Back to the drawing board

Well, DH's disability appeal was denied again.  I shouldn't be surprised, but I was just hoping.....anyhow, the attorney is already working on refiling.  Don't hold your breath, for sure!

DH has been having some problems with his left hand.  And, unlike the back problems, I can see that there is truly a problem.  He started complaining that his hand and fingers were numb.  Then, he became unable to grip things in his left hand (which is a problem, because he is left-handed).  He went to the doctor, who thought it was a nerve problem and sent him to a surgeon.  The surgeon determined that DH would have to have nerve surgery on his left hand/arm, and it would be major (not laparoscopic).  So they started setting that up, but on one of the presurgical visits, the doctor noticed that DH's fingers are contracting in an unusual way.  So now DH is scheduled to see a neurologist to see if it really is a nerve problem or something else.

I'm kind of hoping the neurologist does a bunch of brain tests in addition to hand tests.  DH had a battery of tests back in 2007(?) and it was very interesting to see the results (although DH was bummed out)--I'd like to see what, if anything, has changed.

My mom is still with us, kind of.  Once in a while she still knows who "Donna Mae" is, but most of the time she just sleeps.  We don't have a lot of conversations beyond "I love you" any more.  She struggles to understand what I say, and she has a tough time finding the right words when she does want to say something.  I'm giving thought to getting Hospice involved again.  They did so much good for her last year.....

I'm dreading the time change.  It seems like every year, around daylight savings time, my mom takes a turn for the worse.  And frankly, there's not a whole lot worse she can get, I don't think.  From what I see, she appears to be one of the lower functioning residents at her nursing home now.  Part of me wishes it would all be over, but one night, I had a dream that the nursing home called me to report that she had passed in the night, and I cannot even begin to explain the terror I felt before I realized that it wasn't real.  I know lots of people are in the same situation, but somehow it doesn't feel easier.

The main reason I haven't been posting (aside from not having much to post about), is that work has been insanely busy (at the county).  and my job at the group home has gotten busier too, with some new residents who have higher needs.  I'm really really tired of working both jobs.  I'm hoping that something will happen to make this easier somehow, because every weekend now, I fantasize about not having to work.  Except I have to.  I do think, however, that things are better than they were last year.  So maybe things will be exceptionally good soon!

Sad tonite

I was getting ready to head to work when my brother called me, to relay the information that my Aunt Judy, who was diagnosed with Lung Cancer last winter, is in the hospital.  She had recently undergone her second Gamma Knife radiation treatment for tumors in her brain.  At this point, they don't seem to be sure as to what is really happening or why, but....she has numerous dementia symptoms suddenly.  She doesn't recognize my uncle or their children, she is very confused.  She can't move her right arm at all, and seems to be blind, too.

The saddest thing is that all the tests that the hospital have done so far show good things physically:  No tumors are currently detectable in her brain at all.  The tumors in her body continue to shrink and no new ones have appeared (She has been taking Tamoxifen, which has been shown to extend the life of lung cancer patients).  Her heart is good, her bloodwork looks good too.  Just her brain isn't ok.

From what I can find on the internet, dementia is a very rare side effect of the Gamma Knife procedure.  Based on what I know about my mom, I'm also wondering if the dementia was already starting, and was just "helped along" by the procedure....but if that was the case, why did there not appear to be any dementia following the first procedure she had in January?  Regardless, things do not look good.

My uncle is thinking that if she does not regain any of her abilities, she may have to be moved to a nursing home or a hospice house.  And his heart is breaking.  And, since this aunt and uncle are probably my most favorite relatives in the universe, except for my mom....well, I'm really sad, too.

I am hoping that it's a temporary setback.  But I knew from the "get-go" that the prognosis for Stage 4 lung cancer was not good.  I guess, since my dad died of lung cancer, I kind of had an idea how things would go....of course, that's like saying that since my mom has Alzheimer's, I know how other Alzheimer's patients will present.....but you know, you try to cling to what's familiar to you, and my dad is/was my sole experience with lung cancer.  And he had brain tumors too, but of course in the 1980's, they didn't have the Gamma Knife radiation, or any of the fancy scans that they have these days.  So it's really like comparing apples to oranges, but I keep doing it.....

Anyhow, if you are a praying type of person, and feel like saying a little prayer for my Aunt Judy and my Uncle Neil, I would greatly appreciate it, and probably they would, too.

DH got fired

Well, I know most of you aren't surprised to hear this.  But actually, in the last two weeks, DH had been really trying hard to get into work.  He was very proud of himself.  (He still wasn't doing anything at home at all unless I really really nagged, but at least there was some money coming in)....

Anyhow, tonite he was in a really good mood.  He went to work and was already back home by the time I got home from work.  He said he was scheduled to come in at 3pm, even though for months he has worked at 6pm on Thursday nights.  I'm not sure whose fault it really is, DH's memory and attention to detail is so terrible that he might have looked right at the schedule and not noticed that the time was different.  I'd like to think, also, that management would have pointed out to him that they had made a change, but, according to DH, they didn't.  Well, it's been coming for a long time....and he's had many "second chances".  So here we go.

In a way I have that strange, relieved feeling that I had when I got laid off.  I knew it was coming for so long, it was a relief to have it over and done with and know where things stand.  I'm scared about finances.  But I think if I'm very careful, and maybe sleep at my friend's house once a week, I can make it work.  I don't really have much of a choice!  Well, as I said a few weeks ago, I've been here before and I learned a lot from that.  My biggest fear is DH's "needs".  His cigarettes, his pop, and even though he once again isn't caring about his diabetes, I don't feel right feeding him food that is blatantly unhealthy, especially for a diabetic.  I imagine that's what it'll probably come down to, though....he's not checking his blood sugar or anything like that lately anyhow, and "healthy" foods are so much more expensive....I'll do what I can, but I don't think it'll be the best nutrition....

DH, I think, is still in shock.  He is really handling it remarkably well, considering how he normally reacts to negative stress....but like he said, he thinks he's in shock and that it feels like a bad dream.  I imagine tomorrow or the next day, when it really sinks in, I'll need to keep close tabs on his mental health.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just play it by ear and know that somehow "the money always comes from somewhere".....

Sometimes I just can't see the point........

Well, DH is still pretty much in the same place mentally.  He's not doing much around the house at all, and if there is a way to save him from expending one extra calorie, he will take the lazy way out, even if it means doing something that upsets me.

Take, for example, cigarette butts.  They're all over the driveway.  I've provided him with cans to put them in, explained that all the litter shows a lack of pride in our yard/house/belongings and he says he'll use an ashtray/can, but then after a day or two, he's back to just flicking them anywhere.

Or the damn garbage.  He'll take the full trash bag out of the waste basket in the kitchen, but instead of putting the bag of trash into the big trash can to go out for pickup, he just puts the bag on the deck outside the door.  Same lecture from me about respecting where you live, and also that the deck is not a "garbage room", it is a part of our house/yard that the world can see, and when you put garbage out there, it says "I don't give a crap".

But the worst thing is, that I know he doesn't give a crap about those things any more.  And I look around at the grass which needs cutting again, and recognizing that if I take the time to mow it, I won't get any sleep this weekend.....and looking at all the things that need to be fixed but I don't know how and/or there's not enough money to fix them.....the screen door no longer shuts at all because of the way the hinges broke and according to the hardware guy is going to necessitate a new screen door (and someone alert enough to put it on).....the rest of the roof, which is awful (except for the part that DH's brother did last year, but I can't do that again, that was more stressful than a leaky roof!......The fence for the chicken house kind of fell apart after all the heavy snows this past winter, and, of course there's all the animal chores and the housecleaning.  I do the bare minimum--litter boxes, garbages.....sweep once in a while.....laundry.....but the stuff that takes time and attention to detail, well, I put that off because between working and my mom and sleeping, there's not much time for those things, either.

I'm a little concerned because I find myself thinking about how much easier things would be if he wasn't there.  And they would be.  And that upsets me because I didn't used to feel that way.  He just makes more work for me all around, and I don't know that I'm getting much in return any more.....then I feel selfish, because the "what's in it for me" is not usually how I think (or is it?)  I think (and I recognize that this is never going to happen but....) that if he decided to leave, right now I'd be a little bummed but mostly vastly relieved.  And I think that our story is not on the path to a happy ending.  I don't want to hurt him, but I keep trying to point out that he doesn't seem to care about anyone/anything any more....and things really don't change.  It's really hard to do both sides of the marriage all by yourself.

I'm feeling like I can't handle this place any more, either.  It's too much.  I need to live closer to my main job.....in a place that isn't falling apart all at once.....in a place that costs so much less than where we're living now....where cutting the grass doesn't take 6 hours.....but of course that's all a pie in the sky, because I need to live near my mom right now.....and I have made a lifetime commitment to the animals....and there's just no place except "out in the country" where I could have them all.....don't get me wrong, I certainly don't want any more, but the ones that are already there, well, some days knowing that they depend on me is what gets me up in the morning.....and I like where I live.....it's just that I wonder if maybe it's not very realistic any more.....

Well, that's a lot of wondering.  And not much I can do about it right now except ponder.....I've always been a person who believes (but doesn't necessarily always follow) that if something bothers you, either do something about it or shut up about it.  Unfortunately there are things bothering me, and I feel kind of trapped.  I recognize that some of the "trapped" feeling is my own doing, but it doesn't change how I feel.....I'm hoping this is just a phase...... maybe I need to get a live-in housekeeper/groundskeeper, huh?

The Hand-Off

So much has changed in the brief time that I haven't posted.   When the RTC had said that they wanted DD out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, they really meant it.  DD's social worker was really scrambling to get everything in place, and I could tell she felt really rushed and frustrated, too.

We had DD's "discharge meeting" on April 14.  DH and I, the new foster care lady, social worker, DD and the therapists were all there at the RTC to see DD off.  We met the lady who'll be doing the "foster care".  Surprisingly (or not), she's very nice and we both liked her.  Also surprisingly, it doesn't sound like their home life is much different than ours, except for more kids in the mix.  She (the mom) works full time about an hour away, doing the same thing I'm doing, except I'm working 2 hours away.  The dad works at night and sleeps all day.  Three other kids.  I had had this vision of some lucky lady who was able to stay home all the time and give DD all the attention she needs.  That won't be the case, and I'm kind of disappointed.  I also think that when, in the discharge meeting, the therapist started really giving details about DD's behavior, the mom was starting to have some doubts....but then she put on a happy face and hid it well.  This is the only option that we've been given for DD at this point.  Today we're going over to their house to see where DD will be.  (But she's already there).  We did not get a chance to meet either parent prior to the discharge meeting, so there really is a big question mark as to how things will work and how involved I/we can be.

It was a really strange meeting.  We talked about all the ways that DD has improved since she went to RTC.  But in the back of my mind was "this is bull!  If she was doing so great, why are you doing this?  Right in the middle of what you've referred to as "the most difficult and important part of her therapy"?  I have a lot of anger and confusion towards the RTC.  But that meeting was not the place to express it.  I'm not sure there ever will be a time and place for that, but I feel like, on DD's behalf, that she's on the losing end of a bad breakup.  We're sick of you, we're dumping you, and no, you can't stay for one more day!

I also met with the attorney that the county is using to help us get legal guardianship.  Right now, DD, being 18, could, in theory, decide she didn't want to live where she's at now and move to Timbuktu, until she ended up in jail.  Hopefully the guardianship will all be in place by June, but there will be a couple of days I'll have to take off to get it all done.

I have such a jumble of feelings about all of this.  I'm relieved that she won't be coming home, because I truly don't think she's changed all that much and I didn't want to have to admit defeat a second time.  I'm scared of the new situation.  I'm scared that it won't work out for DD.  But more....I'm scared that it will.  I'm scared that these people have skills that we don't have, and will be able to help DD in ways we only dreamed about.  I'm scared that she's going to end up loving them more than us.  I'm scared that they'll allow her to make choices that she isn't ready to make.  (Remember that although she's 18 by the clock, maturity-wise, she's only about 11 or 12).  I'm afraid that these people won't want to hear what we think, or what we've learned (or haven't learned) in the past.  I'm afraid of stepping on their toes.  I'm afraid of the harm DD might do to their kids.  They seem very nice, but..... 

It's the weirdest feeling....handing your child over....when you still love them....to go and live with another family....twisted up my heart and really made me feel like a failure.  If DH hadn't become ill....If we didn't have all this debt and I didn't have to work 2 jobs.....If we lived in an area where there were more services and more funding....it just isn't fair at all.  I guess I really do want her back.  Just not like she is right now.

And then, after the meeting, I was helping DD pack up her stuff, and she broke down in tears.  I took her in my arms and held her, felt like a mom again.  And I started wishing unrealistic wishes--that she could come home and we could work it all out and be a family again....and I know that's not going to happen--if it was going to, she'd still be in the RTC.

And now.....she's gone.  She's at the "other' house, with a whole 'nother life.  And I didn't have much time to prepare, mentally.  It's clear that something's changed.  I think DH is extremely relieved.  I offered to buy him a carton of cigarettes if he cleaned the entire house and he DID IT.   The house has not looked this good or smelled this nice in years!!!!  And he's been asking what he can do to earn the "next" carton.  I can probably do one more...but unfortunately, I can't have it be a "regular" thing.  DH also told me that he wants to lose weight and quit smoking!  I know that both of those things are extremely difficult, especially for someone with his issues, but the fact that he is thinking about it is an improvement over how things were before....

And to top it all off?  On the same day I met with the attorney and the same day that we did DD's discharge, I learned that I have lupus.  I've started taking anti-malarial drugs for the skin issues and the pain and fatigue.  It was a huge relief to know that that was what was wrong, because lots of doctors in the past had treated (or tried to treat) various parts of it, without looking at the whole.  Now that we know what it is, maybe we can make things a lot better all around, instead of fix one thing and then something else pops up.  The kind of funny (depending on how you look at it) thing is, I didn't really feel like there was something that serious wrong with me until I KNEW that there was something wrong....now I'm noticing the fatigue more....and the aches and pains....and the hair loss.....

My emotions are all a-jumble.  Just like my life.

DH: on the brink of losing his job

Well, I've mentioned it a little before, but DH went in to work last night and found out that because he's missed so many days, they're cutting his hours.  He was a little upset, but I honestly don't see how he can be too upset, because on his very first day of work, he explained to me how it works, and every single time he's called in since then, I've reminded him of what could happen....and now it's happening.  They go by a "points" system where he works.  If you are tardy, it's one point.  If you call in sick on a weekday, it's 1 point.  If you call in sick on a Friday or Saturday, it's 2 points, and there are some days when they are super busy, where if you call in, it can be 3 points.  When you get to eight points, they take one of your shifts away.  At 9 points, they take another (total of two shifts) away.  And when you get to ten points, you're fired.

I'm nervous.  Even losing one shift is a lot of money.  But I've known since he started that this job of his probably wouldn't last....

But.....I'm still hoping that maybe the disability will come through....that way, we'll still have some sort of income from him if he loses his job.

On a more optimistic side....I have had my 6 month review at work (it was a good one) and I passed probation, so I'm now a permanent county employee there.  I also got a .60/hr raise (yay!).  I'm still quite a bit below what I was making before, but doing quite a bit better than if I was working at WalMart.....

I'm so much hoping that the disability comes through.  DH has told me a lot about the hearing, and he hasn't told me anything that would make me think that the judge realistically thought he could do anything....but, like I told DH, "based on how things have been for us these last few years, good financial stuff (with the exception of my job and possibly his) just does not seem to happen to us."  So it'll be nice if it happens, but "par for the course" if it doesn't.

Along those lines, this past week, one morning I got into work, logged on to my computer, and went to check my bank account to make sure my balance was what I thought it was.  It wasn't. (!)  Someone somewhere had charged internet service and textbooks to my check card somehow.  So I lost about $150 before the bank shut the card off.  It appears that the purchases were made only minutes before I signed on to check my account, so that was lucky--who knows how much damage they would've done if I hadn't been so anal about keeping track of that stuff?  But.....that money was earmarked to pay DH's year-old dentist bill (which totals $400) and now I won't be able to pay that until the bank fixes things (they said they'd put the money back into my account in about 2 weeks)....sigh....just one more stressor...

I just seem to get so panicked when the money stuff doesn't leave me/us any "wiggle room" at all.  If the car broke down again, there would be no way to fix it.  I'm lucky that the vet, if there was an emergency, would hold a check or let me make payments, but I don't want to take advantage of that if I don't have to.....DH's disability back pay would help so much.....right now I can pay most of the bills on time.  But there's nothing left over, especially with gas going up....I desperately don't want to use my 401k to make things more manageable.  Right now, I'm hoping against hope that I don't have to.  I know what a bad idea it is, and every financial planner in the world says not to do it.  But sometimes, when I'm trying to figure out how to pay everything so that nothing gets shut off, it seems like a way to make things a little less stressful.  My plan before the disability potentially came into play was that I would use a relatively small sum from the 401k to pay off the bills from town here that are kind of "handshake" loans, where people/places gave us credit because they're nice and so are we.  I so much don't want to ruin any "good name" that's left.....but....beyond that, the credit cards.....well, I'm a lot less averse to filing bankruptcy on them.....I don't want to, but I would not use my 401k to pay those.  So if it came down to it, the plan would not be to use up all of my 401k to pay debt, just use a small amount to give a little "wiggle room" and take care of debt that I owe to people who I will have to look in the eye someday.  If the disability comes through, I won't have to worry about any of this.....and I'm sure hoping that it does....

My mom is falling apart, piece by piece....

The nurse practitioner called me and let me know that my mom's hemoglobin was at 8.2.  8.0 is usually the cut-off for when someone needs a transfusion.  She offered me some options--1) do nothing, let nature take its course (since I was already agonizing about life and death decisions with Sarah, this one was tough to entertain.... and 2) do the transfusion and see how long her hemoglobin improves for and reconsider...and 3) do a whole bunch of tests to see if we can figure out where the bleeding is coming from.  That one isn't under serious consideration, because first of all, my mom has been anemic for years and has had CT scans, MRIs, colonoscopies, esophageal scopes and other tests to find the source and nothing has ever turned up and also....my mom is so frail right now, even if we did find something, there probably wouldn't be much we could do about it--it's not like if we found colon cancer, for example, that we could do surgery or chemo or radiation, so what's really the point of putting her through all those tests that are so stressful....?

After looking online and talking to some people, I had pretty much decided that a transfusion (at least the very first one ever) would be minimally invasive and with very little risk of side effects, so I was pretty set to go ahead....

Then I went to visit her, and the first thing she said was "I'm not sure how to tell you this, but I'm going to be coming into a lot of money tomorrow. More than a hundred dollars! I'm in shock! The caretaker here (NH?) is going to give it to me."....so right away I ran into the hallway, caught the charge nurse and asked her to order a UA--sure enough, hazy urine with "many" bacteria I'm losing count of how many UTIs this makes. They're starting her on a CEPHA antibiotic until they get the culture back. I'm suspecting, since the NP warned me that it could happen, that this is the VRE again....sigh....

But wait! There's more! The charge nurse examined her and there was a small amount of bloody fluid coming from her left ear. Then, a few hours later, there was bloody fluid coming from her right ear, also. NP will be officially checking this today, but general consensus is ear infection(s) in both ears. My mom says she has no pain, thank goodness...

They say the CEPHA antibiotic will also help the ear infection(s)....but this is very scary to me, as I cannot remember the last time my mom had one ear infection (maybe 30 years ago?) let alone two (never?)...

It's like an old car where more and more parts wear out until you just can't fix it any more.

And I'm not ready for this.

Time to make a Dr. appt...I suppose...when I have time...

I participated in a clinical study for caregivers recently.  Yesterday I received this in my email:

"......Hope you are having a good week!

We have been looking at caregivers' responses to the first set of questionnaires that you completed. One set of questions asked about caregiver burden and stress, and the other set asked about feelings of depression. I wanted to share your score on each questionnaire. Note that this information is and will remain confidential. These questionnaires are used by health care providers in many settings.


Zarit Caregiver Burden Inventory

The Zarit questionnaire measures feelings of stress and burden. Possible scores on this scale range from 0 to 48. A higher score means a higher level of stress and burden.

Scoring guidelines:
0 – 11 = little or no burden
12 – 23 = mild to moderate burden
24 – 35 = moderate to severe burden
36 – 48 = severe burden

YOUR Zarit Caregiver Burden Inventory score: 35

If your score is 24 or above, I strongly encourage you to bring this up with your doctor as soon as you can.


Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression Scale

This scale, called the CES-D, measures feelings of depression. Possible scores range from 0 to 30. A high score means a higher level of depressive symptoms or feelings.

Scoring guidelines:
7 or lower = few or no depressive symptoms are present
8 or higher = some depressive symptoms are present

If your score is 8 or above, I strongly encourage you to bring this up with your doctor as soon as you can.

YOUR Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression score: 20


Now what?

These questionnaires do not provide a diagnosis, but may indicate an area of concern. You may want to talk about your feelings with your doctor or a counselor since your scores on both assessments were on the higher end. I have also attached two documents for you that discuss caregiver stress and depression, which may be of some help."

I know I've been stressed out, and suspected I was depressed but...jeesh!  I'll be making an appointment as soon as I have time (it will have to be on a Saturday, but I can do it....it can only help, right?)

Lately it just seems so hard....(pity party ahead!)

I must have "the winter blues" because suddenly everything feels hopeless, like no matter how hard I try, things keep getting worse, instead of improving.

I got my car back, and now (for DH's truck + my car) owe $3000 to my brother.  And that's really really embarrassing to me.  And I was very happy to drive my own car to work this morning, but now I keep imagining(?) that there are other things wrong--a funny noise here, a funny smell there...I'm probably just paranoid because the car seemed to respond better and use less gas than before....but....

And I really do have to make that appointment for Sarah (dog).  This morning when I went to let her out, she couldn't find the front door, even with me calling her over there.  And the accidents have been getting worse, if you can imagine that...but it's breaking my heart....

And my mom.  She may or may not be stable.  Everything she says now makes sense, but she keeps telling me she "doesn't feel good" but when I or the nurses try to figure out what's going on, she can't tell us.  Her bloodwork seems fine.  But she's sleeping nearly all day and back to not eating.

Winter.  Need I say more?  It's been relentless.  All it does is snow and when the snow mercifully stops, it's 20 below zero.  I fell the other day when I was bringing in firewood and that could have been really bad, because DH was at work....but luckily I was ok....I'm just so tired of clouds, snow and cold....

And I'm worried about money.  After DH driving his truck for nearly 2 weeks, I'm worried that I won't have enough money for gas to get to work next week.

It just feels like "one step forward, three steps back".  And I hope I "get over" this feeling soon.....spring would probably be a good cure...

Pride Goeth Before a Fall...

Well.....things were umm....stable(?), at least temporarily....but....Thursday morning on my way to the bus stop, my car started having "issues".  About five miles away from the bus stop, the "check engine" light started flashing.  I've had the light come on before--usually it's the gas cap put on funny or something like that.  But I didn't even know it could flash!  So at the same time, I noticed my car was not driving right, it was kind of sluggish and running much rougher than usual.  But I made it to the bus stop (whew!), caught the bus, made it to work on time, although more than a little concerned.  I called DH and told him what happened, and he called and set up an appointment at the mechanic's for Monday (I'm off work on Monday for Martin Luther King Jr. day).  Neither of us knew what was going on with the car.  (Yes, the same car I was so very proud of, the car I got in July, the "most luxurious car I've ever owned", the same car I told EVERYONE, including you folks, about).

So I got to the bus stop on my way home, and got in my car and it started right up.  That was a relief....I got on my way, and when I had driven about ten miles (40 more to go), the car was really slowing down and I could only go 40 on the freeway, so I decided to exit.  I got to the top of the exit ramp and the car quit.  I had just enough warning of that to pull off to the side.  I called DH (who had just gone to pick up DD for a home visit) to help me out....so he called the mechanic guy who was coming to tow it, and DH and DD came and got me.  I was actually a little relieved, surprisingly, at this point, because now I wasn't worried about whether I was going to make it home or not--I was, my car wasn't.

Anyhow, the mechanic called yesterday morning.  One of the cylinders blew out(?) and I need a new engine.  O. M. G.  Where am I going to get this money?????  I have no idea whatsoever....but somehow things always work out.....still not completely sure that putting an engine into that car is the best plan, but not a lot of time for car shopping, and I'm not sure if I"d get a loan with the high debt load I've got.....so....

So I've been driving DH's car and (since he has fewer miles to get to work) he dug out his pickup truck, which was kind of parked for the winter with not-working-very-well brakes and drove that to work.  So that went ok, and except for the fact that his truck only gets about 10 miles to the gallon, everything except the financial part seems very doable.

Then he woke up today and went to start the truck and it wouldn't start.  The starter's dead--can you believe the timing????  He did give it a few knocks with a crowbar and was able to get it started so that he could get to work (he gets major bad marks if he calls in on a weekend, so I was glad of that), but he couldn't get it started again when it was time to leave.  He got a ride from a coworker, but now we have to get it towed, too!!!!  And now we're down to one vehicle between the two of us who work overlapping shifts.  And no money to get these things done....I'm going to have to ask my brother to loan me some money until our taxes come back (hopefully we'll get a refund of some type).

What a mess.  I always say (and have posted about it) that "when it rains, it pours".....but it's getting a little ridiculous at Carol's house.....

The only "silver lining" is that DH seems remarkably unruffled, considering the circumstances.  Usually, in a crisis like this, "That Guy" would be certain that the world was ending and not be able to make any decisions relating to the crisis.  But DH had the foresight to arrange a ride to work tomorrow, so that at least that day's covered....then I'm off on Monday, so that day's covered....I'm thinking it must be the Pristiq that's changing how stressed out he gets (or doesn't get) over things like this.  I told him I was proud of him.

I know the situation could have been a lot worse than it was, even though it's bad enough.  I'm trying to count my blessings, but it's tough right now.

Bipolar is always there. Sometimes more than usual.

DH has been sliding back somewhat, mental health wise.  I think it has to do with me starting the new job and not being around so much, maybe?  That's all I can think of, anyhow....he's been "forgetting" to take his pills more often (so I end up being the pill nagger), and he's been starting to spend a lot of time in the bedroom watching Frasier reruns again.  For hours on end, when he's not working.  At least he hasn't been fired yet....that money is going to be very important this winter, since my new job does not pay as much as my old full time job did.

DH is supposed to have gotten his lithium and depakote levels measured at the clinic way back in July.  I remind him to do that EVERY SINGLE DAY and he tells me he'll schedule it and then he doesn't.  One day I scheduled the appointment for him, and he "couldn't get up" to go.  It's getting really frustrating, because it's possible that the lab appointment could pinpoint why he's been struggling.

Right now, being married to a bipolar husband is like swimming with a 10-pound weight around my ankle--I can do it, and I can get where I want to go, but everything is a lot harder than it should be, and nothing is done as "prettily" as it would be--like garbage.  DH, when I'm not home (and he's not healthy mentally), is apparently, as of late, incapable of dealing with garbage.  When the garbage in the kitchen gets full, instead of emptying it into the garbage can that the garbage hauler picks up, DH just throws the bag onto the deck.  I HATE this, because to me, the deck is a part of our living space, and I wouldn't throw garbage into the living room just because I was being lazy....but anyhow....when I see garbage on the deck, I stubbornly refuse to put it in the right spot, because it's not that hard, and he is making things harder for me if I go along with that.  Ok, at this point, he's making things harder anyhow...sigh....anyhow, it can take DAYS of nagging for me to be able to get him to put the garbage in the right place (remove it from the deck and put it in the can).  And he's back to his old habit of just throwing his pop cans wherever they happen to land, too.   I can't help but fantasize about how much less cleaning stress there would be if it was just me living there.  How many more things would get finished when they got started.....one of the hard things is, though, that he has the skills and knowledge to do a lot of the fixit stuff around the house and I don't.  So I depend on him to do the fixit stuff, and usually he starts something, and then doesn't finish it until I start looking for someone to pay to get it done.

There is so much around our house that should be getting done.  I am only one person and it seems like if I can work 60 hours a week and still manage to clean the litter boxes, clean up after Sarah, take care of the chickens and geese and also do laundry, that maybe he could do something too, besides watching tv.  Yes, that does sound resentful, doesn't it?

I do know, as I've said before, that he doesn't do this on purpose.  But I also feel, when he doesn't even TRY to help himself (i.e. by going to his lab appointment etc) that it is not a joint effort.  If he was trying to help himself but still having troubles, I would be a lot less frustrated because I would know that he's trying.  But he's not.  And I'm ready to scream.  I suspect things'll get better, but right now I'm really feeling dragged down.

I know I need to readjust my expectations, like I have in the past, and not expect anything at all from him, then be pleasantly surprised if he does something.  But it's not even just a matter of him not doing things, it's a matter of him making things worse than the need to be, and that is what is frustrating me the most today.

Yikes.

I worked for the Census over the summer, if you don't remember....During the second "operation", which lasted about 3 weeks, my "boss" was an older man named Larry.  I didn't think too much of him--he argued with me a lot over stupid things and did not seem to believe that anyone could do the job well without him reminding them of every step of the process, even though we'd all attended the same training sessions.  He even added in a few steps that the Census didn't require.  I was frustrated with him, but I was able to see that he was a nice guy who just wasn't that good of a boss. 


Yesterday, I was reviewing the address book on my cell phone and I realized that since the Census was over, I could remove all of the Census folks from my address book.  So I deleted Larry, along with several others.

Today, I was reading the local paper, and I see that he passed away last week, only about two weeks after I last saw him.  He was 62--must've been a heart attack or something, as he died at the local hospital and he wasn't sick when I saw him last....

Made me feel bad for not liking him more.

Yikes.  You never know....

I've been busy and busier....

I really wish there was some way I could transpose my thoughts (not all of them of course) directly to this blog without actually typing--I've been thinking about so many things I need to share with you all and I just haven't seemed to have time to actually follow through :-(

I'm not sure that any of this will be in any semblance of order, so if something seems chronologically out of whack, it's probably because I'm just spewing thoughts....

Anyhow.....I got a "new to me" car--to replace my little red Corolla that didn't make it through the deer encounter....I'm not sure if I told you or not, that the insurance company only gave me about $4000 for my car--it was a 2004, but it had 275,000 miles on it (from that darned long commute to the job that no longer exists), so they took about $3000 off for that high mileage.

So DH and I went car shopping.  Several times.  And I learned that it's really really hard to find used Toyotas.  And it's even harder to find used Toyotas that cost less than $5000.  Apparently, people tend to drive them until they drop, or until they hit deer.  So I went online and found a total of about three Corollas within a hundred miles that were in the right price range AND 2003 or newer.  It became obvious that I was going to have to "settle".  DH and I went to a nearby "big town" and went to pretty much every car lot there.  We test drove a couple of older Toyotas and a 2005 Kia Rio.  I liked it (the Kia), but I hadn't done any research on how reliable it is/was, so decided to stick to the Toyota plan until further notice.  It sounds like I made the right call there, based on what I could find online.

The next day, after finding a used car dealer that advertised several used (but older--sigh) Toyotas online, we drove to that place, about 120 miles away from home.  And drove about 10 Toyotas, from a 1991 to a 2002.  A lot of them were really junky.  Especially the "really old" ones.  But we wound up buying a baby blue 1997 Toyota Camry XLE, which is the top-of-the-line Camry.  Fully loaded, leather seats, power sunroof, etc.  Everything works except the dash light for the tachometer.  Rides like a limo.  The mechanic (who we didn't know but figured was better than nothing) we brought it to (on short notice) said he didn't see any obvious reasons why we shouldn't buy it.  So we/I did.  It's a lot bigger than my Corolla, which means that it'll get a lot worse gas mileage (and the 6 cylinder engine isn't going to help either) but I really want/need the reliability (hopefully) of a Toyota, because I'd rather spend a little extra consistently on gas than have huge unexpected repair bills every time I turn around.....anyhow, if you picture this car in baby blue, that's exactly what it looks like (I'd have taken a picture of the actual car, but it's dark out and I don't want to wait!)

I'm still really scared that it's gonna break down any minute.  The inside is so clean, I can't believe anyone ever drove it....and it's by far the most luxurious car I've ever owned.  I actually test drove it three times to make sure I wasn't being swayed by the luxury.  But compared to the other Toyotas I drove, even the 2002, it seemed a lot less worn (I hope!).  I'm glad that's over with.

One of the main reasons I haven't posted this past week is that we've been working on clearing out my mom's assisted living apartment.  It's been a lot more emotional than I anticipated.  Every time I've been over there I've ended up sobbing--even DH, who's "a man who's not supposed to cry" (according to him) broke down when he saw that they had taken her name off of the door.  I know it's been really hard on him, too.  But he's trying to be strong for me.  He's really been a help, although he's been somewhat stubborn about his ideas--one night he wanted to start moving furniture at 9:30pm, and when I said that we should wait until morning, he argued with me and sulked for the rest of the night...but he got up in the morning and moved furniture and it all worked out....anyhow....I'm not sure if we were supposed to have everything out today (7/31) or if it matters, but there are still a few boxes in the apartment and I still need to vacuum the floor and clean the oven...so I'm hoping nobody will care if I finish up on Sunday....it'll feel good to be done with that, too--then I can concentrate on just visiting with my mom.

And my mom's cat.  He's at our house right now, in DD's bedroom, because he's about 16 years old and I was worried that he might not adjust well to a house full of animals....he's been doing ok, I guess, eating and drinking....but.....today I decided to bring him to visit my mom in the nursing home, and I noticed that his meow had changed.  In my experience that is never a good thing.  I observed (and I may have mentioned this before) that his belly is very very large, but you can feel his bones.  It doesn't appear that he's jaundiced (which would explain the large belly [ascites

DD is still having a tough time at her residential treatment facility.  She's had to be physically restrained twice this past week, and she had a big tantrum in the therapist's office when the therapist informed her that due to her behavior, she would not be allowed to go off grounds with DH and I to shop or go out to eat.  And then there are her bio relatives, who, in the 9 years that DD has lived with us, despite our continued urging, have never called her to go out for ice cream, never called her to say hi, never called us to ask how she's doing....now that they've learned that DD is in this new setting, are demanding to visit her there, and accusing us of "keeping her from them".  Argh.  I need to keep biting my tongue.  The therapist says DD is too unstable at the moment to have visits from bio family members.  So I've been telling them to call the therapist.  But it's still stressful!

So that's pretty much what I remember about what's been going on this past week or two--oh--and I have a job interview on Aug. 9.  Oh--and did I tell you (probably not) that I found out that because my job went overseas I could go to school for whatever I want (as long as it's in demand) including a Masters degree if I wanted to and they would continue to pay me unemployment for the entire time I was in school????  I'm kind of leaning towards getting some sort of computer certification that would result in a better job (hopefully).  If DH keeps working (and I know that's a big "if"), it would be doable.  So if I were to take something that required one year of schooling at a local Vo-Tech, and if DH could hold out for a year or so, then when I got done with school, even if DH couldn't keep working, I could go back to making similar money to what I was making at my corporate job before I got laid off.  Some things to think about, for sure!

Where "That Guy" hopefully got washed away.....

Things have been going remarkably well with DH and his new job. I haven't heard from the Social Security people yet, but I'm expecting the "Sorry, we found someone who was a better fit" letter any day now.....so.....here's something new and unusual:

DH and I were both working overnight shifts--me at the group home and him at his workplace. He got off an hour earlier than I did. As soon as I left work, though, he called my cell phone. "Where are you??? I need you, hurry home." Me, thinking that either he got fired again, or one of the animals had died, panicked and flew home as fast as I could. When I got there, DH was in bed. I asked him what was wrong. "I had a bad day." I asked him if he got fired. "Not yet." (uh-oh).....so I suggested he tell me about it.

DH told me that there was a little old lady in a wheelchair. And she needed help reaching a change machine from her wheelchair. DH, who knew that touching her money would usually be against the rules, but also recognizing that the lady needed help, decided to help her. Another guard "told" on him, and the manager who was on duty that night came and um.....basically tore him a new one, if you know what I mean....screaming, swearing, threatening DH. But the thing that upset him was that the little old lady was absolutely traumatized. She was physically shaking, and was absolutely terrified. Luckily, the manager's supervisor had been observing the entire thing on the surveillance camera, and came down, said "I want to talk to you" to the manager, and assigned DH to a new post. He told DH that he didn't do anything wrong, and that he would want any guard to help someone in that situation. After telling me this, DH burst into tears (this is monumental--for him, I think it's a FIRST) and cried for about a half hour straight. He was so worried about that lady, and he just couldn't calm down. Eventually, though, I reminded him that if the manager's supervisor was on top of things enough to come and intervene, he probably knew that the lady was upset and he probably did something to make her feel better (freebies, etc).

I didn't realize until afterwards, that "That Guy" never showed up. Not when DH was being yelled at, and not while he was telling me about the situation, either. This is the first time I can remember that DH has cried like that, ever. I know that's a good thing. DH told me, "I'm sorry, I was just so pissed off that if I didn't cry, I was going to be really angry."

FIXED-->(Oh for Pete's sake, I have no idea why we're getting that weird "proxy" message--I'll try to fix that on a different computer, I guess--right now I'm on a Mac, and maybe that's causing problems...? I don't know--but I apologize!)

Wow. (Of course I told him he didn't have anything to apologize for)....I am just absolutely flabbergasted that "That Guy" did not make even a minor appearance--then I hoped "That Guy" drowned in the tears :-)

The next night, the manager, it turns out, was suspended. Her supervisor called DH into his office and reiterated that he did nothing wrong. DH asked about the old lady, and the manager told him that he "took good care of her". DH asked if he was going to be written up for this, and the supervisor again told him that he would expect any guard to help in that situation. Thank God.

I'm a little worried that DH might get trouble from the manager who got suspended. But since everything is recorded there, hopefully it can be stopped before it turns into anything big. The supervisor did make a point of telling DH that "if you have any problems, let me know..." and DH and I both thought that he was referring to the possibility of retaliation by the manager.

I'm so proud of DH, I could burst.

Employed does not mean healthy.

Well, DH has been working now for three weeks. He's really excited about it and he seems very proud to be helping out (the first paycheck will either show up tomorrow or Monday). He is excited about our agreement--what I decided was, and I believe that given our financial situation, it's more than fair, his check will go into my account via direct deposit. On payday I will give him $50.00 in "fun money". Then, since DH and I both know that that money will be gone almost instantly, a week later, on the week he doesn't get paid, he'll get $50.00 MORE in "fun money", and the rest of the paycheck will be mine to use toward bills. I'll still pay for gas and pop and cigarettes for the most part, out of that money. (DH and I are both (surprisingly enough) of the opinion that if I allowed him money for gas, pop, etc., he'd spend it and I'd be coming up with money for those things anyhow. While his awareness is much better than it's been for a long time, his self-control is still pretty non-existent.

And then there's the concept of "not every day at work is a good day." There have been a few times where DH has been told he's doing something wrong, or not at the right time. He has gotten so upset over these things, I had to ask him to take a Lorazepam to calm down. I've had to tell him that panicking is not a good way to handle any situation. But he gets almost tearful and says, "I'll be crushed if I lose this job too." And I feel so bad. But panicking every time something goes wrong is not likely to improve his performance. I'm hoping that as he works more, he'll become healthier in that area.

I'm kind of weirded out lately. I've been "unemployed" (from my full time job) for two and a half months now, and I go and look for jobs, apply for a few, and then I really don't remember what I used to do with myself when I had free time. And then I feel guilty, because there are really so many things I should be doing, I just have no idea where to start.

And I need to learn how to do a job interview without quaking in my boots.

An interview for me.....

Hi everyone, I hope you all had a happy and blessed Easter....I enjoyed Easter Dinner (from the crockpot(s), of course) with my mom and DH. DD opted to go with her "real" mom, which, since we already had plans, really bothered me, but I let her go just so she wouldn't ruin my day. I know that's bad parenting, but sometimes, with her tantrums, I just mentally throw up my hands and say "it doesn't matter anyhow, she's not getting any less selfish by being told what to do....." I guess that's a whole 'nother post, but I am so fed up with the selfishness--maybe there's a reason God didn't give me biological kids, huh? I don't know. But it seems like DD's friends are a lot less selfish than her, and so I don't think it's unnatural to be fed up with her "me, me, me" attitude. Just wish I knew what to do about it, of course...

I interviewed today to be a Disability Examiner with the State. I was surprised to find that I wasn't as nervous as I usually am, but I don't think I was a stand-out candidate, either. I can only hope that the other candidates came across as not-so-stellar, too. I know I didn't say anything that was an "Oh no, just blew the interview..." but I didn't say anything amazing, either, and I've been second-guessing myself and determined that I'm not impressed.

The strangest thing about this interview--I don't remember applying for that job at all. And my heart won't be broken if I don't get it. But I am now in the mood to work a little harder on my job search. It's so easy to become complacent, and I'm afraid I've been guilty of that. I need to get things in gear!

DH is still employed. Last night made five days of work for him. He still seems excited about it, and says he hasn't had any problems yet. I'm going to cross my fingers (still)....and another good thing???? He has come out and said that he is going to just turn over his entire check to me. I will continue to buy him pop and put gas in his car. And I'll give him a little "fun money". And the rest will be to pay bills--how cool is that going to be if he can keep this job???!!!! I'm so proud of him--even before he got "sick", he never would have decided to do that. But I guess after all this time, it must be pretty obvious that I'll make sure his needs are met, as much as I possibly can.

Four Days.....

Well, DH has been at his new job for four days now, and he hasn't been fired or even reprimanded, if he's being honest about things....he's so excited to be working again, I am really hoping that it will work, but I am still not confident...it's a pretty active job, and after three years of laying in bed/sitting on couch, walking a bunch and breaking up fights is a lot more than he's used to. Consequently, he has a lot of physical complaints. I hope he can work past them, and I told him that it would be better if he didn't share those complaints with his manager unless he absolutely couldn't do his job...and DH didn't seem to understand why he should keep quiet. But he said he would, anyhow....

On Thursday morning he came home and I was sleeping (Rather surprising, but I've been going to bed at around 10pm and not getting up until about 10am--and I'm just exhausted!). Anyhow, I was sleeping, and he walked in, all slumped over, and I woke up and asked him what was wrong. "You're not gonna believe this", he said. "I don't know what I'm doing wrong!" I asked him what he meant. "I got fired again!" I got real alarmed and jumped out of bed, thinking that this was terrible, and what happened now, etc....

And he looked me in the eye and said "April Fool. Go back to bed."

Argh.

But I did kind of deserve it, for an April Fools joke I played on him back before he got sick--he's never forgiven me for that, and every once in a while I tease him about it....so I guess what's good for the goose....right? LOL

Today will be a busy day. When I get off work at 8am, I'm going to run to my mom's and throw food in crockpots, then run home and take a nap. Then I'll get up and bring her to church (just down the hall) and then we'll have our Easter. Then I'll go home and sleep a little more, and then go to work again. I've got to tell them that I don't want all these hours, but it's hard when I think about the paycheck :-(

But I'll never find a "good" full time job, if I keep spending all my time working for this (supposedly) part time job.

Oh well. Happy Easter everyone!

If it's not one thing, it's another!

I know you weren't expecting this, neither was I, of course, but DH is in the hospital. Two nights ago, he told me (and this might be too much information, but I'll tell you anyhow), that there was a huge lump in his scrotum and it was growing fast and it hurt so bad he could barely walk. He felt like he needed to go to the emergency room. I tried to get him to wait until Monday (another hospital bill--just what we need....sigh) and he said that he couldn't wait. I was inclined to believe him, even though I didn't want to, because I figured if it was drama, he would've been having back pain again, not pain THERE.

So anyhow, it turns out that he has a serious infection and had he not gone in when he did, it could have been life-threatening. They're giving him those super-antibiotics to try to kill the infection but they're not working so far. A urologist is making a special trip to see him tomorrow to determine if they are going to need to do surgery to get the infection out of there.

Yesterday and the day before, he was his normal self, only in a lot of pain and a little spacey from the pain drugs they were giving him. Today, he can't stay awake for more than ten seconds. I couldn't even get him to stay awake long enough to drink a glass of juice. The doctors are concerned enough to change the pain meds, but nobody seems sure of what is going on today and why DH can't wake up.

Also, the nurse told me that they took a chest xray today to see if maybe he was having pneumonia or something else going on, and I asked her if it was clear and she looked it up on the computer in his room and started to explain to me that "there's a little...something....and it's easy to treat....." and then she decided to have a respiratory therapist come up and explain that to me. That's who I'm waiting for now.

I'm a lot more worried today than I was yesterday. I guess an infection in the scrotum is a hugely big deal. Dang it, why can't we just go for a year or two without any health crises????

Here we go.....

This is me, blogging on my very last day of full time work. I've shed a lot of tears....I truly had no idea that people thought so highly of me....every time I turn around, someone else is stopping by, giving me a hug....it makes me really sad that it took me leaving to make me see that....

It's very very weird. But it's been a very weird two months. I've never been laid off before, and while I keep trying to look on the positive side, sometimes the bitterness still comes through....

And then there's my interview tomorrow. I found out that if I were lucky enough to be offered the position, as far as my company is concerned, they wouldn't even count the break in service....so that's very good. I found an outfit at the thrift store today, I think it'll do, although I didn't look at it and go "Yeah, that's THE outfit!" But at least it's professional and it fits me and covers everything it's supposed to :-) In a short while I'm going to go and review possible questions that I might be asked, and write down a few "stories" that I can use to illustrate my points. Only my friend Anita (and you all) know(s) that I am going to this interview. I didn't want to jinx myself by telling anyone else. Plus, if I don't get the job, I don't want to have to explain that to anyone if I don't have to....

I'm kind of worried about my winter coat (isn't that silly?). I have a very "outdoorsy", casual winter coat--it's kind of masculine, but in a feminine kind of way, like a ladies' flannel shirt. It's definitely not professional, and I don't have a "professional" winter coat, because I've never had to dress in suits for my corporate job--it was at night, so nobody cared what the night shift wore....but now I'm faced with a dilemma. How to handle the unprofessional coat. Wear it and take it off as soon as I walk in the door and hope nobody realizes that it's unprofessional? (that's what I'm leaning towards) Or leave it in the car completely and risk looking silly because I came in 10* weather without a coat? I can't afford to go out and buy one. So I'm fretting about the coat. For Pete's sake, Carol!

Well, I'm scheduled to work at my part time job on Friday at 5pm, but I probably won't be able to update all of you about the interview until Saturday. I'm scared. But I am so glad to have all the words of wisdom from all of you....you are giving me more confidence than I would have otherwise...cross your fingers for me!

I need to lose 40 lbs in 3 days :-)

Not sure how I feel about this but....

I've got an interview.

It's with my still-current (but very soon to be former) employer, in another department. I'm not sure I'm qualified, but I have done similar work in the past. Apparently my resume made them think that I might be able to do the job.

I am not sure I want to keep working at the same company. But I DO want to keep working. I might get laid off "again". But I guess that could happen anyhow, right?

Anyhow. So I haven't done a job interview for over 4 years. I don't have interview clothes. I need to lose weight. Maybe I should get a haircut. (but it would be just my luck that the haircut would be awful). I'm an introvert. I'm nervous and scared. But that'll be the case at any job.

I've just told DH that I'll go in there on Friday (yep, the day after my "last" day) and do my best. And what will be will be....right?????

Any words of wisdom are welcome.

Oh--and I probably won't be able to lose the 40 lbs by then. Sigh.