Things are better than they used to be. But that's not saying much. And I don't know what to expect from one minute to the next. I just feel like we can do better than this, for sure. But that case manager hasn't called me back, and I've called three times, and actually talked to him once in person, explained the situation and what we might need, and nothing. And the resources in our town are so limited, I have no idea how to handle this at all.