Guess what was wrong with the wood splitter?

Remember last night when DH was so upset because he worked on the wood splitter, worked on it some more, and he was almost suicidal because he couldn't get it to start?

Well, he brought the entire wood splitter in to the guy in town today who does the small engine stuff, thinking it was something very tough to figure out and probably expensive too. The first thing the guy said to DH was, "Why do you have the throttle set so low?" DH said, "I turned it all the way up and it still didn't work." Small engine guy says "Well, it looks like you turned it the wrong way." They then turned the throttle the right way and the wood splitter roared to life.

So much stress was put towards this 5-second fix, it might be funny in a year or two, but right now all I can do is sigh.

Now we are ten.

Well, it's been about 7 months now. Bubba Meow and Freckle Meow came to live with us before winter started. Of course they got their medical care right away, but, since I was hoping desperately to find them homes, I kept them out of the "general population" and they lived in our heated porch. I have asked everyone I know, but, alas, most of them have already broken down and taken in a kitty or two from me/us, and weren't very anxious to add to their families.

The story actually starts with Ninja kitty. One day, DH, who claims that I am the one who is a "stray cat magnet", came home from an appointment and said, "There's a cat sitting on the side of the road. I've never seen it before. It was there when I left for the appointment, and it's still there in the exact same place. I'm wondering if it's ok." I said something like "well, that is kind of strange, isn't it?" (We have two neighbors. One neighbor owns exactly two cats. This one wasn't one of those. The other neighbor shoots cats, so we are pretty sure it wasn't his either.) I made no effort to investigate said cat (I was hoping it would go back to wherever it came from) but DH said, "I'm really worried. Maybe you should go down and just check on it." So, I did. A long-haired bag of bones, the kitty dove into the can of cat food I had brought, and was so adamant about eating it, he hissed at me when I tried to take it away....so I picked up cat, still eating the food, and brought them both home (cat and food, that is). Since DH's mother had just lost her cat, I was sure she would want this one. But then she started having health problems and still hasn't decided if she wants a cat or not. So there was Ninja kitty, joining the household. Apparently someone had dropped him off on our road.

But wait!! There's more!!! Because apparently, whoever dropped off Ninja, also dropped off his twin brother, who found his way to our place a couple of weeks later. He is a big cat, he looks like a bruiser, so we named him Bubba. Around that same time, DH found a tiny kitten in our driveway. Freckle.

After Ninja arrived, though, I had decided that enough was enough. Bubba and Freckle were going to have to find homes. A "friend" of mine at work, who volunteers for a no-klll shelter said that her shelter would be happy to take them in about a week or two. During that time I opted to get them shots and fixed just to make them even more marketable....and then my "friend" kind of started to avoid me when I tried to find out the "lowdown" on the kitty situation. I tried a bunch of other people. I put an ad up on the bulletin board in town, and nothing. Cats are a dime a dozen where we live, and not valuable. So Bubba and Freckle spent the winter in the heated porch, hoping that someone would stop by our house and ask if we had any kitties for them to love....nobody came :-(

Every once in a while it would strike me that despite my best efforts to stop the insanity at eight cats, we now had ten. Even if two of them lived in the porch, I was still buying the cat food and litter for them and cleaning up after them, too. It started to become obvious, it had to be done. And this week Bubba and Freckle joined the family as full-fledged members. Both of them have done nothing but purr since then, and on occasion, they look kind of surprised when one of the long-time feline owners of the house don't seem so happy. But all in all, I guess the transition went fine. I love them all. And I am thinking that since this past winter was much colder than the previous two, that maybe there won't be so many kittens (it's my understanding that kittens don't get conceived when it's super cold out) that turn into cats that end up in my yard needing a place to stay.

I'll keep you posted. Pictures may come soon, if I remember....
Meow.

My painful realization for the day

As much as I might hope and plan, he's not ready for work yet.

He's been doing so well, and he's so determined to get back to where he used to be. But he's still "blowing off" his appointments with his therapist, and the Jobs Program lady, too. My rational self goes "how on earth could you or anyone expect him to be able to hold down a job for more than a few days if he can't even get up for an appointment?"

And I can fend those thoughts off by telling them, "Yeah, but if it was something on a regular schedule, something predictable, he could do it, probably."

And then today.

He and Jim went and got a bunch of firewood from the woods behind our house. Since it's looking like propane is going to be extremely pricey, the more firewood we can come up with now, the better. And since we have the wood at no cost, we might as well make use of it. Some of the logs were just massive, from a huge old tree that got struck by lightning, it was almost 4 feet in diameter....very sad that it had to die after what I would presume to be a very long, lightning-free life....but...so the wood came back up to our yard, and it was basically impossible to split with an axe. Not to mention that we didn't want to aggravate DH's back problem, if it has any physical sources whatsoever. "Luckily", we have an old wood splitter. Two years ago, DH was able to get it going, and split all of our wood without straining at all. It was fun to use it. Last year, he didn't get any firewood for us at all, he was too sick. We relied on what was left from the year before, and now every last log of that is gone. The splitter didn't even get dusted off.

So, he set out to get the wood splitter started. He worked on it yesterday, and then today he went and got some advice from a small engines guy in town, and it still won't start. And that has sent him into a tailspin. His voice is thick again, like it was before Lithium. He keeps saying "I've GOT to fix it", "I've GOT to fix it", and when I told him he didn't have to fix it tonite, he got even more depressed. I suggested that he go to sleep and wake up with a "fresh brain" to figure out the problem. I reminded him that creativity and problem-solving don't work well when you're frustrated. All he kept saying was "I've GOT to fix it." And the more he talked about it to me, the more depressed he got. He started telling me things like "I don't know anything." "I don't know why I even tried this, what was I thinking? I'm so stupid." And he wouldn't go to bed, and all he wanted to do was wallow in the fact that the job turned out to be harder than he expected, and he's having a tough time figuring out the problem.

It's sad, but this has caused me to get "straight" with my self and admit that he really isn't ready for work. If he was to get a job right now, all it would take was one day (or a few) like this, and he'd either quit or be fired, and the self-fulfilling prophecy would start over. It's suddenly very clear to me. He's better, but not better "enough". It's tough to admit.

What a difference a year or two or Lithium makes.

Every year we go to visit my uncle and aunt for a small family get-together/barbecue. It's always on the Sunday before Memorial Day. So, since the last two of these events were not yet memorialized in my blog, I'd better bring you up to speed!

Memorial Barbecue 2006: DH was very depressed. He came with us to my uncles, but after about a half hour of socializing (remember, in his normal state, DH is very funny, outgoing and social), he went and sat in the car. I thought I'd made him angry, but he just kept telling me he wasn't in the mood. Then he decided he was going to go and buy some cigarettes down the street, and he didn't come back for an hour. I think everyone there was wondering what was up. And I completely didn't know what to say. At this point, I really didn't have any idea that it was a mental illness, I just thought he was moody, judgmental, maybe he didn't like my family....?

Memorial Barbecue 2007: About two months after he was hospitalized for mental illness. DH said he felt much better, but this was a time when his drinking, spending, tattoos, prescription drug abuse (Percocet, to be exact), were out of control. At the time, I had little idea of the extent of the problems. DH was still working at this time, but had stopped paying any bills. All of his paychecks were going to the above-mentioned habits. He decided that my family didn't like him because they didn't ask him to play his guitar. He spent a lot of time sitting in the car "smoking". Then he had a panic attack and had to "go and get cigarettes" again for about an hour. DD had a tantrum because I asked her to leave Dad be for now.

Memorial Barbecue 2008: DH has been on Lithium for about three months now. DH cracked jokes, was very appropriate throughout the entire get-together, laughed, played his guitar, chatted with all of my relatives. He played with DD and the other kids, and in general was very much his old self. He teased me for taking too many napkins (that's always been a joke of ours) He didn't ask me once if (whoever) didn't like him. He didn't go and sit in the car. He did go to buy cigarettes, but when I took him off and asked if he was doing ok, he said he truly just had to go buy cigarettes, and he came back in 5 minutes. Wow.

Probably good that he was in such good spirits today, because there was a tornado only a few blocks from where we were, and the weather got pretty scary for a while. My mom was very nervous, and we had to keep going down in the basement, so that was rather hard on her. She was very glad to have it over with....No damage, though, to our house or my uncle's house, so that was good. I know a lot of other families weren't so lucky--one family lost a two year old child in the tornado. How very sad.

Well, still not perfect, of course....

DH has been getting angry with me again about money. He borrowed a bunch of money from Jim ($240.00), didn't tell me he did it, and now "needs" me to give him the money to pay Jim back. I gave him $120, of which he SAYS he gave Jim $40. I don't even believe that. That giant money-sucking black hole that is DH is still there, for sure. And then today he overslept and barely woke up in time to get DD up (it's my night to stay in the City--saves on gas and sleep time), and then he canceled one appointment and just plain didn't show up for another one, because he "overslept" until 3pm again. But when it gets to be 2am and I tell him to go to bed, he gets angry with me. So I am trying to just let him make his own mistakes, maybe he'll start to be more responsible (ha.)

If he can't manage to go to bed at a decent time, set his alarm so that he can get to a 1pm appointment, how on earth can anyone realistically expect him to get or keep a job? Of course I didn't say this to him, but I might over the weekend.

I am so excited for the weekend, because I am really truly going to have two days off from both jobs in a row. Memorial Day Monday, AND Tuesday, too. It's probably been a year since I've done that...it seems like whenever I take my vacation time from my main job, the other job ends up "shorthanded" and I end up working a LOT. So this is very pleasant. I hope the weather is nice!

Anyhow, I'm still working on Saturday and Sunday, as usual, so I won't be totally lost...I don't know what I'd do with a 5-day weekend....probably just have a 5-day fight with DH, LOL

Back pain and mental health

Just a little note: Today DH told me that he really hasn't had any back pain since he started the Lithium. And he told me that he hasn't been taking any methadone (he was taking it for his severe back pain) and he is no longer taking any muscle relaxers, and no more ibuprofen, and no more pain killers of any type. He marveled at the fact that he is no longer even putting the methadone in his pill box any more. I had always thought that there was definitely a link between his mental health and his back pain, but this really proves it to me.....I had read some things by Dr. Sarno and it was very convincing. But when DH was sick, I could never get him to realize it...another cool thing!!!

Something funny about bipolar fog and Lithium

I'm sure, if you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you've noticed me complaining about DH's lack of memory and inability to retain things...before all of this bipolar stuff that was not the case, but I guess it comes with the territory. One time (before Lithium) DD had been given some Christmas presents and we brought them home in the car. Then, she brought them in, and we all watched her open the presents and oohed and ahhed over what she got. Then about five minutes after we had cleaned up the wrapping paper, DH said, "DD, don't forget you've got those presents in the car." DD and I both looked at DH as if he was maybe making a joke. But no. He completely had not registered that she had just opened them, even though he had been a part of it!!!

Anyhow, earlier today we were driving over to my mom's assisted living apartment. DH stops in mid-sentence and says "WOW!!!! Look at that old house!!! It's beautiful!!!!" I thought that was kind of strange, but I just kind of said "yeah, it is!". Then about a block later he says "OH!! Look!!! There's another beautiful old house!!!" And I started laughing and told him "DH, my mom has lived here for two and a half years. This is the way we always drive to get there. Are you telling me that you've never noticed those houses before?" And he kind of realized how funny that was, and he kind of giggled and said "Well....they could've moved them in last night...." Then we had a conversation about the things that Lithium is doing for him that we never even knew were problems!!! Funny in a cool way!!!

You must be on the edge of your seats...

I really lit into him when I got home that night/morning. I told him that he's gone to the casino more times in the last three weeks than he has in the last three years put together. He started to argue with me. It was a good kind of arguing, for once, though, because "That Guy" was still gone. I was having a "regular" argument with my husband and we were both hearing each other and making sense. So after the mad was over, we decided to try to figure out why he was doing this. And he came up with the possibility that back when he was "normal" (not bipolar that we knew anyhow), he was very outgoing and had lots of friends. He could make friends with anyone at all. That was something that I always loved about him. Anyhow, he was thinking that part of the reason he is being drawn to the casino is because he misses all the people, the chit-chat, the joking....the kinds of things you say to acquaintances, you know? And I strongly told him that he could get that need met by volunteering somewhere, or, finding a job somewhere. He thought about it, and agreed with me. Then, after our talk, he was so motivated, he got up and went job hunting! And he might have found something. It sounds very promising. Supposedly they will be calling him tomorrow. I'm hopeful. He hasn't gone to the casino since.

And he's been going to bed at a decent time, too. It's made so much of a difference in his motivation and his energy, he wakes up, gets up and DOES STUFF. It's great. And the greatest part of all this is that when we were arguing, and I knew he was angry with me and I was angry with him, "That Guy" never came out at all. When he's not around (That Guy), I feel safe talking about anything and everything with DH because my real DH and I have always had that kind of relationship. It was just a couple of days ago that they upped his Lithium dose again, and it feels good.