I need to pep up--I'm really down

The good news first:  I didn't end up getting laid off (at least yet) because the judge deemed my job to be "essential" so it will still be funded even though the government has shut down.  I know some things might change if the shutdown lasts for over a month, so there is still some uncertainty....but at least I don't have to worry about that for now...

And the rest?  Just sad news.

My mom has been extremely sleepy, to the point where she can't/won't wake up.  She is refusing food and yesterday she refused liquids too.  I'm very afraid, because although there are "good" days in between these no-eating/drinking days still, the "good" days are where a) she opens her eyes, b) she asks about my day and c) she eats a few bits for supper--so as you can see, even the "good" days aren't very good any more.

I'm really grieving.  My birthday was July 7.  It was the first year that she didn't know it was my birthday.  And lately I've been so much wanting to just call her up to hear her voice.....but then I have to remember that she doesn't know how to use a phone any more, even if she was alert enough to talk....

The nursing home was concerned about her sleeping so much and tested her for another UTI.  Of course it was positive, and the culture showed that the UTI might respond to an oral antibiotic, so they started her on it....but nothing changed at all.  So the nursing home called me to ask me how aggressive I wanted to be with finding out what's going on....and I said I don't know.  Right at this moment, she really has no quality of life that I can see....she's not enjoying herself, and even the "good" days aren't very good.  But if there is a treatment that could improve her quality of life, I don't want to forego that, either. 

I'm scared.

I requested that the nursing home social worker contact me about getting my mom started with hospice.  When this was brought up a couple of months ago, I thought that we should reach a decision as to the resistant UTI first.  Then my mom got a little better for a couple of weeks, so I put it off....But I think it's time.  And the denial part of me is screaming and pounding the floor with her fists.  My mom can't die, she just can't.  But she's going to, and unless she starts eating and drinking, it'll probably be sooner rather than later.

I woke up this morning and remembered that the social worker would be calling today, and then yesterday came back, where my mom couldn't seem to summon enough strength to draw liquid up into the straw, and where she got angry with me for trying to get her to drink even one swallow of liquid....and how she slumps over in her wheelchair, and how I'm having a harder time understanding her, and she's having a harder time finding any words at all.....and my heart started pounding and I got all scared again.....I wanted to go back to sleep, but of course I had to go to work and even if I could have stayed home, with my heart pounding like that, chances are, I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyhow.....

And then I realize:  I've been "taking care of" my mom for over 20 years, since my dad passed away from lung cancer in 1987.  At that time, my mom's entire life was my dad and us kids (my brother and me), and in addition, my mom never learned to drive, so she mostly depended on the city bus and my dad for transportaton......but my brother and I were both young adults by then, and we "flew the nest" shortly after that....so my mom ended up pretty isolated and started drowning her sorrows in beer (she had never ever had a drinking issue before my dad passed).  I tried to get her to try new things, but (as was to become the story of my life for the next 25(?) years) she refused to try new things unless I went with her.  So I got her to join my bowling league, even though she had never bowled before.  I made sure we got out to eat, went to places where she wouldn't go otherwise...one year we went to Duluth and stayed overnight because she said she hadn't been there in years......and I took her to the casino, I even took the "seniors bus" with her to the casino, hoping that she would decide to do it herself once in a while....but really....she never did take much initiative to try new things on her own....maybe it's just her generation, or her personality, I don't know....

But the same thing continued even when she moved to the assisted living facility, because even though they had a lot of activities and stuff, she was afraid to try them without me.  So I attended the sing-a-longs, exercise classes, and went along on the assisted living bus to go shopping (once again hoping she could do it herself, but she never could) and attended all the special celebrations they had there.....and when my mom transitioned to the nursing home, she wouldn't go to the church services without me.  I still go to "church" at the nursing home every Sunday, although in the last few weeks, it's been about a 50/50 chance of her being alert enough to go.....and now, it's ice cream.  It's the same but different.  I get to the nursing home every night at about 7pm (that's when I get back from work) and at 7:30 the staff brings around snacks.  Although the rest of the world can see that I'm overweight, my mom has consistently been convinced that I don't eat enough, so she wants me to eat ice cream (the nursing home serves ice cream in little 4 oz cups).  And she will only eat ice cream herself if she thinks she is doing it in order to get ME to eat some.  So every night for the past few months, we've had ice cream together.  Even now that she's been needing me to feed it to her, she still won't eat it unless she's convinced that I've got some too, and that I'm going to be eating it if she eats hers.  Yesterday the ice cream was the only thing she ate or drank.  And she refused nearly all of her pills, too.  Unfortunately, this "I'll eat it if you'll eat it" only seems to work with ice cream, not supper :-(

My point, I guess, is that I've been "taking care" of my mom for so very long....I truly have no idea of how my life would be if she was gone.  I have planned so much around my being there for her, I'm already starting to feel lost....even on the days when I get up after 3 or 4 hours of sleep so that I can go to "church" with her, I feel a sad disappointment when she isn't awake enough to go....

And there's the other side, too....my mom's been "taking care" of me (of course), for years, too.  When her Alzheimer's was yet just some "eccentricities" and not yet truly apparent, she would walk to a local dollar store and buy me bags and bags of food from the dollar store.  Way more than even a family of 8 could eat, even if they didn't eat anything else ever....but she would do it all the time, because she was concerned that I wasn't eating enough.....and she would get very hurt if I tried to tell her I already had plenty....and she would call me every night just to say hi.....when I think of all the times I really didn't have much to say, or was too busy to take the time to have a real conversation, it kills me, because I would give anything for just one more phone call......

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.  Before my mom got it, I thought Alzheimer's was just a disease where people couldn't remember stuff....kind of like an old person's amnesia....and every time my mom has moved to a different stage, there's been grieving involved....now it looks like she's running out of stages...

Well, like I thought....

My mom's cat has cancer and the tumor is causing his abdomen to fill with fluid.  They don't recommend draining it, because they say it would just come back in a day or two....

Once again, I'm not quite sure how to handle it.  My brother is not helping.  I'm faced with a lot of "options" and none of them are ideal.

1) Do I tell my mom her cat is dying?  I believe it's good to be honest, but I'm also afraid that she may become more depressed on hearing this news.  I don't want her to decide that "life's not worth living" any more.  But I'd rather tell her.

2) Do I bring the cat for a visit?  A few days ago I did bring him to the nursing home, and except for the fact that he really didn't do a lot of walking around, he acted "normal".  She enjoyed the visit and didn't want the cat (or me) to leave.  But the next day, I reminded her to tell my brother, when we called him on the phone, that she'd seen her cat, she didn't really sound too excited about it.....then today, the first thing she said to me, even before "Hi" was "How's Thor doing?"  I'd like my mom to be able to spend a few more moments with him before he goes.  But......I also don't want her to be expecting him to come every so often and then he just suddenly stops coming.

A caveat to this is that when my mom moved into the assisted living apartment, she had to give up her elderly dog (he came to live with us, too).  About 3 weeks later (and this was when DH was having his HUGE mental health issues), DH figured the dog had been at our house long enough to where he should be able to be "off-leash" (not chained up, but loose--remember, we live in the country and that is "normal" for most dogs).  Anyhow, he let my mom's dog off the leash, not realizing that the dog had some sort of dementia, too, and the little poodle mix took off down the road.  DH couldn't find him at all.  I spent about 6 hours looking for him, and finally found him running up the road.  From what I could tell, he had been running for a very long time.  But other than that, he seemed ok, and I was so relieved that I found him....brought him home, made sure he had food and water.....and the next day he was dead.  Since he didn't even get to visit my mom before he died, and my mom was a lot more "with it" back then, I kept lying about how he was "doing fine" etc....and when she came over, I'd talk about how he'd heard some gunshots and was hiding under the bed....I (of course) never brought up visits after that, and just let my mom think that I never really thought of it.....it HUGELY stressed me out to lie like that, but I didn't want her to think that I/we didn't take good care of her beloved dog.....eventually I did tell her that the dog had died, but I never told her the truth about what happened.....Now....I'm in a similar situation.  My mom has only been "officially" in the nursing home for about a month.  And here I go again, one of her pets, that is in my care, is going to be dead soon again.  Lots of thoughts and feelings related to that.

3) Today I think that the worst thing about loving a person with Alzheimer's is that you are responsible for every single decision in their life, and making the wrong decision could have dire consequences.  At the very least, every decision has the potential to be fraught with guilt.

I've been busy and busier....

I really wish there was some way I could transpose my thoughts (not all of them of course) directly to this blog without actually typing--I've been thinking about so many things I need to share with you all and I just haven't seemed to have time to actually follow through :-(

I'm not sure that any of this will be in any semblance of order, so if something seems chronologically out of whack, it's probably because I'm just spewing thoughts....

Anyhow.....I got a "new to me" car--to replace my little red Corolla that didn't make it through the deer encounter....I'm not sure if I told you or not, that the insurance company only gave me about $4000 for my car--it was a 2004, but it had 275,000 miles on it (from that darned long commute to the job that no longer exists), so they took about $3000 off for that high mileage.

So DH and I went car shopping.  Several times.  And I learned that it's really really hard to find used Toyotas.  And it's even harder to find used Toyotas that cost less than $5000.  Apparently, people tend to drive them until they drop, or until they hit deer.  So I went online and found a total of about three Corollas within a hundred miles that were in the right price range AND 2003 or newer.  It became obvious that I was going to have to "settle".  DH and I went to a nearby "big town" and went to pretty much every car lot there.  We test drove a couple of older Toyotas and a 2005 Kia Rio.  I liked it (the Kia), but I hadn't done any research on how reliable it is/was, so decided to stick to the Toyota plan until further notice.  It sounds like I made the right call there, based on what I could find online.

The next day, after finding a used car dealer that advertised several used (but older--sigh) Toyotas online, we drove to that place, about 120 miles away from home.  And drove about 10 Toyotas, from a 1991 to a 2002.  A lot of them were really junky.  Especially the "really old" ones.  But we wound up buying a baby blue 1997 Toyota Camry XLE, which is the top-of-the-line Camry.  Fully loaded, leather seats, power sunroof, etc.  Everything works except the dash light for the tachometer.  Rides like a limo.  The mechanic (who we didn't know but figured was better than nothing) we brought it to (on short notice) said he didn't see any obvious reasons why we shouldn't buy it.  So we/I did.  It's a lot bigger than my Corolla, which means that it'll get a lot worse gas mileage (and the 6 cylinder engine isn't going to help either) but I really want/need the reliability (hopefully) of a Toyota, because I'd rather spend a little extra consistently on gas than have huge unexpected repair bills every time I turn around.....anyhow, if you picture this car in baby blue, that's exactly what it looks like (I'd have taken a picture of the actual car, but it's dark out and I don't want to wait!)

I'm still really scared that it's gonna break down any minute.  The inside is so clean, I can't believe anyone ever drove it....and it's by far the most luxurious car I've ever owned.  I actually test drove it three times to make sure I wasn't being swayed by the luxury.  But compared to the other Toyotas I drove, even the 2002, it seemed a lot less worn (I hope!).  I'm glad that's over with.

One of the main reasons I haven't posted this past week is that we've been working on clearing out my mom's assisted living apartment.  It's been a lot more emotional than I anticipated.  Every time I've been over there I've ended up sobbing--even DH, who's "a man who's not supposed to cry" (according to him) broke down when he saw that they had taken her name off of the door.  I know it's been really hard on him, too.  But he's trying to be strong for me.  He's really been a help, although he's been somewhat stubborn about his ideas--one night he wanted to start moving furniture at 9:30pm, and when I said that we should wait until morning, he argued with me and sulked for the rest of the night...but he got up in the morning and moved furniture and it all worked out....anyhow....I'm not sure if we were supposed to have everything out today (7/31) or if it matters, but there are still a few boxes in the apartment and I still need to vacuum the floor and clean the oven...so I'm hoping nobody will care if I finish up on Sunday....it'll feel good to be done with that, too--then I can concentrate on just visiting with my mom.

And my mom's cat.  He's at our house right now, in DD's bedroom, because he's about 16 years old and I was worried that he might not adjust well to a house full of animals....he's been doing ok, I guess, eating and drinking....but.....today I decided to bring him to visit my mom in the nursing home, and I noticed that his meow had changed.  In my experience that is never a good thing.  I observed (and I may have mentioned this before) that his belly is very very large, but you can feel his bones.  It doesn't appear that he's jaundiced (which would explain the large belly [ascites

DD is still having a tough time at her residential treatment facility.  She's had to be physically restrained twice this past week, and she had a big tantrum in the therapist's office when the therapist informed her that due to her behavior, she would not be allowed to go off grounds with DH and I to shop or go out to eat.  And then there are her bio relatives, who, in the 9 years that DD has lived with us, despite our continued urging, have never called her to go out for ice cream, never called her to say hi, never called us to ask how she's doing....now that they've learned that DD is in this new setting, are demanding to visit her there, and accusing us of "keeping her from them".  Argh.  I need to keep biting my tongue.  The therapist says DD is too unstable at the moment to have visits from bio family members.  So I've been telling them to call the therapist.  But it's still stressful!

So that's pretty much what I remember about what's been going on this past week or two--oh--and I have a job interview on Aug. 9.  Oh--and did I tell you (probably not) that I found out that because my job went overseas I could go to school for whatever I want (as long as it's in demand) including a Masters degree if I wanted to and they would continue to pay me unemployment for the entire time I was in school????  I'm kind of leaning towards getting some sort of computer certification that would result in a better job (hopefully).  If DH keeps working (and I know that's a big "if"), it would be doable.  So if I were to take something that required one year of schooling at a local Vo-Tech, and if DH could hold out for a year or so, then when I got done with school, even if DH couldn't keep working, I could go back to making similar money to what I was making at my corporate job before I got laid off.  Some things to think about, for sure!

Transitions

It's going to be a month of changes and adjustments, for sure.

We had the 2-week meeting (halfway through DD's assessment period) at the treatment center where she is right now, and it sounds like she is acting out more than she was at home. I'm not really surprised, because she has more interaction with kids her age there, and that is one of the problems she has (getting along with peers). Anyhow, based on their preliminary observations (and these have not been made final yet, but they sound pretty authoritative), they are recommending a longer-term period of residential treatment (6-9 months). That would pretty much bring her up to where she turns 18. Part of me was hoping that she wouldn't come home until she was stable, but I think there is/was part of me that didn't want to hear this, either.

On the one side, I'm glad I don't have to deal with the "crap"--the defiance, the tantrums, the violence--I'm glad it'll be someone else. But I'm sad for her, sad that she's (in some sense anyhow) losing the most permanent home she's ever had, sad that we couldn't do more for her, wishing things in our family had been a little different....and I think I'm still kind of grieving the fact that she will not be living independently "when she grows up". Sigh.

Oh. And as soon as they learned that DD is "there", a bunch of bio relatives (like her bio grandma, and bio aunts) (who could have made important impressions on DD had they ever, even one time, taken up our invitation to give her a call, take her out for lunch, etc.) now have decided that after 9 years of only seeing her on Christmas and a couple of other bio family get-togethers, they want to contact her. I'm not making any friends on that side of town, however, because I think right now is not the time for them to be cultivating relationships with her (maybe that's wrong, but in all the time she was with us, they never cared at all), so they are not on the "ok to contact" list for DD at this time. And that kind of tears me up, too. I don't know what the right thing to do is, but I think I need to talk to her therapist(s) and see if they feel that the sudden interest in DD will be beneficial to her or just plain confusing.

And my mom, of course. It's been decided that she probably won't be able to return to the assisted living apartment. I'm so sad about that. We haven't told her yet, and hopefully won't. Right now she's in "rehab" (where she gets physical therapy etc., in hopes of getting her strengths and abilities back to where they were prior to this episode), and we are going to have her moved next week into the long-term section of the building. But we are going to continue to refer to it as "rehab", because I'm deathly afraid that if we tell her she isn't going back to her apartment, it will break her heart and she will lose her will to live. We're going to hang on to the apartment for an extra month, in case something amazing happens and she can go back there. I've looked at rooms, and had to decide if we would/could spend $600 extra per month so that she can have a private room. Yikes, that's a huge amount of money, as is everything related to a nursing home. But the only roommate available at the time was a lady in end-stage dementia, who basically lays in bed all day, hooked up to some kind of machine, does not walk, talk, or move much. I worried that my mom would know that lady wasn't there for "rehab", and not only that, it would be pretty depressing, so we are going to move her into the private room, and then in a month or two, when a more suitable roommate is available, we'll go that route. She's got enough money to last about a year and a half (if we only do the private room for a couple of months). After that, we'll have to consider Medical Assistance.

And her cat. Her elderly cat. He's got kidney failure, but has an amazing personality and seems pretty healthy for a 16(?) year old cat. My mom will miss him so!!! I guess, since nobody else wants him, he'll come to stay at our house. And I'm worried about that, too, because he is declawed and elderly and has been an "only" cat for so long. My cats are not declawed, although I do trim their nails every week or two...I'm worried that he might not fit in, he might get picked on....it might not be a happy place for him--in fact, I'm 95% sure that it won't be a very good home for him. But what else can I do? I can't justify to myself having him put to sleep--he's got no real reason(s) for that yet. He's active, playful, friendly, uses the litter box well, I just can't put him down. So it'll have to be a slow and cautious transition.

There's so much going on. So many moves, so many changes. I'm relieved and worried and grieving and hopeful and hopeless....I'm a mess.

Feeling sad about my mom....

So it looks like she'll be moving to the nursing home permanently, unless something changes in the next couple of weeks. She has been in the rehab unit of this nursing home several times (it's the one that's attached to her assisted living facility), so we are familiar with the NH and the workers and the residents. And I take my mom to the church services there every Sunday. But some of her stays in the rehab unit were during times when she was hallucinating and disruptive, and she was so angry about being there....then sad.....it's been a miracle that she keeps recovering enough to go back to her apartment.

But realistically, I can see that of her neighbors in the assisted living facility, my mom is one of the lower functioning folks. Even before this happened with the recent confusion. It's not realistic to imagine my mom coming to our house, as we'd have to remodel to be able to bathe her, etc...I just can't imagine how we could make it work and not do more harm than good.

So intellectually, I know that the nursing home is the "rightest" thing that we are able to do....but I am feeling not just guilt, but grief. Big grief. Grief that I can't help her more. Grief that things are getting worse. Grief that her world is getting smaller again....and that I may not have done enough for her, or done it right. I feel with this transition that is probably imminent, a person has died. It's the "mom that lived in the assisted living apartment", of course, if she goes to a nursing home, then that mom (the one that lives in the assisted living apartment) is gone forever. And I'm having such a trouble with that, in some weird way, I feel like by agreeing that she needs to move to an NH, I'm somehow killing that "mom that lives in the ALF". Does that make sense? I've never put it into words before. I'm so sad that this is happening, and I feel so helpless, like no matter what I do, it won't be right...

Just when you think you've heard it all

Well, to start out with things, my mom is back in the hospital. The geri-psych one, the one that did such good stuff last fall. My mom couldn't find her bathroom in her apartment again, and was not able to recognize her cat. She was not able to complete the process of using the bathroom (i.e., pull down pants, sit on toilet, wipe, etc.) I'm not nearly as confident this time, as it sounds like the doctor is kind of leaning towards "natural progression". If that's the case, my mom will probably have to move soon. That's a scary and intimidating possibility.

The nursing home is attached to her assisted living apartment(s) and is 4 miles away from my house. But it really doesn't strike me as all that compassionate, and they prescribed non-dementia-friendly medications last time my mom stayed there. Plus it's about $6,000 a month. And the money is definitely a potential issue. At that rate, her money will only barely last a year. Then there's the memory care assisted living 35 miles away. Much more knowledgeable, more compassionate, and only about $5,000 a month. But much farther away. And I just found out that there is a new "memory care" assisted living opening up in our town in August. Probably expensive, because it's new, and I don't know anything at all about it yet. None of these are optimal. So I'm mildly fretting about that, but trying hard not to put the cart before the horse....

But then....of course....DD is still hugely unstable too. Her psychologist has advised us to forego rules/consequences for now because she cannot make rational decisions right now. All we are supposed to do is concentrate on keeping her safe. So today I got home from visiting my mom in the hospital and DD comes up to my car and says "Mom, I ate some of your Weight Watchers stuff." (I buy Weight Watchers food on occasion--it's more like wishful thinking, LOL--but since DD just polished off an entire box of cereal in less than 24 hours, she has been instructed not to touch the expensive Weight Watchers stuff unless she decides to limit her caloric intake.)

I said, "Ok, well, that's the way things go sometimes...." and probably wouldn't have said anything different even if DD was stable. But she wouldn't let it go. "Aren't you going to give me a consequence?"

Me: No.

DD: But I took something that was yours. That was stealing.

Me: (in my head) Ok, that was today. What about the other 800,000 times you did something like this and had a tantrum when I pointed out that the rule is "If it isn't yours, or if you aren't sure, ask before you take it or use it."

Me: (out loud) Well, not that big of a deal.

DD: (raising her voice) YES IT IS A BIG DEAL!!!!

Me: We can talk about this when you are calmer.

DD: I AM CALM!!!!! AREN'T YOU EVEN GOING TO GIVE ME A CONSEQUENCE????

Me: No.

DD: I STOLE FROM YOU AND YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO DO ANYTHING??????

Me: That's right.

Me: If you want a consequence, just let it be the guilt you're feeling.

DD: I DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!!!

Me: Ok, then.

DD: Give me a punishment!!!!!

Me: Maybe later.

DD: (in my face) YOU HAVE TO BE A MOM, THAT'S WHAT MOMS DO. YOU HAVE TO BE A MOM RIGHT NOW!!!!

Me: Um...no I don't.

DD: (in dramatic disbelief) What???!!!!! What???!!!

DD: So you really don't want me. I knew it!!!! (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door and starts screaming at the top of her lungs) (then starts slamming her body against the bathroom door) (really hard).

Me: (to myself, in my head) This is the absolute dumbest argument I've ever had.

DD: Ahhhhh (still screaming) (and hitting the door)

Suddenly, DD realized that all of her door hitting has caused the door to be damaged and now she can't get out of the bathroom. She started screaming for someone to let her out. By this time I wasn't in the best mood (as you might have guessed) and DH was trying to sleep. I told her that she had made the decision to damage the door. And I didn't let her out. (All of this took place in about a minute's time). DH woke up when she started screaming for him. At first he started laughing because it was so stupid, but then he got really angry and told her he'd open the door, but only if she wasn't going to do that any more. So he opened the door. SLAM!!!! Back shut, more pounding. Door itself is now broken. She is still screaming. I told DH to go to work, since he's so new to his job it wouldn't be good for him to miss work on a busy weekend night....and DD started screaming "BOTH OF YOU GO!!!! JUST MAKE SURE THE SHED (that's where DH keeps the one remaining gun that he hasn't pawned yet)IS LOCKED!!!!"

At that point, I told DH that he could call 911, and he did. The sheriff's deputy came out and an ambulance. I was really upset (of course). This is the first time ever that we've had to call for help with DD. Of course, when she realized that we really did call 911, she calmed right down. What that means, I'm afraid to venture a guess....When it was all said and done, I was 5 hours late for work, and that wasn't good (luckily, of course, I've been there for quite some time, so they know that if something like that happens, things must really be bad....) and DD has been re-hospitalized. Of course it's two hours away from home.....

When it rains, it really pours, doesn't it????

Famous last words.

Me, to DD's psychologist: I have been so incredibly lucky that with three people in my life who need huge amounts of help, they only seem to get unstable one at a time.

Why on earth would I say something stupid like that?????

You all know what happens when you say something like that....

DD is still very unstable. We had a meeting at the school so that the teachers could be aware of the situation. DD gets snotty and disrespectful every time I say something that isn't exactly what she wants. We are waiting to find out when our appointment is (for her to be re-evaluated for FASD). I honestly have no idea what is going on.

I did (fortunately or unfortunately) talk with one of my fellow Census workers (I think I told you I was going to be a part-time temporary Census worker?) who has an adopted son who is now 23 and living in a group home. His story (starting at about the time when his son hit age 16) sounded eerily like DD's. Tantrums, drama, and violence. On one hand, I felt good after talking with him, because I knew that what has been happening with DD probably has more to do with her (and her biology etc) than it does with us....but it made me sad and scared for the future, too. I guess I'm still grieving the fact that she will probably never grow up and be on her own. It's been tough for me to let go of that, no matter how much I fantasize about her not being in our house any more.

But wait!!! There's more!!!!
My mom is getting confused again. It's not a UTI (test was negative). Blood work at Dr.'s was all negative, too, so it could possibly be a "natural progression". She's having trouble following directions. Even simple ones. The other night I got to her apartment and she was in the bathroom. She couldn't remember how to wipe. Since she had just gone #1, I instructed her to wipe between her legs. So she started to wipe her ankles. I said "No, you've gotta wipe much higher than that." So she started to wipe her outer thigh. Then she said, "My arms are getting shorter. I can't reach to wipe any more." It made me so sad.

When we went to the doctor, we brought paperwork with us, just like usual. It has a list of her medications, her diagnoses, recent observations, etc. We've been bringing the paperwork to the doctor's office since she moved into her assisted living apartment 4 1/2 years ago. It's very much a routine. But this time, she was extremely worried about the papers, and kept asking me what was written on there about her. She told me it was "pointless" to bring those with us. She started to get angry.

We made it to the doctor's office, but they couldn't find anything wrong.

Then later that night, she decided to fill her cat's water dish. Her cat has one of those heavy self-waterers--it holds about a gallon of water and lets a small amount of water flow into the dish as needed--it was bought so that my mom would NOT try to fill it. So she (about a year ago) put out one of her porcelain dishes for cat water, so that she could fill it. I tried "helping" that bowl to disappear, because I could see what was going to happen eventually, but she always got frustrated and anxious when I did that, so finally, despite my knowing better, I let it stay.

She fell. She was filling that stupid porcelain water bowl. It broke all over. Luckily, my mom didn't break anything. She didn't even have a bruise. But it could have been terrible. I was glad the bowl was finally gone. Little did I know she would almost immediately find a "replacement bowl" in her cupboard. Argh.

Right now I don't know really how bad things are. I'm hoping it's just a "few bad days" in a row, and they'll go away and "normal" will be back.

Alzheimer's sucks.

Almost afraid to post!

Things have been amazingly good (with my mom, anyhow). I don't know if it's a matter of the old medications getting out of her system, or the new medications taking effect, but the difference has been nothing short of miraculous! She's been remembering things that she hasn't known for over a year. She's not getting lost in her apartment. She's having ZERO incontinence problems. And she's laughing and singing. Amazing. She's still in her apartment. We are not staying with her any more. She didn't need us, she was doing everything by herself, and what she needed help with, the "helpers" had no problems with.

Thor's girlfriend seems to be gone. Sometimes my mom is still a little confused, but nowhere as bad as she was. She called my brother "what's-his-name" today (grin). But she is, for the most part, making sense, and doing better than she has in months. So the move to the memory care facility is on hold, no pressing need at the moment. I keep waiting for this to "crash", for the "honeymoon" to be over, but so far it's been great. She even remembers what she had for breakfast--"An apple turnover" as opposed to "some kind of roll". Wow.


On the other hand, I got pretty angry with DH. He was bringing DD (and her bio mo) to the movie theater in town. That's one of the things we allow them to do without us supervising, because it has a "start" and an "end". This time, however, nobody realized until they got to the theater, that the movie was rated "R". (The movie theater in our town only has one screen, so it's "take it or leave it" when you go to see a movie.) DD begged. And begged some more. She (and DH) know very well that we don't allow her to see "R" movies. She's so impressionable, we don't want her to think that life is really like that (full of sex and violence) (even though it is, to a certain extent, if she believes that it's ok, she'll be more likely to try to imitate)...DH let her go.

I haven't been so angry in years. I slammed cupboards, slammed doors, Didn't talk to him for two days. He knows better. But he took the "lazy" way out. He didn't feel like dealing with one of DD's tantrums, so he just let her do whatever. I'm still angry, thinking about it. Really angry. He's been helping out so much with my mom, but in other areas, the laziness is just taking over. He can't take three steps on the deck to put his cigarette butt in the ash tray, so there are cigarette butts all over the ground. The trash can that we put our aluminum cans in is full, so instead of emptying it into a trash bag and starting over, he throws his cans on the ground. And the dogs. Buffy, is a full-blooded collie. And she's a bur magnet. She doesn't go too far away from the house, but every time she is given any freedom, she comes back covered in burs. And I don't have time to groom her every day. But DH is too lazy to walk outside and put her on the leash, it's so much easier (for him) to just open up the door and let her go.

I'm sick of the laziness. Really. DD does more work around our house than he does, and that's not saying much. I've started speaking to him again, but mostly because Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I don't want to ruin it by being mad. (But I still am, LOL). I figure I'll wait until after Thanksgiving to bring up the laziness.

But really....except for keeping an eye on my mom, I really don't ask much of him at all.....

Thank goodness, I think.

We/I finally found the owner of the dog. He was two miles away from home when I found him....they were sure he had been shot by a deer hunter...I hope they keep him closer to home from now on....DH will miss the dog, and actually, so will I--there's something about an older dog that's already "broken in"--you don't have to teach it all the doggie-manners that you have to teach a younger dog...but....we do have five other dogs that need attention, too....and most of them are already "broken in" too :-)

My mom is, apparently, being discharged from the geri-psych unit tomorrow. So right now, the tentative plan is to bring her back to her apartment, and see how things go until Monday or Tuesday and at that point decide if she'll be moving. I did look at the dementia/memory care assisted living, and I do believe that it's what my mom really needs. But, of course, it's not that cut and dried, because it's quite a bit more expensive than where she has been living. Her current apartment with services is about $3,000 a month (not a typo, for those of you who have never had a parent in a "facility"). The demential care assisted living would run about $5,000 a month. That's quite a difference. My mom is not rich. Her funds consist of social security and the money she got when we sold her modest house (we sold it for about $160,000). So it will run out. And since we don't have an "official" plan in place as far as my mom moving yet, it seems like we should give it the old "schoolyard try" and see if she can make it for another couple of months before she moves. I'm rather doubtful. And I'm a little bit more comfortable with the idea of her moving, now that I've seen where she would probably be going. It's a pretty nice place, a lot newer than where she lives now, and LOCKED. She would have more attention there than she does (from the aides) at her apartment right now. But she would have to give up her cat. I'm not sure how big of a deal that would be for her. Sometimes I don't think she'd notice much, and sometimes I think she really depends on him. I guess we'll have to see what happens.

Oh--and yes, I'm stressed out about all this. I wasn't ready for my mom to come home yet. I wish she could stay there for another month. It's so nice to know that she's someplace where they know what she really needs....now comes the hardest part, I guess, seeing if she can handle her apartment for a few more months or not....luckily, if she does end up moving, the weather is still pretty nice....

And DD. I don't know how I'm going to make it three more years with this crap. Let's see....yesterday she threatened another kid at school and the kid's parents called us. DH told them that it was ok for them to call the school--that maybe they could do something. DH was, I could tell, on the brink of a mood swing, so I told him not to even bring it up with DD, because if they both have short fuses, there's no telling what could happen....

So then today the school called and DD had apparently written or copied some kind of poem about "I want to die" and something about school. It was about two years ago that she told a bunch of kids at school that she had a "hit list" and that they were all on it, so the school takes things rather seriously. Apparently when DD was confronted by a teacher (or an administrator, I don't know which one) regarding the poem, she had a tantrum there in school. And refused to go to the EBD room to calm herself down. So they called us about that. I was visiting my mom at the time.

So apparently then she got home and had a tantrum because she didn't want to do her chores. And so DH had said "Ok, then I'll do them." And she just flew into another rage. DH was so mad that he was yelling at me when he was telling me this stuff. I'm just so sick of all of it. I'm sick of DH's drama and DD's drama. I've got enough real-life drama, and I wish they'd both just shut up.

It's three more years until DD graduates if she manages to stay out of jail until then. I have no idea how I'm going to do it.

Craziness. Pure and simple. And oh, the guilt....

My mom. Last time I posted, I was telling you about her cat's girlfriend, who "went out and got pregnant by someone else." Well, when the aides went to give my mom her medications, my mom started yelling that she "wasn't taking anything from her, that tramp, I want her out of here!!!!!!!!" And nobody could get her to calm down until the aide left. They tried a few hours later, with a different aide, and she (the aide) was also "a tramp, hurting Thor like that, get out of my house!" Very alarming.

So after weighing all the options, and realizing there really weren't a lot of options any more, I decided that we should go to the geriatric psychiatric hospital about an hour away from our town. My brother agreed, and so I brought my mom there yesterday afternoon. I know that even if all the other weirdness gets cleared up, she'll probably still lose ground there, but things just couldn't go on the way they were--they were really, unfortunately, only getting worse.

So my mom was admitted and so far has not had too much confusion there. But it could be just too early for that. Today I visited her, and she seemed about the same, with a little more sadness thrown in. She's still very upset with "the girlfriend", I guess, and I guess the aides in the hospital ran up against the same thing as the assisted living aides did ("get out, you tramp!"). I forgot to ask how they eventually got her to take her meds.

They also told me that she needs a lot of "cueing". In other words, they have to instruct her on everything. They can't just help her to the bathroom and say "I'll wait outside. Just give me a holler when you're done." They have to tell her each step of the process (I won't share the process with you, I'm sure you know what to do) as if she has never been in a bathroom before. That's kind of what was going on at home, too. And the assisted living just isn't equipped for that kind of constant care. So DH and I were doing it, in hopes that things would improve, but they weren't. So basically, unless the psychiatrist(s) figure out what the problem is, she probably won't be able to stay in her apartment.

When I think about that, part of me is relieved. She needs so much, and it would be so nice to know that she was having all of her needs met in a safe place. But also, you hear so many bad things about nursing homes, etc., and when she was in the nursing home in June, it was "adequate" and the staff were caring, but I felt like if I wasn't there, a lot of things wouldn't get done or would get done incorrectly. I need to visit some more facilities, I know I do. But I had planned on doing that last week, and when it came down to it, I got a HUGE case of "head-in-the-sand-itis". I didn't want to think about my mom needing to move to a nursing home. So if I didn't think about it, well, you know....it wouldn't happen, right? (I know how stupid that is/was, and I recognized it that day, but I just couldn't bring myself to go and do that. Now I think I'll need to get on the ball.

I know I just need to be patient, too. She has only been there about 24 hours now, and that certainly isn't enough time to effect changes, so I really just need to trust them and hope for the best.

Update

DH just called and told me that every time my mom would hear a sound in her apartment, she would start screaming about Thor's girlfriend being back. DH "chased her away" several times, but my mom apparently was so upset that "that cat broke Thor's heart, she's indecent and shouldn't be allowed here!" that she just couldn't calm down. The aides finally came in and gave her a PRN Xanax (that's the only PRN my mom has for anxiety) and she just fell asleep.

Thank God for the angels that work at the assisted living facility. And thank God for DH.

Things are just so weird all of a sudden.

Cats and craziness (or...I'm scared still/again)

Last night I got to stay with my mom in her apartment. And I dared to get hopeful. Nothing she said was weird, she didn't come out into the living room to find the bathroom, and she fell back asleep after the aide came in to remind her to go to the bathroom....I started thinking "maybe the antibiotics are helping!" HaHa. I know better than that, don't I....really.....?

Remember from Nov. 7, the post about my mom's cat's girlfriend? (Just in case you don't, you might want to click and read up on her).....

Anyhow, DH went to stay with her tonite (I'm working, as usual), and she was angry with someone. He asked her who she was talking to, and she said, "Thor's girlfriend. I want her to leave. She did a shameful thing and went and got pregnant. I don't want her here any more." "But I told her to leave and she won't go."

So DH (bless his heart) told her that he thought the girlfriend had already left, because he thought he heard Thor tell her to "get out, he didn't want her around any more." So my mom had him check the apartment to "make sure she was really gone" (and of course she was)....and then she went to bed. At that point, DH called to update me.

About 10 minutes later, he called me at work, in a whisper and asked me to call the "helpers" (aides) on their cell phone and have them go to the apartment because my mom needed "an anxiety pill or something, right away". So I called, the aide said she was on her way, and I haven't heard anything since.

I'm scared again. Freaky crazy scared. I don't know if I should head home, or if it's under control. It's 2 hours to get home. So do I take 6 hours of vacation for this? Or save it in case I need it for something even more alarming/serious? I don't know.....I just hate it. Tonite I was fantasizing about my mom being in a nursing home, because I/we could get some semblance of a family life back....and then I felt instant guilt, because I still feel that this is not a "natural progression"....

And....to top it off, "That Guy" has been making very brief appearances. I'm sure at least part of that is due to the crazy sleep schedule he's now on, from staying with my mom....but I can't, I just can't have him get unstable too.....he swears he's been taking his meds...all I can think of is this crazy schedule is wearing on him.....I didn't call the doctor yesterday because I was thinking things might be improving....then tonite I asked DH if he thought I should call the doctor, and DH said we could make it until Thursday....I don't know.....I wish I knew what was going on....I'll give you an update as soon as I know....


P.S. To those of you who have been following this blog because it is a blog about bipolar, I apologize--it seems that right now it is more a blog about my mom's dementia, and I know some people aren't probably very interested in that. I'm glad that DH is stable enough where the dementia is first/foremost in my thoughts....and I hope things stabilize soon....

Making things more difficult than they are

Today I'm obsessing over my mom. Yesterday morning the assisted living facility called me, because my mom had asked the aide if she "had heard about Carol, she was in a terrible accident." Of course the aide said "no, oh--that's awful, was she hurt?" And my mom said "Worse." So they called to make sure I was still alive. It seems like every day there's something kooky.

I guess it's needless to say that we haven't seen any improvement yet. But I'm supposed to wait until Thursday to get back in touch with the Dr.

Yesterday, though, for some reason, my little brain became fixated on the likelihood that the Paxil could be to blame for this. I want to ask the doctor if we can try to taper off of the Paxil. And I want to call him right this minute. But, of course, I also want to give the current plan enough time to work....and I don't want to be telling the doctor what to do, either--if I was a doctor I would become resentful really quick if a patient or family member kept doing that....

So do I wait until Thursday, or call the doctor today? It's a tough call. I know I'll call the doctor today, of course--it's my mom and if we can take a stab at fixing something, why shouldn't we start sooner rather than later? But I guess I'll just worry about it for a while longer.

And speaking of worrying, I made some chicken nuggets and french fries for supper last night, and ever since I've been at work I've been worried that I didn't turn off the oven when I left. And DH is staying with my mom right now, and DD sleeps like a rock and wouldn't hear or answer the phone in the middle of the night. I'm not really so afraid of the oven being on for seven hours as I am worried about using that much of our very limited propane. Oh well, there's not much I can do about it now....I'll be home soon and hopefully I was just worrying for nothing....heck....pretty soon I might need Paxil myself!

Taking Pictures

I hope you all had a happy Halloween....DD was angry because we told her that 16 years old is too old to go trick or treating....I thought she was going to have another tantrum, but she just had a regular "mad". That was ok.

I'm still so worried about my mom. On Friday night, when I stayed with her, she didn't even need me at all. She slept, got up to use the bathroom when the "helpers" woke her up (I suggested they try that approach, so that she wouldn't get lost looking for the bathroom....and they were happy to give it a try....so far it seems to be a good thing)
And falling back to sleep. So Saturday night, I told DH (who is really helping out) that I really need him to take care of his own mental health, and that he could probably leave early if he thought things were ok. So he did, and things were "fine".

But today, I was thinking that it'd be nice to get out of the apartment for a while. So I asked my mom if she wanted to go out to eat, and she said yes and seemed happy about it. I gave her a choice of two of her favorite fast food places in town, and she picked one. So off we went. Just like usual. Except once we got in there, we were the only customers. The workers were (not surprisingly) all teenagers, and they were laughing and joking with each other. And the restaurant had their "muzak" on, too. My mom started to get upset because there were hundreds of people there. Nothing I could tell her reassured her, and so she did eat, but she was really bothered by the "crowd". And there couldn't have been less of a crowd. I can't remember the last time we were the ONLY customers. Ok, not a big deal....

So we got back into the car and I asked my mom if she wanted to go right home or if she wanted to go for a ride. Usually, back when things were more "normal", she always wanted to go for a ride. And she wanted to go for a ride this time, too. The sun was going down. We drove through town. My mom became upset about someone "taking pictures". I didn't know what she was seeing, so I just told her that "tourists" like to take pictures to show to their families. Then she got upset because she "didn't want anyone showing pictures of her", so I assured her that they only take pictures of the houses, not the people.

I started driving a little faster, and my mom started to panic. And then I realized what the "pictures" were....it was the sunlight shining through between the buildings as we drove by, making kind of a flashing effect. I couldn't stop it at all. She was very upset and telling me that it was terrible, dangerous....and I told her we'd go home right away. And she didn't want to, because she wanted to go for a ride. But she was breathing so fast and she was flinching every time we drove past another building, I just headed back to the apartment.

It really wasn't any more sad/crazy/shocking than anything else that's happened recently, but I guess it was just that we were going to do something that we've done hundreds of times before, and suddenly it was a bad thing, and not a good thing. Made me sad.

And then, my mom called me, asking if it was me that called her (because I guess she didn't get the phone in time). I told her it was probably my brother, and I reminded her of what to say to call him (on her voice activated phone dialer). We said goodbye and about 20 seconds later the phone rang again...."CArol? Was it you that called? Oh! Did I just talk to you?" Sigh.

I started second-guessing myself, thinking that maybe my mom is having more confusion when we mess with her routine. Like after the UTI when we went to my nephew's birthday party, and then after that the confusion got worse. And the last couple of nights, things weren't "great", but they were stable, and then I go and bring her out to eat, and she gets confused again.

That's one of the things that's so painful about this disease....it's all a bunch of guesses. I'm hoping that the doctor will have some idea in his bag of "tricks" that will help. I'm clinging to every hope, despite what my educated brain is telling me.

Oh, and I'm so grateful for DH's stability right now....I'd be completely lost without his help....he's been staying with my mom every night that I have to work...

Question for the day:

Is it better to consider having Mom placed in a nursing home 4 miles away from my house, that has relatively few services specific to dementia, but does have some familiar faces (of both employees and residents who used to live in the same assisted living where my mom lives now)...

Or is it better for her to be 45 minutes to an hour away from my house, in a place that has more specialized services for people with dementia, and more activities, etc.?

It's a tough call.

Right now I'm leaning towards keeping her close to me--I can stop by every day, give her a hug, etc....

But then I go back to--I don't have much time every day. So often she might end up just sitting there, doing nothing. Where in a dementia-specific place, there would be more activities that she could partake in, and a different atmosphere....?

The hardest thing

Last night, the assisted living staff found that my mom had wandered out of her apartment and into the lunchroom (dining room) of the facility, because she could not find the bathroom in her apartment. They found her on a chair in the lunchroom with her pants around her ankles. Luckily there was no accident....I guess...

I got so upset when I found out about this. To me this is a pretty terrible thing. Of course DH will stay with her while I work tonite...but...even so, it's a terrible thing. It quite possibly signifies an entirely different stage in the dementia game.

And I had to take DD to her therapist today, and (lucky us) DD was just as awful as she was the night she cut her wrist. She had (once again) decided that she was having a Halloween party on Friday (yep, day after tomorrow)....and when I said "no", and the therapist said that there was no way I could do that when I'm under so much stress, DD started swearing and screaming at the therapist. I'm glad it happened there, because now she (the therapist) will know exactly what's going on at home...) but the clincher of that was when DD yelled out "IT'S ALL GRANDMA'S FAULT!" I felt so sad, hurt, and angry....I just started crying right there in the therapist's office....and she was concerned...so concerned that she called me after we left to talk a little more....

I honestly feel so absolutely overwhelmed....I so much want to do the "right" thing for these people I take care of....

And you know they say "God never gives you more than you can handle" and "you've got an awful lot on your plate..."? I think I grabbed someone else's plate. And crumbs are falling off the plate all over the place.

The hardest thing is the not knowing. About my mom, that is....I know there is probably a nursing home in the future for her. Is it now? I don't know. I talked to the nurses who are in charge at the assisted living center, and while I was panicky, they were pretty calm (I imagine they see this fairly regularly, being in the line of work they're in....) They told me that right now all we need to do is keep an eye on my mom.....she has that appointment on Nov. 6, so if we can get to that, maybe the doctor will have some ideas.....or maybe she will stabilize(?) The nurses said "we just need to see if this is going to be a regular thing, or if it's just a fluke." That made me feel a little better. They're not going to just kick her out for one episode of troubling behavior.

I'm not even sure what I should be hoping for right now....I guess I've just got to trust the other people who know her and just keep an eye open in case....I don't want her to go to a nursing home. But if this confusion is going to be the "new normal", it won't matter where she's at any more. (But she got better over the weekend!!!!) (and now she's not better any more). Although today she seemed relatively normal (where yesterday she didn't know where her couch was....) I don't have any idea what to do.

I did, however, talk to my brother and we did come up with a sort-of plan....we (I/DH) are going to try to make it to Nov. 6. At that point, if the Dr. doesn't have any ideas and the confusion is still not ok, we will bring her to that new geriatric psych hospital about an hour away to see if they can improve things at all. (If she has to go somewhere anyhow, might as well start with that)....and then see what they recommend.

And DD's therapist also suggested that I contact Public Health and see if they can help me out a little. I don't really know what they do (Public Health), so I'm a little hesitant to get them involved....it might be another good idea, though....

I'm struggling

Well, DD is home, she came home on Sunday. I have to say that although I thought she was somewhat contrite, her attitude still sucks and I am still having a tough time coming to terms with this whole situation. The hospital recommended "family therapy" with a therapist that does not know me, DH, or DD, but in our rural area, there are only two therapists qualified for this type of therapy, and both are booked out to the end of November. So really, I guess, back to the same old thing.

And my mom. She seemed to be getting better, then yesterday she started to be more confused again. She didn't know who my brother was, didn't know where the bathroom was, told my brother she'd been "up walking around the apartment for hours", although she told him that she had just come back from supper....and it was more of the same today...so I spent the day at the clinic again, hoping that her UTI was back, because that is/was fixable. But nope. They couldn't find anything wrong. They checked her urine, a chest Xray, bloodwork, and an EKG and all came up normal. So what do I think?

I finally, for the very first time, allowed myself to think about the fact that it's probably time for her to move to a nursing home. There's no way she could live at my house, with DD so unstable and the house is only a 2 bedroom....and I work all the time....the nursing home is going to be the only choice. And if there is no medical reason for what we're seeing, well, she can't keep living where she's at. I keep trying to comfort myself by thinking that "if she's confused like this, chances are that the nursing home won't be that big of a change for her", but I'm wrong on that, I know that even if she can't verbalize it, it's not home and is going to suck. When I think about it, I get really really scared. And kind of relieved, too. And panicky. And sad. And guilty. And relieved.

We're going to try to wait a week and see what happens. She has a Dr. appt on Nov. 6, so we'll see what he has to say. I know we're very lucky that my mom has lived where she does for such a long time....the staff are so fond of her, and they don't want her to leave either, so they'll do whatever they can to keep her there....so I think that even if this next week is tough on them, they'll wait to see what the Dr. says....maybe he can change a med and make a difference....I sure hope so....

It's just getting to be too much. I don't have time to recuperate between crises any more. I'm so emotional, and I'm turning into this frustrated angry person I don't like very much. I think I'm starting to accept the fact that unless things stabilize soon, the options are limited.

I hate this. It's so much harder than the books make it out to be. I never imagined.

P.S. DH got his rejection letter from Social Security for his disability claim.

Calm after Crisis

I really don't want to be writing this. Every time I think about it, I feel a little funny and want to put it off, but really, there's nothing that dramatic going on....just me not wanting to think about this past week, that's all....

My mom....she is responding to the antibiotics and is starting to make sense. Last night she stayed in her apartment without DH or me staying with her, so that was good. It's not so good, though, that she's still having anxiety issues and is still thinking that she is covered with poop, or hair or whatever, when she very clearly isn't. She has an appointment with the Dr. on Nov. 7, so we'll see if maybe he can increase some of her anti-anxiety meds so that she isn't so worried.

DD.

Still in the psych hospital. I'm still angry with her, but I'm starting to calm down. This is the longest I've ever stayed angry with her. Tomorrow, though, we have a family counseling session at the hospital, so maybe we can work on some things there. Like I need another appointment to go to. (Yep, I'm resentful, too)....anyhow, we're doing that and I'll let you all know how it goes.

I read all your comments about this stuff and I wanted to just respond a little--I am starting to recognize that the hospitalization itself will be a good enough consequence for DD. She is missing out on her visit(s) with bio mom, which is what her tantrum was designed to avoid. Plus, she is missing my nephew's 3rd birthday party on Saturday. She loves my two nephews, and her favorite thing is to go over to their house and play with all their toys with them. So the fact that she is missing that because she did something stupid and can't leave the hospital, that's a natural consequence, too. So I'm feeling much less inclined to come up with any other consequences. Thanks everyone, you were right.

I guess what I need to say is that what it all boils down to is love. And maybe that's something that God wants me to learn. Loving someone isn't just taking the good times and handing the problem(s) off to someone else when it's not so fun any more....and that's the case with my mom, with DD, and, with DH, too. For me, there isn't any question of whether my mom goes into a nursing home, or DD goes into a group home or whatever.

The genuine truth of the matter is, that probably someday my mom will HAVE to go to a more skilled residence. But until that becomes the only option, I will do everything that is within my power to help her avoid that. She's been in her apartment for nearly four years now. No question about it, it's home to her. And her cat, which she'd have to give up if she moved. The staff at the assisted living feel confident that they can meet her needs (with a little help from the family), so I will do whatever I can to make sure that she has the best possible quality and quantity of life.

And probably DD will end up living in a residential group home after she finishes school. It's becoming more and more apparent that unless she gets some huge benefits from this hospitalization, she will not be able to live on her own without significant supports. But right now, I'm her mom, and my job is to keep her safe, teach her skills that will benefit her, and love her. Even when it's harder than I ever imagined. I can't tell you the number of people at work and elsewhere who told me this past week to "get rid of her, she'll be nothing but trouble" etc. Would they say that if she was my bio child? Based on some of the people who've said these kinds of things (relatives), I just don't think so. Because although I don't have bio children, I suspect that my love for her is pretty similar to that.

A lot of bad things happened when DH got sick. And I admit, I still kind of hold a grudge regarding some of those things. But I love him and have stuck it out this far. It's the same principle.

And isn't it sad that every family member that I love so much has a significant mental health issue? That's why I named this blog what I did, by the way....with DD, DH, my mom, and the people I work with at the group home(s), sometimes I wonder what a "normal" person is really like.....

I love my family. And I'm in it for the long haul. But I might complain a lot.

Remind me again why I did this?

As usual lately, it's been a tough week. As usual, crises in our house don't just happen one at a time after a long drought. (big sigh)

I'm furious. I know I have to come back to calm, but I don't believe I have ever in my life been this angry. And that's saying an awful lot.

The assisted living place where my mom lives called me early Saturday morning and told me that my mom had wandered out of her apartment, down the hall, and was found sitting on a bench in the hallway, in a soaking wet nightgown, and had no idea where she was at. The nurses wanted her to be checked again for a UTI, so I brought her in to the clinic and spent the morning there. We knew from last time we did this (not too long ago) that my mom would have a tough time providing a sample, so they used a catheter. I'm sorry if this is too much information, but I knew it was bad when I saw the cloudy urine that was in the tube the nurse was labeling. Sure enough, my mom has a bad UTI.

The doctor really wanted to admit her to the hospital for I.V. antibiotics. I explained that every time my mom is hospitalized, she becomes more confused, takes a step down cognitively, and never really bounces back. So is there any way at all that we could treat this without admitting her? The doctor was understanding, and said we could try, but someone would have to stay with her all the time until she started to think clearly again. I'm willing to do anything to keep her out of the hospital, so that was no problem at all. The doctor wrote out prescriptions for me to have filled in town, because we weren't sure if/when the delivery service that the assisted living uses would be able to deliver on a weekend. So DH was going to stay with my mom while I filled prescriptions and picked up some other things that she needed.

Unfortunately, this meant that DD's visit with her bio mom would have to be postponed. She did not like that idea, and decided to have one of her wonderful screaming-at-the-top-of-her-lungs tantrums. But DH was kind of mood-swingy and stressed about my mom himself, so he told her he didn't have time for her "crap" and he left to meet me at my mom's apartment.

As soon as he walked in, his cell phone rang (mine was in the car). She had decided to cut her damn wrists!!!!!! So I had to run home and deal with that. When I got there, it became VERY clear that this was attention-seeking at its worst. I've had worse paper cuts.

But they were bleeding. I told DD that this was absolutely the most selfish thing she had ever done in her life. I decided that in order to cover my you-know-what, I would have to bring her down to the hospital. They put a 72 hour hold on her and cent her to a mental health unit in the City. 2 hours away. And "a parent has to be there to sign the admission papers."

By this time she had figured out that it wasn't going to be fun, and she told me she felt better and could we just go home, and I told her "No, you did this. The doctor thinks that a kid who hurts their self like this needs to go to the hospital, and there's nothing I can do about it now." She got really contrite and started telling me how sorry she was. Huh.

So. After convincing the doctor that I really really needed to go and get the prescription filled for my mom while we waited for the ambulance to take DD to the City, I took a half hour to get that done. Then I quick ran home to potty dogs, and make sure food bowls weren't empty. And then I went back to the hospital.

After they left, I drove to the city to sign the stupid papers. I was three hours late to work (for which I won't get paid), plus out gas money AND parking money for the hospital. PLUS, at a time when my mom is having a health crisis, DH wound up having to stay with her, because he was too angry and stressed to deal with DD at all.

And I don't blame him. Today, I didn't call the hospital or go there. I am so angry with her, this stupid, childish, drama-stunt has done nothing but make me and DH much more stressed at an already very stressful time.

I talked to the psych nurse on Saturday night, and she was pretty firmly of the opinion that this was attention seeking behavior. So she was not suicidal (that was my suspicion all along). Just drama.

There is a "family meeting" at the mental hospital tomorrow. At that point, since she really is not suicidal, they might request that the 72 hour hold be dropped and send her home with me. If I was one speck less of a person, I'd tell them to keep her.

I am so angry with her, I don't want to talk to her. Or, I do want to talk to her, but the things I want to say are not allowed to be said in our house. I am really having a hard time coming down from this anger. And I don't know what, if any consequences she should receive for this. The logical parenting part of me says that the hospitalization was the consequence, and that's enough. But the angry disgusted part of me wants to drive the point home that this was terribly wrong, an awful and selfish way to try to get her own way. Oh, and you can bet tthat she'll be "bragging" about this to the kids at school, how she "slit her wrists", etc....she'll turn it into something even bigger than it was, and of course none of it will be her fault at all..... So right now, if you could see me, there'd probably be steam coming out of my ears.

Kindhearted suggestions are welcome.

Today's Dr. Appt.

Well, today the doctor was even more concerned about my mom's state of mind, and he saw/heard firsthand the whimpering noise she's been making....the assisted living people sent lots of information about what's been going on, too, so that was good.

My mom did not sleep all night, apparently. I need to remember not to tell her ahead of time about appointments, I guess. I've heard that other children of Alzheimer's parents need to do this, too. It feels deceptive, though. Spring it on her at the last minute, you know? But I guess the whole disease becomes a deception--where I don't argue with her when she tells me the entire church was in her apartment, I just tell her I'll tell them not to come back....etc....I guess in the name of harmony, there's no way to escape the deception.

Anyhow, the doctor decided we are going to try my mom on Paxil for the anxiety and the depression. He is going to wean her off of the Xanax because long term use in the elderly can increase confusion(!). He is going to put her back on Seroquel only at bedtime, too, to help her be less anxious at night.

It all made sense to me. Whether my mom's body will cooperate, that's a different story--I'll keep you posted!