Oh Deer

Well, I drove to work thinking that I was going to write a post about how good DH has been doing--he's been getting up at 5:30am to go out and hunt. He hasn't been watching TV. Of course, he hasn't been doing much of anything else, but that's not unusual....LOL

So anyhow, tonite he told me that while I was working, he was going to do a little cleaning, because his mom is coming by tomorrow. That sounded great, too!! But at midnight, I called to see if he had taken his nighttime pills, and he said, "no, I didn't take them, because I've got to stay up and clean." He decided that instead of just putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher and sweeping and mopping the floors, he was going to clean the whole house. At 3am he still hadn't taken his pills. Then, at 4am, he called, all proud of himself, because he had cleaned the whole house. And since it was so late, he is going to stay up until 5:30 so that he can hunt. I just wish he could see that when he does this, I lose out....I won't even get home from work until 10am, and his mom is going to be at our house at noon. And if he stays up all night, THEN takes his pills, well, then I'm the one who gets stuck entertaining on two hours of sleep. And I have to go back to work tomorrow night, as usual, so if I don't get at least 4 or 5 hours of sleep, I'll struggle at work, too.

And he doesn't have to go to work, or anyplace. So I guess this isn't going to be a post about how good he's been doing, after all.

Oh, and when he's been going out to hunt, he only stays out for a couple of hours, then he goes back to sleep. So he hasn't gotten a deer, and neither did Jason. We really really need that meat, though, I don't know what we'll do if there's no deer....I was just at the grocery store and the cheapest hamburger they had was $3.00 for .75/lb!!! Yup, they are making .75/lb packages now, I guess people can't afford a pound any more....I've been using a half pound in recipes that call for a whole pound, but jeez, at 3.89 a pound or whatever it is now, even that doesn't really save much...so I'm going to stop at WalMart and get some of their super-cheap hamburger....

It's deer season again...

Remember last year, how I had taken DH's guns away, because I was afraid he was going to kill himself? That seems so long ago. Since then, we've found Lithium, and DH, for the most part, is getting out of bed and talking to people (and he wasn't doing that last year). Things have really gotten so much better.

But this morning, shortly after DH went out to hunt, I heard a shot and I got so scared. I had been completely unaware of how worried I actually was. All sorts of things went through my head, most of them involving me becoming a widow, and some of them pertaining to "how could I let him hunt?"

Then he walked in the door. He was in a good mood. No, he didn't get a deer, it was someone on an adjoining property. Nothing was out of the ordinary at all, in fact, if I hadn't just suffered through this last year, I would've thought it was like any other. But I was so scared.

And on a side note, DH's brother came up to hunt with HIS gun--you might remember, that DH pawned his brother's rifle TWICE in the past year when I wouldn't give him money for pop or cigarettes....then I wound up having to pay to get it out of the pawnshop because I don't want DH to have to deal with his brother's wrath....which, would be rather well-deserved, after all, the gun was not DH's to hock....oh well, all's well that ends well, right?

Lots going on

Well, despite my pity party, it was a very nice birthday. Much nicer than last year, where DH, not having any money, decided that he couldn't do ANYTHING for me for my birthday, not make a card, not clean the house, nothing, so he had a pity party of his own...this year was much better. He still didn't have any money, but he handled it much better, for sure!

Tomorrow is his meeting of the creditors for the bankruptcy--no, it's still not over...but hopefully it will be all done with in about a month. I am hoping that there are no surprises, I keep feeling like "you can't just walk away from $40,000 of debt and not have something dreadful happen," but I guess people do it all the time. I am not a part of the bankruptcy. I did not file, and my credit as of right now is intact and perfect. I have heard from some people that I might end up with a notation on my credit that my husband filed bankruptcy, but I don't know how true that is--I've never done this before (thank goodness, I guess!)

As far as DH's job goes, well, we've had several arguments about it. He went back to the lady to get his "final check" and she was "in meetings". Then the next day, she was "on vacation" and the day after that, she was "at lunch". Finally one of the peon employees told DH that "they" are disputing his final check. Of course he got all upset again. The "boss" seems to be completely avoiding him. To me, the writing is on the wall, and, taking into consideration DH's fragile mental health, I told him not to waste any more time trying to get that money. "But she owes it to me!", he keeps saying. "She's ripping you off," I say, "Do you think that you going down there to argue is going to make her more honest?"
DH: That's not fair, it's my money!!!! She can't dispute that!
Me: It's $200. It's like if a plumber came to your house and you didn't like his work and decided to not pay him, except you're the "plumber". There's no sense in trying to get it, she's clearly avoiding you, she's not going to give you that money, and no attorney in the world is going to waste their time on this. Attorneys make $50 an hour, at least, so really, we just need to let it go."

Then the next day he says "I need to go down and see her about that check."
And we have the same argument all over again, because every time he goes down there and doesn't get paid, he gets more depressed and that isn't doing anything good for anyone. $200 we can live without.

And he hasn't brought up the pawn shop stuff again. Maybe he's starting to see that I can't keep doing it. I think we are going to have to let the pawn shop stuff go, even though it is his brother's gun and not DH's that got pawned. Maybe when DH gets a job again, we can just buy another gun for his brother and nobody will ever be the wiser....I hope, anyhow....

Not much else going on, I guess....I suppose that's enough, huh?

Who should you vote for?

I was perusing online and I ran across this very cool site:

http://www.electoralcompass.com/v/wsj

I haven't really followed the elections as much as most people--although I've been following the economy (or lack thereof) very closely, I had thought that Obama was the one I identified best with, but I was surprised to see that my beliefs are more attuned to Hillary Clinton's. I also compared my beliefs to Ron Paul, they didn't match (surprise surprise), but they were closer than I thought they would be. If I had to vote for a republican, I'd probably go for Ron Paul, because he doesn't seem to be as much of a game-player as all the others. Anyhow, no matter what your political affiliation, I thought you might find this site interesting.

Today I took my ring off.

I guess a lot of people reading this are going to say "you should've known better, how many times does it take for you to learn?" I guess I'm a slow learner.

I got home from work this morning at 7am. I think I've mentioned before that on Thursday nights I sleep over in the city, because it doesn't make sense to drive for two hours, sleep for 4 hours, take care of all the animals, etc., then drive for 2 more hours, when I could rent a room for the same price as gas, and sleep for a full 8 hours...so anyhow, I don't come home after work on Thursdays.

So I had been gone for pretty much two days. I walked in the door, the garbage was overflowing, and virtually every single dish in the house had been used. The animals' food and water bowls were empty, and there were pop cans everywhere. I reminded myself to "lower my expectations" and so I wasn't in too bad of a mood. I went into the bedroom. There's snack wrappers, pop cans, and other garbage all over the room. It's disgusting. But what really got me was there was DH, snoozing away, without his CPAP machine. It made me upset that not only could he not do one darn thing to help me out in two days, but he wasn't doing what he needed to do to work on getting better, either. I set my alarm for 9:30 so that I could wake him up for Spenders, because I knew he wouldn't. I was already dreading trying to wake him up, because I knew he had been up until 4 am playing the Sims game.

When 9:30 came, I was very groggy after only 2 1/2 hours of sleep, but I woke him up. And he fell back asleep. So I woke him up again. Same thing. Then I really started to get crabby. It's not like he didn't know he was going to have to get up this morning, Spenders is every week. Then he had excuses again, just like that other time. I wouldn't let it drop, though, because we had that agreement that while he was at Spenders he was going to sell the gun.

I went out into the living room to get my credit card back. Surprise, surprise, he had taken $40 more than I told him to. I couldn't believe it and I could. I want so much to be able to trust him with something like that. And after I came up with money I couldn't afford to spend, to fix a problem that I warned him not to do in the first place, he wasn't willing or able to hold up his end of the bargain. I can't describe how I felt at this point. I started to get dressed, because I would sell that gun and get my money back, if he wasn't going to. When he realized what I was doing, he got really angry, kind of like a repeat of that other day when I tried to get him up for Spenders, and he jumped out of bed, started slamming things around, and stormed out the door with the gun. Jim sleepily followed him. They drove off.

I went back to sleep. I was beyond angry. I think what I was feeling was more like a big sigh, like there just was no point in trying any more. I was so fed up. About two hours later, he called and angrily told me he was just about out of gas, and implying that somehow that was my fault (of course it is). I started to ask him where he was and he hung up on me. So I got up, grabbed a gas can and left to help. I called him from the gas station, and told him that I was bringing gas, and he told me that he "found three dollars in his pocket" and didn't need any. And hung up on me again. At this point I went back home, took my ring off, and argued with dd for a while about why I didn't think she should stay overnight with her bio mom. Then I went out to duck and cluck (feed the ducks and chickens) and I guess as soon as I went outside, DD was trying to get her bio mom to argue with me, too. I guess it was just an "argue with Carol" day.

I put my foot down with dd, told her she could go for three hours and that was my final offer, she took that. After I dropped her off at her bio mom's, I had to go and set up my mom's pills for the week, and when I got there, her toilet was overflowing, so she was in a tizzy, too. But the "helper" came and fixed it quickly, so there really was no problem.....but then I stayed and put the bathroom rugs in the wash, and I put on Lawrence Welk, and then Andy Griffith, to help her calm down. Then I went home again.

When I got home, Jim was getting something out of his car, I asked him if he was ok, and he said yeah, he was just getting some change(?). I don't know what DH has told him, but I suppose that even if he thinks DH is being stupid, as a good friend, he'll try to help....DH said "I'm leaving, your cell phone is on the counter." (because I bought the cell phone for him, and of course I pay the bill). So I just said, "ok, bye."

I don't think that was the response he was hoping to get from me, but I am so sick of the arguing and trying to get him to do smart things, I just didn't care at that moment, whether he ever came back, as long as Jim was with him to make sure he was safe. So they drove off, and about 5 minutes later came back, DH took some of his pills. He asked me, in an insolent tone, "Do you wanna talk?" and I said "No, I don't want to talk to "that guy", I'll wait until DH shows back up."
He said, "I AM DH!" And I said "no you're not."

So they left again. And I went and picked up dd and told her I wasn't sure if Dad would be coming home or not, but I suspect he'll be back as soon as he's sure I've gone to work. I keep thinking about how much easier things would be if he stayed someplace else for a few weeks. But I've wished that before, and it doesn't happen.

It's become clear that I am going to need to be assertive with him, if he wants this marriage to continue. I am going to need to make some rules, and he is going to have to follow them, whether he thinks I'm a big meanie or whatever.

It's just so hard for me to do this to my DH, who I love and respect so much. In our "normal" marriage, I would never ever have dreamed of giving him ultimatums, or telling him he has to "do this, or else". That's not me. I have always wanted a partnership where I didn't have to be like that ever. That was how the first 5 or 6 years of our marriage were. Where I could say "I wish things were like this" and he would say "Well, let's figure out a way to do that, then".

And he would say "this is important to me." "Can we make it work?" And I would work hard to compromise. We never argued. We would disagree sometimes, but we never argued, we would just find a way to keep us both mostly happy. It just pains me so much to think about turning this marriage into a dictatorship. I don't know if I can do it.

On a related note, dd's therapist has been urging me for some time to have Social Services assign DH a caseworker to take some of the stress off of me. I've been resisting, telling myself that he is getting better, and he's not so bad that he needs that kind of help....but I'm sad to say, I think it's finally come to that point.

I'll put my ring on again eventually. But not today.

That bipolar guy....sigh

He's still here. "That guy", that is. Let me tell you what has transpired between yesterday and today.....

Remember when he pawned that gun that I told him not to? Here's the related links, in case you don't. (Link 1) (Link 2). Well, as I expected, he has not been able to get the gun out of hock. It's come down to where he is about to lose the $1300 gun for a $250 pawn for pop and cigs.

To avoid this, his proposition was that I would take a cash advance on my credit card (the pawn shop doesn't take credit cards) to get it out of hock, then we would go right to the sporting goods store and sell it for whatever. I didn't want to do it, but it makes no sense to me not to, because he can probably get about $500 or so at the sporting goods store, who will then sell it for $1300.....but if I don't cough up the cash, then the gun won't bring anything now.

I really wish that he had listened to me when I begged him not to do this. I cannot stress this enough.

What I wound up doing was this: I gave him my credit card. I instructed him to get a cash advance for $300, and then get the gun back. (I was at work, so I didn't have time to be involved.) I told him I need receipts for everything, and that we would go to the sporting goods store on Saturday, as it's in the same city as Spenders. Then he would pay me back so that I can pay back the credit card right away, and he will have a couple of extra dollars to buy his stupid pop and chew and cigs....

Then I gave him $20 for gas, so that he could go and get the free food while I worked. And I gave him $20 spending money. He spent $10 of that on a prescription, but he still had $10 of spending money.

So today he called me up and says: "I'm at Holiday." "I picked up DD from her friend's house and my gas gauge is on E, and I don't think I'm going to make it home."

So I said this: "Use the credit card and put $5 in."

And he said this: "But....OK." click.

He hung up on me. Apparently I am not giving "that guy" enough money!!!!!! I'm starting to get kind of scared, as I cannot keep doing this indefinitely. I thought I could carry us for a while, but if this is going to be a "forever" thing, I don't know how to do it. We've already got one of the cheapest houses we could get, I'm working tons, spending little, but I'm drowning. And today, as I listen to all the stories about inflation and how the economy is tanking, etc., I start thinking about "how am I going to do this?" And I have never been so financially insecure in my life.

A shocking story about the Armed Forces and Mental Illness

I found this article while I was looking for something else, and I thought some of you might be interested in it. It made me very angry.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/01/AR2007120101782.html

'A Soldier's Officer'
by Dana Priest and Anne Hull
Washington Post Staff Writers
Sunday, December 2, 2007; A01

In a nondescript conference room at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, 1st Lt. Elizabeth Whiteside listened last week as an Army prosecutor outlined the criminal case against her in a preliminary hearing. The charges: attempting suicide and endangering the life of another soldier while serving in Iraq.
Her hands trembled as Maj. Stefan Wolfe, the prosecutor, argued that Whiteside, now a psychiatric outpatient at Walter Reed, should be court-martialed. After seven years of exemplary service, the 25-year-old Army reservist faces the possibility of life in prison if she is tried and convicted.
Military psychiatrists at Walter Reed who examined Whiteside after she recovered from her self-inflicted gunshot wound diagnosed her with a severe mental disorder, possibly triggered by the stresses of a war zone. But Whiteside's superiors considered her mental illness "an excuse" for criminal conduct, according to documents obtained by The Washington Post.
At the hearing, Wolfe, who had already warned Whiteside's lawyer of the risk of using a "psychobabble" defense, pressed a senior psychiatrist at Walter Reed to justify his diagnosis.
"I'm not here to play legal games," Col. George Brandt responded angrily, according to a recording of the hearing. "I am here out of the genuine concern for a human being that's breaking and that is broken. She has a severe and significant illness. Let's treat her as a human being, for Christ's sake!"
In recent months, prodded by outrage over poor conditions at Walter Reed, the Army has made a highly publicized effort to improve treatment of Iraq veterans and change a culture that stigmatizes mental illness. The Pentagon has allocated hundreds of millions of dollars to new research and to care for soldiers with post-traumatic stress disorder, and on Friday it announced that it had opened a new center for psychological health in Rosslyn.
But outside the Pentagon, the military still largely deals with mental health issues in an ad hoc way, often relying on the judgment of combat-hardened commanders whose understanding of mental illness is vague or misinformed. The stigma around psychological wounds can still be seen in the smallest of Army policies. While family members of soldiers recovering at Walter Reed from physical injuries are provided free lodging and a per diem to care for their loved ones, families of psychiatric outpatients usually have to pay their own way.
"It's a disgrace," said Tom Whiteside, a former Marine and retired federal law enforcement officer who lost his free housing after his daughter's physical wounds had healed enough that she could be moved to the psychiatric ward. A charity organization, the Yellow Ribbon Fund, provides him with an apartment near Walter Reed so he can be near his daughter.
Under military law, soldiers who attempt suicide can be prosecuted under the theory that it affects the order and discipline of a unit and brings discredit to the armed forces. In reality, criminal charges are extremely rare unless there is evidence that the attempt was an effort to avoid service or that it endangered others.
At one point, Elizabeth Whiteside almost accepted the Army's offer to resign in lieu of court-martial. But it meant she would have to explain for the rest of her life why she was not given an honorable discharge. Her attorney also believed that she would have been left without the medical care and benefits she needed.
No decision has yet been made on whether Whiteside's case will proceed to court-martial. The commander of the U.S. Army Military District of Washington, Maj. Gen. Richard J. Rowe Jr., who has jurisdiction over the case, "must determine whether there is sufficient evidence to support the charges against Lieutenant Whiteside and recommend how to dispose of the charges," said his spokesman.'A Soldier's Officer'
A valedictorian at James Madison High School in Vienna, a wrestler and varsity soccer player, Whiteside followed in her father's footsteps by joining the military. She enlisted in the Army Reserve in 2001 and later joined ROTC while studying economics at the University of Virginia. During her time in college, Whiteside said, she experienced periods of depression, but she graduated and was commissioned an officer in the Army Reserve.
In 2005, she received her first assignment as an officer -- at Walter Reed. As an executive officer of a support company, she supervised 150 soldiers and officers, and her evaluations from that time presaged the high marks she would receive most of her career.
"This superior officer is in the top 10 percent of Officers I have worked with in my 16 years of military service," wrote her rater, Capt. Joel Grant. She "must be promoted immediately, ahead of all peers."
Maj. Sandra Hersh, her senior rater, added: "She's a Soldier's Officer. . . . She is able to get the best from Soldiers and make it look easy."
Seeing so many casualties at Walter Reed made Whiteside feel she was not bearing her full responsibility, she said, so she volunteered for Iraq. When she left in the fall of 2006, she carried with her a gift from her father -- the double-bladed buck knife he had used in Vietnam.
Whiteside was assigned as a platoon leader in the 329th Medical Company (Ground Ambulance) at the Camp Cropper detainee prison near Baghdad International Airport. The hot light from the Abu Ghraib abuse scandal still charged the atmosphere at Cropper, which housed 4,000 detainees and included high-security prisoners such as Saddam Hussein and Ali Hassan Majeed, known as "Chemical Ali," as well as suspected terrorists and insurgents.
Whiteside, given the radio handle "Trauma Mama," supervised nine medics who worked the night shift at the prison. She was in charge of dispatching drivers, medics and support staff to transport sick and wounded Iraqis and U.S. troops around the prison and to a small hospital inside.
"I loved our mission," Whiteside said, "because it represented the best of America: taking care of the enemy, regardless of what they are doing to us."
The hours were brutal. Whiteside ate one meal a day, slept in two four-hour shifts and worked seven days a week. Her superiors credited her with her unit's success. "She has produced outstanding results in one of the most demanding and challenging Combat Zones," her commander, Lt. Col. Darlene McCurdy, wrote in her evaluation.
But the dynamics outside her unit were rockier. From the beginning, Whiteside and some of her female soldiers had conflicts with one of the company's male officers. They believed he hindered female promotions and undercut Whiteside's authority with her soldiers, according to Army investigative documents.
As the tensions with the officer increased, Whiteside said, she began suffering panic attacks. She stopped sleeping, she said, and started self-medicating with NyQuil and Benadryl, but decided against seeking help from the mental health clinic because she feared that the Army would send her home, as it had recently done with a colonel.
On Dec. 30, U.S. military officials took Hussein from his cell at Camp Cropper for execution. The next day, the prison erupted. Thousands of inmates rioted, and military police used rubber bullets, flash-bang grenades and tear gas to restore order.
Whiteside took charge in the chaos, according to written statements by troops in her unit. She dispatched a pair of medics to each compound to begin triage, handed out gas masks and organized her unit to smuggle the prison's doctors out in an ambulance.
The next day, weary from the riots, Whiteside ran into the problem officer. They had another argument.
Army investigative documents describe what happened next.
At 6:20 p.m. a soldier frantically approached Maj. Ana Luisa Ramirez, a mental health nurse at the prison, and said Whiteside was "freaking out" and wanted to see Ramirez. The nurse found Whiteside sitting on her bed, mumbling and visibly upset. Ramirez left to get some medication.
Later, she spotted Whiteside in the darkened hallway with her sweatshirt hood pulled over her head and her hands in her pockets. Ramirez asked Whiteside to come into her room and noticed what appeared to be dried blood on her neck and hands. When she tried to take a closer look, Ramirez said, Whiteside pointed her sidearm, an M9 pistol, at her and "told me to move away and she locked the door," according to a statement Ramirez gave to the Army.
Ramirez tried to take Whiteside's gun, but Whiteside pushed her away and expressed her hatred of the officer she thought was sabotaging her. She grew more agitated and twice fired into the ceiling.
Nurses in the hallway began yelling, and Whiteside shouted that she wanted to kill them, the report said. She opened the door and saw armed soldiers in battle gear coming her way. Slamming the door, she discharged the weapon once into her stomach.
Whiteside says she has little recollection of the events of that night. "I remember bits and pieces," she said. She declined to comment on whether she was trying to kill herself.
The medics who responded to the shooting scene were Whiteside's own crew.Recovering at Walter Reed
Whiteside was still unconscious when she arrived at Walter Reed a few days later. The bullet had ripped through one of her lungs, her liver, her spleen and several other organs. Her parents and siblings kept a round-the-clock bedside vigil, and her condition gradually improved. Within two weeks an Army criminal investigator showed up in her hospital room, but a doctor shooed him away.
After a month, Whiteside was moved to Ward 54, the hospital's lockdown psychiatric unit, where she was diagnosed with a severe major depressive disorder and a personality disorder. According to a statement by an Army psychiatrist, she was suffering from a disassociation with reality.
Tom Whiteside visited his daughter every afternoon, bringing pizza or Chinese takeout. He often noticed from the sign-in sheet that he was the only visitor on the ward. The psych patients formed a close bond and shared an overriding fear: that the Army would drum them out with no benefits.
One soldier Whiteside befriended was a 20-year-old private named Sammantha Owen-Ewing. Intelligent and funny, Owen-Ewing was training to be a nurse when she suffered mental problems and was admitted to Ward 54. She was still receiving psychiatric care at Walter Reed when the Army abruptly discharged her. According to her husband, she was dropped off at a nearby hotel with a plane ticket.
While on Ward 54, Whiteside received a package from her crew in Iraq. Inside was a silver charm, inscribed with the crew members' names and the message: "Know that you are always loved by us. Never be forgotten and dearly missed. Your Trauma Team." The crew also wore "Trauma Mama" bracelets in solidarity.
After being released from Ward 54, Whiteside joined the outpatient ranks just as the Army was scrambling to overhaul its system for treating wounded soldiers and President Bush ordered a commission to study military care for Iraq veterans.
At Walter Reed, the Army brought in combat-experienced officers to replace the recovering patients whom it had asked to manage the lives of the 700 outpatients on post. The new Warrior Transition Brigade and its more experienced leaders were supposed to manage more adeptly the tension between soldiering and patient recovery.
It was Whiteside's commanders in this unit, a captain and a colonel, who drew up criminal charges against her in April. The accusations included assault on a superior commissioned officer, aggravated assault, kidnapping, reckless endangerment, wrongful discharge of a firearm, communication of a threat and two attempts of intentional self-injury without intent to avoid service.
The Army ordered Whiteside to undergo a sanity board evaluation to determine her state of mind at the time of the shooting.
Tom Whiteside said the criminal charges threatened to unglue his daughter's already tenuous grip on recovery. "If they are doing this to her, what are they doing to those young PFCs without parents by their side?" he asked.
By early August, Elizabeth Whiteside sought an alternative to court-martial. She requested permission to resign, a measure the military often accepts.
Rowe, commander of the U.S. Army Military District of Washington, which has jurisdiction over her case, would decide whether to grant her request.
He reviewed recommendations from Whiteside's two commanders at Walter Reed and the facility's commander, Maj. Gen. Eric B. Schoomaker, a physician. Whiteside's immediate commander at the hospital, a captain, recommended that she be given an "other than honorable" discharge, according to a document obtained by The Post. The captain wrote that her "defense that she suffers from a mental disease excusing her actions is just that . . . an excuse; an excuse to distract from choices and decisions made by 1LT Whiteside."
Col. Terrence J. McKenrick, commander of the Warrior Transition Brigade, agreed: "Although the sanity board determined that at the time of the misconduct she had a severe mental disease or defect, she knowingly assaulted and threatened others and injured herself."
Schoomaker, now the Army's surgeon general, dissented. "This officer has a demonstrably severe depression which manifested itself . . . as a psychotic, self-destructive episode. . . . Resignation in lieu of court-martial eliminates all of the benefits of medical support this officer deserves after 7 years of credible and honorable service."
Rowe overruled Schoomaker. He agreed to accept Whiteside's resignation with a "general under honorable conditions" discharge that would still deprive her of most benefits, according to her pro bono civilian attorney, Matthew J. MacLean.
But then, from her battalion commander in Iraq, Whiteside learned that an investigation there had concluded that there was "insufficient evidence for any criminal action to be taken against" her. Furthermore, it had found a hostile command climate and recommended that the officer who had been her nemesis be removed from his position and "given a letter of reprimand for gender bias in assignments and use of intimidation, manipulation and hostility towards soldiers."
With this news, Whiteside asked that her letter of resignation be withdrawn. She would fight the charges.
In an e-mail exchange, the prosecutor, Wolfe, told MacLean that even if Whiteside won in court she would probably end up stigmatized and in a mental institution, just like John Hinckley, the man who shot President Ronald Reagan.
Wolfe suggested that the military court might not buy the mental illness defense. "Who doesn't find psycho-babble unclear . . . how many people out there believe that insanity should never be a defense, that it is just, as he said, an 'excuse.' "Awaiting a Decision
Whiteside lived with other outpatient soldiers in a building on the grounds of Walter Reed. She kept her quarters neat and orderly. As her preliminary hearing approached, she often went to bed at 8 p.m. to sleep away her impending reality. She attended morning formation and medical appointments. On weekends she hung out with her clique from Ward 54, "my little posse of crazy soldiers," as Whiteside called them.
She still had the innate ability to motivate soldiers. To pass time one recent Sunday, Whiteside drove a small group of outpatients to go bowling at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda. "You can do better," she told a young private who was a terrible bowler. "We'll pool our energy together and get a strike."
Whiteside also offered encouragement over the phone to her friend Sammantha Owen-Ewing, the soldier she befriended on Ward 54 who had been abruptly dismissed from the Army. Sammantha was waiting to see if she could receive her care from the Department of Veterans Affairs.
Whiteside feared the same fate.
At the hearing, the testimony focused on Whiteside's state of mind at the time of her shooting. The hearing officer would have seven days to make a recommendation on whether to dismiss the charges, offer a lesser punishment or go to court-martial. The final decision will be Rowe's.
A psychiatrist who performed Whiteside's sanity board evaluation testified that he found the lieutenant insane at the time of the shooting. One of the doctors said that Whiteside had a "severe mental disease or affect" and that she "did not appreciate the nature and quality of her actions." Brandt, chief of Behavioral Health Services in Walter Reed's Department of Psychiatry, testified that Whiteside was "grappling with holding on to her sanity," adding: "She was right on the edge, and she fell off."
Wolfe made his argument for a court-martial. "These are very serious charges," he said. "The more serious the crime, the higher level it must be disposed of. . . . The government's position is it should be a court-martial."
When the hearing ended, Whiteside walked outside into the cold. Her phone buzzed with a text message from the husband of her friend Sammantha, asking Whiteside to call right away.
Sammantha had hung herself the night before.
On Friday, Whiteside and her father flew to Utah for the funeral. Yesterday, after a service at a small Mormon church, Sammantha Owen-Ewing was buried.
Grief-stricken by the death of her friend and bitter at the Army, Whiteside awaits the Army's decision this week.
"I can fight them," she said, "because I'm alive."

Staff researcher Julie Tate and photographer Michel du Cille contributed to this report.

He's still really down

Sometimes I just feel so defeated. I know that the choice(s) he has made are his, and I shouldn't feel so upset about that, but I'm really worried that he is going to alienate everyone that cares about him, and he isn't going to have a clue what happened--like Jason, who seems to be "not quite as eager to hang out" as he once was....after DH basically spent him dry, and then joked about it...

Let's see....he's stolen from me, lied to me....mooched huge amounts of money from every person who has mentioned they have access to some....spent the money his mom gave him for filing bankruptcy--and it didn't get spent on bankruptcy-- lied about that....he pawned his brother's deer rifle, and today I found out that he did pawn his own $1300 deer rifle (the one that I urged him not to pawn) too. I have said before that him not having that gun isn't that big of a deal to me; if he doesn't have any guns, then he will have a harder time shooting himself....but I know he won't get it back, and also, his mom had told him that she wanted to use the gun for collateral for the bankruptcy money that doesn't exist any more, to assure that he would pay her back. I just think that once everyone really starts to realize what is up, things are going to hit the fan, and more people besides Jason are going to throw their hands up and say "I can't do this any more".

And when I try to say anything about that to DH, I am the "bad guy". The "meanie" who won't give him any money. Even though I have a credit card (rolling my eyes)....I just wish I knew how to handle this better. He is so sure that he is making good decisions. So sure, that he is absolutely offended that I would even consider the possibility that his decisions aren't the best ones. I absolutely hate watching him do this. And it's so hard to not be able to just say to him, "Look. Most people can survive without pop." No matter how I word it, it turns out that he just can't. (survive).

Tonight I feel like it's all so hopeless. I wish he'd just get so mad at me for not giving him money that he'd go and move in with his mom or his brother or someone....I don't want a divorce, not really....I just want him to go away and be someone else's problem for a few days.

Well, I found out

And he's right, I'm not happy.

Remember that five bucks I wouldn't give him?

Well, apparently he "needed" pop so bad, he pawned his brother's deer rifle.

And then he blamed me. "You've been getting so mad when I ask you for money, I just wanted to be able to buy my own pop for once." "And I was almost out of gas too." I have absolutely no idea where all that gas went that I bought three days ago went. I don't go through that much gas on all my commuting, even allowing that his car doesn't get as good of mileage as mine. I really wonder what on earth he did with all that gas.

But his brother's gun???? Isn't that stealing??? Again???? I didn't point that out to him, but I thought it, loud and clear.

I asked him how on earth he was going to get it back. First he said his brother wouldn't notice, then he said that Jim was going to give him money when he gets his taxes back (which is going to be three months from now, or somewhere along those lines....)

Then I tried to gently explain to DH that he "needs" a lot of things that most people can live without. Of course everything I said, he had an excuse for, and I am a big meanie. Because I am the one who gets so mad. I really really really wanted to say "maybe you should ask Jim about these differing points of view", but I knew it would be unfair to get Jim involved. Jim has never said anything directly to me about DH's spending, but sometimes when DH asks for money for stupid stuff, Jim catches my eye and I know he sees it for what it is....

Then in this sobby voice, DH says "I'm trying to look for a job..." and I had to bite my tongue in order to not say, "all you had to do was call the casino lady. You turned that down. And you haven't exactly been pounding the pavement, either." In the last two weeks he has applied for exactly three jobs. One of them he for sure didn't get. One was the casino job that he didn't want. And one was supposed to call him today to let him know, but they didn't call back. He was so sure that he had that one, that he had already spent his entire first paycheck in his mind. And that's the extent of the job search. I didn't say anything, because I am sure that in his mind, he has been working super-hard to find a job and I'm just not being understanding enough.

So ultimately, DH is suicidal again, because I am mad about the spending, and I am mean and selfish.

I made him promise not to hurt himself. He really didn't want to promise that, but he did. I will call back in about 15 minutes for an update. (just to ease my mind).

I am finding, that I am falling into his guilt trip thing a lot less than I used to. My expectations are reasonable, I am pretty sure. If you are reading this, and you think I am not being reasonable, please comment or email me, because maybe I haven't considered everything, or maybe I'm being more selfish than I realize....but I don't think I am.

"That Guy" came over today :-(

Well, I've kind of skipped over a few events lately, I'll try to catch you up so you aren't stuck asking questions because I assumed you were all mind readers.....

Thursday was "free food" day, and I was able to convince DH to go with me and there was a LOT of food. Plus they gave away shampoo and cold medicine too. It will all really help a lot, and I think DH was rather impressed. Plus, I thought, it was a good way for him to help "provide" without spending money.

On Saturday, we were supposed to go to Spenders Anonymous, but DH wouldn't get out of bed. No matter how I tried. I was so angry!!! Just the night before, he had been talking about how much he thought it would help him and all that....but when it came right down to going, he just couldn't. I tried to be understanding.

Then we had a talk about how the organization that finds mentally ill people a job had found him a job at our local casino, doing janitorial work. And the benefits were going to be amazing. Way better than we've got through my work. The lady had said all he had to do was call her up and he would be hired. But he won't call her up because he doesn't want anyone to recognize him doing that kind of work. This is the bipolar logic again, because I just can't believe that DH, when in his right mind, would choose not to have a job, for fear of "being seen", but still I'm stretching every little penny, working 2 jobs and so on....anyhow, so he still isn't working and doesn't want a job where someone might see him.

Then last night, we went to a Keith Urban concert. I like Keith Urban, but there was no way I could have afforded tickets to go see him, but my friend at work had won a couple of them and she had already bought tickets, so we got free tickets to the concert. DH was complaining before we left about how he didn't have any cigs or chew or pop or gas for his car (we were driving my car to the concert) and could I please buy him some chew? So we got to the concert and paid for parking and I gave him all the money I had left, $9. Enought for chew AND generic cigs too.

So we got into the arena for the concert, and DH realized he needed a pill to calm down. I started looking for a drinking fountain for him, and he took off before I found one, and he came back with a regular 20 oz bottle of Coke. HE SPENT $4 ON A LITTLE BOTTLE OF COKE. I took a deep breath and just let it go, because I had given him the money, it was his to do whatever with. So we saw the concert and then headed home. Regarding what happened after the concert, well, that's another post, probably a long one.

Anyhow, today (mind you it is only the day after I gave him the $9), he told me that he has no money for cigs, no money for chew, no money for pop, and no gas. I told him that I gave him everything I had yesterday. He got all offended like, because "he wasn't asking for money". Then he decided that he was going to sell his $1300 gun at the pawn shop so that he could get money for cigs. That really bothered me, not because I like the gun or anything, if anything, I'd like it to be gone. But he might get a couple of hundred dollars at the pawn shop on a really good day. And with deer season over with, there probably won't be a really good day for quite a while. And with him not working and not wanting to work, I am not going to be able to help him get that gun back, and he is probably not going to have the money to get it back either. Anyhow, I tried to point out that the gun is too valuable to get rid of for some cigs and he got all mad because I'm wrong.

What I really wanted to say was "You need to cut down on your vices." "you need to smoke cheaper cigs and not gripe about it" "Maybe when someone gives you money, you should carefully consider what your needs are before you go and spend half of it on a bottle of pop." "Especially when water is free." But of course I didn't.

Jim was there too, and I could tell from the expression on his face that he was thinking the same things, but he didn't say anything either.

Anyhow, so DH was mad about not having his "needs" met, and DD didn't put her clean laundry away fast enough and DH cursed at her and made her cry. Then DH got even more angry and came out in the living room and told me he was going to go for a ride in his car (yes, the one that doesn't have any gas). I recommended that he take a Lorazepam to calm down and he told me he'd take it after the drive. So he stormed out of the house, and got in the car and drove off. He must've realized he was out of gas, though, because he came home almost right away and sat in the driveway sulking.

So then I was making supper. We had gotten some restaurant quality Alfredo sauce from the free food thing, so I was making fettuccine alfredo. He asked me what we were going to have for meat. I said there would be enough to fill us up without meat and he got upset at that and wanted me to use some chicken breasts. I told him that if we saved the chicken breasts, then we'd have another filling meal at a different time. He wasn't satisfied, of course. Then he asked what we were having with the fettuccine and I told him I was going to make a little salad. He didn't want that either and started making me feel like I don't love him because I'm not making a Caesar salad instead. So because I knew he was already really unreasonable, I made the stupid salad that he wanted, then when it came time to eat, he wasn't happy because I hadn't made enough salad. (Never mind the fact that there were lots of other foods on the table).

Then before I left for work he came out to the kitchen and told me he had taken a Lorazepam, and he felt better. And that he was sorry. I'm still kind of angry. I didn't get married to be treated like this!!! I just hate days like this, there's just no way you can argue with someone who's mentally ill, things that make sense to me don't make sense to him, and things that make sense to him are not very sensible. Is my frustration showing?

Bipolar hunting solution

I think we have worked out a solution to the deer hunting situation that I can live with.

The guns will be locked at all times, with DH's friend in possession of the key(s). The guns will only be unlocked for hunting, and if DH's friend or I determine that we are concerned about his mental state at the time, the guns will remain locked. After hunting season, the guns will go back to my mother-in-law's house. DH agrees that he is ok with this. I think he believes that I am on some kind of power trip, out to just boss him around or something. When I made it clear that I really don't care what happens to the guns as long as he can be refused access to them if his mental state dictates, he seemed to be less angry, but I still think he doesn't really get it, that this is not me being the "controlling bully" (that's what he has called me in the past, when I've tried to get him to see that certain things that I advocate are in his best interest(s)).

That's been the toughest thing about this whole mental illness thing, HE expects that I (and everyone else) treat him as if he was a normally-functioning adult, and becomes angry when that isn't the case. Even when it is pointed out that right now, he is not a normally-functioning adult, it doesn't matter. So, sometimes I give in to the benefit of a doubt, and treat him as if he was a normally-functioning person, and I end up disappointed, because he continually fails to hold up his end of the bargain. And then the next time it happens, he doesn't remember it at all, so we do it all again.

I always thought that a person with, say, depression, was just sad all the time, or maybe slept a lot. I thought that a person with bipolar was either really really happy or really really sad. Nobody ever told me about this "losing touch with reality" stuff, and the fact that I see it is bad, but the fact that he DOESN'T see it, is even worse.

Bipolar deer hunting

We live in a rural area, in the "north woods". The unspoken culture of our area is "All real men go deer hunting. People who don't hunt aren't real men." Basically if you are a male over the age of 12 and have to functioning legs, you are expected to hunt.

The problem I have been having is this: Deer season starts in early November. In March, I took DH's guns away because he was suicidal. Now he wants them back for hunting season. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't, because he is still not mentally stable, although I don't THINK he's suicidal, I'm not absolutely positive about that. But for me to refuse to allow him to have his guns or go hunting or whatever, that is tantamount to me taking away a claim to his manhood and while I don't have a problem with that, he is getting very angry about the possibility. I don't know what to do. I go back and forth. On the good days, I am absolutely positive that it would be fine for him to be hunting, and on the not-so-good days, I'm scared to death of the prospect. It's a horrible place to be in.

And I hate being the "grownup" in our relationship. I hate making the decisions because he doesn't make good ones. Today I'm just tired of worrying about all of it. It's times like this that I just get sick and tired of being married and wish he would just go somewhere else. I know I'll probably get over that, but right now, that's how I feel.