Am I the one being a jerk here?

Well, today was another weird day. I think DH is having some depression, and various physical symptoms, it's hard to tell what is what. He had his Cat Scan, but hasn't gotten the results yet. He's convinced that it was all a big waste of time. In the meantime, I decided that I was going to try to give him $40 a week for kind of an "allowance" because I hate feeling like a jerk when he asks me for money all the time. I figured, well, he smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. At $4.50 a pack, that's what, 31.50 for a weeks worth of cigs? And that would leave him $8.50 to buy pop or whatever else he thought was important. Considering the state of our finances, I thought this was a good plan. He did too, when I gave him the $40 on Friday and told him my idea. However, today (please note it is exactly ONE day later) he needs money for a pack of cigarettes. He cannot account for where the money went. ARGH.

But that is not what this post is about, not really. Do you (for those of you who've been reading this for a while) remember my "gold" dollars? If you don't, please click on the link to get caught up. Anyhow, a while after that, I had started to collect the gold dollars again. Anyhow, here's where I started to be a jerk: DH came home from his Spenders meeting and I realized that he had bought a non-diet pop. (Remember that his blood sugar was in the 500's earlier this year). So I saw it sitting there on the table and, well, it somehow (wink wink) fell into the garbage. DH realized that I must've had something to do with that, and since DD had just scooped the litter boxes and taken out the garbage, I couldn't give him his pop back (at least I couldn't give it back to him in a non-poopy state), even if I had wanted to. I know this was kind of controlling of me. But I also knew that he wouldn't refrain from drinking it if I just politely asked. Anyhow, when he didn't get his pop back, he took my gold dollars hostage. He said I could have them back when I gave him his pop back. (Isn't this childish?, I know it is--on my part, too) Anyhow, this bothered me hugely, because he had already stolen my gold dollars once and spent a good portion of them. Now here he was taking them from me again. I knew he didn't see it that way, though, and I didn't want to start something, so I pretended like it didn't bother me at all. But it sure did. I was fairly sure that he wouldn't spend them, but I"ve been wrong before....

Then, for some reason, later in the day, he started talking about the 4-wheeler.

He started begging me to go for a ride on it, he was sure I would really have fun. I told him I just couldn't. Then I got the bright idea of telling him I would go for one ride if he would give me back my gold dollars. It was a deal. So he gave me back the gold dollars and I was all set to grit my teeth for the ride. But then he told me that I was going to love it, and I told him I wasn't at all. He told me that if I had forgiven him for buying it, and I was (and still am) paying for it, I might as well enjoy it. I told him that I just couldn't. The 4-wheeler was something that he chose to do, knowing (in some part of his mind, anyhow) that we couldn't afford it, that I didn't want it, didn't even KNOW about it, and had no use for it. To me it felt like a betrayal, although I didn't use that word when I was talking with DH. I wasn't trying to make him feel bad. I just wanted him to know that I just can't ever see myself enjoying that machine.

To me, it felt kind of the same as if he had cheated on me and then wanted me to be friends with the lady he cheated with. Yes, she might be very nice. Yes, we probably would enjoy each others' company, but it AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! Anyhow, DH got rather upset as I tried to explain this the best I could without pointing out things that he had done that I didn't handle well (and am still trying to get a grip on). He got a little angry because I keep saying that I have forgiven him and yet I won't just learn to love the 4-wheeler. But I feel the same way about the laptop and the digital camera. I won't have anything to do with them. I've forgiven (or so I thought) DH for the spending sprees that bought those things. But I still don't want to play with them.

He got rather disgusted and said he didn't want to go for a ride after all. I was fine with that, as I only agreed because I wanted my gold dollars back. And I've been trying to search my soul to see if I can recognize that I'm wrong about the 4-wheeler. So far either I'm in denial or I can't. If I'm being unreasonable, I wish I could see it. DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

And I did get my gold dollars back, but I'm kind of mad about that, too.

Things are not what they seem

I think I've told you before, that I'm very different from my brother. In fact, if you met both of us at a party, you'd be shocked to find out we were related. Here are some things that people know about him:

He makes $100,000 a year. He works (or worked) for a small company and was treated very well. Recently his company was bought out.

He's been married 15 years, he and his wife are the ones who always have the family get-togethers. They seem to get along very well and always seem happy with each other.

He lives in a ritzy neighborhood and when he comes to the town where I live with DH, he cannot fathom the lack of choices we have--"You mean you only have five restaurants? That must be so boring!!!" (For the most part right now, it doesn't matter if we have five restaurants or fifty, because we don't go to any!)

Neither he nor his wife cook.

They have two kids. But nurturing seems to come in second when it comes to making sure the dining room table doesn't get damaged. I have always suspected that my brother's wife is the one behind all the fancy stuff, because my brother and I grew up in the same house, where things didn't need to be fancy, if they did the job. But sometimes my brother still shocks me, like one time he had been cutting grass, and his tennis shoes got grass stains on them, and he told me he needed to throw those shoes away and get a new pair (!) And he was serious!!! But he did have the grace to look a little embarrassed when I told him how stupid that was, LOL...

They have no pets. LOL, DH and I share the house with 6 dogs, 10 cats, 2 bunnies, and then outside there's 40 chickens and about 30 ducks. So we aren't lacking for company! Oh--the buns live outside in the summer :-)

Now, here is what I learned this week, both from a conversation with him myself and some of the things he told DH.

His new company is a mortgage processor. It appears they aren't doing well at all. They have frozen wages and discontinued bonus programs. His supervisor and the VP who supervises the supervisor are laid off, effective April 15. My brother has been unable to get an answer from anyone as to what his job duties will be after that (read, the writing is on the wall)...He is worried about paying all his bills when he loses his job. They don't have much savings because they pay $3,000 a month (no, that's not a typo) for the kids to go to day care.

He told DH that he'd like to live up in the woods like we do. DH said "I'm not sure that would suit your lifestyle..." and my brother said that it would suit his just fine but his wife would hate it. I've always suspected that his wife was the really materialistic one of the two, but assumed that I was reading too much into things.

He told DH that he and his wife have no feelings for each other any more. That he feels like he's rooming with his best buddy, but that's about it. There's no affection between them any more. My brother told DH that he is seeing now, now that he has the kids, that material things aren't that important and he never realized that before. He told DH that if he lost his job and he lost his house, well, he'd just start over, because none of it mattered in the long run.

Then he told DH that he has cheated on his wife. And the shocker, he caught his wife cheating on him, and he just let it go, DH said it was like it didn't even matter! Like "yeah, I drove by the guy's house and her car was there, so I knew she was cheating, so do you want another coke?" Weird, huh? I never imagined that she'd cheat. I knew my brother would, LOL...

And then when DH mentioned that I pretty much count every penny these days, my brother told him "yeah, we (my brother and his wife) used to be really good at that, too. But now, we've just been spending left and right and I don't even have any idea of where we're at, and I don't know if I want to know!" (YIKES!)

I've always thought, "Wow. Together, they make about three times as much as we do. They must have it made financially." Very strange to realize that common-sense wise, DH and I are probably doing better than they are...

But they always present themselves so well at the family gatherings, I'm always scared to have anyone out to our house because things are so chaotic, it would just be stressful for anyone to have to come out and have to deal with that....but maybe I'm just not as good at pretending. Come to think of it, I have never been very good at that...

Anyhow, I kind of counted my blessings after I learned all that about my brother. His life looks like a sparkly diamond on it's face, but it's really a fake diamond, and not a very pretty one. My life (with DH and DD) has been tough these last couple of years. But the love is still there and I have dreams and goals....I felt very lucky at that point....because if I was living a life like my brother's, I would probably be the one in the family with a mental illness, you know?

Tiny update on my brother in law

Remember my brother in law discovered his wife had been cheating on him for the duration of the 2 1/2 year marriage? He told us yesterday that he found pictures posted on the internet of his wife and the "other man" and, um, well, apparently they were rated XXX, if you know what I mean....

Can you believe that?????

Other than that, though, I think my brother in law is doing reasonably well, although he does seem to be spending a lot of money, I guess he has to do SOMETHING to get over it....I did instruct DH to mention the spending thing though, I don't know what DH's mom would do if another son ended up with huge debts and mental illness....

Friends and the Bipolar Hubby

This weekend again, DH has his two best friends over. Usually I abhor company, but I really seem to relax more lately if there is someone else around to keep an eye on DH.

He is still very upset about his brother and wife, every time he talks about it, he gets so agitated, I have to remind him to try not to think about it. He's truly as upset as if he was the one who had been cheated on. Every time he talks about it, he ends up needing to take a pill to calm down. From what I know, though, DH's brother is hurt, upset, depressed, but doing about as well as you could expect.

I think DH's friend Jim (the one who served in Iraq) is starting to see more of what has been going on. He's really been treating DH as if nothing was wrong, but guess what? DH has been spending Jim's money as fast as Jim can get it out of his pocket. I think Jim is starting to see that now. I know Jim gave me a weird look when DH asked me for the check card to buy food, and I wouldn't give it to him, I really wish I would've somehow been able to explain that any food in the house is there because I did NOT let DH have the check card...

Anyhow, one of the things I've been noticing is that DH's friends are really going out of their way to help me around the house, where they never did that before. Jason did ALL of the dishes before I woke up, and Jim, who is also building me the new duck/chicken setup, took care of all of them (ducks and chickens) before I left for work. I went out to do my evening chores and they were all done. It feels really good to have people being considerate again. Not that Jim and Jason have ever been inconsiderate, they're truly quality people. But before all the stuff with DH happened, they were just DH's friends and they really pretty much stayed out of the "helping the friend's wife" thing. It's been so many months where every single thing is always about DH, his ups, his downs, his meds, his appointments, his spending, his lack of job, lack of motivation, etc., and I've kind of lost sight of me in the process. And it feels really good to have someone help out, even if it isn't my DH. More "manly" stuff has gotten done at our house in the last week than has been done all year, and that feels good, too.

Oh, and since infidelity seems to be the topic of the week, don't worry about any infidelity issues with Jim or Jason, they're just nice guys who are friends with my DH. I could never ever do that to DH, and I won't. But I do appreciate them very much, that's for sure. And sometimes they both make a point out of telling DH how great I am (I believe it's an attempt by them to get DH to see how much he has been taking for granted and all that), and I do enjoy that too, because even if DH is not able to appreciate me right now, the fact that his friends think highly of me makes me remember that I am valuable.

Drama roller coaster

Today while I was sleeping, DH woke me up to tell me that his brother (my Brother In Law [BIL]) had found out that his wife of three years had been having an affair for two of those three years.

I have to say, we were all pretty surprised, I don't think any of us had her pegged for something like that....but she has always been pretty hard for me to take.

When DH's brother announced that he was getting married, we were shocked but happy--we didn't even know he was seeing anyone. I was very excited to meet her, because I have always gotten along incredibly well with all of DH's friends and family, so I just assumed that since I got along so well with his brother, I would probably find a new friend in his wife-to-be. I invited them over for a celebration dinner.

That first impression really did color all of my future thoughts about her, though, sad to say. At the time, our 15 year old cat was dying of kidney failure and I was trying to prolong his life until the quality was gone. But he was pretty skinny, and I didn't want her to think that he was skinny because we weren't feeding him or something, so I explained that he was dying of kidney failure and that I was trying to do whatever I could to keep him more comfortable. Instead of saying something like "oh, that's too bad" or even "I'm not really a cat person" or whatever, she gave me this condescending look and said "Everything dies."

That's it. "Everything dies." Because I didn't know that, I was extremely grateful to have that explained to me. Duh.

Ok, so maybe she got off on the wrong foot, right? Maybe she was nervous and said something stupid, right? I really tried hard to give her the benefit of a doubt. They were having trouble living within their means, so BIL wanted me to go shopping with her and show her how I kept our food budget down to a very manageable $125/month. We went to Aldi. That's where I buy a lot of my canned goods, because canned veggies are often $.25/can, and canned soups are .40-.85 a can. And milk at Aldi is about a dollar a gallon cheaper than anywhere else. The catch is that everything is "store brand", meaning not name brand. She would say things like "I only buy brands I've heard of". Ok.

We went to Walmart, where I bought the big bags of Malt-O-Meal cereals. "They're kind of generic, aren't they?" she said, as she stuffed a few $6 boxes of organic name-brand cereals in her cart. Last but not least, we stopped at the local scratch-n-dent store, where I splurged $2.00 on a pound can of coffee (an off brand, of course, but sometimes we don't have coffee at all, because it's really a luxury, isn't it?). She told me that she was sure it wouldn't taste good, she only buys the beans and grinds them herself.

So, my attempt to be frugal with her didn't work. I probably wouldn't be getting any phone calls saying "Carol!!! Did you see the paper??? They've got hamburger on sale for $1.25 a pound!!! Do you wanna come with???" Sigh.

And that was kind of how things went. She was not only condescending to me, but to DH's mom and brothers, too. It got really hard for me to say anything, because I was afraid one of my little sarcastic jabs would pop out, and then the family would think I was trying to start something. But I really had a tough time finding anything to talk to her about, as she knew everything there was to know about everything, and that was that.

And she was not shy about pointing out that she knew everything about everything. Someone would complain about the price of gas. Someone else would say, "Just be glad we aren't in Europe. Gas there is like $10 a gallon." And she would say, "Actually, it's only $9.45 and they buy it by the liter there." "I know because I was there three years ago." So there.

So I didn't like her, and I think that most people who gave her the benefit of a doubt as to what my BIL saw in her, found it difficult to like her, too. My thoughts about the whole thing were that when he started thinking with the upper brain instead of the one in his pants, he would realize what the rest of us already knew, and he would get sick of it and leave her. I would've put money on that scenario. My BIL changes careers and religions at the drop of a hat. I had no reason to think that he wouldn't change wives too :-) Despite the things about her that I just couldn't find a way to like, I never would have dreamed that she was lying to him for two years. But I have to say, I guess it's good that at least I didn't have much love invested in her!

DH, on the other hand, is just devastated for his brother. His brother is planning on getting an apartment and just ending the marriage. DH is almost suicidal over it. He wants to go and tell my sister in law off. He wants to go to his brother's house, even though his brother has not requested it or even hinted at that. I keep telling DH that a situation like this isn't one where most people want their brothers or sisters in law to get deeply involved, except on the support side. "Be there when he needs a shoulder, or someone to help him move, but putting yourself in the middle of this is not going to help things." And he agrees with me, and then starts in again. I do feel bad for my brother in law, I really do. I like him a lot, and I was hoping that he had found the same thing that I had found with DH prior to the bipolar rearing its ugly head.

But he's a big boy, and nobody has a life that doesn't have problems, and he has a plan to get through it, so I think he'll be ok. And if we continually offer love, support, and assistance, maybe if he really needs it, he'll ask.

DH spent the entire day being as upset about his brother's marriage as I think he would have been if he had found out something like that about me (and I am as faithful as they come). He is just devastated. Just going on and on like the world was ending.

I get so tired of all the drama. Sometimes I just let it roll right off my shoulders and don't even react to it any more. Yeah, it's terrible, what's going on with BIL and his wife. Ok, what should we have for supper? There's not much I can do about the situation, so I am not going to waste time stressing out about it. But sometimes I still manage to get sucked in, mostly because on some level I still respond to DH as if he had rational thoughts. So when a rational person, who has always been rational before, thinks that the end of the world is here, sometimes I start thinking that it must really be awful, and I start acting as if that is the case. But not as much as I used to.

OH. And another thing. He TOLD dd about it, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Repeat after me: Not her business. She's 14. She should not be involved in any way in grownup problems. Especially ones that involve sex. All she would ever need to know is that her uncle and aunt had problems and split up. And she wouldn't even need to know that today. Probably not until Christmas, when BIL's wife wasn't there.
I'm angry about that. He has a hard time drawing the line between "the parents" and "the kid". In other words, if it's something he would discuss with me, he has a hard time not telling her too. And that really wasn't a problem until the bipolar stepped in, either. He used to have a pretty clear idea that there are things you don't share with the kid(s). Argh.

There are all these little things that the "books" don't tell you about mental illness. And I can't begin to put them all into words, but I'm getting better at that.

Marriage: Not as simple as it looks

I talked with my best friend last night, she’s the only one who knows what is going on at our house, but I sense that she is uncomfortable listening to the things I tell her, so I don’t share as much as I would like. Anyhow, the things she said made me sad. She confessed that she believes her husband is cheating on her with other women and with their 18 year old foreign exchange student, too. She told me that he hasn’t kissed her or held her in over three years, not even when she asks. I told her she didn’t deserve that, and she said some very sad things: “I really don’t care what he does any more, as long as he doesn’t knock anybody up”, “I can’t afford to leave, we’ve got too much debt for me to go anywhere, so as long as he keeps bringing in his paycheck, I’ll keep up the façade” and then she said the thing that floored me in a way, but on another level, I completely knew what she meant: “If he just stopped coming home, that’d be fine with me.”

And I could relate, I really could, with that statement. I get so tired of the mood swings and the ups and downs, three different times now, he has gotten angry enough with me to walk out, and then he comes back. But you know, when he has been gone, things are so much more predictable, so much more stable, I confess, that sometimes I do feel the way my friend does.

I didn’t sign up for this. I remember how I used to share every thought with him, how supportive he was, and how he always wanted to do things around the house because it would make my work easier. I remember how he would remember my little comments like “I wish our kitchen was yellow” and I would come home from work to find that he had painted the kitchen yellow. I remember how thoughtful he was, and how he could calm me down when I wasn’t thinking straight. And now all that is gone, and I really feel like I got myself another special needs child, except he has access to adult situations, like work, banking, credit, and I can’t control him at all.

He finally called me today (I’m working again) and told me he had no idea why he was so angry last night. I asked him if I said or did something wrong, “No”, I asked him if something happened at home , “No”, he just didn’t have any idea why he was so angry. That’s pretty typical. A lot of times he gets extremely angry over little things that usually don’t make him (or anyone else) angry, and usually things that would make people say “oh, bummer”, become the end of the world.

Sometimes I wonder whether, even if he gets completely better (and how likely is that), how much our marriage will have been affected. I’ve become the “person in charge” by default in a marriage where all decisions used to be made jointly. It was difficult to become that person, it’s not who I naturally am, and I’m not sure what, in the long run, it will do to our relationship. I do know, though, that despite all my misgivings and seemingly negative thoughts, that if our roles were reversed, I would want him to stand by me, and I can’t assume that his needs are any different.