5 things I learned from my bipolar (II) spouse

Well, it's been at least 8 years now since bipolar has reared its ugly head in my marriage. And I'd like to think that I know some things that I didn't know before....but at the same time, I am constantly surprised by what I don't know or haven't considered yet. So I decided to make a list of some of the things I have learned in these past few years.

(1) Good things aren't always "good" (and bad things aren't necessarily "bad", either) for the bipolar person. Some examples: We had been looking forward so much to DH receiving disability, it seemed like it would never actually happen. When DH received his back pay for his disability (with me as rep/payee, of course), as soon as the money hit MY bank account, DH was in a full-fledged manic episode. Since he has bipolar II, this was unusual. It became one nonstop argument. He wanted this, he wanted that, he wanted me to have a new car, he wanted a big screen TV, he wanted to remodel the bedroom, he wanted to go on a trip, he wanted to do so much! And all I wanted to do was pay bills so that maybe we could have some of those things someday. And the other way....when DH got his DWI, I expected a lot of remorse and some "Well, I'll never do that again!". But I didn't expect that he would embrace treatment like he has, he is going to treatment and taking it seriously. And it's getting him out into the community, out of the house, and talking with people. So treatment has turned into a positive for DH.

(2) Stay tuned, it'll change when you're not expecting it. This one's still tough for me. I've been raised all my life to believe that people are, for the most part, predictable. You know what makes them happy, you know what makes them upset, and you try to use that information to predict your path. With Bipolar II, it's not like that at all. What is pleasant one day can be annoying the next and can be a lifechanger the next. And it's incredibly hard to cope with. I try to remind myself when DH gets upset over something trivial, or something like that, that "it won't stay this way". That has probably saved our marriage more than once. If he was consistently as disagreeable as that part of him that I refer to as "That Guy" is, I could never have lasted. But things change quickly with this disease. Unfortunately, that also means that the great times don't last either. DH might go for two whole weeks where he cleans the house, cleans the litter boxes, takes out the trash and then afterwards tells me how much he appreciates me. Then just as suddenly as it started, it's gone. And he's back to not doing much of anything. So around we go again. But you'll never get the "same old stuff" with a bipolar II spouse, for sure!

(3) Hate the disease, don't hate the person! My husband is a person. He has dreams and hopes and feelings just like everyone else. Probably about 80% of the time, I don't think about him as a person with a mental illness--he's just my husband. A husband who faces daunting obstacles every day, but still--he's not just "a person with mental illness" or "a bipolar". Most of the time he doesn't have a lot of insight into his illness, he believes that he is just like everyone else, only he has to take a bunch of pills. And many of the things that he says and does are not within his control. It's difficult for me to understand sometimes. And I do find myself slipping on this one, especially during extended times where "That Guy" is around--"That Guy" is unreasonable and temperamental. It's hard sometimes, when the unreasonable stuff is emanating from my husband to not just throw up my hands and say "All right, I give up!" But then I remember my caveat from above (it'll change) and decide to stick it out. My husband is a softhearted, gentle person, who tries really hard to do the best he can. I recognize that, and as long as he's still trying, I will, too.

(4) Regular people are the hardest part of the disease. It's still difficult for me to know when to let people in to the "big mental illness secret". I know my neighbors wonder why, if he's home all day, the grass doesn't get cut, or the driveway doesn't get plowed. Why things don't get fixed, and why DH doesn't do what he says he will. And probably by this time, some of them have figured out that something's wrong, but everyone is too polite to ask. I'm sure there's gossip, though. And sometimes when I just want to tell everyone "I am not this unmowed grass, house-falling-down promises-not-kept person!" I think about telling people that DH has a mental illness so that they would understand how hard I've been trying to keep it all together. But mostly, I haven't told anyone yet. I feel like if DH wants people to know, he'll tell them (although he probably is oblivious to "what the neighbors might think"...) I did tell my brother. You know what he said? "I'll take him out to lunch, see if I can talk some sense into him!" There was just no telling him that it wasn't something that could be talked through....I really got angry, but after trying to tell him about mental illness and not being understood, I gave up. And have I mentioned that I can't tell you how many hundreds of times I've heard "I just don't understand why you don't leave"? Aside from the fact that I married him "in sickness and in health", now that things are somewhat stable with him, he isn't hard to get along with. And if our positions were reversed, I sure wouldn't want to be left. For now, I'm staying put.

(5) I am much stronger and more capable than I ever thought I could be. I cannot believe the things I have figured out, the work I've done, the fires (figurative) I've put out, and the way I have taken control of many aspects of the marriage. I never envisioned myself doing this, in fact, our plan was "buy a fixer-upper house, DH would fix it up on weekends. DH would work and we would adopt lots of kids, and I would stay home with all of them." But life happens. Instead, I worked 2 jobs for 8 years(!) so that we wouldn't lose the house. I've become and advocate for DH and gone to countless appointments and meetings where his providers depend on me to get things as right as possible. I set up the pills, take care of the animals, attend meetings/put out fires for DD, who has recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder....and keep an eye on my mom (I still drop by to see her every day, although she doesn't know me most of the time, and she sleeps about 23 hrs a day). If you would have told me I would do all this, I would've laughed in your face. I could never do all that. Hehe.

Social Security Disability Update

We got the call over Labor Day weekend. DH's disability claim has been approved. He's also going to be eligible for Medicare in March, which is almost more exciting than the Disability itself, because this year, we (I) had already spent over $3000.00 in out of pocket expenses just for DH alone--prescriptions, ER visits, Dr. visits, etc. The Medicare coupled with my health insurance from work, will mean he is double covered and presumably, our bills will go down significantly. I may even be able to give myself a raise, because right now I contribute the maximum amount to my Flex plan, which amounts to about 95.00 each paycheck before taxes. Now granted that I do go to the doctor once in a while, so the amount wouldn't go down to zero, but the decrease could potentially be significant. Open enrollment at work is next month, so I'll have to ask someone how that all works.
Probably the biggest thing that this means right now, though, is that I am going to quit my 2nd job. After nearly exactly 8 years of working 2 jobs, DH's disability, after taxes, will be about the same amount as I bring home from the 2nd job. Originally, I wasn't going to quit right away. That extra money would make things that much easier, of course. But every time I went to work, all I kept thinking about was how I could choose to quit, how I could find a job that I really like, if I even want a second job, it's a choice now. Even before the disability was approved, I worried a lot about my mom being so sick and what if I got "the call" when I was working and couldn't leave? (Because at a group home you can't leave the clients unattended, not for any reason). And every time I showed up for work, I felt more strongly that it was time. So I put in my 2 weeks notice, this will be my last weekend of working 2 jobs.
I'm really excited about having 2 days off every week! Maybe I'll get a different part time job once my mom passes, but right now, spending more time with her will be nice, too.

Back to the drawing board

Well, DH's disability appeal was denied again.  I shouldn't be surprised, but I was just hoping.....anyhow, the attorney is already working on refiling.  Don't hold your breath, for sure!

DH has been having some problems with his left hand.  And, unlike the back problems, I can see that there is truly a problem.  He started complaining that his hand and fingers were numb.  Then, he became unable to grip things in his left hand (which is a problem, because he is left-handed).  He went to the doctor, who thought it was a nerve problem and sent him to a surgeon.  The surgeon determined that DH would have to have nerve surgery on his left hand/arm, and it would be major (not laparoscopic).  So they started setting that up, but on one of the presurgical visits, the doctor noticed that DH's fingers are contracting in an unusual way.  So now DH is scheduled to see a neurologist to see if it really is a nerve problem or something else.

I'm kind of hoping the neurologist does a bunch of brain tests in addition to hand tests.  DH had a battery of tests back in 2007(?) and it was very interesting to see the results (although DH was bummed out)--I'd like to see what, if anything, has changed.

My mom is still with us, kind of.  Once in a while she still knows who "Donna Mae" is, but most of the time she just sleeps.  We don't have a lot of conversations beyond "I love you" any more.  She struggles to understand what I say, and she has a tough time finding the right words when she does want to say something.  I'm giving thought to getting Hospice involved again.  They did so much good for her last year.....

I'm dreading the time change.  It seems like every year, around daylight savings time, my mom takes a turn for the worse.  And frankly, there's not a whole lot worse she can get, I don't think.  From what I see, she appears to be one of the lower functioning residents at her nursing home now.  Part of me wishes it would all be over, but one night, I had a dream that the nursing home called me to report that she had passed in the night, and I cannot even begin to explain the terror I felt before I realized that it wasn't real.  I know lots of people are in the same situation, but somehow it doesn't feel easier.

The main reason I haven't been posting (aside from not having much to post about), is that work has been insanely busy (at the county).  and my job at the group home has gotten busier too, with some new residents who have higher needs.  I'm really really tired of working both jobs.  I'm hoping that something will happen to make this easier somehow, because every weekend now, I fantasize about not having to work.  Except I have to.  I do think, however, that things are better than they were last year.  So maybe things will be exceptionally good soon!

Sex and the Bipolar Hubby--adult topic, sorry!

I need to talk to someone about this, and, this blog seems to be where I do the talking......so.....DH.  He's not working, as we all know....basically, he sits in a chair all day and watches movies.  He doesn't clean the house, doesn't fix anything that needs fixing (and he does know how to fix stuff), doesn't do much at all.  If he's not sleeping, he'll let the dogs out.  And unless I nag him, that's all he does.  If I do nag him, he might bring the garbage down to the end of the driveway.  Or maybe transfer clothes from the washer into the dryer.  But he NEVER folds the clothes or puts them away.    It's the same ol', same ol'.

With that said, I know it's been going on a long time.  I'm not in denial any more, for sure.  The way things are is pretty much how things are going to be from here on out.  I'm sure of it.  If I want things to change, well, I can't hope things will get better "someday".  They aren't going to.  I am going to have to make the changes or quit griping about the things I don't like.  With that said, I'm kind of tied to the chair as far as changes go for right now.  There is no wiggle room in the budget to allow me to save a little for a "new life for Carol" fund.  Our house is way underwater, even if you somehow managed to overlook all the broken stuff.  And even if I decided that foreclosure was the way to go, well, the animals are my family, too, and who on earth would rent to a "family" like this?  I do have "someday" hope, though.  Two of the dogs are elderly.  Several of the cats are elderly.  This won't be the situation forever.  Someday I'll be able to move, with or without DH.  I hope things get better, I really do.  But my tentative plan is to make changes that make things easier for me, and then if I can fit DH into those changes, well, I'm ok with that, as I did marry him "in sickness and in health".  But I'm extremely tired of living like this.  Probably that's a whole 'nother post.

Which brings me to this:  DH and I no longer see eye-to-eye as far as um....marital privileges are concerned.  As far as I'm concerned, there are a lot of reasons why I'm absolutely not interested any more.  Starting with "he's not attractive", but that really is the least of it.  I can see with my heart and not my eyes, so his physical beauty or lack thereof would not even be an issue if there weren't these other issues. He's not a "partner" to me, he's a piece of the furniture on a good day.  We aren't a team any more, I'm doing it all and just supporting him.  I work 60 hours a week, and if you add in commute time, it's well over 80.  My mom has Alzheimer's and he doesn't go to see her, even with me.  Basically, the way I see it, in the "give and take" of marriage, he's just taking.  And I'm just giving.  Very unbalanced.  Yet, he just doesn't seem to get it.

Some nights it just feels like "one more chore".   Other nights, it seems like "I went to work today, I got groceries, I visited my mom, I set up appointments.....I made sure there was something for supper....and you sat in a chair.  And you want me to do more.  To make you feel good.  Not a chance."  And then there's the whole partner thing.  I don't feel like he's my partner.  He doesn't go out of his way to make me happy.  But he expects me to do that.  And for the most part, I do.  And it makes me angry just typing this.  Because it really shouldn't come down to "what's in it for me?".  But it feels like there's already so little in it for me that asking me to give more is just futile.  And he gets all hurt when I am not interested.  I've tried to explain it before.  I just don't really know how to do it well without saying hurtful things.  So I just keep refusing.  I don't even want him to see me in any state of undress any more, because I'm afraid he'll think it's an invitation (he has before).  But this hurts his feelings too.  But unlike other issues we've had in the past, I stand my ground, probably because I just can't bring myself to be ok with it any more.

I admit to feeling rather discouraged lately.  I'm not sure why, really--nothing has gotten worse (but nothing is better either).  There's no end to this in sight unless I create one.   I'm tired.  I've been doing this for over 5 years now, and things are not much different than when I started, except that I've taken steps to control things that I can control.  I'm not getting younger.  I don't have a life except for my animals, and I don't even have time to enjoy them like I should.    I'm trying to be supportive, but nobody's supporting me.  That sounds kind of selfish to me, when I think about the fact that if he had Alzheimer's, I wouldn't expect him to do anything more than what he's doing now (or not doing), so maybe my problem (once again) isn't DH, it's the mental illness....?  And the fact that I don't really know how much is laziness and how much is mental illness.....well....thanks for listening....

Happy Easter

Well, here we are, Easter again.  I'm going to head over to the nursing home at noon to have Easter dinner with my mom.  I'm not bringing DH this time because when I do, he just makes a point of making sure I know he's miserable there--that really really bugs me, because my mom really likes him and he never wants to go see her--but I guess really, it's just one more thing that I wish he would do that he doesn't.

Things here have been pretty uneventful lately--DH is still on the lower dose of Lithium, "That Guy" sometimes seems to be waiting in the wings (DH sometimes gets irritated easier than he used to) but hasn't made a full appearance yet.....DH is still not working.  His nights and days are all messed up.  He "goes to bed" at the same time as me, about 9pm, then by 1am, he is up again.  Then he goes back to bed a few hours later and does it again.  I'm actually a little concerned (but not a whole bunch).  I bought him a frozen pizza because I was so proud of the changes he's made as far as spending--I thought he deserved a treat.  That was almost a week ago now, and he still hasn't eaten it--that's weird.  Very weird.

DH has gone to get the free food a couple of times now, and it helps a lot!  Our grocery bill has gone way down.  Aside from that, he barely leaves home.  Actually, he barely leaves his chair in the living room :-(  but he's not constantly asking me to buy him stuff, not complaining that the generic stuff we have isn't any good, etc....he's been very accepting and that's strange too.  But a very good kind of strange, because it does take some stress off of me. 

My mom still calls me "Donna Mae".  I asked her one night, "Do you remember how you and I met?" (I was trying to figure out who Donna Mae was to her) but she couldn't remember.  So I just said "It seems like we've known each other forever!" And she agreed.

Well, aside from that, things have been pretty boring.  I go to work every day, come home, see my mom, take care of the animals, and go to bed.  There hasn't been much drama.  I'm ok with that.  But it doesn't make for a very interesting blog, does it?

Side Effects

Well, things were going comparatively well.  For a time.  DH was remembering to go to his appointments, taking his pills, cleaning the house--in fact, the house was cleaner than it's probably been in a year.    I was thinking that it might have been an ok tradeoff, if DH not working was the cause of all the new positives.  But no matter what, apparently, the phrase to remember is....."Be careful what you wish for."

I'm not complaining about the "new and improved" DH.  And I'm not saying that he's so improved that I can't stand it (we were actually at that point for a brief period, while he was manic and undiagnosed, but we aren't there now).  What I'm talking about is the fact that our budget has been cut to the bone.  I thought it was tight before, now it's unbelievable.  And DH still says he wants to find a job.  Who am I to object?  Any amount of income he could possibly bring in would help us big time, right?

So, DH has been meeting with the people from the organization that finds jobs for people with mental illness.  I'm very impressed with the fact that he hasn't missed an appointment with them.  Unfortunately, between DH's memory problems, there aren't a lot of things that they can be sure that he could handle.  But that's not the worst of it.....the lead job counselor there called DH's pdoc and told him that "DH is NEVER going to find any job anywhere, as long as his hands shake like they do.  Any employer sees that, and that'll be it." 

So now, DH's pdoc, who does not think that DH should work anyhow, but of course doesn't want to stand in his way if he needs to work or wants to work.....has been cutting back on DH's Lithium, as it is believed that the tremors are a side effect of that drug.  I've been surprised that DH is not having the mood swings yet and he hasn't had a lot of racing thoughts either.  I think DH is surprised too.  He's down to half the amount of Lithium he was on when this experiment began.

However, with every decrease in the Lithium, and I don't even know for sure that it's more than a coincidence, DH has been slipping into more lethargy again.  He sits in his chair and does nothing all day.  Nothing.  Some days he only even eats one meal--and for a guy his size, that's not a normal thing.  He just sits there.  When I ask him questions, he responds appropriately, but then an hour or two later he can't remember what we talked about at all.  It's like having an extra piece of furniture around.  And it seems to coincide with the decrease in Lithium.

DH's pdoc has also started DH on Inderol, which is a blood pressure medication that is supposed to help with the tremors.  So far, the tremors seem to have decreased, but are still very noticeable.  I'm starting to be concerned that the tremors might be a permanent thing.  That's kind of scary.  I know I'd much rather take the hand tremors any day, as opposed to how crazy things were before DH started on the Lithium.....but still....DH can't carry a bowl of soup from the microwave to the table without spilling it.  When he eats with silverware, the tremors often cause his food to fall off the fork or spoon.  And writing is nearly impossible.  I need to find out more information on what to expect.  I'm concerned.  Probably I should've been concerned a long time ago, as the tremors have been going on for a long time, but nobody else was concerned (meaning the pdoc), and I was just so happy that the Lithium was helping so much......

And now that his Lithium has been lowered so much, I'm worried about the lethargy, but also worried that "That Guy" might come back when I least expect him.  And that would really suck.

Ok, this is going to be tough. But I'm hoping I'm up to it.

We found out that DH is not eligible for unemployment due to his pending disability appeal.  "You can't tell the unemployment people you're ready, willing and able to work, and at the same time, tell the disability people that you're not capable of working."  Anyhow, it might be legal to get unemployment, but it could potentially make a mess out of whatever is left of the appeal.  It's too big of a risk, of course.  If DH could get disability, I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs any more.  And right now, the ONLY way I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs.  My full time job pays for the mortgage ($900/mo), our health insurance ($420/mo) and my gas to get there ($400-$500/mo).  That's it.  No food, no clothes, no cat/dog food, car insurance, electricity, phone or heat.  So....as long as I like having those things, the second job is not an option right now.  In fact, we're back to ends not meeting again.

I dropped the insurance on DH's pickup truck.  I'm dropping the internet service at the end of the month.  DH is rolling his own cigarettes (still) and eating cheap food at home.  He's not complaining at all, and that makes things so much easier.  I'm toying with dropping some phone service, but it's hard to decide what to do.  We each have cell phones.  Mine is important to me because I'm on the road so much.  His is important to me because he's been suicicidal in the past and I feel like I need to have a way to get in touch with him if/when things are bad.  But the land line.....I need that in case I'm in the house and my cell phone doesn't get a good signal that day...what if my mom had an emergency and they couldn't get a hold of me?  Still struggling with all of this.  We already don't have TV of any kind, so cutting out cable/satellite isn't an option.  Oh, and DH has agreed to go to the free food distribution again (we did this when Jim was living with us and it helped a lot, but DH hated it because he was always so afraid that someone would recognize him.)

I'll hopefully be getting a raise (about $40 every 2 weeks) from my full time job in about 4 months.  I'm hoping we can hang on til then.  I guess, if gas gets too high, like they're talking about, I can stay at my friend's house in the City.  But as I've said before, I don't always trust DH to be able to care for all the animals correctly.  It's an option, though.....better (maybe, anyhow) than losing the house.

Selling the house is not an option.  The house is valued at 1/3 of the mortgage right now, and even that may be high, what with the roof issues etc.  And compared to rents, it's really not that high.  I can't move into an urban area with these animals, and I won't abandon them or "find good homes for them."  They are my family members too, and I need to keep that in mind when I make plans.

The last resort, of course, might be bankruptcy.  I hope it doesn't come to that.  I'm going to look into the new programs for refinancing under water mortgages, and if I can do that, it might all be possible. We'll just have to cross our fingers.  I've done it before, but in hindsight, I have no idea how--I guess I'll have to operate on the same blind faith that got me through this the last time.

Something good is going on

I'm not sure what it is--is it me taking control of DH's meds and making sure that everything is there every day.....or him not having to go to work.....or the fact that he's sleeping at night and awake during the day....or a combination of all these.....?

But here is what I am seeing:
DH is drinking cheap bottled water and not complaining about no pop
DH cleaned my pantry.
DH cleaned the living room.
DH made himself sandwiches without whining about how there was nothing to eat--not only that, but he used very old bread, saying "we've got to use this up, we can't waste it just because it's all dried out...it's not moldy yet" (very very unusual for him).
DH called the "jobs for the mentally ill" worker twice (she hasn't returned his call yet)
DH applied for unemployment.
DH is rolling his own cigarettes and not complaining at all about how bad they taste.
DH has been feeding/pottying dogs before I get home at night so I don't have to.

I could go on and on.

But you get the idea.  He's smiling more, too.  For a long time I hadn't noticed the lack of smiling, until he was laughing one day. 

I know it's probably just high spot on the roller coaster of bipolar.  But the way he's been these last few days makes me remember why I married him to begin with.  And right now, he's doing great.  And I'm amazed and thrilled.

What I think about DH working

Well, it's been a little over a week since DH was fired.  Financially it hasn't really hit us since we had that last paycheck from him, and he had managed to show up for work every day that he was scheduled up to the day he was fired, and that was 5 days.  So actually, his last paycheck was bigger than his checks had been previously.....

But mental-health wise, after a day or two, it started to sink in.  DH got really depressed, as so many of his coworkers were people he counted as friends, and so in a sense, it was a kind of "double whammy" for him.  He stayed in bed for 3 or 4 days straight, only getting up to eat or smoke.  Then I came home from work one night, stopped at the nursing home to check on my mom, and DH was STILL in bed.  I had tried to be as understanding as I could--I knew that despite the fact that everyone around him could see it coming (the firing), he really didn't.  And losing a job in any way is disheartening and stressful.  But then, as he was laying in bed, he made some kind of comment about wanting to be a billionaire, and I got snarky.  I still feel bad about my comment, because his feelings were hurt, but I said "Do you think Bill Gates, at any time in his life, laid in bed for four days straight?"  I don't think it probably was my comment that motivated him, but shortly after that, he got out of bed.  He put in an application at McDonalds and has already had an interview.  Unfortunately, they told him they "aren't actually hiring, they're just compiling a list..."  But the fact that he went out and did that impressed me.

I also told him to file for unemployment.  I know two people who were fired from my part-time job who were able to get unemployment.  DH says "if I even get it, it won't be much", but I say it'd make things a lot easier to get $20/week than nothing, for sure.  So my task for the upcoming week is to get him to file for that.  I know that you're not supposed to be eligible if you get fired, but it seems like some places don't fight it, so he might as well see if that's the case. 

I think I'm starting to see that working really took everything he had.  He's done more around the house in the past 2 days than he did in the past 2 months.  I so much wish that his disability would go through.  Unfortunately, it looks like he'll probably end up re-applying because his case is at the top of the appeals levels now, and from what I understand, only 2% of cases are approved at that level.  Not hopeful.  But I'm seeing how much better things could be if he didn't feel like he had to work.  And if I didn't feel like I had to ask him to work.

Who knows?  Realistically, it could be 3 more years before he finds a job again.  I very much hope not.  But it's happened before.  I'm trying to focus on the fact that except for the 4 (3?) days he spent in bed, he hasn't been down much, and I was sure that when he did get fired, he'd be positively suicidal.  So there are good things.  I'm relieved and anxious about the future.

DH got fired

Well, I know most of you aren't surprised to hear this.  But actually, in the last two weeks, DH had been really trying hard to get into work.  He was very proud of himself.  (He still wasn't doing anything at home at all unless I really really nagged, but at least there was some money coming in)....

Anyhow, tonite he was in a really good mood.  He went to work and was already back home by the time I got home from work.  He said he was scheduled to come in at 3pm, even though for months he has worked at 6pm on Thursday nights.  I'm not sure whose fault it really is, DH's memory and attention to detail is so terrible that he might have looked right at the schedule and not noticed that the time was different.  I'd like to think, also, that management would have pointed out to him that they had made a change, but, according to DH, they didn't.  Well, it's been coming for a long time....and he's had many "second chances".  So here we go.

In a way I have that strange, relieved feeling that I had when I got laid off.  I knew it was coming for so long, it was a relief to have it over and done with and know where things stand.  I'm scared about finances.  But I think if I'm very careful, and maybe sleep at my friend's house once a week, I can make it work.  I don't really have much of a choice!  Well, as I said a few weeks ago, I've been here before and I learned a lot from that.  My biggest fear is DH's "needs".  His cigarettes, his pop, and even though he once again isn't caring about his diabetes, I don't feel right feeding him food that is blatantly unhealthy, especially for a diabetic.  I imagine that's what it'll probably come down to, though....he's not checking his blood sugar or anything like that lately anyhow, and "healthy" foods are so much more expensive....I'll do what I can, but I don't think it'll be the best nutrition....

DH, I think, is still in shock.  He is really handling it remarkably well, considering how he normally reacts to negative stress....but like he said, he thinks he's in shock and that it feels like a bad dream.  I imagine tomorrow or the next day, when it really sinks in, I'll need to keep close tabs on his mental health.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just play it by ear and know that somehow "the money always comes from somewhere".....

It'll be a sad, strange Christmas

This Holiday season, despite Shasta's miraculous return, is full of question marks and worry:

Last week, DH got a phone call, that his mom (my mother in law) had fallen down the steps and broken her pelvis, hip and arm.  She had surgery this week, which was as successful as could be, but is still in the hospital and will be there for Christmas.

The day after that happened, DH got a phone call from his stepmother (whom I love), letting him know that his dad had had a massive stroke and was actually in the same hospital as DH's mom for some time (they divorced about 35 years ago).....DH has been having some bad mental health issues himself these last few weeks, so he didn't think to ask a lot of questions about the prognosis (I'll give a call tonite if I can), but from what I can gather about the timeframe, it sounds like a major hemorrhagic stroke and that he has survived that (the stroke had happened about three days before DH was notified), but will need to relearn how to walk, talk, eat, etc.....DH's dad was not in good shape prior to this, as he had suffered a life-threatening infection after a "routine" surgery, so I'm not sure what this bodes....I think DH is a little confused, too, as he really doesn't have a high opinion of his dad, but is concerned nevertheless.

And then my Aunt Judy, who, when I was a child, was my favorite aunt ever--she had no qualms about coloring with me, or talking about teen idols, or playing with my dolls--it wasn't until I became an adult that I realized that she was somewhat childlike and dependent herself.....anyhow, she just turned 65 this past Fall.  She and my uncle Neil, who is/was my dad's brother, quit smoking 24 years ago, when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer (which he died from in January 1988).  Anyhow, at Thanksgiving dinner, Judy was talking about how she had no appetite any more, which was somewhat unusual, considering that at some times in my life I am sure she weighed upwards of 300 lbs (but had slimmed down recently due to being more aware of how her diet affects her health).  I made a little mental note to myself, just a "that's a little odd..." when all she ate for Thanksgiving was a couple of barbecue sauce weenies and two Dorito chips....anyhow, about two weeks ago, it was learned that she has Stage IV lung cancer and it has already spread to her brain and internal organs.

We won't be having our usual Christmas get-together this year at my brother's, we are going to bring Christmas to my uncle Neil's, because Judy is too weak to go anywhere.  She is getting radiation and chemo, and the doctors say it is "treatable, but not curable".  Whatever that means, I think this will be her last Christmas with us. 

We won't be having our traditional Christmas Eve games (that I am in charge of), either, since DH's mom and brothers won't be coming.  It doesn't really break my heart, I get stressed out, especially trying to come up with prizes that I can afford, and new and "improved" games every year....but it's going to be strange, for sure.  I am scheduled to work the overnight shift at the group home on Dec., 23, 24 & 25 anyhow.  I get double time for working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so that will help.  My tentative plan is to make a special Christmas Eve dinner and just enjoy spending time with DH and DD.  I'll pop in to see my mom, too, of course.....

But the clincher is the mental health issues DH has been having.  He was able to get FMLA for his physical health problems, so he won't (or shouldn't) be punished for missing work....but the thing is, in the last three weeks, he has only worked two days.  And that doesn't help us much.  A lot of days he doesn't get out of bed.  So the double time that I'll get for working the holidays will help out.  But he's not doing anything to help us or to help himself.  Again.  And this had started before we got all the bad news about family.  I have reminded him til I'm blue in the face, that he needs to go see his PDOC, and he was supposed to have his Lithium and Depakote levels checked nearly two months ago, but when I remind him, he "forgets".  And he hasn't checked his blood sugar, let alone watched what he's eating, for at least 3 weeks.  One day he told me "I think I might be Schizophrenic" because he kept hearing his own voice in his head talking to him...."but the voice doesn't usually tell me to do something bad, it just talks to me...." but he hasn't been to the PDOC to ask about that.  I suggested that DH check himself into the hospital, and he was concerned about how much I work and I could I "take care of things" without him.....I just looked at him, and he said "Oh.  I guess things wouldn't really be that different, huh?"

The one good thing?  I realized that this would be yet another "special occasion" where I didn't get much of a present.  So I took some of my Christmas bonus and ordered myself a Kindle Touch ereader.  I've wanted one for ages, and I know nobody will be asking me what I want for Christmas, so that's my present from me to me.  I probably shouldn't have wasted that money on myself, I know I'll regret it when I have to scrimp for gas money to get to work, but I probably won't have any "extra" "not earmarked for a bill" money again until maybe next year if I'm lucky.......I hope it lives up to my expectations.

Finally!!!! Success!!!!!

I am happy to announce that Shasta meow was finally caught this morning, and is happy to be back inside!

She was apparently hiding under a part of our deck that is accessible to cats but not humans.  She did not come out when we called.  We never saw her the whole time.  The dogs did not bark as if they saw her.  We looked all over, notified neighbors, put an ad on the radio (they're free for lost & found), and it appears that she was only about 10 feet from the door.

I had put a live trap out for several nights, baited with tuna, nothing.

Then, two nights ago, I thought "maybe she is so used to her in-the-house routine that she doesn't know what to do!"  So I put her purrsonal food and water bowls outside, and made sure there was some crunchy Iams in her bowl (just like in the house).  I made a big deal of filling the food bowl...talking to her (even though I didn't know if she could hear me) and rattling the cat food bag.  That night, something ate all the cat food and left the tuna in the live trap.  I put the crunchies out the next night, and it snowed just the tiniest bit.  And what did I see?  Kitty paw prints in the snow!  I followed them to try to see where she was hiding, and that's why I think she was hiding under that part of the deck (there were tracks coming to and from that area, but no tracks leading to a different part of the yard.

So last night, I put just a few crunchies in the food bowl and put it just inside the trap (where she wouldn't spring it).  When I realized that food was gone, I put the refilled bowl in the trap as "bait".  Viola!!  Mad/scared kitty!

I guess she maybe doesn't like tuna, even though she begs for it when she's in the house?  << shrug >>

I am so relieved.  She was sleeping on the bed when I left for work.  She's still fat, but maybe a little less so.....and I regret thinking that DH may not have been truthful about what happened.  When he first told me that Shasta had escaped, he wasn't worried at all, I guess he thought she would just come home by herself.  The not worried thing made me suspicious.  But as the days went by, he got more and more worried, too.  I have no doubt now that things happened exactly like he said.

This has gone from a really bad week to a pretty good one.   In addition to getting Shasta back, my job at the group home gave me a $300 bonus!!!  We usually get a bonus from there (although I never count on it) but some years it's $25, some years it's $50, and in the six years I've worked there, the biggest bonus ever was $75 a couple of years ago....so I was shocked and amazed when I checked my bank account today.  Yippee!!!!  Now Lester, who has moved into our porch voluntarily, can go and get some shots and have a little operation.  Woohoo!!!!

Really down day for DH

In the past week, DH has had two episodes where he um...soiled himself.  The urge came on so suddenly that there wasn't any time to find a bathroom.  He's had a couple of close calls at home, too.  Luckily it hasn't happened at work yet, but DH was (understandably) worried, and went to the urgent care clinic yesterday.

They told him that most cases like his are not physical as in "problem with digestive tract" issues, but neurological, in nature.  Since DH has a possible TBI(?), the doctor speculated that this could be a progression of his injury, in which case, it may be something he has to "learn to live with".  DH is extremely depressed about the whole thing.  He's in one of those "the world is ending" moods, where, in his mind, there is nothing good at all in the world.  He hasn't called me all night (I'm getting ready to leave work after working all night, he usually calls me to say "hi"), so I called him to make sure he was ok.  He answered the phone, but his responses were very flat-sounding and short.  Funny, though, DH states that his back doesn't hurt at all lately....(?)

I tried to remind him that the doctors have been wrong about a lot of things with him.   He agreed that that is true, but that did not change his mood.  He will (hopefully) go for an MRI on Monday (that's what the doctor recommended anyhow) to see if they can figure out what is happening.

I wish I knew how to help.

DH stable again (kind of)

Well now that DH has been officially restored to his "regular" dose of Lithium by the pdoc, things have gotten somewhat back to normal.  He's still on the higher dose of Abilify, and that seems to be helping his motivation too.  In his appointment, the pdoc said "Your case is one of the trickiest I've seen.  You are on high doses of several drugs and there aren't a lot left to try.  I've worried that as you grow older, this combination won't be as effective as it has been.  Clearly, reducing your Lithium was not a good change.  We need to hope this works, because I'm kind of at a loss here."  That was a scary thing to hear from the pdoc who (as I found out when I googled him last weekend to see what hospital to call) is a state-renowned expert.

So I'd like to report that all is well.  And surprisingly a lot of things are.  DH's paycheck this week was $91.00 (frankly, I can't believe he's actually still employed at all).  That's quite a drop from the $400 and $500 paychecks he was receiving a couple of months ago.  But compared to lean times in the past, DH has been surprisingly understanding about how little money we have.  In the past, he would be begging me to bring him out to eat, buy him pop, buy him cigarettes....and this time, he seems to have a better understanding that those are luxuries and there is no money for that.  That's been a relief for me, because before, when we were broke, and he kept begging for stuff that I couldn't buy, I always felt kind of bad for not being able to make him happy (but intellectually I recognized that there was no way I could).  So his new attitude has taken a little of the pressure off of me.

So what's the catch?  Things are great, right?

Well, some of you who've been reading this blog for a long time might have already guessed:  Last week, DH's "back went out" and he made yet another trip to the E.R., which resulted in yet another bottle of Percocet.  I'm not sure how or why, but I'm sure it's the Percocet that's responsible for DH's improved attitude.  I'm still doling out the pills, I keep the bottle in my safe and he can only have 2 or 3 pills a day, but as soon as he started taking them, once again, he was more easy-going, more ambitious and more alert.  Once again he's concerned about his blood sugar, and has started to try to take some little steps to try to lose weight. I had mentioned this to the pdoc, thinking that maybe there was something similar in the world of psychotropic meds that could bring about a permanent change without the addictive narcotic, but the pdoc was just as puzzled as I am and didn't offer suggestions. 

I know he's got a dependency problem.  And it makes me angry.  But really, things are so much better when he's taking them, I get all mixed up when I think about it.  If he's on Percocet, there's a better chance that he'll go to work, and we'll be able to pay the bills.  There's a better chance that he'll pay attention to his blood sugar, and that will enhance the quality of life for both of us.  But there's that addiction thing.  And shouldn't he be able to achieve these things without a narcotic to prop him up?  I don't know the answer.

I hate Percocet.  And once again I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

DH is becoming more unstable

I am seeing mood swings often.  Yesterday, DH called me at work and was in such a good mood, he was so happy to hear my voice, he was going to make me supper and clean the kitchen, and he couldn't wait until I got home.  I drove home feeling like it was a rare day when I could feel really good about my marriage--I was really happy.

Well, I got home, no supper, kitchen hasn't been touched.  I asked him what happened, and he got that cold "That Guy" voice and told me if I was going to lecture him about not doing things then he isn't going to do them (huh?)  So much for that.

But then this morning when I got up for work, DH told me that he's "having big problems".  He told me that his moods are going from happy to sad to angry in minutes for no discernible reason.  He said that yesterday he cut some firewood (yay!) and he looked at the chainsaw and had an overwhelming urge to apply the running saw to his foot.  This hugely alarmed me.  I suggested he go to his regular Dr. and ask for help, as the PDOC is 100 miles away (but comes to our town once a week).  DH also told me that thoughts of self-mutilation are popping into his head.  He says he's not suicidal and he believes he is strong enough to fend off the self-injurious urges.

I suggested that DH check himself into PDOC's hospital (as PDOC had suggested before) but DH doesn't want to let me down by possibly missing work and/or getting fired....he also is worried about the dogs needing to go out while I'm at work.  I told him neither reason was worth dying over and that we could and would cope with both.  He said he would just wait until the urges pass, as he knows his emotions will change in a minute anyhow.

I'm really worried.  I want to say "at least you were (mostly) stable when you weren't doing anything....lets go back to the old meds..." but we probably need a medical doctor to tell us that we can do that.

DH has a 2:40pm appointment today.  I hope we can find a way to help him.

Hows this for a Blessing?

I'd been really stressing.  After the "can't wait" bills got paid, I was left with $11.00 to last for 10 days.  That's for food, gas, and any other incidentals.  I was slightly panicked.

DH's pdoc raised his dose of Abilify to 15mg and lowered his Depakote dose.  DH continues to be on less Lithium than ever before, as well as the Seroquel being totally discontinued.  Sadly, though, with the $11.00, there was no way I could go to the pharmacy and pick up the new med.  That helpless feeling like I was drowning was really coming on strong.

The only difference with this recent "panic" is that I've been here before.  I've done it all before, and cut things to the bone.  I know I can do it, and I know a lot more tricks to make sure I do it well.

I'm virtually certain that DH will be unemployed soon.  They took away another one of DH's scheduled days because of his attendance.  So right now he is scheduled to work 16 hours per week.  DH didn't even remember that they (his employer(s)) have a policy of doing that (cutting hours when you miss work at a certain point level), so when he found out he was only scheduled for 2 days, he asked for more hours and wound up looking foolish....I don't think the people who work directly with him know about his mental health issues.  He is going to have the pdoc write a letter to management and see if that helps.......who knows....

.....And of those small checks of his, $25 comes out of every paycheck to pay that loan for when he pawned Jim's rifle.  DH swears that since we made that contract, he has not pawned anything at all.  But basically his pay will only cover his cigarettes and not much else.  I know I need to be grateful that he is still employed at all, because I remember how frustrated I would get when I had to come up with money for his cigarettes when we were broke anyhow.... 

I'm going to have to buckle down again.  We really never got back to where it was comfortable to go out to eat, or where we could get TV again, but it was nice to be able to buy better foods at the grocery store and not juggle the bills so much.  It's better this time, though because this time I have a little warning.  The last time DH was out of work, he had been making about $50,000 a year, he came home from work and said "I quit".  And I thought (since I didn't know about his mental health problems at the time) that he'd just up and find another job right away, so I wasn't as worried as I am now.

Now, I recognize that there's a high likelihood that he will be unemployed indefinitely again, although maybe that would improve his chances of getting his disability approved.  The hardest thing will be to try to be able to buy foods that will be diabetes-friendly.  I can do it, though, I know I can.

So here's the blessing: 

Shortly after DH got home from the PDOC, I got a phone call requesting my services as a pet-sitter for three days.  At $10 per visit, that'll be $90!!!!  Just in the nick of time!
(I had started pet-sitting when I was laid off in 2010, since I wasn't confident that I'd find a new job so quickly, and this was one of my clients from back then).

I always try to tell myself that "the money always comes from somewhere"....which, I guess, is another way of saying "the Lord will provide".....but sometimes I have a hard time believing it.  Once again, I'm proven wrong and I'm happy to admit it.

P.S.  As requested, I'm putting a "donate" link on the page in the next few days.  But I feel kind of weird about it.  I'll see what happens and how I feel about it after I've had it for a while.

Somethings not working.

Well, we got the Abilify approved.  DH started back up on it.  I think we might've expected too much or something, but basically.....nothing happened.  Nothing.

His last paycheck was $65.00.  That's it.  And he now has enough "points" to lose his job, but because they like him, they are trying to give him one last chance.

While he was not on the Abilify, while things were messed up, I didn't expect much, because I knew that things were not going to be right.  It was back to the sitting around all day, nothing getting done, same old, same old...

When the Abilify finally went through, DH had been on a reduced dose of Lithium, and no Seroquel and no Abilify for 2 weeks.  He started back on the Abilify and we both expected positive changes.  But...

The diverticulitis does seem to be cleared up for now.  But he thinks he might be getting yet another cyst.  I'm sure some of these issues may be related to Percocet and/or poorly managed diabetes, but how can I/we get him back to the point where he would be interested in fixing stuff?  For a minute there, when he started taking the Abilify samples, I thought we might be there.....but.....

He sat around.  He did nothing.  As a matter of fact, things are so "out of whack" that DH even completely forgot that he was not out of Percocet and hasn't even been requesting them.   I caught him smoking in the house (even though that was a rule that has been in effect since before we got married, even).  He has completely (again) stopped caring about the Diabetes, even when I remind him of the possible ramifications.  And he's been getting mad at me again when I tell him we can't afford whatever it is that he wants at the moment.

He has a PDOC appointment today at 2pm.  We'll see what the Dr. says.....I know things aren't all that great right now, but I also know they were a lot worse before, too....I've got to be patient....or something.....

Right now I'm wondering how I'm going to make it another 10 days with $11.00 in the bank.  It'll work out somehow, I hope.  It usually does.

DH is now down to 3 days a week

He hasn't gotten fired yet, but I know it's only a matter of time.  They've cut him down to 3 nights a week, which, after gas expenses, pretty much pays for pop and cigs and not much else.

He has another PDoc appointment on Monday, hopefully he is able to express what he feels has been happening--it seems like this could (and should) be better.

He still has no initiative at all, and his thinking is funny, lots of "all or nothing" stuff, like the dryer broke down and he says "Why does bad stuff always happen to us?" and then "We've GOT to have a dryer....." (I'm fine with a clothesline, at least until winter.....)

But I am trying to look on the bright side as much as I can--we have so much more than lots of people.  We have options.  We (both of us, amazingly, especially in this economy) have jobs....and the bills get paid.  Despite the fact that things aren't easy, we've been blessed.  And I'm trying to remember that, so that when DH says "why does it always happen to us?", I can look past that.

Thank heavens for mental health advocates

I insisted that DH call his worker at the program that had gotten him the job, and explain what had happened.  She wasn't surprised, I think that she was like the rest of you, kind of surprised that it took this long to happen....but she made a couple of  phone calls and got him his job back--for the most part, anyhow....

But just barely--I don't remember if I've explained how the attendance thing works there, but if he's late or misses work on a weekday, he gets 1 point; if he's late or misses work on a weekend, he gets 2 points, and on really really busy days, like Mother's Day, if he's late or misses work, it's 3 points.  When he gets to 8 points, they start cutting his hours back (he loses 8 hours per week), when he's at 9 points, they cut his hours even more than that (16 fewer hours per week)  and when he hits 10 points, he's done--fired.  Right now he's got 9 points.

I'm not sure if the mental health worker can help him when he reaches 10.  Actually, if they were as strict as they should be, he's probably got more like 20 points right now, because they didn't give him points for the days when he showed up for work but had to go to the E.R. for his back pain, or had to go home for whatever perceived health problem he was having that day.

And I think it would feel really weird to go back to work after that, when you had "quit" and then you're back, but DH is so relieved to still have a job that it doesn't seem to bother him.  I'm really relieved too, because it really helps DH feel like more of a contributing member of the family....

Unfortunately, he still has no insight into the fact that his behaviors may cause him to lose his job--I just can't imagine that, but it's true.  I tell him all the time that drinking water or diet pop instead of sugar-laden pop could make a big difference, as when he drinks the sugar pop, his blood sugar gets high and they often end up sending him home.  And he's had numerous referrals to physical therapy for his back, but he doesn't bother to go, instead he keeps going to the doctor, hoping that someone will prescribe him some Percocet.  But he won't take any action that might require any type of a change.  I finally, one day, came right out and told him that, that he was going to lose his job if he didn't start making some changes to his lifestyle.  He "tried" to change to diet pop for 2 days, then he was right back to sugar pop :-(

There have been a lot of times lately where, although I have never thought divorce was/is an option, it is looking more like a possibility than ever.  How on earth am I going to spend the rest of my life with someone like this?  I just don't know how I'll do it.  But when I start fantasizing about being "on my own", I realize a) I absolutely can't afford to do anything right now, and b) there's still a little bit of hope there, that things can get to a point where I can feel ok with them, although that hope is dwindling.

DH has an appointment with his pdoc on Monday.  I'll let you know how that goes.

DH just quit his job.

I know all of you will probably wonder how on earth he managed to stay employed as long as he did, but he's been getting slack(er) about doing things to keep his mental health stable, and last night he had a rough night at work and walked out.

He said it wasn't until he was driving home that he realized the consequence(s) of doing that.  And now I'm really scared, although I've been here before.....

He thinks that maybe if he calls his manager and explains, maybe they'll let him come back....but he's also been missing a lot of work due to health related stuff, because he doesn't do what the doctors tell him to do..... so maybe the casino is happy to be rid of him....I don't know!!!  I'll hope that maybe he can talk someone into giving him another chance...

If that doesn't work, then my next thought is to call the agency for mentally ill people that helped him get this job and see if maybe they can advocate for him....there are so few jobs where we live, that if this "sticks", it could be a long time before he works again....

And of course in the meantime I've got the husband sayin "I'm so worthless, I always do stupid stuff like that, I'm a piece of sh**...." and all I want to do is throttle him because any way I look at it, decisions he made caused this.

I'll keep you posted.