If only things could stay this way!

"That Guy" is still missing in action. Today DH got up an hour early so that he wouldn't miss his Spenders meeting. When he got home, once again, he told me how happy he was that he had gone to the meeting, as he had forced himself to see that he had put his own selfishness and greed above virtually every relationship that he has--he owes money to everybody who knows him at all, hasn't paid anyone back, has lied to me, lied to his mom, and pawned his brother's gun, and he told me that when he looked at his behavior from the outside, he could see that he had become someone he wasn't proud of, and wouldn't want to be friends with. I'm not really sure how monumental this realization is, because to me it just sounds like he's feeling bad about the things that he's done, which is not only not the point, but feeling bad about those things is not something new.

DH has felt bad and remorseful (after the fact) about everything that's happened with his bipolar illness. I think that contributes to a lot of his depression, the fact that he's done a lot of unbelievably selfish things and he doesn't understand his behavior when he is "somewhat stable".

I don't really want him to feel bad about anything. I do want him to recognize what has happened and hopefully learn some skills so that those things don't happen again. And I know that he will feel bad as he examines his behavior, but that is certainly not the goal. So, even though DH thinks he had some kind of a breakthrough at Spenders, I'm not sure that it's really that big of a deal.

But I have to say this: When he comes home from Spenders, he is ALWAYS DH. "That Guy", if he does go to Spenders, never comes home from there. In other words, the Spenders meetings seem to help DH to think more rationally and more like a stable person. And that in itself is worth every minute of those meetings, even if he doesn't get anything else out of it.

I also told him that if the job isn't "happening" right now, that he needs to find a volunteer job. One that's structured, where they will say "You start at 8am and get done at noon." That way, even if it's only once or twice a week, he'd have something to get out of bed for, to feel productive again, even if there's no paycheck. And today, while "That Guy" was on vacation, DH thought it was a great idea, and even said that he thinks he will volunteer "until" he finds a paying job.

But I'm sure "That Guy" won't agree, when he gets back from wherever he went.

Well, "That Guy" took a break.

DH came back and once again was my regular DH. He told me that he doesn't know why he did that, that he knows we had "a deal" and that it was reasonable for me to expect him to follow through. He also said that he had no intention of "ripping me off", but I knew that all along. He NEVER has any intention of hurting me, it's just that things happen and he "doesn't get around to it"....like my Christmas present, which I didn't get yet.

It has occurred to me while I've been contemplating all of this, that maybe I've been looking at things backwards. I tend to think of my DH as being there all the time unless "That Guy" shows up, but maybe what I need to do is look at "That Guy" as being there all the time unless "DH" shows up. That would help me to keep my expectations low, I think. I'm going to try it, but so far I haven't been able to do it. I look at him and see DH. It's going to be quite a change to look at him and think it's "That Guy" right off the bat, without waiting for his behavior to prove it to me....oh--one more thing???? DH did sell the gun, he did get $500 for it, so he gave me $400, which covered the original $300 that I expected to be taking off my credit card, and then the extra money he took, too. So financially, this time, after my tantrum (and his), the finances are pretty much at the status quo--except that he has a little money to spend on pop and cigs for now.....

Today I took my ring off.

I guess a lot of people reading this are going to say "you should've known better, how many times does it take for you to learn?" I guess I'm a slow learner.

I got home from work this morning at 7am. I think I've mentioned before that on Thursday nights I sleep over in the city, because it doesn't make sense to drive for two hours, sleep for 4 hours, take care of all the animals, etc., then drive for 2 more hours, when I could rent a room for the same price as gas, and sleep for a full 8 hours...so anyhow, I don't come home after work on Thursdays.

So I had been gone for pretty much two days. I walked in the door, the garbage was overflowing, and virtually every single dish in the house had been used. The animals' food and water bowls were empty, and there were pop cans everywhere. I reminded myself to "lower my expectations" and so I wasn't in too bad of a mood. I went into the bedroom. There's snack wrappers, pop cans, and other garbage all over the room. It's disgusting. But what really got me was there was DH, snoozing away, without his CPAP machine. It made me upset that not only could he not do one darn thing to help me out in two days, but he wasn't doing what he needed to do to work on getting better, either. I set my alarm for 9:30 so that I could wake him up for Spenders, because I knew he wouldn't. I was already dreading trying to wake him up, because I knew he had been up until 4 am playing the Sims game.

When 9:30 came, I was very groggy after only 2 1/2 hours of sleep, but I woke him up. And he fell back asleep. So I woke him up again. Same thing. Then I really started to get crabby. It's not like he didn't know he was going to have to get up this morning, Spenders is every week. Then he had excuses again, just like that other time. I wouldn't let it drop, though, because we had that agreement that while he was at Spenders he was going to sell the gun.

I went out into the living room to get my credit card back. Surprise, surprise, he had taken $40 more than I told him to. I couldn't believe it and I could. I want so much to be able to trust him with something like that. And after I came up with money I couldn't afford to spend, to fix a problem that I warned him not to do in the first place, he wasn't willing or able to hold up his end of the bargain. I can't describe how I felt at this point. I started to get dressed, because I would sell that gun and get my money back, if he wasn't going to. When he realized what I was doing, he got really angry, kind of like a repeat of that other day when I tried to get him up for Spenders, and he jumped out of bed, started slamming things around, and stormed out the door with the gun. Jim sleepily followed him. They drove off.

I went back to sleep. I was beyond angry. I think what I was feeling was more like a big sigh, like there just was no point in trying any more. I was so fed up. About two hours later, he called and angrily told me he was just about out of gas, and implying that somehow that was my fault (of course it is). I started to ask him where he was and he hung up on me. So I got up, grabbed a gas can and left to help. I called him from the gas station, and told him that I was bringing gas, and he told me that he "found three dollars in his pocket" and didn't need any. And hung up on me again. At this point I went back home, took my ring off, and argued with dd for a while about why I didn't think she should stay overnight with her bio mom. Then I went out to duck and cluck (feed the ducks and chickens) and I guess as soon as I went outside, DD was trying to get her bio mom to argue with me, too. I guess it was just an "argue with Carol" day.

I put my foot down with dd, told her she could go for three hours and that was my final offer, she took that. After I dropped her off at her bio mom's, I had to go and set up my mom's pills for the week, and when I got there, her toilet was overflowing, so she was in a tizzy, too. But the "helper" came and fixed it quickly, so there really was no problem.....but then I stayed and put the bathroom rugs in the wash, and I put on Lawrence Welk, and then Andy Griffith, to help her calm down. Then I went home again.

When I got home, Jim was getting something out of his car, I asked him if he was ok, and he said yeah, he was just getting some change(?). I don't know what DH has told him, but I suppose that even if he thinks DH is being stupid, as a good friend, he'll try to help....DH said "I'm leaving, your cell phone is on the counter." (because I bought the cell phone for him, and of course I pay the bill). So I just said, "ok, bye."

I don't think that was the response he was hoping to get from me, but I am so sick of the arguing and trying to get him to do smart things, I just didn't care at that moment, whether he ever came back, as long as Jim was with him to make sure he was safe. So they drove off, and about 5 minutes later came back, DH took some of his pills. He asked me, in an insolent tone, "Do you wanna talk?" and I said "No, I don't want to talk to "that guy", I'll wait until DH shows back up."
He said, "I AM DH!" And I said "no you're not."

So they left again. And I went and picked up dd and told her I wasn't sure if Dad would be coming home or not, but I suspect he'll be back as soon as he's sure I've gone to work. I keep thinking about how much easier things would be if he stayed someplace else for a few weeks. But I've wished that before, and it doesn't happen.

It's become clear that I am going to need to be assertive with him, if he wants this marriage to continue. I am going to need to make some rules, and he is going to have to follow them, whether he thinks I'm a big meanie or whatever.

It's just so hard for me to do this to my DH, who I love and respect so much. In our "normal" marriage, I would never ever have dreamed of giving him ultimatums, or telling him he has to "do this, or else". That's not me. I have always wanted a partnership where I didn't have to be like that ever. That was how the first 5 or 6 years of our marriage were. Where I could say "I wish things were like this" and he would say "Well, let's figure out a way to do that, then".

And he would say "this is important to me." "Can we make it work?" And I would work hard to compromise. We never argued. We would disagree sometimes, but we never argued, we would just find a way to keep us both mostly happy. It just pains me so much to think about turning this marriage into a dictatorship. I don't know if I can do it.

On a related note, dd's therapist has been urging me for some time to have Social Services assign DH a caseworker to take some of the stress off of me. I've been resisting, telling myself that he is getting better, and he's not so bad that he needs that kind of help....but I'm sad to say, I think it's finally come to that point.

I'll put my ring on again eventually. But not today.

By the way, GREAT quote of the day....

In case you don't get to see it until it's gone, here it is:

"Don't order any black things. Rejoice in his memory; and be radiant: leave grief to the children. Wear violet and purple...Be patient with the poor people who will snivel: they don't know; and they think they will live for ever, which makes death a division instead of a bond."

George Bernard Shaw(1856-1950)

I know I'll still be one of those that "snivel", but I also think this is a very profound way to look at death.

That bipolar guy....sigh

He's still here. "That guy", that is. Let me tell you what has transpired between yesterday and today.....

Remember when he pawned that gun that I told him not to? Here's the related links, in case you don't. (Link 1) (Link 2). Well, as I expected, he has not been able to get the gun out of hock. It's come down to where he is about to lose the $1300 gun for a $250 pawn for pop and cigs.

To avoid this, his proposition was that I would take a cash advance on my credit card (the pawn shop doesn't take credit cards) to get it out of hock, then we would go right to the sporting goods store and sell it for whatever. I didn't want to do it, but it makes no sense to me not to, because he can probably get about $500 or so at the sporting goods store, who will then sell it for $1300.....but if I don't cough up the cash, then the gun won't bring anything now.

I really wish that he had listened to me when I begged him not to do this. I cannot stress this enough.

What I wound up doing was this: I gave him my credit card. I instructed him to get a cash advance for $300, and then get the gun back. (I was at work, so I didn't have time to be involved.) I told him I need receipts for everything, and that we would go to the sporting goods store on Saturday, as it's in the same city as Spenders. Then he would pay me back so that I can pay back the credit card right away, and he will have a couple of extra dollars to buy his stupid pop and chew and cigs....

Then I gave him $20 for gas, so that he could go and get the free food while I worked. And I gave him $20 spending money. He spent $10 of that on a prescription, but he still had $10 of spending money.

So today he called me up and says: "I'm at Holiday." "I picked up DD from her friend's house and my gas gauge is on E, and I don't think I'm going to make it home."

So I said this: "Use the credit card and put $5 in."

And he said this: "But....OK." click.

He hung up on me. Apparently I am not giving "that guy" enough money!!!!!! I'm starting to get kind of scared, as I cannot keep doing this indefinitely. I thought I could carry us for a while, but if this is going to be a "forever" thing, I don't know how to do it. We've already got one of the cheapest houses we could get, I'm working tons, spending little, but I'm drowning. And today, as I listen to all the stories about inflation and how the economy is tanking, etc., I start thinking about "how am I going to do this?" And I have never been so financially insecure in my life.

That guy back again

DH came home from an emergency meeting with his therapist and told me that his therapist thinks that the memory problems and the depression problems he's been having lately are all due to the fact that he hasn't been taking his medications like he should. (!) This was not something I was aware of until this point, and could possibly be at least part of the problem....The therapist thinks I should be in charge of the meds, but DH seems to be resisting that idea, so I'm not sure if it will work or not.

DH also had an appointment with his mental health nurse and he couldn't wake up for it. So he has a call in to her to set up another emergency appointment, and I guess I'll have to just make sure he wakes up.

Things have been frantic, as usual, around our house, Jim is still there, but he's so addicted to the Sims game, that most of the time, I don't even notice any more. He does bring in firewood, though, and he does anything I request of him.....

And despite all the hugely bad news about the economy, I've been finding some bargains at the grocery store, so we aren't hurting as much as we could be. The grocery store even had candy bars on sale for .30 each, so I splurged, and got 2 for DH, 2 for Jim, and 2 for me. I put mine in the freezer, since I tend to savor my candy, and in the process, I found a candy bar that I must've stashed in there several months ago, too. I know it's been a while, since I don't usually spend money on my own candy, and it was one of my favorites. So I had three candy bars and
that was fun. I specifically told DH that those were for me.

Anyhow, the next night, I knew DH was depressed. DD wanted me to talk to him about the possibility of her having a friend over, and I told her that "Dad is having a bad day, and it might be better to talk to him tomorrow." She did try to argue with him briefly about something unrelated, got snapped at, and told me "I guess you're right" and went to bed. I decided I was going to indulge in a candy bar. But when I opened up the fridge, of course, all three of them were gone. Part of me wasn't surprised, but part of me couldn't believe it.

"YOU ATE MY CANDY BARS!" I said, in a tone that hopefully implied that I was half laughing and half not all that happy...."No, it was Jim!!!" he said, kind of laughing back. I said "Jim wouldn't touch them, because they were mine!" So he said, "It must've been Frosty then!"
And I said, "Well, Frosty didn't even leave me a single one!!! Three candy bars and they're all gone!!!" I really wasn't all that mad, just enough where I wanted him to know that I noticed, and that I hadn't intended them for him....and at that point, he stopped speaking to me, and even when I told him jokingly (I hope) "I still love you, even though you ate my candy bars", he wouldn't answer me. I figured he was mad at me for making such a "big deal" over the candy bars and I regretted even saying anything at all, after all, I knew he was in a bad mood....

Anyhow, that was last night. This morning before work, I was talking with Jim about something unrelated, and I said something about DH being very depressed lately, and how worried I am about him. Jim looked kind of surprised, and kind of gave me a "what do you mean?" look.
So I said, "I know I shouldn't have said that about those candy bars last night, I knew he was already down, and I should've kept my mouth shut, because I made it worse." He said, "what do you mean?" and I said, "Well, you noticed he didn't speak to me at all last night?" "Yeah, I noticed that..." "Well, I think I caused that by bringing up the candy bars. And it made him even more depressed."

He gave me this "you've gotta be kidding" look, and said this: "Well, I've got some thoughts about those candy bars....when someone is working as much as you, supporting him (and me too), and wants to have a couple of thirty-cent candy bars, well, I've got some thoughts on that, and I'm going to keep them to myself."

This is the closest I have ever heard of Jim coming out and saying he doesn't approve of DH's behavior(s). And I don't know what was going on with me, hearing someone say that, acknowledging that I work hard for relatively few indulgences, well, I broke down and started to cry. I had to go into the other room so that Jim wouldn't notice. I hope he didn't, anyhow.

It's not my goal in any way to have Jim take "my side" over DH. So I don't want you to think that. I've been trying to put words to the feeling ever since this happened and so far I haven't done very well. I think I just felt good to know that somebody notices that I do these things....maybe??? If I come up with something better than that, I'll add another post.

Is it really bipolar?

I'm really starting to wonder if maybe DH's problem is due to something else, not necessarily bipolar???

It's all so strange, I'm not sure what to think. When I type in all of his symptoms on the internet, it always results in a ton of links to bipolar web sites. But a lot of his symptoms don't really fit a textbook case of bipolar, either. Like these memory problems. This morning I asked DH if he thought the memory problem that he had on the way to Spenders was just because he was drowsy, and he said, "No, it was something else completely." And he got this really scared look on his face, so I changed the subject again. That's not bipolar, from what I can tell.

And he's only 35. That's way way too young for dementia, isn't it?

I don't know what to look up to see what else it could be.

In the meantime, he did set up an appointment with the Psychiatric Nurse Practitioneer for Wednesday, so hopefully she'll have a better idea as to where to turn next....

And he has an appointment with his regular doctor on Jan. 22, and I think I want to go with, if he'll let me, just so I can listen to any test results that might be discussed (from the tests that he had done with the neuropsychologist in November). It seems kind of strange to me that nobody has called wanting to discuss the test results, and we haven't gotten any "all clear" letter from them, either (not that we were expecting that).

Today, DH has been very depressed. He's been just laying in bed, watching TV again. He's telling me that he feels "weird", "not right", and "pointless". So I've just tried to be supportive.

A question came to my mind this week, after the memory lapse on Saturday:
When I think about DH being bipolar, the fact that he is depressed, or any of his other behaviors or problems can make me so angry, even though I know with all my heart that this person is not the person I married. But still, all I can think of is how miserable he makes me.

But when I thought about him having dementia instead, suddenly I felt very guilty for being angry with him in those contexts. All I can think of is "oh, that poor guy, what can I do help?" I'm trying to decide if that is because of a deep-seeded prejudice that I have been harboring, or if maybe my mom having dementia makes it easier for me to understand? I've been trying to figure it out so that I can change how I respond to him if it turns out that we are just dealing with mental illness, as originally thought.

Today was a nice day, but I'm a worrywart

Well, DH is really staying true to his promise to go to Spenders every week without having a tantrum like he did a couple of weeks ago. He got right up this morning and went.

When he got home, he told me how glad he was that he went. He told me that today they talked about shame and DH said that he talked about some things like what a bind he has put me in and also about how his mom gave him that money to file bankruptcy and he spent it all, and he apparently also talked about the fact that he stole those gold dollars from me. I thought that was very interesting, because a lot of times I think that he has either forgotten all about that stuff, or when "That Guy" is anywhere in the vicinity, DH doesn't care who he's hurt.

Later on in the day, DH's cousin and her daughter (that's a whole other post) came to visit, and I made spaghetti. We were talking about Jason and how the dogs and cats were getting on Jason's nerves the last time he was over. I said "I have never seen Jason get irritated with the animals." And DH said, "that's because he acts different when you're around. He gets all happy and he loves the animals a lot. I'm not blowing smoke here, but I think you've got some kind of aura that makes people happy. Jason's not the only one." LOL, I told him I thought he was blowing smoke, but secretly, I thought it was a really super-nice thing to say, especially in front of his cousin and Jim, too.....see, it's things like that, well, he used to say stuff like that all the time when he was normal, where even though I know I don't have any special aura or anything, the idea that he thinks of that stuff feels really flattering and good. Unfortunatley, since the bipolar really showed up, comments like that are few and far between. But when he does make those kinds of comments, I remember why I'm married to him still, despite all the bad stuff, and I know he still loves me, even if it's not the way I envisioned.

One thing that did alarm me, though, was that about a half hour after he left for Spenders, DH called me on the phone. Here's how the conversation went, pretty shocking, and I don't know what, if anything we should be doing about it right now:

DH: Hi, I'm sorry to wake you up
Me: That's ok, what's wrong?
DH: You're not going to believe this...
Me: "Try me." I figured that he ran out of gas, or his car broke down or something like that.
DH: Um, I can't remember where I'm going. Why am I driving again?
Me: Are you serious?
DH: Yes, I can't remember where I'm going.
Me: Well, you're going to (city).
DH: Ok, but why am I going there again?
Me: "You're going to Spenders, remember?" At this point I thought maybe he was getting drowsy or something.
DH: Spenders?
Me: Yeah, at that church, you remember where it is?
DH: Yes I do. Oh honey that was so weird. I'm really shook up. All of a sudden I had no idea where I was going.

I didn't know what to say to this. I kind of told him that maybe he was just tired, but he didn't buy it. We still haven't gotten any of those results back from the neuro-psychologist that he saw back in November, and that's kind of weird, too. I'm hoping that when DH goes to his regular Dr. later this month, she'll have the results so that we'll have something to go on.

There have been some times lately, with DH's memory lapses, when I have wondered if maybe he is experiencing the beginning of some strange early-onset type of dementia. But I haven't found much at all regarding that, so for the most part, except for mildly wondering about it, I'm discounting that for now. But I think the memory problems are getting worse. And I'm too inexperienced at this to know if it's a new/different problem, or just a different manifestation of his mental illness, or if it's a side effect of his medications....?