DD got arrested.

It was all set:  DD was going to go to a "prom" for special needs kids on Saturday night.  The program that was putting on the prom was also providing donated dresses etc. to all the girls, and the cost would be minimal (about $10.00).  Since this would probably be the only prom that DD might be able to attend, it quickly became a big deal.  The foster mom helped DD select a dress and shoes (this had to be done at a time when I had to be at work, or actually, on my way home from work)....and I was going to chaperone up until I had to leave for my part-time job, and then the foster mom would take over.

I got a call from the foster mom on Friday, while I was still on my way home from work.  The first thing she says, in a very kind and sad way, was that DD was not going to be able to stay there any more.  Apparently, DD had been disruptive three days in a row, and was currently in the midst of a full-blown tantrum.  I could hear DD screaming in the background.  Apparently the tantrum was because DD asked the foster mom to take her to town so that she could look at more dresses.  Foster mom said (and rightly so), "We've already spent quite a bit of time looking at dresses, and you've already picked one out.  So let's just try to be happy with that..." and DD didn't like that, so the screaming began.

I think the foster mom thought the worst was over when she called, because they had finally succeeded in getting DD to go into her room (after many belligerent refusals).  But I could tell, from the sound of the screaming, that it was actually still escalating.  Since I had gotten a kind of "you didn't handle this quite right" once, when DD's therapist and social worker had suggested that I call the area mental health crisis line and instead I called 911, I advised the foster mom to call the crisis line.  Unfortunately, they won't deal with a crisis involving a person who has exhibited self-injurious or assaultive behavior.  While she was making this call, though, DD came out of her room and began to assault the foster mom in front of the other kids, so foster Dad called 911.  DD tried to escape out of her bedroom window, but failed to take into consideration that her room was on the second floor.....The police came, and tried to talk to DD and calm her down, but she was "mouthy" to them and very disrespectful.  She shoved the foster mom while the police were there, so DD has now been arrested for Domestic Assault, and also "Public (something--I'm not sure what)" because she did it in front of the other kids.  So she's been in jail.  I could not find out any information beyond that, as she's now 18 and we are not her guardian(s) yet--the court hearing is actually on Monday, May 16--now it sounds like they are going to try to combine the guardianship hearing with her first court appearance for these charges.....

DH, when I told him about the first phone call, the one where I could hear DD screaming, wanted to go over there and try to calm her down.  I told him not to.  After all, this was a foster home that was supposedly very experienced, and I tried to remind him of all the times when neither he nor I had been able to calm her down in this situation.....so he didn't go.  But when he found out she had been arrested, he had some unusual type of breakdown.  He was sobbing about how scared she must be, and how if only he had gone over there, he could have calmed her down.....and all that kept flashing in my mind was DH saying "Call 911--I can't take this any more!"  And the mental picture of DD attacking DH with the bicycle pump.  It was clear to me that his thinking was "weird".  But he couldn't calm himself down.  He was just distraught, and I was at a loss as to how to handle it.  He said it felt like he was having constant panic attacks, and he was so upset....I suggested he take a Lorazepam, but he hasn't needed to use them very often, so when he ran out recently, he hadn't called in for a refill.  He couldn't stop crying, and he couldn't sleep, and he completely blamed himself for DD ending up in jail.  I ended up suggesting that he take an extra dose of Seroquel--he takes 100mg nightly now, but also used to have an order to take an extra 50mg as needed, although he usually chose not to, because it made him so tired.  So I figured it would be ok if he took that.  And he fell asleep and slept all night.  But it was very weird/scary.  His thoughts haven't been so disorganized, and his emotions haven't been this out of control for a very long time.  When he woke up today, he seemed somewhat better (no more crying), but he was still wayyyy off....really lethargic, mopey, very sad.....he did go to work today, though, so I'm hoping that once he gets into the routine there, maybe his brain will do a little bit of a "reset" and he'll feel better....

DD called collect from the jail today.  I asked her how she was doing and she said "Mom, I'm fine.", in a rather disrespectful tone of voice.  I told her that Dad and I were very worried about her, and she said "Well I'm SORRY!" in a way that clearly suggested that she was not sorry.  So that ended a lot of my direct sympathy for her at the moment.....

I'm really sad for her.  I'm sure jail is quite a shock to her, and like nothing she's ever experienced before.  Unfortunately, I don't believe that the experience will cause her to rethink her actions in the future--I still think that she is not properly medicated.....

And then there remain a lot of questions.  This foster care arrangement was kind of a last-resort thing, because group home funding was not available.  The foster home will not take her back, for sure.  DD's social worker had not been planning on attending court on Monday, she felt that there would be no opposition to us being guardians, so she was not going to clear her schedule for that.  Now I'm really hoping that she recognizes that this is yet another crisis, and that I/we really need her help.  If DD is released from jail after the guardianship hearing, she will have no place to stay.  She could probably stay at our house for a couple of days, but beyond that, we cannot and don't want to be dealing with these tantrums again.  All of her belongings are still at the foster home, but it really doesn't make any sense to pack all of that up until we know what the plan is.....

So once again the situation with DD involves "flying by the seats of our pants"--we weren't expecting this so soon, we certainly weren't expecting the foster parents to give up so quickly, and I am afraid for DD's future.

Well, it's been a while, but Mom has another UTI. She's back to the delusions about being shot/hung/hunted and she is once again refusing to eat. They did a UA and the bacteria in the UTI is enterococcus faecium, which is a very resistant bacteria and different from the last one she had (although that one was VRE also).

We've been presented with some options, none of which are good. There is only one oral (pill) antibiotic that is effective on this bacteria, Zyvox(?)....anyhow....the problem with that one (aside from the fact that it is not covered by insurance and costs $100 PER PILL<--not a typo--at 2 pills per day for 14 days) is that my mom is on two antidepressants that can interact with the antibiotic and cause a very bad side effect, "seratonin syndrome". Even if they take her off the antidepressants for 3-4 weeks prior to starting the antibiotic, there is still a chance that the interaction could occur.

Or....there are 4 or 5 antibiotics that could be given intravenously that would probably be effective. The problem with that is that the NH has several times now informed me that they WILL NOT administer IV antibiotics at the NH, so Mom would have to go to the hospital, which could make any improvement caused by the antibiotics a moot point, because she always gets so confused in the hospital...and even if some of the "hospital confusion" cleared up when she made it back to the nursing home, some of the confusion ALWAYS remains as yet another cognitive step down...the nursing home has also expressed doubt about whether my mom would pull out the IV or not, because she wouldn't remember/understand what it is. Yesterday, I talked to the nurse practitioner (a new one who has only been working there a month) and she said that if I insisted, they could do the IV antibiotics at the nursing home, but....so I'm clear on the fact that the nursing home does not want want to do the IV, but not clear on whether I could actually force the issue or not. And with any antibiotic use comes the possibility of C. Diff., which is a very bad infection where the antibiotic(s) basically kill all of the "good" bacteria in the gut and cause life-threatening diarrhea.... also...not to mention that if we did the IV antibiotics, she might get another UTI next week again and we'd be in the exact same place, except potentially broker and wiser....at this point, since it has really not appeared to be an option, I'm not sure if Mom's insurance would cover the IV/antibiotics or whether it would be out of pocket.

Or...we could do "nothing" and just try to support her and see if she can fight it off for a while....I asked the NP (who I do not like) what kind of prognosis we would have if we chose this option and she said "well, if/when it moves into her kidneys....about 2 weeks..."

I need information. But I don't even know who to ask....

Also, though, I have to add, that the RN's and LPN's at the nursing home--they have been so amazing--I cannot believe the support and understanding I've been getting during this--two nurses even went to the director of nursing to plead for the chance to do the IV at the nursing home (and were told no)....they are very upset that there doesn't appear to be anything "doable" and one of the nurses teared up when she told me how upset she'd be if it was her mom in this situation....If my mom has to be in a NH, and even though the higher ups aren't on my list of favorite people, the folks on the front lines (the aides and nurses) could not possibly be more compassionate and caring....


I called my brother to get his thoughts and he said "I guess I need to get working on...." and I thought for sure he was going to say "coming up to visit more often".....but you know what he said?  "all the funeral arrangements..."!--guess I won't be getting a lot of support from him....but I was hoping....


I honestly don't know what to do.  If anything.  I strongly suspect that this will be the last Mother's Day that I share with my mom.

Property Line Issue

Well, first a little background. DH and I moved to our 15 acres in 2000, and one of the main reasons that we selected that particular run-down shack was that it was very much in the "middle of nowhere" and that was my dream. Woods and cornfields surrounded us, with one neighbor a quarter of a mile away and that was the entire neighborhood.

Then, in 2003, the farmer that owned the cornfields sold 10 acres to this guy and his wife. Lucky us, the 10 acres that were sold butt right up to our property. Not only that, but the guy chose to put his double wide etc just as close to our property as could be imagined. Several people stopped by during the excavation just to say "I can't believe this!"

Being as the land had already been sold by the time we learned about it, we really had no choice but to grin and bear it. We've tried to be good neighbors. But they have clearly moved to the wrong place, because they don't like anything we do! Some of their complaints are justified, like the time I left our dog outside (warm summer night) and didn't realize that I couldn't hear her barking outside when I was in the bedroom. But they have also complained about the roosters crowing, the length of the grass, and the guineas (in another attempt to try to be good neighbors, when the guineas were eaten by a predator, we opted not to get more because we knew they disturbed the neighbor). It appears that the more we try to make them happy, the more they complain. They called one night at 9:30pm and asked us to put the dogs inside because they (the neighbors) were out in their yard and the dogs were barking at them (remember they are only feet away from our house now)--ok, we put the dogs away. Then the next night they called at 8pm and asked us to put the dogs away for the same reason. It's gotten to where we are afraid to leave the dogs outside unsupervised, for fear of being bad neighbors.

We now chain up our dogs because they have asked us to. We are afraid to complain about their cat that comes into our yard at will because we are afraid the cat would be killed if we did.

Last fall they complained to the county about (I'm not even sure) the way rain water ran off from our driveway into the street(?) (I'm still not even sure what the exact problem was). The county told us that it was the neighbors that "suggested" an "improvement" and that it would make things better for everyone at no cost to us. The county came and made a holy mess out of the bottom of our driveway in an effort to please these people....now there's a big mudhole there that extends 1/3 of the way into the road....that really fixed the "erosion" problem. Oh--and I didn't mention that they did not opt to discuss the "erosion" with us before going to the county. Oh--and did I mention that the wife works for the county?

I still want to be as good a neighbor as I am able. But frankly, I'm getting fed up with trying to please them. We have never complained about anything to them, as we prefer to "live and let live". Not even the fact that we believed that their driveway was way too close to our property line--why make a big deal out of something......

About a month ago, he (the husband) notified me that he was going to have his land surveyed so that he could put up a better fence than the one we had put up. (The fence we had put up was just T posts & chicken wire, and we made sure it was quite a ways away from where we thought the property line was, in order to avoid any type of dispute or complaint...) Fine, whatever.....put up your fence....I have a few other things to worry about....

Now. Surprisingly (or not), his efforts have led him to an embarrassing conclusion: the property line is not where he thought it was. His tool shed is sitting smack dab on the property line. His propane tank is on our property, as is his electric service. The distance between the edge of his driveway and the property line is about 1 inch. Really.

So they called me out tonite to "talk" about this. I really didn't know what to say, since they were the ones wanting to be precise about the boundaries....I told them that I/we wanted to be good neighbors. So right away they suggested that we do something called a "line adjustment" where the property line(s) are redrawn but no money changes hands. But the fast way they suggested that made me instantly cautious, because of the driveway thing--"Oh yeah, it's going to be better for everyone...." and really....nobody can even drive down the road without worrying now.....

I want to be a good neighbor (despite my frustration it's not my nature to be very spiteful), but I feel like they're asking me/us to give them some land because they messed up. And they haven't exactly made me feel excited about doing that. On the other hand...."do unto others as you would have them do unto you...." And I know we aren't the best neighbors. DH has struggled with his mental illness during this time and I have been working the two jobs to make ends meet. I have not told the neighbors why our yard is a mess or why we can't afford to fix (whatever), because DH's issues are private, so I'm sure they just think we've turned into the trashy people that nobody wants to live next to....and maybe we have,  I don't know......I'm not sure I'd really want to live smack dab next to us either.....but of course I wouldn't move next to us to begin with.  I don't like having neighbors and moved to a place without them for a reason.

I'm sure some of you have thoughts on this or similar experiences....We don't have the money to get an attorney, and I don't like to make waves anyhow....but I don't want make a bad decision in an effort to be a good neighbor, either..... __________________

The Hand-Off

So much has changed in the brief time that I haven't posted.   When the RTC had said that they wanted DD out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, they really meant it.  DD's social worker was really scrambling to get everything in place, and I could tell she felt really rushed and frustrated, too.

We had DD's "discharge meeting" on April 14.  DH and I, the new foster care lady, social worker, DD and the therapists were all there at the RTC to see DD off.  We met the lady who'll be doing the "foster care".  Surprisingly (or not), she's very nice and we both liked her.  Also surprisingly, it doesn't sound like their home life is much different than ours, except for more kids in the mix.  She (the mom) works full time about an hour away, doing the same thing I'm doing, except I'm working 2 hours away.  The dad works at night and sleeps all day.  Three other kids.  I had had this vision of some lucky lady who was able to stay home all the time and give DD all the attention she needs.  That won't be the case, and I'm kind of disappointed.  I also think that when, in the discharge meeting, the therapist started really giving details about DD's behavior, the mom was starting to have some doubts....but then she put on a happy face and hid it well.  This is the only option that we've been given for DD at this point.  Today we're going over to their house to see where DD will be.  (But she's already there).  We did not get a chance to meet either parent prior to the discharge meeting, so there really is a big question mark as to how things will work and how involved I/we can be.

It was a really strange meeting.  We talked about all the ways that DD has improved since she went to RTC.  But in the back of my mind was "this is bull!  If she was doing so great, why are you doing this?  Right in the middle of what you've referred to as "the most difficult and important part of her therapy"?  I have a lot of anger and confusion towards the RTC.  But that meeting was not the place to express it.  I'm not sure there ever will be a time and place for that, but I feel like, on DD's behalf, that she's on the losing end of a bad breakup.  We're sick of you, we're dumping you, and no, you can't stay for one more day!

I also met with the attorney that the county is using to help us get legal guardianship.  Right now, DD, being 18, could, in theory, decide she didn't want to live where she's at now and move to Timbuktu, until she ended up in jail.  Hopefully the guardianship will all be in place by June, but there will be a couple of days I'll have to take off to get it all done.

I have such a jumble of feelings about all of this.  I'm relieved that she won't be coming home, because I truly don't think she's changed all that much and I didn't want to have to admit defeat a second time.  I'm scared of the new situation.  I'm scared that it won't work out for DD.  But more....I'm scared that it will.  I'm scared that these people have skills that we don't have, and will be able to help DD in ways we only dreamed about.  I'm scared that she's going to end up loving them more than us.  I'm scared that they'll allow her to make choices that she isn't ready to make.  (Remember that although she's 18 by the clock, maturity-wise, she's only about 11 or 12).  I'm afraid that these people won't want to hear what we think, or what we've learned (or haven't learned) in the past.  I'm afraid of stepping on their toes.  I'm afraid of the harm DD might do to their kids.  They seem very nice, but..... 

It's the weirdest feeling....handing your child over....when you still love them....to go and live with another family....twisted up my heart and really made me feel like a failure.  If DH hadn't become ill....If we didn't have all this debt and I didn't have to work 2 jobs.....If we lived in an area where there were more services and more funding....it just isn't fair at all.  I guess I really do want her back.  Just not like she is right now.

And then, after the meeting, I was helping DD pack up her stuff, and she broke down in tears.  I took her in my arms and held her, felt like a mom again.  And I started wishing unrealistic wishes--that she could come home and we could work it all out and be a family again....and I know that's not going to happen--if it was going to, she'd still be in the RTC.

And now.....she's gone.  She's at the "other' house, with a whole 'nother life.  And I didn't have much time to prepare, mentally.  It's clear that something's changed.  I think DH is extremely relieved.  I offered to buy him a carton of cigarettes if he cleaned the entire house and he DID IT.   The house has not looked this good or smelled this nice in years!!!!  And he's been asking what he can do to earn the "next" carton.  I can probably do one more...but unfortunately, I can't have it be a "regular" thing.  DH also told me that he wants to lose weight and quit smoking!  I know that both of those things are extremely difficult, especially for someone with his issues, but the fact that he is thinking about it is an improvement over how things were before....

And to top it all off?  On the same day I met with the attorney and the same day that we did DD's discharge, I learned that I have lupus.  I've started taking anti-malarial drugs for the skin issues and the pain and fatigue.  It was a huge relief to know that that was what was wrong, because lots of doctors in the past had treated (or tried to treat) various parts of it, without looking at the whole.  Now that we know what it is, maybe we can make things a lot better all around, instead of fix one thing and then something else pops up.  The kind of funny (depending on how you look at it) thing is, I didn't really feel like there was something that serious wrong with me until I KNEW that there was something wrong....now I'm noticing the fatigue more....and the aches and pains....and the hair loss.....

My emotions are all a-jumble.  Just like my life.

DD roller coaster!

I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts regarding DD.   Yes, I do think that she acted out because she was afraid of the freedom and responsibility that coming home would mean.  I am sure that she was not consciously aware of that, but I think you are right.  Despite this, however, she did not handle the news well.  There was, as I anticipated, a lot of screaming and drama.  And a lot of rudeness towards DH and I.  DD was of the opinion that DH and I had made the decision, not her.  She believes that we don't want her any more.  I feel awful about that, but if she is going to be physically and verbally violent, there is just no way that we can do it.

So here's where things have been this past week: After they broke the news to DD that she wouldn't be going home, we learned that the RTC wants DD out as soon as possible.  They said that it's because she is still not stable, and that she (as of yesterday) has turned 18 now, and if she assaults a child in the RTC, the RTC will have to press charges to protect the children and they don't want to do that.  So now, they don't even want DD to stay until her funding runs out in June.  So I guess all the "planning for discharge" and whatever has been flushed down the toilet!   It's really weird.  And I'm angry about it.   Nobody, in the entire 10 months that she has been in the RTC, knowing that her 18th birthday was coming up, told us that things could happen this way.  It has been very sudden and abrupt.  We knew for several months that DD would either be coming home or going to a "group home" after discharge, but we figured the timeframe would be the same either way--just the destination would be different, and we would all have time to get used to the plan.   I feel like they weren't realistic about what she was capable of , and now that expectations have not been met, they're washing their hands of the entire situation as fast as they can--it's extremely disconcerting and frustrating, but it doesn't sound like there's much to be done at this point.  They are giving up on her.  Her discharge meeting is April 14!  We did not have a say in when she would be discharged, or how fast this happened.  Nobody consulted with us at all until they told us what was going to happen.  Makes me want to scream and act like DD!!!!

Then we found out that due to budget cuts in MN, the group home funding is very limited.  In fact, according to the county, a current group home resident will need to die in order for DD to get the funding allocated for that person.  They are not giving out any additional funding.  The funding that the state provides for residential housing is not enough to pay for DD to be in a corporate group home (like the ones that I work in at my 2nd job).  In our small and poverty-stricken county (and I'm still not sure I understand this completely), the best thing they could come up with was to place DD in a child foster home for violent kids about 7 miles away from our house.  Supposedly DD can stay there as long as she stays in school.  This is our ONLY option in the county.  If we do not go along with giving this home a shot, DD may be placed in one of the more urban counties in the state that may have funding available quicker.  DH and I will still be her guardians, but she will live with another "foster family".  I don't really understand how it works, as I've never heard of a situation like this before, but we, as DD's legal guardians, will be electing for her to stay in this foster home, just as we would if we were electing for her to stay in a group home.  There would be no court hearing, and supposedly we will still have a great deal of input into DD's life.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this.  I know we said we can't handle her any more.  And I believe that is true.  But I still feel like this placement into this foster home is somehow saying that there is someone out there who can be better parents than we can (which is really probably true, but it hurts).  I hate the thought of someone else being her "mom" and "dad".  And I'm worried that they will do a bad job.  And I'm worried that they will do a good job.  And I'm worried that since there are other kids in the home, and it is undoubtedly less structured than the RTC, DD will assault one of the other kids in the home and get kicked out, or worse.  There is no backup plan right now.  This is the only option in the county until/unless someone dies. 

As I stated before, part of me wants to just give up and move on, have her be someone else's problem.  And part of me knows that she will run back to her "real" mom on a moment's notice, make bad choices and end up in jail, despite my best efforts to keep her out of trouble.  So sometimes I just feel like "well, let's get it over with--it's gonna happen anyhow..."  But dang, I still love her.

There's been so much emotion this week.  And I feel like I'm being swept along on this wave....and I can flail my arms, and look to see where the wave might be going, but I really don't have much control over what happens.  And as a parent, that's a terrifying feeling.

It's going to hit the fan tonite.

Well, we had just tentatively made the decision to plan for DD to come back home after her stay at the RTC.  The staff there had made such a point of telling us "how she's turned it around" and "she's really working hard to make this work", so we felt like she should have a chance.

That was less than a week ago.

Over the weekend, she was assaultive towards another kid and a staff, then ran away from the RTC and the police brought her back.  She continued to be verbally abusive to staff and peers after this, and bordering on becoming physical again, so the staff there has changed their recommendation to a group home or foster care setting.

They're going to tell her tonite.  And I'm certain that it won't be pretty.

We will be meeting with DD, therapist and staff tomorrow night.  Not looking forward to the blame that she will heap on us for the choices she made.  But they were her choices.

I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I thought all along that this was what the outcome would be.  I was hoping I was wrong.

Since she's on the brink of 18, there will be a lot to learn....for sure.

In my "bad mom" moments I just want to wash my hands of the whole situation, but I (most of the time) love her too much to give up completely.

The RCT told us to prepare for phone calls tonite.  Yikes.

P.S.  We still have not heard anything about DH's disability--it's been 6 weeks now, and they said 2-4.....probably not a good sign :-(

I don't like my daughter.

We've had several "home visits" now, where she comes to our house and spends a couple of days.  Of course, with me still working both jobs, I don't have a lot of time to spend with her, but that's ok, because most of the time I don't want to spend time with her at all.  Isn't that sad?

It's as if she is constantly looking for an "excuse" to get angry with me.  Here's an example:  About a week ago, DH and I picked DD up at the place where she's at.  DD had been talking about applying for a scholarship so that she could attend a rather prestigious cooking school.  While I do think that cooking school is a much better and much more realistic choice than her previous choice (paleontologist), when she showed me the scholarship rules, I got worried.  The scholarship can only be won by achieving a certain score on the ACT college entrance exam.  I know that unless things change drastically, she can't do that.  She has yet to pass the skills test for graduation, and she's taken it several times.  I hate to see her disappointed, so, thinking ahead, I said "that's great!  And I know if the scholarship doesn't work out, there are a lot of programs for former foster children that can pay your way, too!" And she got right up in my face and told me that "I have my heart set on this and you never want to let me do anything I want!"  And she kept right on yelling at me, even when I asked her "Did you even hear a word I said?"  Sadly, this is kind of a typical exchange for her and me.

The treatment center where she is at has said that they have now talked with the county and the county will only pay for her to stay there until June.  And at that point, we have to decide where she is going.  They are pushing for her to come back to our house.  I don't want to live with her, but I feel like a bad mom when I even think like that.  So I keep going along with things....

Then.....this week they started bringing up the possibility of allowing DD to go on unsupervised visits to her bio mom's.  "Because her bio mom has been going to therapy and appears to have cleaned up her act..."  Everything about this made me want to scream "No, no, no, ABSOLUTELY NOT!"  But once again, since they (the therapists) seem to think it's a good idea, especially since DD will be turning 18 soon (and despite the fact that supposedly the legal guardianship is moving along) as they don't want DD to resent us for keeping her from her bio mom.  So once again....I feel like a bad mom, because these visits are the last thing I want and the last thing I think will be good for DD.  Her bio mom has very good intentions but cannot say no to DD, not ever.  Kind of like DH, but there's nobody there (at bio mom's ) to step in when that happens.  And....I admit it....I know DD will always choose bio mom over me, so I'm already a little hurt and jealous in advance.

It's all very hard for me.  DH doesn't seem to see anything wrong with these things at all.  Mostly right now I just want to throw up my hands and say "all right already, she can do whatever the hell she wants and I'm not going to waste any more energy on maintaining a relationship with this hateful little person!" But I know that's not the answer either....it's just that I'm overwhelmed without worrying about these things, and I don't think there's a way I can make a good decision here, at least one that I'm comfortable with.....

P.S.  Please say a heartfelt prayer for everyone in Japan right now....my cousin (who is Japanese-American) was in Tokyo when the earthquake happened, and she and her husband are ok, but we aren't sure if they're coming back to the U.S. now or not (they weren't planning on it).....

DH: on the brink of losing his job

Well, I've mentioned it a little before, but DH went in to work last night and found out that because he's missed so many days, they're cutting his hours.  He was a little upset, but I honestly don't see how he can be too upset, because on his very first day of work, he explained to me how it works, and every single time he's called in since then, I've reminded him of what could happen....and now it's happening.  They go by a "points" system where he works.  If you are tardy, it's one point.  If you call in sick on a weekday, it's 1 point.  If you call in sick on a Friday or Saturday, it's 2 points, and there are some days when they are super busy, where if you call in, it can be 3 points.  When you get to eight points, they take one of your shifts away.  At 9 points, they take another (total of two shifts) away.  And when you get to ten points, you're fired.

I'm nervous.  Even losing one shift is a lot of money.  But I've known since he started that this job of his probably wouldn't last....

But.....I'm still hoping that maybe the disability will come through....that way, we'll still have some sort of income from him if he loses his job.

On a more optimistic side....I have had my 6 month review at work (it was a good one) and I passed probation, so I'm now a permanent county employee there.  I also got a .60/hr raise (yay!).  I'm still quite a bit below what I was making before, but doing quite a bit better than if I was working at WalMart.....

I'm so much hoping that the disability comes through.  DH has told me a lot about the hearing, and he hasn't told me anything that would make me think that the judge realistically thought he could do anything....but, like I told DH, "based on how things have been for us these last few years, good financial stuff (with the exception of my job and possibly his) just does not seem to happen to us."  So it'll be nice if it happens, but "par for the course" if it doesn't.

Along those lines, this past week, one morning I got into work, logged on to my computer, and went to check my bank account to make sure my balance was what I thought it was.  It wasn't. (!)  Someone somewhere had charged internet service and textbooks to my check card somehow.  So I lost about $150 before the bank shut the card off.  It appears that the purchases were made only minutes before I signed on to check my account, so that was lucky--who knows how much damage they would've done if I hadn't been so anal about keeping track of that stuff?  But.....that money was earmarked to pay DH's year-old dentist bill (which totals $400) and now I won't be able to pay that until the bank fixes things (they said they'd put the money back into my account in about 2 weeks)....sigh....just one more stressor...

I just seem to get so panicked when the money stuff doesn't leave me/us any "wiggle room" at all.  If the car broke down again, there would be no way to fix it.  I'm lucky that the vet, if there was an emergency, would hold a check or let me make payments, but I don't want to take advantage of that if I don't have to.....DH's disability back pay would help so much.....right now I can pay most of the bills on time.  But there's nothing left over, especially with gas going up....I desperately don't want to use my 401k to make things more manageable.  Right now, I'm hoping against hope that I don't have to.  I know what a bad idea it is, and every financial planner in the world says not to do it.  But sometimes, when I'm trying to figure out how to pay everything so that nothing gets shut off, it seems like a way to make things a little less stressful.  My plan before the disability potentially came into play was that I would use a relatively small sum from the 401k to pay off the bills from town here that are kind of "handshake" loans, where people/places gave us credit because they're nice and so are we.  I so much don't want to ruin any "good name" that's left.....but....beyond that, the credit cards.....well, I'm a lot less averse to filing bankruptcy on them.....I don't want to, but I would not use my 401k to pay those.  So if it came down to it, the plan would not be to use up all of my 401k to pay debt, just use a small amount to give a little "wiggle room" and take care of debt that I owe to people who I will have to look in the eye someday.  If the disability comes through, I won't have to worry about any of this.....and I'm sure hoping that it does....