Struggling with DD's issues

Ok, it's really tough for me to admit this, but I currently intensely dislike DD.  She has been living in the adult foster care group home for mentally ill adults now for about a year and a half, and every time I talk to her, I am so very glad that she no longer lives in our house....

Last weekend was just an example:  She came home for a visit.  The very first thing she told me when she got in the car was "Mom.  My friend committed suicide yesterday."  I felt terrible.  What an awful thing, even for a mentally stable person to have to cope with.  I was hugely sympathetic, told her that suicide is caused by mental illness, offered to help her in any way I could.  She said "her mom (the friend's mom) is going to let me know when the funeral is."  I told her I would help her get to the funeral and even go with her if she wanted me to.  I just felt so awful for her.  Then, as she was rambling on about it, she stated "And they don't even know if she's going to live."  WHAT?????????????

Turns out the friend wasn't dead after all.
The friend DID attempt suicide, but was already out of the hospital.  DD realized though, that she'd get more attention if her friend actually died, so that's what the story became.  At that point, I wanted to bring her right back to the group home, but I didn't, of course.....she then went on to tell me about (same old story) how she is getting "bullied" at work.  (She works in a supported work environment with behavioral supports and such for people with mental health issues). 

The story on the bullying?  The same thing.  She has latched on to the word "bullying" because so many people are talking about it these days.  Usually, at work, she is the one doing the bullying, is what I am told. 

So we went home, and I clearly explained to DD the difference between attempting suicide and committing suicide.  She said she understood.  I warned DH about this conversation.  And DD?  She told her dad the exact same thing!  "My friend committed suicide."  And he very patiently explained again the difference and that no, she did not.

So cut to Friday.  We got a call that she and the boy who had been "bullying" her, had been given feedback about an inappropriate conversation they were having at work.  The staff at work separated the two, and DD "flipped out".  The group home had to come and bring her home, where they were not able to calm her down.  The episode culminated with DD cutting herself superficially in the arm and being brought to the hospital.  When the nurse called me, she (the nurse) told me that DD has been under a lot of stress at work and also stress from her friend killing herself. I wanted to scream.

I am struggling with the lies and the manipulation.  I know it's hallmark to FASD.  But I am having troubles accepting it.  Frankly, in the "real world", I pick up on people like this and avoid them like the plague.  And DD is no different.  I don't want to spend any time with her.  I don't want her to come over, I don't want to call her.  Because it's all going to be a bunch of drama that isn't true.  And I know that I'm her mom and I said that I'd love her forever.  But I wish she would just stay away.  I don't like her.  And I feel hugely guilty about that. 

DD says she loves the group home....

I've asked her a few times now, and she says she loves it there.  She's (so far) getting along with everyone.  She's excited that she'll get to cook for her housemates.  She says the staff is nice, and the housemates are nice, too.  It's a huge relief.

I, as Mom, am having some trepidation, of course.  Since DD is so immature, I kind of feel like I just sent my 11-year-old out to live as an adult.  And I'm hoping and praying that she learned enough at the RTC to get along in a household without a parent....I'm so glad I'm her guardian!  Today the group home called me to ask me if DD could get her hair cut.  I said yes, of course, and was excited that they called me to ask first.....then I remembered that DD did not have any money.  I decided that was not currently my problem, so I didn't call them back.

Surprise, DD called me back to ask me if I could take her to get her hair cut.  Apparently she is realizing that the group home doesn't pay for a lot of stuff.  I really really didn't want to drive 30 miles to the group home just because she wants something, so I told her some other day.  I think what I'll do is make out a check to the hair place and drop it off at the group home on my way home from work on Monday.  Then a staff can take her.  Sunday (as you might remember) is the day I get off work at 8am, take a little nap and then go to "church" at the nursing home with my mom.  And today (Sunday) since I've been told that she is not eating well, I'll be staying for supper, too--just in case I can help.

All in all, DD seems to be adjusting.  And I am adjusting, and so is DH.  I know, though, that she is still in the "honeymoon" stage--after all, it took her a month to have an outburst at the foster care home....so the real test will be the first tantrum......  I'll keep you all posted...

DD got arrested.

It was all set:  DD was going to go to a "prom" for special needs kids on Saturday night.  The program that was putting on the prom was also providing donated dresses etc. to all the girls, and the cost would be minimal (about $10.00).  Since this would probably be the only prom that DD might be able to attend, it quickly became a big deal.  The foster mom helped DD select a dress and shoes (this had to be done at a time when I had to be at work, or actually, on my way home from work)....and I was going to chaperone up until I had to leave for my part-time job, and then the foster mom would take over.

I got a call from the foster mom on Friday, while I was still on my way home from work.  The first thing she says, in a very kind and sad way, was that DD was not going to be able to stay there any more.  Apparently, DD had been disruptive three days in a row, and was currently in the midst of a full-blown tantrum.  I could hear DD screaming in the background.  Apparently the tantrum was because DD asked the foster mom to take her to town so that she could look at more dresses.  Foster mom said (and rightly so), "We've already spent quite a bit of time looking at dresses, and you've already picked one out.  So let's just try to be happy with that..." and DD didn't like that, so the screaming began.

I think the foster mom thought the worst was over when she called, because they had finally succeeded in getting DD to go into her room (after many belligerent refusals).  But I could tell, from the sound of the screaming, that it was actually still escalating.  Since I had gotten a kind of "you didn't handle this quite right" once, when DD's therapist and social worker had suggested that I call the area mental health crisis line and instead I called 911, I advised the foster mom to call the crisis line.  Unfortunately, they won't deal with a crisis involving a person who has exhibited self-injurious or assaultive behavior.  While she was making this call, though, DD came out of her room and began to assault the foster mom in front of the other kids, so foster Dad called 911.  DD tried to escape out of her bedroom window, but failed to take into consideration that her room was on the second floor.....The police came, and tried to talk to DD and calm her down, but she was "mouthy" to them and very disrespectful.  She shoved the foster mom while the police were there, so DD has now been arrested for Domestic Assault, and also "Public (something--I'm not sure what)" because she did it in front of the other kids.  So she's been in jail.  I could not find out any information beyond that, as she's now 18 and we are not her guardian(s) yet--the court hearing is actually on Monday, May 16--now it sounds like they are going to try to combine the guardianship hearing with her first court appearance for these charges.....

DH, when I told him about the first phone call, the one where I could hear DD screaming, wanted to go over there and try to calm her down.  I told him not to.  After all, this was a foster home that was supposedly very experienced, and I tried to remind him of all the times when neither he nor I had been able to calm her down in this situation.....so he didn't go.  But when he found out she had been arrested, he had some unusual type of breakdown.  He was sobbing about how scared she must be, and how if only he had gone over there, he could have calmed her down.....and all that kept flashing in my mind was DH saying "Call 911--I can't take this any more!"  And the mental picture of DD attacking DH with the bicycle pump.  It was clear to me that his thinking was "weird".  But he couldn't calm himself down.  He was just distraught, and I was at a loss as to how to handle it.  He said it felt like he was having constant panic attacks, and he was so upset....I suggested he take a Lorazepam, but he hasn't needed to use them very often, so when he ran out recently, he hadn't called in for a refill.  He couldn't stop crying, and he couldn't sleep, and he completely blamed himself for DD ending up in jail.  I ended up suggesting that he take an extra dose of Seroquel--he takes 100mg nightly now, but also used to have an order to take an extra 50mg as needed, although he usually chose not to, because it made him so tired.  So I figured it would be ok if he took that.  And he fell asleep and slept all night.  But it was very weird/scary.  His thoughts haven't been so disorganized, and his emotions haven't been this out of control for a very long time.  When he woke up today, he seemed somewhat better (no more crying), but he was still wayyyy off....really lethargic, mopey, very sad.....he did go to work today, though, so I'm hoping that once he gets into the routine there, maybe his brain will do a little bit of a "reset" and he'll feel better....

DD called collect from the jail today.  I asked her how she was doing and she said "Mom, I'm fine.", in a rather disrespectful tone of voice.  I told her that Dad and I were very worried about her, and she said "Well I'm SORRY!" in a way that clearly suggested that she was not sorry.  So that ended a lot of my direct sympathy for her at the moment.....

I'm really sad for her.  I'm sure jail is quite a shock to her, and like nothing she's ever experienced before.  Unfortunately, I don't believe that the experience will cause her to rethink her actions in the future--I still think that she is not properly medicated.....

And then there remain a lot of questions.  This foster care arrangement was kind of a last-resort thing, because group home funding was not available.  The foster home will not take her back, for sure.  DD's social worker had not been planning on attending court on Monday, she felt that there would be no opposition to us being guardians, so she was not going to clear her schedule for that.  Now I'm really hoping that she recognizes that this is yet another crisis, and that I/we really need her help.  If DD is released from jail after the guardianship hearing, she will have no place to stay.  She could probably stay at our house for a couple of days, but beyond that, we cannot and don't want to be dealing with these tantrums again.  All of her belongings are still at the foster home, but it really doesn't make any sense to pack all of that up until we know what the plan is.....

So once again the situation with DD involves "flying by the seats of our pants"--we weren't expecting this so soon, we certainly weren't expecting the foster parents to give up so quickly, and I am afraid for DD's future.

The Hand-Off

So much has changed in the brief time that I haven't posted.   When the RTC had said that they wanted DD out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, they really meant it.  DD's social worker was really scrambling to get everything in place, and I could tell she felt really rushed and frustrated, too.

We had DD's "discharge meeting" on April 14.  DH and I, the new foster care lady, social worker, DD and the therapists were all there at the RTC to see DD off.  We met the lady who'll be doing the "foster care".  Surprisingly (or not), she's very nice and we both liked her.  Also surprisingly, it doesn't sound like their home life is much different than ours, except for more kids in the mix.  She (the mom) works full time about an hour away, doing the same thing I'm doing, except I'm working 2 hours away.  The dad works at night and sleeps all day.  Three other kids.  I had had this vision of some lucky lady who was able to stay home all the time and give DD all the attention she needs.  That won't be the case, and I'm kind of disappointed.  I also think that when, in the discharge meeting, the therapist started really giving details about DD's behavior, the mom was starting to have some doubts....but then she put on a happy face and hid it well.  This is the only option that we've been given for DD at this point.  Today we're going over to their house to see where DD will be.  (But she's already there).  We did not get a chance to meet either parent prior to the discharge meeting, so there really is a big question mark as to how things will work and how involved I/we can be.

It was a really strange meeting.  We talked about all the ways that DD has improved since she went to RTC.  But in the back of my mind was "this is bull!  If she was doing so great, why are you doing this?  Right in the middle of what you've referred to as "the most difficult and important part of her therapy"?  I have a lot of anger and confusion towards the RTC.  But that meeting was not the place to express it.  I'm not sure there ever will be a time and place for that, but I feel like, on DD's behalf, that she's on the losing end of a bad breakup.  We're sick of you, we're dumping you, and no, you can't stay for one more day!

I also met with the attorney that the county is using to help us get legal guardianship.  Right now, DD, being 18, could, in theory, decide she didn't want to live where she's at now and move to Timbuktu, until she ended up in jail.  Hopefully the guardianship will all be in place by June, but there will be a couple of days I'll have to take off to get it all done.

I have such a jumble of feelings about all of this.  I'm relieved that she won't be coming home, because I truly don't think she's changed all that much and I didn't want to have to admit defeat a second time.  I'm scared of the new situation.  I'm scared that it won't work out for DD.  But more....I'm scared that it will.  I'm scared that these people have skills that we don't have, and will be able to help DD in ways we only dreamed about.  I'm scared that she's going to end up loving them more than us.  I'm scared that they'll allow her to make choices that she isn't ready to make.  (Remember that although she's 18 by the clock, maturity-wise, she's only about 11 or 12).  I'm afraid that these people won't want to hear what we think, or what we've learned (or haven't learned) in the past.  I'm afraid of stepping on their toes.  I'm afraid of the harm DD might do to their kids.  They seem very nice, but..... 

It's the weirdest feeling....handing your child over....when you still love them....to go and live with another family....twisted up my heart and really made me feel like a failure.  If DH hadn't become ill....If we didn't have all this debt and I didn't have to work 2 jobs.....If we lived in an area where there were more services and more funding....it just isn't fair at all.  I guess I really do want her back.  Just not like she is right now.

And then, after the meeting, I was helping DD pack up her stuff, and she broke down in tears.  I took her in my arms and held her, felt like a mom again.  And I started wishing unrealistic wishes--that she could come home and we could work it all out and be a family again....and I know that's not going to happen--if it was going to, she'd still be in the RTC.

And now.....she's gone.  She's at the "other' house, with a whole 'nother life.  And I didn't have much time to prepare, mentally.  It's clear that something's changed.  I think DH is extremely relieved.  I offered to buy him a carton of cigarettes if he cleaned the entire house and he DID IT.   The house has not looked this good or smelled this nice in years!!!!  And he's been asking what he can do to earn the "next" carton.  I can probably do one more...but unfortunately, I can't have it be a "regular" thing.  DH also told me that he wants to lose weight and quit smoking!  I know that both of those things are extremely difficult, especially for someone with his issues, but the fact that he is thinking about it is an improvement over how things were before....

And to top it all off?  On the same day I met with the attorney and the same day that we did DD's discharge, I learned that I have lupus.  I've started taking anti-malarial drugs for the skin issues and the pain and fatigue.  It was a huge relief to know that that was what was wrong, because lots of doctors in the past had treated (or tried to treat) various parts of it, without looking at the whole.  Now that we know what it is, maybe we can make things a lot better all around, instead of fix one thing and then something else pops up.  The kind of funny (depending on how you look at it) thing is, I didn't really feel like there was something that serious wrong with me until I KNEW that there was something wrong....now I'm noticing the fatigue more....and the aches and pains....and the hair loss.....

My emotions are all a-jumble.  Just like my life.

It's going to hit the fan tonite.

Well, we had just tentatively made the decision to plan for DD to come back home after her stay at the RTC.  The staff there had made such a point of telling us "how she's turned it around" and "she's really working hard to make this work", so we felt like she should have a chance.

That was less than a week ago.

Over the weekend, she was assaultive towards another kid and a staff, then ran away from the RTC and the police brought her back.  She continued to be verbally abusive to staff and peers after this, and bordering on becoming physical again, so the staff there has changed their recommendation to a group home or foster care setting.

They're going to tell her tonite.  And I'm certain that it won't be pretty.

We will be meeting with DD, therapist and staff tomorrow night.  Not looking forward to the blame that she will heap on us for the choices she made.  But they were her choices.

I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I thought all along that this was what the outcome would be.  I was hoping I was wrong.

Since she's on the brink of 18, there will be a lot to learn....for sure.

In my "bad mom" moments I just want to wash my hands of the whole situation, but I (most of the time) love her too much to give up completely.

The RCT told us to prepare for phone calls tonite.  Yikes.

P.S.  We still have not heard anything about DH's disability--it's been 6 weeks now, and they said 2-4.....probably not a good sign :-(

I don't like my daughter.

We've had several "home visits" now, where she comes to our house and spends a couple of days.  Of course, with me still working both jobs, I don't have a lot of time to spend with her, but that's ok, because most of the time I don't want to spend time with her at all.  Isn't that sad?

It's as if she is constantly looking for an "excuse" to get angry with me.  Here's an example:  About a week ago, DH and I picked DD up at the place where she's at.  DD had been talking about applying for a scholarship so that she could attend a rather prestigious cooking school.  While I do think that cooking school is a much better and much more realistic choice than her previous choice (paleontologist), when she showed me the scholarship rules, I got worried.  The scholarship can only be won by achieving a certain score on the ACT college entrance exam.  I know that unless things change drastically, she can't do that.  She has yet to pass the skills test for graduation, and she's taken it several times.  I hate to see her disappointed, so, thinking ahead, I said "that's great!  And I know if the scholarship doesn't work out, there are a lot of programs for former foster children that can pay your way, too!" And she got right up in my face and told me that "I have my heart set on this and you never want to let me do anything I want!"  And she kept right on yelling at me, even when I asked her "Did you even hear a word I said?"  Sadly, this is kind of a typical exchange for her and me.

The treatment center where she is at has said that they have now talked with the county and the county will only pay for her to stay there until June.  And at that point, we have to decide where she is going.  They are pushing for her to come back to our house.  I don't want to live with her, but I feel like a bad mom when I even think like that.  So I keep going along with things....

Then.....this week they started bringing up the possibility of allowing DD to go on unsupervised visits to her bio mom's.  "Because her bio mom has been going to therapy and appears to have cleaned up her act..."  Everything about this made me want to scream "No, no, no, ABSOLUTELY NOT!"  But once again, since they (the therapists) seem to think it's a good idea, especially since DD will be turning 18 soon (and despite the fact that supposedly the legal guardianship is moving along) as they don't want DD to resent us for keeping her from her bio mom.  So once again....I feel like a bad mom, because these visits are the last thing I want and the last thing I think will be good for DD.  Her bio mom has very good intentions but cannot say no to DD, not ever.  Kind of like DH, but there's nobody there (at bio mom's ) to step in when that happens.  And....I admit it....I know DD will always choose bio mom over me, so I'm already a little hurt and jealous in advance.

It's all very hard for me.  DH doesn't seem to see anything wrong with these things at all.  Mostly right now I just want to throw up my hands and say "all right already, she can do whatever the hell she wants and I'm not going to waste any more energy on maintaining a relationship with this hateful little person!" But I know that's not the answer either....it's just that I'm overwhelmed without worrying about these things, and I don't think there's a way I can make a good decision here, at least one that I'm comfortable with.....

P.S.  Please say a heartfelt prayer for everyone in Japan right now....my cousin (who is Japanese-American) was in Tokyo when the earthquake happened, and she and her husband are ok, but we aren't sure if they're coming back to the U.S. now or not (they weren't planning on it).....

My day sucked. (warning--not for squeamish)

Actually it wasn't too bad up until about 7pm.

First, a little background:
I met yesterday with the Nurse Practitioner who prescribes medications at the nursing home where my mom is.  Everyone seems to agree that my mom has been sleeping a lot more than she was when she first arrived there, and nobody is sure whether it is a "natural progression" or a medication thing.  The NP and I agreed that my mom's Seroquel dose would be reduced--the NP felt that the dose was high enough to be dangerous anyhow--and they were going to add a new laxative, too, since my mom seems to have lost the ability to recognize when she has to have a bm, and how to push (sorry if that's TMI).  I thought this sounded reasonable.

Also yesterday, DD called me and said she "had a question".  I suspected that she wanted something unreasonable and didn't return her call (bad mom).

Cut to today: DD called again, "with a question".  She wanted to know if she could apply for an all day pass so that she could spend the day with her bio mom!(?)  I told her that it had nothing to do with her, but I was going to be pressed for time that day and there really wouldn't be time for that.  Then I asked her if she had asked the therapist/staff where she is staying if an all day pass to be with bio mom would be allowed (I suspected it wouldn't, because the therapist won't even allow unsupervised phone contact with bio mom right now).  Sure enough....it hadn't been discussed.  So I, assuming that she was "getting better", said "I don't think that they would go for that right now.  Even if there was time to do that, I'm thinking that they would probably say that's not a good idea."

DD: But Mom.....she said she was going to take me to get my hair done!!!!

Me (to myself): I wonder how that's going to happen, since DD is an hour away from her, and bio mom doesn't have a car or a license...???  It certainly hadn't been discussed with us....

Me (to DD): You know, DD, your mom has very little control over things like that right now.  She has even less control now than she did when you were at our house, and that wasn't much.  I'm not sure it's realistic to think that she can just decide to do that, and it's probably not a good idea to get your hopes up for stuff like that.....

DD:  YOU ALWAYS ARE AGAINST ME SEEING HER!!!  YOU ARE ALWAYS AGAINST HER!!! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAY NO WHEN I WANT SOMETHING LIKE THAT?????

Me: DD, I don't want to argue with you.  I will talk with you about this some other time.  I love you.  Goodbye. 

And I hung up.  I just didn't have the patience for the crap.  But that decision (to hang up on her) left me feeling like a "bad mom".

Then I went to visit my mom.  Unfortunately, she'd had a lot of extra confusion today.  She was wandering in the hallways (not normal), and thinking that I was going to take her back to her apartment to stay....she said something was wrong, but she didn't know what.  She was already wearing a nightgown when I arrived at 6:45pm--that's only a little unusual--some aides like to get them dressed for bed early--I happened to look down under her wheelchair, and saw a little brown on the floor.  Sure enough, diarrhea--a lot of it--and my mom hadn't realized at all.  Apparently it had overflowed her Depends and, well....you know....

So I called an aide and she started to get my mom cleaned up.  I am very willing to acknowledge that that is the part of the job (nursing assistant/aide) that I could not do.  I walked down the hall while the aide did her thing(s).  When I went back into the room, the smell was so bad--it smelled like a combination of vomit and diarrhea, and was so awful I thought I was going to be sick.  My mom seemed a little more comfortable, but still confused.  I had to leave for work and hated to do that, but at a group home, it's next to impossible to call in at the last minute--and if I just up and say "I'm not coming in tonite", then the person who worked before me has to stay until SOMEONE shows up to relieve them.  So I went in.

So it's looking like both of the med changes were probably bad ideas.  I wanted to call the NP up right then and there and say "Ok, lets go back to how things were..." but of course she wasn't working at that time of night....and I know that 12 hours isn't really enough time to honestly evaluate a med change anyhow....I should've just requested that things stay the same med-wise.  At least then, when my mom was awake, she was more tuned in.....

I felt like a total failure.  As a mom and as a daughter.  Intellectually I know that's not the case, but emotionally I'm a basket case tonite.  I've been on the brink of tears all night.  Five years ago, when I felt like this, I would've called my mom to talk.  Nobody to call now.  My heart is breaking.

DD called last night.

She's been moved to a longer-term house on the campus where she's been staying.  (We all [DH, me, the therapist(s), other staff, social worker] had a meeting last week and it was agreed that her violent behavior demonstrated a need for her to stay in residential treatment for as long as 6-9 months...)

Anyhow, apparently it hasn't been going well there.  I know they had taken a weekend "outing", so I wasn't able to call her or find out how she's been doing....so Monday night, she called and said she wants to come home.  She was crying and told me she doesn't like it there.  She told me that she has been getting into a lot of trouble every day, and nobody likes her, not even the therapist.  I asked her how she knew the therapist didn't like her, and she said "because she says I start things."  "Can I please come home?"

I wanted to say "well, you were having those same troubles at home, too--at least there, someone'll do something about it."  But instead I told her I wished she was at home too (a lie--I want the OLD DD back, not this angry and violent DD). 

I felt like my heart was breaking when she started to cry.  But then I realized, as she talked about how nobody likes her, etc., that she still has absolutely NO insight into what the problem(s) are.  It's pretty bad when she's at a place FULL of kids with emotional problems, and none of them like her either....makes me really sad, but also, when I hear that she's having so many troubles there, I know that handling her at home truly would not have been realistic.  I still feel bad.  I wish things were different.  I hope they can get her on the right meds.

What a week.

DD was released from the hospital and (get this) they took her off ALL of her meds because they think her problem is anxiety and not bipolar. So now she has no meds, no PRNs and her appt with the med person is on Monday. How intelligent is that?

And the plan was going to be....DD's social worker was going to look into a longer term hospitalization or a residential placement. So we started to mentally prepare for that. But then the game plan changed, and we are going to have another eval done to make sure she really is FASD, because apparently that opens up a lot of doors for her (since her last eval was in 2004 (for FASD), I guess that one's too old to be relevant(?)) So now I'm waiting on info regarding this new eval and trying to keep things together at home. And DH is really disgusted. He told me that one part of him just wants her gone, but when he thinks about how things have been in the past (much better behaved, more stable, more fun DD) he just wants to cry. So I'm not sure really where he stands, but he's definitely not happy.

And she's no better. Yesterday, in an attempt to do "family time", DH and I took DD to Walmart. I wanted her to get some new shoes. She came back with a pair of Mens size 9 shoes. I told her those were too big. She started to explode, telling me that the "Size 7s were way too small, and these are the only ones I like!" I told her too bad, I'm not going to buy shoes that don't fit. She kept arguing, raised her voice again, and I told her that she should show me the 7's. Sure enough, the Mens size 7's were way too big, too. At least an inch and a half between her toes and the front of the shoe. So then I said no to the 7's, too. Told her to find something else. "BUT I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING ELSE!" So I calmly said "Ok, well, there's no rule that we have to get something today...." and she started blowing up about that. So she finally did find some shoes in the right size that "I guess I like them". Then, she wanted to pick out a new towel. She knew that I had recently bought DH a new towel because there are showers at his work and I didn't want him to have to have a tattered and torn towel there. But DH has decided that he probably won't be using the towel at work. So he suggested that DD just take the towel that I had bought for him--after all it hadn't been used yet....bad idea. "I WANT MY OWN TOWEL, ONE THAT I GET TO PICK OUT!!!!!!" (Oh for Pete's sake.) Ok. To avoid meltdown at WalMart, she got to pick out a stupid towel.

But wait!!! There's more!!!! DH and I decided we wanted to eat at Taco Johns. It's been a long time since we've gone out to eat. Another meltdown because DD DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO TACO JOHNS. ARGH. And she wonders why I never want to go anyplace with her.

Supposedly we are meeting with the pdoc on Monday to see what we can do. I don't know if I'll make it that long.

Talked to DD on the phone...

Well, earlier in the week I called DD at the hospital and our conversation went like this:
Me: Hi there, how are you doing?

DD: Fine.

(pause)

Me: How's the food there?

DD: Fine.

Me: Are the kids nice?

DD: I guess.

Me: Are you keeping busy?

DD: I guess.

Me: Well, I guess I'll let you go then....I love you.

DD: Ok.

(click)

Last night, I called her again. Here's how it went this time:

Me: Hi, how are you doing?

DD: Hi Mom!!!! I'm good! Guess what, I made a dog that looks like Frosty!

Me: I can't wait to see it! Did your staff tell you that I'll be coming on Saturday?

DD: No they didn't tell me. You';e coming to visit me??? (with a smile in her voice)

Me: Yes, and Dad might come too, if he can.

DD: Dad too? What time on Saturday?

Me: Well, visiting hours are around supper time, so that's when I'll get there.

DD: Ok.

DD: Mom, I've gotta go, someone else wants to use the phone.

Me: Ok, I love you and I'll see you on Saturday.

DD: I love you too Mom.

(click)

Holy cow. I know they've done med changes, but what have they done to her???? Whatever it is, we haven't had a pleasant conversation like this in ages, even if it was a short one. I'm looking forward to seeing her later today.

Guilt and fear. That's what we've got.....

I talked to the staff at the hospital, and they are administering some tests to find out if FASD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder are just the tip of the iceberg. I talked with DD's staff and he told me that DD is "very hurt" by "something her dad said". I'm aware of that, and I know that while DD was in the process of hitting DH, he said, "I'm through with you!". And DD said a whole lot more than that, but of course her words don't count--but DH's will be remembered forever.

I know her penchant for untruthfulness and knowing that she's there in the hospital, I get worried that she's exaggerating or lying and that they will believe her stories. I know that she isn't the first kid to lie though, so they've probably figured some of that out....and I worry about how our family and family dynamics will be perceived. I'm sure that DD will tell them all sorts of bad things about DH (and probably me, too, although she's more upset with DH right now), and won't bother to explain to them that after nearly four years of struggling with mental illness of his own, he has just gotten back to work again and with me being laid off but working for the Census, our family does not have a routine or a lot of stability right now.

Her staff already told me that DD is upset that we haven't come to visit yet. The hospital, though, is two hours away and I don't get paid time off from my part time job. Not to mention that it's virtually impossible to find a replacement at a minutes' notice. So I feel guilty about that, too.

Mostly, though, I feel bad that I haven't been as good of a mom as I could have been. There are so many things I wanted to teach her and experience with her, and all of this working and DH's problems and my mom's problems have really taken that away from us. And now I'm just a "mediocre" mom with a kid who's acting out and somehow it's probably my fault, since DH can't be blamed (since he was completely out of the loop for so long).

They are trying some new medications for her. This hospital (which is a different one from the one she was in last fall) seems like they really want to help.

But you know, just imagining the things that she is saying to them about us makes me very angry and I haven't even heard them yet (this time). But she's said similar things enough times.

Truthfully, part of me wishes that the hospital would say that she SHOULD go to a group home right away. Things seem so peaceful and easy at our house without her. But I miss the nice kid she used to be.

I am going to visit tomorrow. I don't really know how I feel about that.

A somewhat surprising turn....

I went in to talk with DD's social worker about the possibility of respite or other resources. I was told that due to budget cuts, there is no respite budget at all :-(

But the social worker advised me that since DD is 17 now, she could get a waiver to allow DD to live in a group home. To me that really seemed like rejecting her. I don't think that's the answer "right now". However, I was and am willing to say that if she becomes violent again, that will be, apparently, the "other" option that we have. I can't stand violence, and even though DH did contribute to the escalation of the problem, the verbal aggression did not let up for days afterwards. So if she loses control again and hurts one of us physically, I think it will be clear that she needs something more than we can provide. Actually, right now it's pretty clear, but I'm hoping....

Don't worry, the courts/county will not allow her to go back to her "real" mom--that's what caused this in the first place!!! DD and her bio family are very well known in our area and I think every worker in the Human Services Department would fight as hard as they could to disallow something like that. It's not even an option except for DD's "wishful thinking". If she went to her bio mom, all the progress DD has made these past few years would go right down the toilet and she'd be in jail within a month, I'm sure.

Anyhow, like I was saying, I feel like sending DD to live in a group home would be a kind of rejection, and I'm absolutely sure that she would see it that way, too. But since that is the only option, I wanted to know what her therapist, who I view as a mentor of mine, thought of the group home idea. Surprisingly, she said, "Realistically, DD is not going to be able to live independently as an adult. She is always going to need some kind of living supports/assistance. So, given the fact that she will definitely be living in a group home setting in the future, does it really make a difference whether she goes now or in a year or two?" She told me that if DD had been put into a group home setting back when we got her, she would have been "shattered". But now she's 17 and although maturity-wise, she might improve somewhat, really things are not going to get much better. So basically, what she said was "Why not now? It's going to happen eventually anyhow..." Although I really don't want to admit that we might be at that point now or very soon, her comments did comfort me, because she is right--if DD is going to keep doing this, I have enough on my plate with DH and my mom....might as well have someone else deal with the crap. DD's therapist was quick to point out that DD would still be a part of the family, just like my mom is. DD would just be living somewhere else, with others to help her besides me. It gave me something to think about.

Ok. Back on track here....While the social worker and I were trying to talk to DD about this possibility, she screamed at me "Shut up!" and was chastised by the social worker--I didn't bother chastising her myself because I knew we'd end up with more problems.... that's how it's been lately. Anyhow, after the social worker told her that was NOT appropriate, DD asked to go to the hospital. The social worker called in the pdoc who was going to start DD on Depakote, but DD was adamant, she wanted to go to the hospital. Social worker, pdoc and I were all of the opinion that DD just wanted to go somewhere where she wouldn't have to deal with rules and/or consequences, like she does at home. None of us thought she would be admitted. I brought her to the E.R., though, wasted an entire day, and what do you know??? She's admitted.

And I'm kind of surprised and kind of not, but I don't miss her. Mostly I'm just relieved.

Peace?

Finally. Kind of. DD and I have made peace. A very hanging-by-a-thread kind of peace, but today I was able to talk to her without her screaming at me, and without her telling me "it's not my fault", and without her insulting me. I guess it's a start. After telling me in one breath "I'm moving out. I already talked to my bio mom and she says I can move back there" (of course she says that--it was the courts that took DD out of there in the first place and the courts would not allow DD to go back there before she turns 18)--I called her bluff. I said "well, if that's how you feel, I guess...." I know she wanted me to buy into all her drama and say "oh no! Don't go!!!" But I won't give her that card to play for every time she's mad. So I just said "I hope things are more fun for you there." Once I said that, she said "But Mom, I LOVE it here. I just thought it'd be easier if I left." (yes, it probably would, but that's not what families do if they can possibly avoid it...)

DH, I sense, is torn. He loves DD and wants things to be ok. But she's been getting more and more violent with these tantrums, and all the pdoc does is raises her dosage(s). DH tends to lean towards the "we might as well give up now" viewpoint. He wants her to go away so he doesn't have to deal with her any more.

And that leaves me torn all asunder. I love DD so much. But I absolutely HATE her behavior and I don't' know how to make it better. I know she's really gotten the "short end of the stick" these last couple of years, with DH being unstable and my mom being sick....I know that in a perfect world she should have and would have gotten a lot more attention than she has.

I feel, though, the same way about her tantrums as I feel about "That Guy". I hate them and want to do anything to get rid of them. Somehow, though, in the same way that I am able to separate "That Guy" from DH, I am able to see that the tantrums aren't the only facet of my daughter. I don't want her to go anywhere. Unfortunately, DH says he does want DD to leave.

Now, since I've been the "person in control" for the last few years in our house, I probably do have the power to override him and allow DD to stay. And in fact I will probably do that, because I don't give up that easily. But it is going to cause a rift in our marriage. I feel like I'm kind of taking advantage of the (previous few years) situation. But I do feel strongly that if DD goes anywhere, she will be forever damaged. More than she is now. And while I might not be the best mom that could have happened to her, and DH not the best dad, she's got us and if we give up on her, the message that sends is so much bigger than anything that she's done.

I don't want to fight with DH about this. I know he has a right to be hurt and angry. I need some help here for sure. I see my therapist later this week, I'll probably ask her about the situation. And I've set up an appointment with DD's social worker on Monday, too--I don't know if there is any respite type thing available to us, but it would be nice if we could take advantage of something like that if it was available.

I guess what it boils down to is that when I talk to DH, I am going to have to remind him that I did not give up on him when things were at their worst--when he was going to bars, stealing from me, meeting up with old girlfriends (he only did that once that I'm aware of), etc....and that I'm not going to give up on DD either. Hopefully he'll understand.

Oh--P.S. There is a rule in our house. DD is not allowed to cook on the stove unless she is supervised. She gets very angry about that rule, because she thinks she is old enough to cook whenever she wants. And she has been very sneaky about it. I haven't said much about it, but I have stopped buying eggs (one of the things she likes to cook) etc. We've had bigger battles to fight, or so I thought...

Today I ran to my mom's house. DH was sleeping, DD was in her room. When I came back, about an hour and a half later, I walked in the door and was assailed by fumes. For some reason I got scared when I smelled that smell, but it took me a few minutes to realize what it was. Then it dawned on me. Propane. Lots of propane. I asked DD "did you use the stove?" I didn't expect her to be honest, and I didn't think she had used the stove. I was thinking we had a bad, bad, leak. I was about to wake up DH and have him help me get everyone out, when DD said, in a small, surprisingly honest voice "yes". I ran to the stove and discovered that one of the burners was on, but no flame. The house was full of fumes. I opened up all the windows and very quietly told DD what could have happened. And explained that things like that are why I want her to be supervised when she cooks. And for once she didn't say "It wasn't my fault!" All she said was "I'm sorry." That was when I knew we might get through all this somehow.