Sex and the Bipolar Hubby--adult topic, sorry!

I need to talk to someone about this, and, this blog seems to be where I do the talking......so.....DH.  He's not working, as we all know....basically, he sits in a chair all day and watches movies.  He doesn't clean the house, doesn't fix anything that needs fixing (and he does know how to fix stuff), doesn't do much at all.  If he's not sleeping, he'll let the dogs out.  And unless I nag him, that's all he does.  If I do nag him, he might bring the garbage down to the end of the driveway.  Or maybe transfer clothes from the washer into the dryer.  But he NEVER folds the clothes or puts them away.    It's the same ol', same ol'.

With that said, I know it's been going on a long time.  I'm not in denial any more, for sure.  The way things are is pretty much how things are going to be from here on out.  I'm sure of it.  If I want things to change, well, I can't hope things will get better "someday".  They aren't going to.  I am going to have to make the changes or quit griping about the things I don't like.  With that said, I'm kind of tied to the chair as far as changes go for right now.  There is no wiggle room in the budget to allow me to save a little for a "new life for Carol" fund.  Our house is way underwater, even if you somehow managed to overlook all the broken stuff.  And even if I decided that foreclosure was the way to go, well, the animals are my family, too, and who on earth would rent to a "family" like this?  I do have "someday" hope, though.  Two of the dogs are elderly.  Several of the cats are elderly.  This won't be the situation forever.  Someday I'll be able to move, with or without DH.  I hope things get better, I really do.  But my tentative plan is to make changes that make things easier for me, and then if I can fit DH into those changes, well, I'm ok with that, as I did marry him "in sickness and in health".  But I'm extremely tired of living like this.  Probably that's a whole 'nother post.

Which brings me to this:  DH and I no longer see eye-to-eye as far as um....marital privileges are concerned.  As far as I'm concerned, there are a lot of reasons why I'm absolutely not interested any more.  Starting with "he's not attractive", but that really is the least of it.  I can see with my heart and not my eyes, so his physical beauty or lack thereof would not even be an issue if there weren't these other issues. He's not a "partner" to me, he's a piece of the furniture on a good day.  We aren't a team any more, I'm doing it all and just supporting him.  I work 60 hours a week, and if you add in commute time, it's well over 80.  My mom has Alzheimer's and he doesn't go to see her, even with me.  Basically, the way I see it, in the "give and take" of marriage, he's just taking.  And I'm just giving.  Very unbalanced.  Yet, he just doesn't seem to get it.

Some nights it just feels like "one more chore".   Other nights, it seems like "I went to work today, I got groceries, I visited my mom, I set up appointments.....I made sure there was something for supper....and you sat in a chair.  And you want me to do more.  To make you feel good.  Not a chance."  And then there's the whole partner thing.  I don't feel like he's my partner.  He doesn't go out of his way to make me happy.  But he expects me to do that.  And for the most part, I do.  And it makes me angry just typing this.  Because it really shouldn't come down to "what's in it for me?".  But it feels like there's already so little in it for me that asking me to give more is just futile.  And he gets all hurt when I am not interested.  I've tried to explain it before.  I just don't really know how to do it well without saying hurtful things.  So I just keep refusing.  I don't even want him to see me in any state of undress any more, because I'm afraid he'll think it's an invitation (he has before).  But this hurts his feelings too.  But unlike other issues we've had in the past, I stand my ground, probably because I just can't bring myself to be ok with it any more.

I admit to feeling rather discouraged lately.  I'm not sure why, really--nothing has gotten worse (but nothing is better either).  There's no end to this in sight unless I create one.   I'm tired.  I've been doing this for over 5 years now, and things are not much different than when I started, except that I've taken steps to control things that I can control.  I'm not getting younger.  I don't have a life except for my animals, and I don't even have time to enjoy them like I should.    I'm trying to be supportive, but nobody's supporting me.  That sounds kind of selfish to me, when I think about the fact that if he had Alzheimer's, I wouldn't expect him to do anything more than what he's doing now (or not doing), so maybe my problem (once again) isn't DH, it's the mental illness....?  And the fact that I don't really know how much is laziness and how much is mental illness.....well....thanks for listening....

Insurmountable

This past week we got, for the first time this winter, over a foot of new snow.  I called in to work on Wednesday--there was no way I was going to be able to drive 50 miles in that, then hope that the bus I catch is on time, too, or if it was even going to make it to the bus stop at all.  All morning, DH would get up, have a "snack" and "take a nap".  Finally, I asked him if he was going to plow our driveway so that I could get to work the next day.

He tried to procrastinate, after all, it was only 1pm.  I told him I needed it done ASAP.  I didn't really, but I suspected by this time that he wasn't exactly motivated to do it, so it could take a while.

I watched from the window as he went into his shed to air up one of the tires on the 4-wheeler.  About a half hour later, he came out and from what I could see, was just sitting on the back of the 4-wheeler.  Not moving at all.

After another half hour, he came inside and said the battery was dead.  I suggested he bring the battery in the house to warm up--no, the battery is too hard to get out.  I asked about his battery charger--no, the clamps are too big to charge that battery.  He had this "the world is ending and there's absolutely no getting out of it" air.  I told him that I was going to call someone to come and plow us out (and at the same time thinking "how much money could I get if I sold that 4-wheeler?).  When I really started looking in the phone book, he went back outside with that "I am the saddest, most abused person in the universe because my wife expects me to plow this driveway and it's just not possible" attitude.  He came in five minutes later and reported that he got it started.  He went back out to plow.

I watched from the window.  Once again, for about a half hour, I observed no movement, just DH sitting there on the 4-wheeler.  He was just sitting there.  Then he came in and, with that same "the world is ending" air, he told me that the 4-wheeler was stuck.  (and from his tone of voice, it was stuck with Super Glue and would never ever be unstuck again.)

Again I went through some possible solutions.  Did you rock it? (yes) (I didn't see any of that though).  Do you have any friends who could pull it out with their trucks? (no) (I had canceled the insurance on DH's truck to save money, and right now it has no brakes) Can I help push? (no, stuck too bad).  Can we put something under the wheels? (I don't have anything.)  I was pretty frustrated by this time.  I told him we needed to find a solution fast, because I could not call in to work two days in a row for a snow storm that had already been plowed away everywhere but our driveway.  I asked him "If you were living in your hometown, way up North, and this happened, what would you do?"  And right away he said "I'd get a shovel and dig it out and put the chains on."

What I want to know is why this solution was only possible to him if he pictured himself in a different place and time?  Mental illness is strange, for sure.  The driveway got plowed.

When he came back in, I was setting up his meds for the week.  I thanked him for doing the plowing.  He asked me if I'd seen "That Guy" around lately, as his PDOC had made some adjustments to his meds.  I said no, actually, what I had seen, for the most part was very good compared to when DH was working.  But then I added, "I do notice that it seems like when you're confronted with a problem, it's um....very difficult for you to see solutions, it's.......and DH piped in: "It's like a minor problem becomes insurmountable."

Yes, that's it.  And DH, although he couldn't apparently do much about it, had the insight to recognize that.

Something good is going on

I'm not sure what it is--is it me taking control of DH's meds and making sure that everything is there every day.....or him not having to go to work.....or the fact that he's sleeping at night and awake during the day....or a combination of all these.....?

But here is what I am seeing:
DH is drinking cheap bottled water and not complaining about no pop
DH cleaned my pantry.
DH cleaned the living room.
DH made himself sandwiches without whining about how there was nothing to eat--not only that, but he used very old bread, saying "we've got to use this up, we can't waste it just because it's all dried out...it's not moldy yet" (very very unusual for him).
DH called the "jobs for the mentally ill" worker twice (she hasn't returned his call yet)
DH applied for unemployment.
DH is rolling his own cigarettes and not complaining at all about how bad they taste.
DH has been feeding/pottying dogs before I get home at night so I don't have to.

I could go on and on.

But you get the idea.  He's smiling more, too.  For a long time I hadn't noticed the lack of smiling, until he was laughing one day. 

I know it's probably just high spot on the roller coaster of bipolar.  But the way he's been these last few days makes me remember why I married him to begin with.  And right now, he's doing great.  And I'm amazed and thrilled.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Well, Christmas was strange, but not as sad as I thought it would be.  DH's mom's injuries were not as dire as we first thought.  I am learning that DH, even when he gets the information directly, is not necessarily an accurate source.  He talked to his brother and told me that his mom had broken her pelvis and her arm.  Then he talked to his mom himself and told me that no, she had broken her hip, her pelvis, and her arm.  I called her on Christmas, as I am having a tough time getting DH to call his family members (not sure whats up with that, is he afraid of what he might hear, maybe?) and she told me this:  She broke "a couple of bones" in her pelvis, but there isn't anything the doctors can do to fix them.  She has a crack in her hip, but it's not actually broken, and her arm is fine.  But her shoulder is messed up and she did have to have surgery on that.  So she is out of the hospital, but in a lot of pain and can't walk.  Mostly, though, she can't walk because she needs to take some pressure off of her hip by using a walker, but her shoulder makes it difficult.  She tried to describe this "half walker" thing that she is learning to use.  She sounded good.  I was hugely relieved.

As far as DH's dad goes, he's still in the hospital.  He had a massive stroke affecting his left side.  We are waiting to see where he goes next, probably a rehab center in his hometown.

And my aunt.  We went to their house for Christmas.  She has lost her hair and has a cough, but aside from that, and the fact that she didn't get up from her chair while we were there, she seemed in remarkably good spirits and she ate well.  She seemed a little more "tuned in" to everything, too--usually she has a bad habit of just repeating what everyone else says--I'll say something like "DD is on Christmas vacation from school this week." And she'll say (to my uncle): "Did you hear that, Uncle?  She's out of school this week." (Even though he's sitting right next to us and is involved in the conversation.  She barely did that at all and seemed to have more to say than usual.  I was pretty scared to go and see her, as she (and my uncle) are people who have been in my life forever, and the fact that they might not always be there is almost scarier than the fact that my mom won't always be there.

My mom.  I didn't spend much time with her on Christmas.  I feel bad about that.  But I felt like I needed to see my aunt, and my mom can not remember from one hour to the next that it is Christmas, so I thought it would probably be ok.  But for New Years Eve, I bought some little horns and some sparkling grape juice and we had a little party and sang Auld Lang Syne :-)  She said it was fun.  We'll do it again tomorrow :-)

And the Kindle.  Best present I've gotten in a long time!!!!  I am amazed at how many books are available for free and for .99 too--I just love it!  Right now I have a wish list about ten miles long and I'll have to figure out a way to share it with you (not really because I want you all to buy me something, but mostly because I personally feel like I can get to know a person a little better when I can see what they're interested in reading)...

Mostly, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season.  I'm looking forward to 2012 hopefully being a little easier.  Thanks to all of you for being there for me and offering your wisdom and support throughout the year. Hugs to all of you!

It'll be a sad, strange Christmas

This Holiday season, despite Shasta's miraculous return, is full of question marks and worry:

Last week, DH got a phone call, that his mom (my mother in law) had fallen down the steps and broken her pelvis, hip and arm.  She had surgery this week, which was as successful as could be, but is still in the hospital and will be there for Christmas.

The day after that happened, DH got a phone call from his stepmother (whom I love), letting him know that his dad had had a massive stroke and was actually in the same hospital as DH's mom for some time (they divorced about 35 years ago).....DH has been having some bad mental health issues himself these last few weeks, so he didn't think to ask a lot of questions about the prognosis (I'll give a call tonite if I can), but from what I can gather about the timeframe, it sounds like a major hemorrhagic stroke and that he has survived that (the stroke had happened about three days before DH was notified), but will need to relearn how to walk, talk, eat, etc.....DH's dad was not in good shape prior to this, as he had suffered a life-threatening infection after a "routine" surgery, so I'm not sure what this bodes....I think DH is a little confused, too, as he really doesn't have a high opinion of his dad, but is concerned nevertheless.

And then my Aunt Judy, who, when I was a child, was my favorite aunt ever--she had no qualms about coloring with me, or talking about teen idols, or playing with my dolls--it wasn't until I became an adult that I realized that she was somewhat childlike and dependent herself.....anyhow, she just turned 65 this past Fall.  She and my uncle Neil, who is/was my dad's brother, quit smoking 24 years ago, when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer (which he died from in January 1988).  Anyhow, at Thanksgiving dinner, Judy was talking about how she had no appetite any more, which was somewhat unusual, considering that at some times in my life I am sure she weighed upwards of 300 lbs (but had slimmed down recently due to being more aware of how her diet affects her health).  I made a little mental note to myself, just a "that's a little odd..." when all she ate for Thanksgiving was a couple of barbecue sauce weenies and two Dorito chips....anyhow, about two weeks ago, it was learned that she has Stage IV lung cancer and it has already spread to her brain and internal organs.

We won't be having our usual Christmas get-together this year at my brother's, we are going to bring Christmas to my uncle Neil's, because Judy is too weak to go anywhere.  She is getting radiation and chemo, and the doctors say it is "treatable, but not curable".  Whatever that means, I think this will be her last Christmas with us. 

We won't be having our traditional Christmas Eve games (that I am in charge of), either, since DH's mom and brothers won't be coming.  It doesn't really break my heart, I get stressed out, especially trying to come up with prizes that I can afford, and new and "improved" games every year....but it's going to be strange, for sure.  I am scheduled to work the overnight shift at the group home on Dec., 23, 24 & 25 anyhow.  I get double time for working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so that will help.  My tentative plan is to make a special Christmas Eve dinner and just enjoy spending time with DH and DD.  I'll pop in to see my mom, too, of course.....

But the clincher is the mental health issues DH has been having.  He was able to get FMLA for his physical health problems, so he won't (or shouldn't) be punished for missing work....but the thing is, in the last three weeks, he has only worked two days.  And that doesn't help us much.  A lot of days he doesn't get out of bed.  So the double time that I'll get for working the holidays will help out.  But he's not doing anything to help us or to help himself.  Again.  And this had started before we got all the bad news about family.  I have reminded him til I'm blue in the face, that he needs to go see his PDOC, and he was supposed to have his Lithium and Depakote levels checked nearly two months ago, but when I remind him, he "forgets".  And he hasn't checked his blood sugar, let alone watched what he's eating, for at least 3 weeks.  One day he told me "I think I might be Schizophrenic" because he kept hearing his own voice in his head talking to him...."but the voice doesn't usually tell me to do something bad, it just talks to me...." but he hasn't been to the PDOC to ask about that.  I suggested that DH check himself into the hospital, and he was concerned about how much I work and I could I "take care of things" without him.....I just looked at him, and he said "Oh.  I guess things wouldn't really be that different, huh?"

The one good thing?  I realized that this would be yet another "special occasion" where I didn't get much of a present.  So I took some of my Christmas bonus and ordered myself a Kindle Touch ereader.  I've wanted one for ages, and I know nobody will be asking me what I want for Christmas, so that's my present from me to me.  I probably shouldn't have wasted that money on myself, I know I'll regret it when I have to scrimp for gas money to get to work, but I probably won't have any "extra" "not earmarked for a bill" money again until maybe next year if I'm lucky.......I hope it lives up to my expectations.

DH talks in his sleep again

DH had another one of those nights last night, sometimes I really wonder what he's dreaming about!

DH:  Carol.

Me:  Yeah?

DH:  If we ever have another daughter, I want to name her Cookies.

DH:  I really like Cookies!

DH:  (10 minutes later) Carol.

Me:  Yeah?

DH:  Do you think anybody will notice the burn marks?

Me:  What burn marks?

DH:  on Cookies.

Me:  Oh no, that's terrible, what happened?

DH:  We left her on the stove.

Me:  Oh no!  Nobody likes burnt cookies!

DH:  And to think she started out as a sack of flour.


(10 minutes later)

DH:  Carol, do you think people think it's strange that I bathe with a duck?

Me:  Well, a lot of people might think that was strange.

DH:  Oh.  Because there's nothing funny going on, we just take a bath together.

DH:  I always wanted a duck, I think I'll name him Quack.

Me:  You're talking in your sleep again.

DH:  I AM NOT!!!!

Me:  Oh.  Sorry.

(it was right about this time that Elmo meow meandered up to DH and gave him a smooch)

DH:  I think I just kissed a duck.

Me:  You probably shouldn't tell people that.

DH:  Why?

Me:  Because some people might not understand.

DH:  I said nothing's going on, Quack just waits for me in the tub.

(DH, after he woke up, clarified that Quack was a RUBBER duck, but in our conversation, that was never mentioned.)

DH:  There's that man in the dress again.

Me:  Was that one of the dresses you made?  (remember the previous sleep talking episode)

DH:  I didn't know I could sew.

DH talks in his sleep

I guess I need to preface this with a couple of things-first, DH has a tendency to talk in his sleep, if it's funny, I tease him about it....secondly, despite how big DH is (about 400 lbs), he is very masculine-looking.  He has a beard and mustache, and basically looks like a massive lumberjack.  Oh--and when it comes to me picking on him, he's a pretty good sport.....With that in mind.....

I got done with my overnight shift at the group home on Sunday morning, 8am, I crawled into bed for a few hours.  DH rolled over and excitedly said "I've got great news!"

Me: (thinking we could sure use some)--What's going on?

DH: Remember those dresses I was sewing?  (um, no?) Well, I just found out that they're one size fits all!!!  They're interchangeable!!!!  They can be worn by cats or humans!!!!!!!!

Me (to myelf): oh brother.  (I'd love to see that).
Me (to DH): Wow, that's great!  Um...were you wearing one of those dresses?

DH: (as if I was really an idiot) Of course!!!!!!!!

Me (trying so very hard to keep a straight face): Oh good!  What did the dress look like?

DH: It was brown, and it had "pirate flaps", you know?  And it had little pink hearts all over it.

The picture of this was just too much.  I burst out laughing and DH woke up.

I asked him what "pirate flaps" were, he told me they are the ruffles on the shirts that pirates wear.

It was like one of those comedy hypnosis shows where the hypnotized people have no clue how silly they're being....

I told DH that I was very glad that the dresses would now fit both humans and cats as now we won't have to buy all the cats new dresses.

He told me he wasn't going to talk to me any more.

:-)

A wake-up call DH can't ignore!

Well, if you remember from my post regarding the Wellness Walk, DH was supposed to go but he had a "health issue".  Well, that issue has turned out to be bigger than we thought.

(Warning--slightly grown-up material ahead--and not for the squeamish)

DH had a rapidly growing lump on his inner thigh.  He thought it might have been from his pants rubbing his leg or something, he could walk, but he didn't do the Wellness Walk because he was afraid it would make it worse.  As usual, I didn't pay too much attention, as he always has a reason not to do something that requires a little effort....

Anyhow, the lump continued to grow, so DH went to the doctor.  What the Dr. said has caused DH to sit up and take notice like no other health problem he's ever had.

Basically, the lump was a cyst.  They had to cut it open to drain it, and the doctor said that he had seen bigger ones, but not too many.  DH has to go back to the hospital to have it "re-packed" with cotton/gauze because it is draining really bad.  It will recur, and since diabetics are more prone to infection, especially if the diabetes is poorly controlled, eventually, the recurrence will almost certainly become infected.    This particular kind of cyst becomes more difficult to combat each time it recurs, can cause scarring and "tunnels" under his skin.  Once the infection is present, because of the extremely close proximity to DH's "manly parts", and the increasing difficulty in treating the cyst, it is likely that those parts would become infected/gangrenous and require amputation.  The Dr. was absolutely serious about this and said that unless DH starts controlling his diabetes, it was almost a certainty.

DH has suddenly decided that it is time to take control of his diabetes.

He's been buying diet pop, considering the sugars in what he eats, and has decided to attend a "control your diabetes" class.

Priorities, priorities  :-)

I guess all those times I "reminded" him that if he didn't start taking his diabetes seriously, he'd lose his legs and maybe his arms too, and end up in a nursing home because I can't lift him.....I was threatening the wrong parts!  Sheesh.

Signed my mom up for Hospice

It's been a strange few weeks, mom-wise.....there were about 2 weeks where she was adamantly refusing food and water, refusing all medications, and very delusional when she was awake, which wasn't very often.   There were days where they couldn't wake her up enough to get her out of bed, there were days when she refused to let them clean her or change her.  I thought "the end is near".  And opted to sign her up for Hospice, mostly, I'm afraid, selfishly, because I know I am going to need support as I go through this and I know the hospice social worker will be a support and the nurses will tell me what to expect.  I don't really believe that it is going to help my mom all that much, as she states she is not in pain (when I can get her to answer) and I believe that is the truth, because most of the time she is just groggy and sleepy, not agitated as if she was hurting.  When she is agitated, it's because of her delusions.

So I signed the forms to get the ball rolling, and set up the "intake" appointment with the hospice program, and then.....mom rallied.  She started getting out of bed, eating at least 50% of her meals (although she can no longer feed herself) and talking about real things, like the weather and supper.  And she was like that for about 7 days to the point where I wondered if maybe I had jumped the gun with hospice.  Then today was the "intake appointment" and she was back to being lethargic again.  She ate well today, but she did not want to participate in life, she only wanted to sleep.  I was disappointed, again, and I kind of mentally rolled my eyes at myself--here she is, can't feed herself, needs help with everything, can't remember things from one minute to another, but I am still getting my hopes up for the "good" days.  And I know the letdown is coming, but I just hope it doesn't, then I'm sad when it does. 

It's almost an exact parallel to my reactions to DH's issues.  Every time there's some good days, I start to think things are getting better, but really, I'm just setting myself up for another crash.  When I recognize this pattern, I feel like maybe I've got a Pollyanna outlook and maybe I need to do something to make my thinking a little more reality based.  I think intellectually, for both my mom and my husband, I know where things are at and that they aren't going to get as better as I want them to......but emotionally, I still cling to hope......

DH just quit his job.

I know all of you will probably wonder how on earth he managed to stay employed as long as he did, but he's been getting slack(er) about doing things to keep his mental health stable, and last night he had a rough night at work and walked out.

He said it wasn't until he was driving home that he realized the consequence(s) of doing that.  And now I'm really scared, although I've been here before.....

He thinks that maybe if he calls his manager and explains, maybe they'll let him come back....but he's also been missing a lot of work due to health related stuff, because he doesn't do what the doctors tell him to do..... so maybe the casino is happy to be rid of him....I don't know!!!  I'll hope that maybe he can talk someone into giving him another chance...

If that doesn't work, then my next thought is to call the agency for mentally ill people that helped him get this job and see if maybe they can advocate for him....there are so few jobs where we live, that if this "sticks", it could be a long time before he works again....

And of course in the meantime I've got the husband sayin "I'm so worthless, I always do stupid stuff like that, I'm a piece of sh**...." and all I want to do is throttle him because any way I look at it, decisions he made caused this.

I'll keep you posted.

Sometimes I just can't see the point........

Well, DH is still pretty much in the same place mentally.  He's not doing much around the house at all, and if there is a way to save him from expending one extra calorie, he will take the lazy way out, even if it means doing something that upsets me.

Take, for example, cigarette butts.  They're all over the driveway.  I've provided him with cans to put them in, explained that all the litter shows a lack of pride in our yard/house/belongings and he says he'll use an ashtray/can, but then after a day or two, he's back to just flicking them anywhere.

Or the damn garbage.  He'll take the full trash bag out of the waste basket in the kitchen, but instead of putting the bag of trash into the big trash can to go out for pickup, he just puts the bag on the deck outside the door.  Same lecture from me about respecting where you live, and also that the deck is not a "garbage room", it is a part of our house/yard that the world can see, and when you put garbage out there, it says "I don't give a crap".

But the worst thing is, that I know he doesn't give a crap about those things any more.  And I look around at the grass which needs cutting again, and recognizing that if I take the time to mow it, I won't get any sleep this weekend.....and looking at all the things that need to be fixed but I don't know how and/or there's not enough money to fix them.....the screen door no longer shuts at all because of the way the hinges broke and according to the hardware guy is going to necessitate a new screen door (and someone alert enough to put it on).....the rest of the roof, which is awful (except for the part that DH's brother did last year, but I can't do that again, that was more stressful than a leaky roof!......The fence for the chicken house kind of fell apart after all the heavy snows this past winter, and, of course there's all the animal chores and the housecleaning.  I do the bare minimum--litter boxes, garbages.....sweep once in a while.....laundry.....but the stuff that takes time and attention to detail, well, I put that off because between working and my mom and sleeping, there's not much time for those things, either.

I'm a little concerned because I find myself thinking about how much easier things would be if he wasn't there.  And they would be.  And that upsets me because I didn't used to feel that way.  He just makes more work for me all around, and I don't know that I'm getting much in return any more.....then I feel selfish, because the "what's in it for me" is not usually how I think (or is it?)  I think (and I recognize that this is never going to happen but....) that if he decided to leave, right now I'd be a little bummed but mostly vastly relieved.  And I think that our story is not on the path to a happy ending.  I don't want to hurt him, but I keep trying to point out that he doesn't seem to care about anyone/anything any more....and things really don't change.  It's really hard to do both sides of the marriage all by yourself.

I'm feeling like I can't handle this place any more, either.  It's too much.  I need to live closer to my main job.....in a place that isn't falling apart all at once.....in a place that costs so much less than where we're living now....where cutting the grass doesn't take 6 hours.....but of course that's all a pie in the sky, because I need to live near my mom right now.....and I have made a lifetime commitment to the animals....and there's just no place except "out in the country" where I could have them all.....don't get me wrong, I certainly don't want any more, but the ones that are already there, well, some days knowing that they depend on me is what gets me up in the morning.....and I like where I live.....it's just that I wonder if maybe it's not very realistic any more.....

Well, that's a lot of wondering.  And not much I can do about it right now except ponder.....I've always been a person who believes (but doesn't necessarily always follow) that if something bothers you, either do something about it or shut up about it.  Unfortunately there are things bothering me, and I feel kind of trapped.  I recognize that some of the "trapped" feeling is my own doing, but it doesn't change how I feel.....I'm hoping this is just a phase...... maybe I need to get a live-in housekeeper/groundskeeper, huh?

The past two weeks....

I'm very sorry I haven't written in the last two weeks--it's been a whirlwind of activity and I just got overwhelmed with it all....I'll try to sum it up for all of you...

We left off with DD in jail.  We had the guardianship hearing, and I am now her legal guardian, which will help the court recognize that she may not be responsible for her actions in the future, which my keep her out of jail next time....or at least keep another assault from turning into a conviction....I'm still not exactly sure how the guardianship protects DD beyond the decisions I am allowed to make on her behalf, but it sounds like if you are going to commit a violent crime, having a guardian is a good thing (rolling eyes)....

DD also had her first court appearance on the two counts of domestic assault and one count of disorderly conduct.  Her court-appointed attorney requested a continuance so that they/we could see if the fact that the guardianship was pending at the time will help DD keep this off of her record.  Her next court appearance is on June 28.

After court, as I expected, DD had no place to go.  The foster care lady of course would not take her back, and there was no plan in place for an alternative placement......so we allowed DD to come back home with us but made it clear to everyone in the courtroom that it could only be temporary, because we did not have the skills to keep her/us safe in the long run.   At that point, there was still no funding available for a traditional group home.  However, fortune smiled (for once) and it turned out that a funding recipient in the county had passed away over the weekend, and so DD was able to receive the funding that had previously been allocated to that person.  So her social worker started to get things moving for DD to move into a group home.

They found a group home that was willing to take DD, but after the director read DD's file, the price went up--apparently she has more behaviors than their standard funding provides for...hopefully that'll all work out, though...

DD was at our house for two weeks, and she did very well.  Of course, neither DH nor I confronted her on anything at all that might have been likely to provoke a tantrum....if it didn't involve safety, we let it slide....I think DD was very much hoping that if she was really, really good, then she could come back home to stay--but I saw enough of her attitude to know that the violence and tantrums were just lurking beneath the surface, and no way was I going to deal with that....

Telling DD on the last night that she was moving in the morning was a real challenge.  Nobody was sure how to do it without provoking a tantrum.  It turned out that it was left to me, because DH was at work that night, and I was home.  So I kind of put DD in a spot by saying "Well, your social worker thinks you probably aren't mature enough to handle this information, but Dad and I told her you were mature enough...."  so of course then she had to be mature!  I saw her face get red, and the pout come on, and I thought "Uh-oh, here we go...." but then she caught herself (because she wanted to be mature) and just got really quiet.  Then she asked if I would take her to Subway (I did--anything to keep the peace at that point).....

She moved on Thursday morning.  And the week has been a blur of meetings with her therapist, social worker, school, the people who help with funding, doctors (for physical and mantoux)....one day we had FOUR appointments in the same day!!!  But it's over now.  And I feel better than I have in a long time.  Hopefully, this IS where she will be for quite some time.  Hopefully, they will be able to get her tantrums under control after they experience them.  Hopefully she won't do enough harm to be kicked out.

In the meantime, DH had a kind of regression.  Things had been, while not back to how they were when we were first married, mostly stable and predictable--he's been doing at least one or two chores that I assign him per week, and things have been comparatively smooth.  However, it seemed that when DD came back, he was so worried about being the "cool dad" again, that he kind of lost his stability.  He started spending all of his "allowance" on taking her out to eat, renting her movies, etc, then got very stressed when he was out of money.  He once again started to make decisions regarding her without consulting me, even though neither he nor she is skilled at recognizing possible consequences of a decision.  It made for a lot of tension between DH and I, and additional back pain for DH.  I guess I didn't realize how much DD played into some of the troubles that DH has had.

That kind of shocked me and made me nervous, because I still would like to adopt a child (someday) who maybe doesn't have as many special needs as DD.  I know that statistically speaking, and lifestyle-wise, DH will probably pass on long before I will--after all, he's 200 lbs overweight, smokes more than a pack a day, and does not manage any aspect of his health beyond his bipolar medications.  And if that were to happen, I would be alone.  I don't particularly like my brother.  My mom is already kind of gone, as I can't really talk to her much about my life any more.....and even the stuff I do tell her, she forgets by the next day....it would be nice to have family at some point......so the fact that DD exacerbates DH's symptoms/issues is a little bit alarming.....but I guess in the long run, things will turn out the way fate has planned.....I suppose I'm still not really completely too old to have a child of my own, but the odds get slimmer and slimmer every day.....I guess time will tell what the future holds....

The Hand-Off

So much has changed in the brief time that I haven't posted.   When the RTC had said that they wanted DD out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, they really meant it.  DD's social worker was really scrambling to get everything in place, and I could tell she felt really rushed and frustrated, too.

We had DD's "discharge meeting" on April 14.  DH and I, the new foster care lady, social worker, DD and the therapists were all there at the RTC to see DD off.  We met the lady who'll be doing the "foster care".  Surprisingly (or not), she's very nice and we both liked her.  Also surprisingly, it doesn't sound like their home life is much different than ours, except for more kids in the mix.  She (the mom) works full time about an hour away, doing the same thing I'm doing, except I'm working 2 hours away.  The dad works at night and sleeps all day.  Three other kids.  I had had this vision of some lucky lady who was able to stay home all the time and give DD all the attention she needs.  That won't be the case, and I'm kind of disappointed.  I also think that when, in the discharge meeting, the therapist started really giving details about DD's behavior, the mom was starting to have some doubts....but then she put on a happy face and hid it well.  This is the only option that we've been given for DD at this point.  Today we're going over to their house to see where DD will be.  (But she's already there).  We did not get a chance to meet either parent prior to the discharge meeting, so there really is a big question mark as to how things will work and how involved I/we can be.

It was a really strange meeting.  We talked about all the ways that DD has improved since she went to RTC.  But in the back of my mind was "this is bull!  If she was doing so great, why are you doing this?  Right in the middle of what you've referred to as "the most difficult and important part of her therapy"?  I have a lot of anger and confusion towards the RTC.  But that meeting was not the place to express it.  I'm not sure there ever will be a time and place for that, but I feel like, on DD's behalf, that she's on the losing end of a bad breakup.  We're sick of you, we're dumping you, and no, you can't stay for one more day!

I also met with the attorney that the county is using to help us get legal guardianship.  Right now, DD, being 18, could, in theory, decide she didn't want to live where she's at now and move to Timbuktu, until she ended up in jail.  Hopefully the guardianship will all be in place by June, but there will be a couple of days I'll have to take off to get it all done.

I have such a jumble of feelings about all of this.  I'm relieved that she won't be coming home, because I truly don't think she's changed all that much and I didn't want to have to admit defeat a second time.  I'm scared of the new situation.  I'm scared that it won't work out for DD.  But more....I'm scared that it will.  I'm scared that these people have skills that we don't have, and will be able to help DD in ways we only dreamed about.  I'm scared that she's going to end up loving them more than us.  I'm scared that they'll allow her to make choices that she isn't ready to make.  (Remember that although she's 18 by the clock, maturity-wise, she's only about 11 or 12).  I'm afraid that these people won't want to hear what we think, or what we've learned (or haven't learned) in the past.  I'm afraid of stepping on their toes.  I'm afraid of the harm DD might do to their kids.  They seem very nice, but..... 

It's the weirdest feeling....handing your child over....when you still love them....to go and live with another family....twisted up my heart and really made me feel like a failure.  If DH hadn't become ill....If we didn't have all this debt and I didn't have to work 2 jobs.....If we lived in an area where there were more services and more funding....it just isn't fair at all.  I guess I really do want her back.  Just not like she is right now.

And then, after the meeting, I was helping DD pack up her stuff, and she broke down in tears.  I took her in my arms and held her, felt like a mom again.  And I started wishing unrealistic wishes--that she could come home and we could work it all out and be a family again....and I know that's not going to happen--if it was going to, she'd still be in the RTC.

And now.....she's gone.  She's at the "other' house, with a whole 'nother life.  And I didn't have much time to prepare, mentally.  It's clear that something's changed.  I think DH is extremely relieved.  I offered to buy him a carton of cigarettes if he cleaned the entire house and he DID IT.   The house has not looked this good or smelled this nice in years!!!!  And he's been asking what he can do to earn the "next" carton.  I can probably do one more...but unfortunately, I can't have it be a "regular" thing.  DH also told me that he wants to lose weight and quit smoking!  I know that both of those things are extremely difficult, especially for someone with his issues, but the fact that he is thinking about it is an improvement over how things were before....

And to top it all off?  On the same day I met with the attorney and the same day that we did DD's discharge, I learned that I have lupus.  I've started taking anti-malarial drugs for the skin issues and the pain and fatigue.  It was a huge relief to know that that was what was wrong, because lots of doctors in the past had treated (or tried to treat) various parts of it, without looking at the whole.  Now that we know what it is, maybe we can make things a lot better all around, instead of fix one thing and then something else pops up.  The kind of funny (depending on how you look at it) thing is, I didn't really feel like there was something that serious wrong with me until I KNEW that there was something wrong....now I'm noticing the fatigue more....and the aches and pains....and the hair loss.....

My emotions are all a-jumble.  Just like my life.

DH: on the brink of losing his job

Well, I've mentioned it a little before, but DH went in to work last night and found out that because he's missed so many days, they're cutting his hours.  He was a little upset, but I honestly don't see how he can be too upset, because on his very first day of work, he explained to me how it works, and every single time he's called in since then, I've reminded him of what could happen....and now it's happening.  They go by a "points" system where he works.  If you are tardy, it's one point.  If you call in sick on a weekday, it's 1 point.  If you call in sick on a Friday or Saturday, it's 2 points, and there are some days when they are super busy, where if you call in, it can be 3 points.  When you get to eight points, they take one of your shifts away.  At 9 points, they take another (total of two shifts) away.  And when you get to ten points, you're fired.

I'm nervous.  Even losing one shift is a lot of money.  But I've known since he started that this job of his probably wouldn't last....

But.....I'm still hoping that maybe the disability will come through....that way, we'll still have some sort of income from him if he loses his job.

On a more optimistic side....I have had my 6 month review at work (it was a good one) and I passed probation, so I'm now a permanent county employee there.  I also got a .60/hr raise (yay!).  I'm still quite a bit below what I was making before, but doing quite a bit better than if I was working at WalMart.....

I'm so much hoping that the disability comes through.  DH has told me a lot about the hearing, and he hasn't told me anything that would make me think that the judge realistically thought he could do anything....but, like I told DH, "based on how things have been for us these last few years, good financial stuff (with the exception of my job and possibly his) just does not seem to happen to us."  So it'll be nice if it happens, but "par for the course" if it doesn't.

Along those lines, this past week, one morning I got into work, logged on to my computer, and went to check my bank account to make sure my balance was what I thought it was.  It wasn't. (!)  Someone somewhere had charged internet service and textbooks to my check card somehow.  So I lost about $150 before the bank shut the card off.  It appears that the purchases were made only minutes before I signed on to check my account, so that was lucky--who knows how much damage they would've done if I hadn't been so anal about keeping track of that stuff?  But.....that money was earmarked to pay DH's year-old dentist bill (which totals $400) and now I won't be able to pay that until the bank fixes things (they said they'd put the money back into my account in about 2 weeks)....sigh....just one more stressor...

I just seem to get so panicked when the money stuff doesn't leave me/us any "wiggle room" at all.  If the car broke down again, there would be no way to fix it.  I'm lucky that the vet, if there was an emergency, would hold a check or let me make payments, but I don't want to take advantage of that if I don't have to.....DH's disability back pay would help so much.....right now I can pay most of the bills on time.  But there's nothing left over, especially with gas going up....I desperately don't want to use my 401k to make things more manageable.  Right now, I'm hoping against hope that I don't have to.  I know what a bad idea it is, and every financial planner in the world says not to do it.  But sometimes, when I'm trying to figure out how to pay everything so that nothing gets shut off, it seems like a way to make things a little less stressful.  My plan before the disability potentially came into play was that I would use a relatively small sum from the 401k to pay off the bills from town here that are kind of "handshake" loans, where people/places gave us credit because they're nice and so are we.  I so much don't want to ruin any "good name" that's left.....but....beyond that, the credit cards.....well, I'm a lot less averse to filing bankruptcy on them.....I don't want to, but I would not use my 401k to pay those.  So if it came down to it, the plan would not be to use up all of my 401k to pay debt, just use a small amount to give a little "wiggle room" and take care of debt that I owe to people who I will have to look in the eye someday.  If the disability comes through, I won't have to worry about any of this.....and I'm sure hoping that it does....

Disability Hearing

DH had his disability hearing today. I’m amazed, but it sounds extremely hopeful. Apparently there were statements from numerous doctors regarding the fact that he can not function on his own, and if he was required to live independently, he would likely require a group home.

So…..it sounds like….DH made "too much" money last year at his security job. But what that means is, that if the judge finds that DH is/was disabled, he would still get the back pay, and he would be "on disability" but he would not receive any payments until/unless his income went down (i.e., he starts working less or loses his job).

Apparently the attorney made it sound like the back pay is almost a sure thing (it would be about $18000 for us!) and then if he loses his job, he could just fill out an application to have his benefits redetermined and he would be getting about $1400/mo!!!!!!!

I’m still not confident. I’ll believe it when I see it J

But DH told me that the attorney told him "in two to four weeks, things will be a lot better for you guys…." And that she (the attorney) was very confident and said that everything went exactly as she wanted it to…..and that this particular judge "likes" when a person keeps trying to work despite their disability……

This would be potentially triply good news, because where DH is working, they have a "point system", where if you are late, you get 1 point, if you call in on a weekday, you get 1 point, if you call in on a weekend or a holiday, you get 2 points, and when you get to 10 points, you are fired. Yesterday, DH called in to work again….and that makes 9 points. So….potentially, if he gets fired, we might not be completely "up a creek".

And also….I had just decided that I was going to raid my 401k from my previous job to pay a couple of things off (like the engine) (and the $1400 hospital bill from last year’s hospitalization for DH)….I know it’s a bad idea, but things are so very tight right now that there is no other way I could ever pay for these things. I really did not want to take that tax hit, but didn’t see a lot of alternatives short of bankruptcy….and I don’t want to file bankruptcy on bills that are local—does that make sense? Like the 4-wheeler loan, that’s with a local credit union….and the hospital bill….with a local small-town hospital….I just couldn’t stand the thought of hurting my local economy in any way (but hurting a big bank isn’t so personal….I guess…-).) For the most part, I really felt like the 401k was the best route, even if I had to rob from my future.....

Now I think I’m gonna wait 2-4 weeks and see what happens……

DD & DH

We have now set things up so that DD comes home every other weekend for a visit.  However, since I'm still working 2 jobs, I haven't been all that involved in the visits--it's been mostly DH.  DD had an exceptionally good visit two weeks ago, where she was like the kid that she was before the worst of this stupid stuff happened.  Both DH and I enjoyed the visit tremendously, and were hoping for more.

This week, however, I'm seeing/feeling things I don't know how to describe.  First off, when we were scheduling the visit, DD got angry with me when I wouldn't do things her way.  She hung up on me.  I imposed a consequence.  That was all normal and as good as can be expected.  But I think since DH had so much fun during the last visit, he's really jumping the gun with this one.  DD's consequence still has not been performed, I think DH has forgotten about it completely.  He consulted with me after we got her home for the visit and asked if I thought it would be ok if she had her friend over for a sleepover.  I said "we should wait and see how she does tonite and tomorrow morning before we decide."  To me that sounded like a "let's evaluate this together when we get to tomorrow."  But to DH it sounded like "if you think she's been good enough, go ahead."  So he decided it was ok.  And I'm pretty frustrated about that.  But maybe it was my fault for not communicating clearly what I was expecting.  I know that when my "gut" feeling is that I'm mad, and I can't put into words why that is, there's still probably a legitimate reason.

Then, Friday was payday for both DH and me.  It's the day when I give DH his "fun money" allowance for the week.  I normally get home from work at 6:45pm.  He had already called me on my drive home to see where I was and did I have his money?  But I had to stop at a place to pet-sit (it's kind of my intermittent 3rd job) for some people before I got home.  So....while I was still driving to the pet-sitting, he called again asking where I was.  And then after I had been there for 10 minutes, he called AGAIN.  Then, when I turned on to our road, DH apparently got both girls in the car and drove up the road to intercept me on the way so that he could get his stupid money as fast as possible.  I'm irritated about this, to say the least.

This was a remnant of one of our/my problems when DD was living at our house--DH is not a dad to her a lot of the time, he's like another kid.  He just wants to have fun as much as DD and he does not make being a parent or setting a good example a priority.  And she takes full advantage of it.  So it makes me angry with both of them, although I realize intellectually, DD is just doing what kids do: taking advantage of a lack of limits wherever she can find them.  There's no excuse for DH not to step up to the "dad" plate.  But then I fall into the "how much is he capable of, am I expecting too much with his mental health issues?"

On a better (for my sanity) note: The residential treatment center where DD is staying is going to petition to have her stay there past her 18th birthday.  This is a big relief to me, because they were really pressuring me to decide if she was going to come home or not and, while I don't think it's realistic to think that she's "better" enough to come home, I also don't want to be the meanie who basically (in DD's mind anyhow) says "we don't want you any more."  We've already had some set-to's on that issue, because DD now knows that if she cannot improve her behavior, there is a group home placement in her future, and she is hurt and angry about it.  So the fact that the RTC does not think she is ready to go anywhere is a big relief to me.  Maybe a miracle will happen and she will be able to turn things around to where we could make it work.  And if she can't, maybe we can procrastinate that decision to where there is less stress and drama in my life at the time (I know--how likely is that?)

Pride Goeth Before a Fall...

Well.....things were umm....stable(?), at least temporarily....but....Thursday morning on my way to the bus stop, my car started having "issues".  About five miles away from the bus stop, the "check engine" light started flashing.  I've had the light come on before--usually it's the gas cap put on funny or something like that.  But I didn't even know it could flash!  So at the same time, I noticed my car was not driving right, it was kind of sluggish and running much rougher than usual.  But I made it to the bus stop (whew!), caught the bus, made it to work on time, although more than a little concerned.  I called DH and told him what happened, and he called and set up an appointment at the mechanic's for Monday (I'm off work on Monday for Martin Luther King Jr. day).  Neither of us knew what was going on with the car.  (Yes, the same car I was so very proud of, the car I got in July, the "most luxurious car I've ever owned", the same car I told EVERYONE, including you folks, about).

So I got to the bus stop on my way home, and got in my car and it started right up.  That was a relief....I got on my way, and when I had driven about ten miles (40 more to go), the car was really slowing down and I could only go 40 on the freeway, so I decided to exit.  I got to the top of the exit ramp and the car quit.  I had just enough warning of that to pull off to the side.  I called DH (who had just gone to pick up DD for a home visit) to help me out....so he called the mechanic guy who was coming to tow it, and DH and DD came and got me.  I was actually a little relieved, surprisingly, at this point, because now I wasn't worried about whether I was going to make it home or not--I was, my car wasn't.

Anyhow, the mechanic called yesterday morning.  One of the cylinders blew out(?) and I need a new engine.  O. M. G.  Where am I going to get this money?????  I have no idea whatsoever....but somehow things always work out.....still not completely sure that putting an engine into that car is the best plan, but not a lot of time for car shopping, and I'm not sure if I"d get a loan with the high debt load I've got.....so....

So I've been driving DH's car and (since he has fewer miles to get to work) he dug out his pickup truck, which was kind of parked for the winter with not-working-very-well brakes and drove that to work.  So that went ok, and except for the fact that his truck only gets about 10 miles to the gallon, everything except the financial part seems very doable.

Then he woke up today and went to start the truck and it wouldn't start.  The starter's dead--can you believe the timing????  He did give it a few knocks with a crowbar and was able to get it started so that he could get to work (he gets major bad marks if he calls in on a weekend, so I was glad of that), but he couldn't get it started again when it was time to leave.  He got a ride from a coworker, but now we have to get it towed, too!!!!  And now we're down to one vehicle between the two of us who work overlapping shifts.  And no money to get these things done....I'm going to have to ask my brother to loan me some money until our taxes come back (hopefully we'll get a refund of some type).

What a mess.  I always say (and have posted about it) that "when it rains, it pours".....but it's getting a little ridiculous at Carol's house.....

The only "silver lining" is that DH seems remarkably unruffled, considering the circumstances.  Usually, in a crisis like this, "That Guy" would be certain that the world was ending and not be able to make any decisions relating to the crisis.  But DH had the foresight to arrange a ride to work tomorrow, so that at least that day's covered....then I'm off on Monday, so that day's covered....I'm thinking it must be the Pristiq that's changing how stressed out he gets (or doesn't get) over things like this.  I told him I was proud of him.

I know the situation could have been a lot worse than it was, even though it's bad enough.  I'm trying to count my blessings, but it's tough right now.

Bipolar and TBI

DH consistently refers to his Bipolar Disorder as a "Brain Injury", mostly because the psychiatrist, when DH was hospitalized in 2006/07 did a CT scan and found abnormalities (click here for more on that).  And, of course, a "Brain Injury" carries less stigma than a "Mental Illness".  I was searching Google to see if there really was any way that a TBI (traumatic brain injury) could manifest as a mental illness, and I found this extremely interesting article on braininjury.com:

''BRAIN INJURY AND
NEUROPSYCHIATRIC PROBLEMS
There is substantial psychological and neuro-behavioral evidence available to support the fact that traumatic brain injury (TBI) is a risk factor for subsequent psychiatric disorders. In the Journal of Brain Injury (van Reekum R, 1996). The study revealed high rates for post-TBI patients of major depression, bipolar affective disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, borderline and avoidant personality disorders....."

(Click here to read the rest of this article)

Anyhow, this kind of blew me away, so I figured I'd post a link to the full article for all of you!

Dangerous Thoughts

I’ve been really concerned lately about my relationship with DH. I know that all marriages have ups and downs, but it seems like this "down" has lasted forever. I get so angry, I surprise myself with the anger, when I come home from work after my 2-hour each way commute and find that he hasn’t done anything at all except eat and sit on the couch. Even if I’ve called him from work to remind him to do something, chances are, it didn’t get done.

DH’s hours have been cut for the winter, due to fewer customers where he works, so he’s home three or four days a week.

I used to be able to tell myself that "it’s part of his illness" and "he can’t help it" and all sorts of stuff like that, but lately it seems like all I feel is resentment and disappointment. I’m tired of having to remind him to do everything, including taking his pills. I’m tired of coming home and having to do three loads of laundry even though he’s been sitting there all day. Lately, he can’t even lift a finger to call me and tell me that "the dogs are out of dog food" or whatever.

And I’m starting to think dangerous thoughts. On occasion, I find myself wishing that there was a man in my life who carried his (figurative and literal) weight. Who didn’t need constant reminders for everything. Who would work with me as a team, instead of dead weight. Who was financially responsible and didn’t incur a bazillion medical bills, dental bills and prescription bills…And when I think about that imaginary man, it feels really good. And the scariest thing is, I know I’m not asking for much. At least I don’t think.

I find myself thinking about how hard it is for me to handle everything at our house and how things would be easier if I either moved back to town, or moved to a city. And I find myself thinking about how nice it would be to live somewhere where I didn’t have to take care of DH all the time.

And I recognize that’s a bad thing. I did marry DH for life. I don’t break my promises. And I don’t intend to. But in the history of our marriage, these thoughts are very new to me. It’s likely that I am sensing that DH isn’t trying like he used to. And I’m feeling really beaten down, like I’m on a treadmill and can’t get off.

I’m wondering if I’m depressed? I honestly don’t have time right now to go and ask a doctor about that. But it’s a possibility. In recognizing these new thought patterns, hopefully, if I can’t go to the doctor, maybe I’ll be able to self-analyze and figure out what needs of mine aren’t being met. It’s clear that I need to do something, because these kinds of thoughts tend to feed upon themselves and poison things. So I’ve got to stop them, but not quite sure how right now.

Last word

Ok, well, I just somehow feel like I need to explain/defend my thoughts on DH and suicide still/again, as I don't feel like I've explained my point of view correctly.

I don't think I'm being manipulated or threatened with an "If you leave me, I'll kill myself".  I believe strongly that if I asked DH if he would harm himself if I left him, he would deny it vehemently.  However, I strongly suspect that is not the case.

To better explain this, I'll use a different-but-parallel situation.  My mom is in a nursing home.  My brother only visits every few months.  I visit her every single day.  Without fail.  Even if the visit is only 20 minutes, I'm there every day.  I tell her about my day, ask her about hers, tell her I love her.  Make sure she has everything she needs.  (For those of you who know my mom has Alzheimer's, she does still know who I am).  She is happier than I ever thought she would be there at the nursing home.  But she is very proud of the fact that I visit every day and she waits for my visit.  And....I am sure that if I died or stopped visiting, she would lose her will to live and pass on much sooner.  She is not manipulating me or threatening me, and I'm not even sure she knows this.  But I feel it is true.  And that is how I feel about DH and the likelihood that he would harm himself if I left.  Not that I'm that wonderful, but to both DH and my mom, I am a very important person, a person who takes care of them, helps them, hugs them.  It is my opinion that MANY PEOPLE, if they only have one person in the world who is really that kind of support, would see no point in going on if that support person were to be gone forever for whatever reason.  The difference between my DH and my mom is that DH has the means and ability to end his life, where my mom's only recourse would be to curl up and die.  In my mind it's not manipulation at all.

And I also wanted to say that the possibility that DH might kill himself is not the only reason that I stay, not by far.  But it does merit my consideration, for sure.  And my thoughts on that might change if I were to lose so much of my love for him that I was only staying for that one reason.  But I'm not.  I love him and unless "That Guy" moves in to stay, I won't be leaving any time soon.

And now back to our regularly scheduled blog.