Employment does not get rid of bipolar.

I think I mentioned this before.  DH has been working now for FOUR MONTHS!!!!  And it's going well enough (most of the time) for me to start to consider the possibility that he might stay employed for a while--after all, he's been employed for a longer period of time in our relationship than he's been unemployed....

The problem is, I start thinking that because that one problem (employment or lack thereof) is "solved" for the time being, that lots of other things should get "back to normal" too.  Unfortunately, that's not the case.  DH gets $50 worth of "fun money" per WEEK.  To me, that's a HUGE amount of money.  I suggested that amount because I wanted DH to a) be able to directly see the fruits of his labor, since I am now handling all the bills and b) give him a chance to relearn how to handle money.  I'm not sure either of my hopes have happened.  His $50 is gone within 2 days of me giving it to him--fast food, I'm guessing.  And then things happen like tonite--DH apparently snacked on all the cheese that was in the fridge.  So now it's gone.  And he wants more, because he "can't eat a sandwich without cheese".  Well, unfortunately, too bad.  The cheese was purchased for sandwiches, not for an expensive snack.  Have a peanut butter sandwich.  Or bologna with NO CHEESE.  For Pete's sake!!!! (/rant off)

And I guess I thought that the working thing (I know it was stupid to think so but...) would give him more energy to help around the house.  But I'm still mowing the lawn, taking down the garbage, laundry, etc.....

Frankly, I'm disappointed.  But I know that's not realistic.  I don't really get too angry with DH, although I do spend a lot of time trying to explain to him that if he budgeted right, he could have fast food every day of the week and have change left over....or....maybe even be able to buy something that he wants, like a CD or something....I get angry with bipolar.  As some of you've said before, sometimes it's like I have another kid and not a life partner.  But sometimes I do have a husband--just not one that can handle money any more.  Sigh.  More on this in the next post.

Here's something you probably weren't expecting....

I found out this past week that my cousin, age 35, who, up until this year, has never been much interested in girls, is moving in with his first serious girlfriend.  He's brought her to several family functions, and I have to say, I really really like her.  She fits right in and doesn't have a speck of that condescension that DH's brother's ex-wife had.  She's smart, self-reliant, and kind-hearted.  And I'm really excited for my uncle and aunt, who had pretty much written off the possibility of grandchildren at all, ever--to me, this whole thing seems very hopeful and terrific!

So what's the big secret?  I almost can't write this.  I'm blushing, actually. 

I'm jealous.

I don't want to marry my cousin or anything like that.  I'm jealous that he was willing/able to wait until he found "the" one.  I'm jealous that he's found someone that he truly has a lot in common with, someone that....ok, ok....nobody knows the future, and nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.  But I wonder, if maybe I had been choosier about who I got involved with, maybe I'd be happier?

But as I'm writing this, I realize:  I thought I did it right at the time, too.  DH was employed in a management position at a trucking firm.  He was putting away money to help send his brother to art school.  He had his own apartment.  He balanced his checkbook every day.  If he did have a balance on a credit card, he worked overtime to pay it off as fast as he could.

I'm left here thinking "What happened???"

In hindsight, there were some warning signs that I didn't understand at the time--once in a while "That Guy" would pop out, and I would say to myself "Oh, he must be having a really bad day!"  But why would I do anything else????  Sometimes I wonder, though, and I will probably never know for sure, if the mental illness just suddenly manifested itself or if it was really there the entire time and I just wasn't able to or chose not to notice it.....?  Or maybe DH was better able to hide the problems....I imagine, especially when you're dating and not living together, it's easier to "put on your best face" than it is when you are married to someone, for sure....but I still try to analyze it, try to figure out what I "should" have noticed.

So.....yes.....there's a very long post coming in the next few weeks--"Why I stay".  But every time I start writing it, I go off on tangents.  It's coming, though....

Anyhow.  I'm jealous.  Of the hopes and dreams.  Of the possibility of working as a team member, instead of the "coach".  Of the shared interests.  Potential financial security.  And of course, the big elephant in my living room, the babies.....

Nobody has a crystal ball, for sure.  My cousin and his girlfriend might end up being totally incompatible (I really hope not, though, because they seem perfect for each other).  And maybe there really wasn't much way for me to foresee how my life/marriage would turn out.  I guess tonite I'm just wishing my life was the fairy tale I thought it was going to be.

How's that for a pity party?

Well, like I thought....

My mom's cat has cancer and the tumor is causing his abdomen to fill with fluid.  They don't recommend draining it, because they say it would just come back in a day or two....

Once again, I'm not quite sure how to handle it.  My brother is not helping.  I'm faced with a lot of "options" and none of them are ideal.

1) Do I tell my mom her cat is dying?  I believe it's good to be honest, but I'm also afraid that she may become more depressed on hearing this news.  I don't want her to decide that "life's not worth living" any more.  But I'd rather tell her.

2) Do I bring the cat for a visit?  A few days ago I did bring him to the nursing home, and except for the fact that he really didn't do a lot of walking around, he acted "normal".  She enjoyed the visit and didn't want the cat (or me) to leave.  But the next day, I reminded her to tell my brother, when we called him on the phone, that she'd seen her cat, she didn't really sound too excited about it.....then today, the first thing she said to me, even before "Hi" was "How's Thor doing?"  I'd like my mom to be able to spend a few more moments with him before he goes.  But......I also don't want her to be expecting him to come every so often and then he just suddenly stops coming.

A caveat to this is that when my mom moved into the assisted living apartment, she had to give up her elderly dog (he came to live with us, too).  About 3 weeks later (and this was when DH was having his HUGE mental health issues), DH figured the dog had been at our house long enough to where he should be able to be "off-leash" (not chained up, but loose--remember, we live in the country and that is "normal" for most dogs).  Anyhow, he let my mom's dog off the leash, not realizing that the dog had some sort of dementia, too, and the little poodle mix took off down the road.  DH couldn't find him at all.  I spent about 6 hours looking for him, and finally found him running up the road.  From what I could tell, he had been running for a very long time.  But other than that, he seemed ok, and I was so relieved that I found him....brought him home, made sure he had food and water.....and the next day he was dead.  Since he didn't even get to visit my mom before he died, and my mom was a lot more "with it" back then, I kept lying about how he was "doing fine" etc....and when she came over, I'd talk about how he'd heard some gunshots and was hiding under the bed....I (of course) never brought up visits after that, and just let my mom think that I never really thought of it.....it HUGELY stressed me out to lie like that, but I didn't want her to think that I/we didn't take good care of her beloved dog.....eventually I did tell her that the dog had died, but I never told her the truth about what happened.....Now....I'm in a similar situation.  My mom has only been "officially" in the nursing home for about a month.  And here I go again, one of her pets, that is in my care, is going to be dead soon again.  Lots of thoughts and feelings related to that.

3) Today I think that the worst thing about loving a person with Alzheimer's is that you are responsible for every single decision in their life, and making the wrong decision could have dire consequences.  At the very least, every decision has the potential to be fraught with guilt.

I've been busy and busier....

I really wish there was some way I could transpose my thoughts (not all of them of course) directly to this blog without actually typing--I've been thinking about so many things I need to share with you all and I just haven't seemed to have time to actually follow through :-(

I'm not sure that any of this will be in any semblance of order, so if something seems chronologically out of whack, it's probably because I'm just spewing thoughts....

Anyhow.....I got a "new to me" car--to replace my little red Corolla that didn't make it through the deer encounter....I'm not sure if I told you or not, that the insurance company only gave me about $4000 for my car--it was a 2004, but it had 275,000 miles on it (from that darned long commute to the job that no longer exists), so they took about $3000 off for that high mileage.

So DH and I went car shopping.  Several times.  And I learned that it's really really hard to find used Toyotas.  And it's even harder to find used Toyotas that cost less than $5000.  Apparently, people tend to drive them until they drop, or until they hit deer.  So I went online and found a total of about three Corollas within a hundred miles that were in the right price range AND 2003 or newer.  It became obvious that I was going to have to "settle".  DH and I went to a nearby "big town" and went to pretty much every car lot there.  We test drove a couple of older Toyotas and a 2005 Kia Rio.  I liked it (the Kia), but I hadn't done any research on how reliable it is/was, so decided to stick to the Toyota plan until further notice.  It sounds like I made the right call there, based on what I could find online.

The next day, after finding a used car dealer that advertised several used (but older--sigh) Toyotas online, we drove to that place, about 120 miles away from home.  And drove about 10 Toyotas, from a 1991 to a 2002.  A lot of them were really junky.  Especially the "really old" ones.  But we wound up buying a baby blue 1997 Toyota Camry XLE, which is the top-of-the-line Camry.  Fully loaded, leather seats, power sunroof, etc.  Everything works except the dash light for the tachometer.  Rides like a limo.  The mechanic (who we didn't know but figured was better than nothing) we brought it to (on short notice) said he didn't see any obvious reasons why we shouldn't buy it.  So we/I did.  It's a lot bigger than my Corolla, which means that it'll get a lot worse gas mileage (and the 6 cylinder engine isn't going to help either) but I really want/need the reliability (hopefully) of a Toyota, because I'd rather spend a little extra consistently on gas than have huge unexpected repair bills every time I turn around.....anyhow, if you picture this car in baby blue, that's exactly what it looks like (I'd have taken a picture of the actual car, but it's dark out and I don't want to wait!)

I'm still really scared that it's gonna break down any minute.  The inside is so clean, I can't believe anyone ever drove it....and it's by far the most luxurious car I've ever owned.  I actually test drove it three times to make sure I wasn't being swayed by the luxury.  But compared to the other Toyotas I drove, even the 2002, it seemed a lot less worn (I hope!).  I'm glad that's over with.

One of the main reasons I haven't posted this past week is that we've been working on clearing out my mom's assisted living apartment.  It's been a lot more emotional than I anticipated.  Every time I've been over there I've ended up sobbing--even DH, who's "a man who's not supposed to cry" (according to him) broke down when he saw that they had taken her name off of the door.  I know it's been really hard on him, too.  But he's trying to be strong for me.  He's really been a help, although he's been somewhat stubborn about his ideas--one night he wanted to start moving furniture at 9:30pm, and when I said that we should wait until morning, he argued with me and sulked for the rest of the night...but he got up in the morning and moved furniture and it all worked out....anyhow....I'm not sure if we were supposed to have everything out today (7/31) or if it matters, but there are still a few boxes in the apartment and I still need to vacuum the floor and clean the oven...so I'm hoping nobody will care if I finish up on Sunday....it'll feel good to be done with that, too--then I can concentrate on just visiting with my mom.

And my mom's cat.  He's at our house right now, in DD's bedroom, because he's about 16 years old and I was worried that he might not adjust well to a house full of animals....he's been doing ok, I guess, eating and drinking....but.....today I decided to bring him to visit my mom in the nursing home, and I noticed that his meow had changed.  In my experience that is never a good thing.  I observed (and I may have mentioned this before) that his belly is very very large, but you can feel his bones.  It doesn't appear that he's jaundiced (which would explain the large belly [ascites

DD is still having a tough time at her residential treatment facility.  She's had to be physically restrained twice this past week, and she had a big tantrum in the therapist's office when the therapist informed her that due to her behavior, she would not be allowed to go off grounds with DH and I to shop or go out to eat.  And then there are her bio relatives, who, in the 9 years that DD has lived with us, despite our continued urging, have never called her to go out for ice cream, never called her to say hi, never called us to ask how she's doing....now that they've learned that DD is in this new setting, are demanding to visit her there, and accusing us of "keeping her from them".  Argh.  I need to keep biting my tongue.  The therapist says DD is too unstable at the moment to have visits from bio family members.  So I've been telling them to call the therapist.  But it's still stressful!

So that's pretty much what I remember about what's been going on this past week or two--oh--and I have a job interview on Aug. 9.  Oh--and did I tell you (probably not) that I found out that because my job went overseas I could go to school for whatever I want (as long as it's in demand) including a Masters degree if I wanted to and they would continue to pay me unemployment for the entire time I was in school????  I'm kind of leaning towards getting some sort of computer certification that would result in a better job (hopefully).  If DH keeps working (and I know that's a big "if"), it would be doable.  So if I were to take something that required one year of schooling at a local Vo-Tech, and if DH could hold out for a year or so, then when I got done with school, even if DH couldn't keep working, I could go back to making similar money to what I was making at my corporate job before I got laid off.  Some things to think about, for sure!

DD called last night.

She's been moved to a longer-term house on the campus where she's been staying.  (We all [DH, me, the therapist(s), other staff, social worker] had a meeting last week and it was agreed that her violent behavior demonstrated a need for her to stay in residential treatment for as long as 6-9 months...)

Anyhow, apparently it hasn't been going well there.  I know they had taken a weekend "outing", so I wasn't able to call her or find out how she's been doing....so Monday night, she called and said she wants to come home.  She was crying and told me she doesn't like it there.  She told me that she has been getting into a lot of trouble every day, and nobody likes her, not even the therapist.  I asked her how she knew the therapist didn't like her, and she said "because she says I start things."  "Can I please come home?"

I wanted to say "well, you were having those same troubles at home, too--at least there, someone'll do something about it."  But instead I told her I wished she was at home too (a lie--I want the OLD DD back, not this angry and violent DD). 

I felt like my heart was breaking when she started to cry.  But then I realized, as she talked about how nobody likes her, etc., that she still has absolutely NO insight into what the problem(s) are.  It's pretty bad when she's at a place FULL of kids with emotional problems, and none of them like her either....makes me really sad, but also, when I hear that she's having so many troubles there, I know that handling her at home truly would not have been realistic.  I still feel bad.  I wish things were different.  I hope they can get her on the right meds.

You are all going to say "I told you so".....

Once again I failed to account for DH's perpetual font of creativity related to spending money.  I am clearly a slow learner and apparently not mean enough, either.

DH has a friend who is "laid off" (but didn't actually work at the job long enough to get unemployment.  So one day a couple of weeks ago, DH asked me if "someday, maybe we could get friend to come out and help with the lawn (which actually makes most foreclosed houses look really good), seeing as how he needs money and all...."  And I said "yes, someday.  But right now is not a good time."  And then I very firmly stated that any work that is done by anyone on our property will be done on a "so much money per job completed" basis, NOT hourly, because we've had too many problems with that before.  Cut to Wednesday night:

DH:  Doesn't the lawn look good?

(you can guess what comes next)

Me:  What price did you agree on......and why wasn't I involved?

DH:  Well, I need to talk to you about that.  See....I told him that I'd give him $30 to cut the grass and trim the weeds.  Because I had that money.  Then he kept on working, PLUS he went out and bought a new belt for the lawn mower that I didn't know about.  Now he says we owe him $135.

Me:  WHAT!!!?????

I got very angry.  But because I knew that DH is currently not at his most stable, and that he was making an attempt to get something done, I lied and told DH that I was really angry at the friend.  (I was angry at the friend, but I do feel that DH could/should have been able to prevent this, so I was more angry with him).  After I ranted for about an hour, DH told me that it was really his fault and not to be so angry with his friend (so he did recognize that it WAS his fault).  I told him that I was going to pay the guy because the yard does look nice.  I am not going to pay for the belt, if it can't be returned then too bad.  Maybe someone'll learn from that. 

And last but not least, I made clear (I hope) to DH that from now on, NOBODY will be doing any work at our house for pay, unless there is a price set up ahead of time, WITH ME, and any related purchases are to be ok'd before they are made.  If work is done at our house without my knowledge or acquiescence, then DH will have to find a way to pay for it.  I will not do this again.  I got the impression that DH thought I was going too far.  I don't.  Despite the fact that I'm apparently a really slow learner, I'm getting really tired of this.

I also got the impression that DH felt like I was being rather controlling.  But hey....I control the money and there is a reason for that, right?  If I am trying to live within our means and stuff like this keeps popping up, how on earth is "living within our means" going to be possible?

I have a headache.

Giveaway winner--Congratulations

Since there were six valid entries to the drawing, I did a dice roll to get the winner.

Congratulations to Jody who is the random winner of the "Manic" book.  Jody, I'll send you an email so that I can send it out to you as soon as possible!!!!  Thanks to everyone for "entering"--I wish I had a copy for everyone!!!!  This was fun, I'll probably do more giveaways in the future....

Do you ever stop and shake your head???

I think I'm getting to that point, and I wouldn't be surprised if many of you are there already.  Could more crap just happen to me???? (slightly bitter laugh).  Of course.  I barely have time to get upset about the drama in my life any more, because the instant I adjust to something, something else happens.

Well, I managed to meet a deer on my way home from my "part time" job.  The deer, unfortunately, didn't live to tell the story (at least I'm pretty sure--she ran away but had to be hurt pretty bad) and neither did my car.  My little car is totalled.  The deer hit on the hood, slid up the hood, went partially through the windshield (shattered the glass and added big hole) and also managed to dent the roof of the car.  Due to the 180 mile round trip commute that came with my prior full time position, my wonderful little car had 275,000 miles on it.  So I'm not probably going to get enough insurance money to get another car like it....and I'm sad.  I really liked that car.

So DH and I have been sharing a car (not easy, but apparently mostly doable) until I get the insurance check and we can go car shopping.  I've been looking on line to see if I can find a car that comes close to what I had.....my car was a 2004 Toyota Corolla--and I'm getting about $4500 for it.....it's not looking good :-(

I'm ready for something good to happen.  I'm only half serious there, though....because interspersed with all this dramatic bad stuff, there have been a LOT of blessings--I'm ok, for one....just some glass slivers.....and happy that I didn't, in the name of penny-pinching, decide to drop the collision insurance on the car....and like my mom--she actually is pretty comfortable in the nursing home.  I guess it just was time....?  And DH's job--if he wasn't working, I don't know how I'd get the propane tank filled for winter....and even more small blessings.....so I know I shouldn't complain.  But jeez--most people I know only have one big thing like this happen at a time, you know?????  Not like an entire lifetime of crises in just a couple of years.....I want to be one of those "one crisis at a time" folks!